} *sigh* Yet another supplicant asking a huge gaggle of questions hoping
} I won't be able to keep up with all of them, thus embarrassing myself
} Well, Binky, I hate to break it to ya, but the Internet Oracle is
} perfectly capable of embarrassing himself publicly on his own. He
} doesn't need you; just a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of
} But, on the off-chance you're actually sincere in being so acutely
} lamebrained, I'll give it a go.
} *deep breath*
} A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as a woodchuck can chuck, and
} please see me after class. $4.50 per cubic foot, unless you own your
} own chuck, in which case it would merely be labor. Standard wage of
} $0.45 an hour is about as much as a woodchuck can expect to recieve
} at this date, minus, of course, FICA and Social Security. I would
} personally never pay that much given my natural aversion to things
} woodchuck. If a woodchuck belongs to a Union, it simply doesn't
} matter here because this shop is _not_ a right-to-work shop. There's
} no doubt a unionized woodchuck would demand more money, but, again,
} due to my aversion to them, that's right out. Frankly, if a woodchuck
} union were to strike, my first reaction would be to strike back...
} with a large club. The matter of scabs only comes to the fore if
} you're thinking grave bodily injury to the woodchuck in this office.
} And if a woodchuck were injured and unable to chuck I would be,
} well, almost gleeful and childlike in my happiness. If that same
} woodchuck were the member of a Union, it would still not affect my
} glee. I would be, as it were, only _too_ happy to retire that
} woodchuck early, preferably with a nice red wine and some lima
} bean stock. It'd be hard to pay that woodchuck once eaten. I'm not
} even going to dignify that question with an answer.
} Woodchucks are generally nocturnal creatures, meaning you can only
} find them and squash them well after dark; it keeps the ASPCA off
} your back. They're generally active seven days a week, except on
} Jewish holidays. Woodchucks are generally not educated, although I
} know a couple who graduated from Berke... scratch that, they're not
} educated either. You should never offer a woodchuck a salary, because
} they'd only go out and use the money to buy more wood -- don't be
} a habit-former for them. I hate to break it to you, but chucking
} wood is not a master's-level degree... Women's Studies is, but
} chucking wood is not. There is no PHd. program in chucking wood
} either, although a philosophy doctorate is just about as useful.
} Not all woodchucks enjoy their work, because many of them are found
} burned to a blackened crisp on the forest floor. You'd have to ask
} the woodchucks why, although I can guarantee you won't be able to
} pin a damn thing on _me._ Not all oracles hate woodchucks, because
} there is indeed a Woodchuck Oracle, who is, of course, not as sexy
} or wise as me. Not all woodchucks hate oracles, because I seem to
} get a disproportionate amount of e-mails from them, poor bastards.
} I'd say you could ask them why, but I don't think you're, ah, going
} to be able to reach them today. Woodchucks actually hate spam with
} a passion. Spam is, actually, made from woodchuck -- I'm on the
} Hormel board of directors, you know. Woodchucks like to eat wood.
} They usually eat it in the woods. And they always eat it when they're
} in the woods -- duh. Now, I can't really speak to being a woodchuck,
} but I can safely say if I were a woodchuck, I would have been zotted
} a long long time ago. I wouldn't join a Union, I'd be dead. I would
} never strike with a union, I'd be toasted. I'd never demand a
} salary, I'd be a pot roast. I'd never obtain an education, I'd be
} fertilizer. Moving up in the company is not an option, because I'd
} be pushing up daisies from below. I would never move up, but I would
} move down six feet under. You'd never find out why because I'd have
} already joined the choir invisible. I'd never determine when the
} best time to become a corporate woodchuck would be because I'd
} already have wrung down the curtain, as it were. A woodchuck has
} nothing to do with a lemur save for the fact that both annoy the
} hell out of me. A woodchuck is a nasty, brown creature with sawdust
} in its teeth, and Lisa is a *ahem* loving, sexy thing... always.
} I will, of course, be disposing of Zadoc -- again! -- after what you
} have told me. I don't exactly know why he might be keeping a woodchuck
} in the office, but I suspect it may be something akin to the joke
} about the Scot and the sheep. I didn't know about it beforehand, but
} I try to adopt the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy around here --
} except in rare woodchuck offenses.
} Why, yes, supplicant, you did indeed forget to grovel. I will not
} be able to forgive you for this, sorry. I'm sort of aching from
} typing this message, so I'm afraid I might just slip up in my
} enfeebled condition and mistakenly hit the "Zot" key. The fact that
} Lisa isn't pregnant has nothing to do with the jar of radium we
} keep in the fridge to keep our priests sterile. Neither is it Lisa's
} fault -- it's just a mutual decision to keep all of you in the dark
} about the terrible tike's arrival. If a woodchuck even gets _near_
} my Lisa -- oooo! Well, suffice it to say there will be a new
} atom brought into being called "Woodchuckium." If you'd like to
} know how much spam a supplicant can spam, I'd like to suggest you
} may have answered your own question. There _is_ no point to this,
} neither is there a point to your existance. You are asking so many
} questions because you are, in effect, a lamebrain. I am almost finished
} answering them all. After I finish, I will take great pleasure in
} ZOTing you back to the stone age. Because. Soon. Not now... because
} I have to finish answering first, you dolt. BECAUSE I SAID SO. In
} my honest opinion, you asked the woodchuck question because you
} possess a brain half the size of a woodchuck's. You'll get your
} reply soon -- in a plasma bolt. I'm not so much mad at you as
} I am simply unimpressed by your lack of intelligence in this matter.
} It is, of course, something you said. What did you say? WHAT DID
} YOU SAY? What did you NOT say? I'd like you to leave now, my dear
} spamming supplicant -- in a big blue bolt of lightning. You owe
} the Oracle a can of Primatene Mist and two cases of Vicks VapoRub.
} And to your last word, I answer.
} Should you? You shouldn't have. Really.
} *ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT*