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Internet Oracularities #858

Goto:
858, 858-01, 858-02, 858-03, 858-04, 858-05, 858-06, 858-07, 858-08, 858-09, 858-10


Internet Oracularities #858    (104 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Sep 1996 17:42:20 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   858
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

858  104 votes bftop 4pCra fErh5 iHmf6 7jurl jgins fEnj7 49Eyh 8qvta kmxm7
858   3.0 mean  3.4   3.1   2.6   2.5   3.3   3.2   2.6   3.5   3.1   2.8


858-01    (bftop dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> would? What would the cost of chucking so much wood be? How much
> should one pay a woodchuck for chucking that much wood? Would you
> pay that much? What if the woodchuck was a member of the Union? Would
> he charge more? What if the Union went on strike? Should we hire scab
> woodchucks and have them chuck the wood for less? Could the scabs
> chuck as much wood as a professional wood chucking woodchuck? What if
> a wood chucking woodchuck became injured and was unable to chuck as
> much wood as he could before? What if that same woodchuck was a
> memeber of the Union? Should we just put him on early retirement, or
> what? How much should we pay retired wookchucks? Does it depend on
> how much wood they could chuck? What kind of hours do woodchucks
> work? What about work weeks? What kind of education do they need?
> What kind of starting salary should we offer them? Should we insist
> that they have a masters degree in chucking wood? If they have a
> Ph.D. are they over qualified? Do all woodchucks enjoy their work?
> Why? Do all woodchucks chuck as much wood as they could? Why? Do all
> oracles hate woodchucks? Do all woodchucks hate all oracles? Why? Do
> woodchucks eat spam for dinner? Does spam eat woodchucks for dinner?
> What do woodchucks eat? Where do they eat it? When do they eat it?
> How much wood would you chuck if you were a wood chucking woodchuck?
> Would you join the Union? Would you strike with the Union? What
> salaries would you demand? What kind of education would you have
> before going out into the job market? Would you try to move up in the
> company? How far? Why? When? What does a woodchuck have to do with a
> lemur? What does a woodchuck have to do with Lisa? Did Lisa tell you
> that she caught Zadoc keeping a woodchuck for a pet? Why was he doing
> this? Why didn't you know about it before hand? Did you know about it
> before hand? Did I forget to grovel? Will you forgive me? Why? Is the
> fact that Lisa isn't pregnant your fault? Is it hers? Is it a
> woodchuck's? How much spam could a supplicant mail if a supplicant
> could mail spam? What is the point? Why am I asking so many
> questions? Are you going to answer them all? Are you going to ZOT me
> for asking the woodchuck question? Why? When? Now? Why not? Why so?
> Why did I ask you the woodchuck question? When will I get a reply?
> Are you mad at me? Is it something I said? What did I say? Do you
> want me to leave? How much do I owe you?
>
> should

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh* Yet another supplicant asking a huge gaggle of questions hoping
} I won't be able to keep up with all of them, thus embarrassing myself
} publicly.
}
} Well, Binky, I hate to break it to ya, but the Internet Oracle is
} perfectly capable of embarrassing himself publicly on his own. He
} doesn't need you; just a bottle of Jaegermeister and a couple of
} minutes.
}
} But, on the off-chance you're actually sincere in being so acutely
} lamebrained, I'll give it a go.
}
} *deep breath*
}
} A woodchuck can chuck as much wood as a woodchuck can chuck, and
} please see me after class. $4.50 per cubic foot, unless you own your
} own chuck, in which case it would merely be labor. Standard wage of
} $0.45 an hour is about as much as a woodchuck can expect to recieve
} at this date, minus, of course, FICA and Social Security. I would
} personally never pay that much given my natural aversion to things
} woodchuck. If a woodchuck belongs to a Union, it simply doesn't
} matter here because this shop is _not_ a right-to-work shop. There's
} no doubt a unionized woodchuck would demand more money, but, again,
} due to my aversion to them, that's right out. Frankly, if a woodchuck
} union were to strike, my first reaction would be to strike back...
} with a large club. The matter of scabs only comes to the fore if
} you're thinking grave bodily injury to the woodchuck in this office.
} And if a woodchuck were injured and unable to chuck I would be,
} well, almost gleeful and childlike in my happiness. If that same
} woodchuck were the member of a Union, it would still not affect my
} glee. I would be, as it were, only _too_ happy to retire that
} woodchuck early, preferably with a nice red wine and some lima
} bean stock. It'd be hard to pay that woodchuck once eaten. I'm not
} even going to dignify that question with an answer.
}
} *breath*
}
} Woodchucks are generally nocturnal creatures, meaning you can only
} find them and squash them well after dark; it keeps the ASPCA off
} your back. They're generally active seven days a week, except on
} Jewish holidays. Woodchucks are generally not educated, although I
} know a couple who graduated from Berke... scratch that, they're not
} educated either. You should never offer a woodchuck a salary, because
} they'd only go out and use the money to buy more wood -- don't be
} a habit-former for them. I hate to break it to you, but chucking
} wood is not a master's-level degree... Women's Studies is, but
} chucking wood is not. There is no PHd. program in chucking wood
} either, although a philosophy doctorate is just about as useful.
} Not all woodchucks enjoy their work, because many of them are found
} burned to a blackened crisp on the forest floor. You'd have to ask
} the woodchucks why, although I can guarantee you won't be able to
} pin a damn thing on _me._ Not all oracles hate woodchucks, because
} there is indeed a Woodchuck Oracle, who is, of course, not as sexy
} or wise as me. Not all woodchucks hate oracles, because I seem to
} get a disproportionate amount of e-mails from them, poor bastards.
} I'd say you could ask them why, but I don't think you're, ah, going
} to be able to reach them today. Woodchucks actually hate spam with
} a passion. Spam is, actually, made from woodchuck -- I'm on the
} Hormel board of directors, you know. Woodchucks like to eat wood.
} They usually eat it in the woods. And they always eat it when they're
} in the woods -- duh. Now, I can't really speak to being a woodchuck,
} but I can safely say if I were a woodchuck, I would have been zotted
} a long long time ago. I wouldn't join a Union, I'd be dead. I would
} never strike with a union, I'd be toasted. I'd never demand a
} salary, I'd be a pot roast. I'd never obtain an education, I'd be
} fertilizer. Moving up in the company is not an option, because I'd
} be pushing up daisies from below. I would never move up, but I would
} move down six feet under. You'd never find out why because I'd have
} already joined the choir invisible. I'd never determine when the
} best time to become a corporate woodchuck would be because I'd
} already have wrung down the curtain, as it were. A woodchuck has
} nothing to do with a lemur save for the fact that both annoy the
} hell out of me. A woodchuck is a nasty, brown creature with sawdust
} in its teeth, and Lisa is a *ahem* loving, sexy thing... always.
} I will, of course, be disposing of Zadoc -- again! -- after what you
} have told me. I don't exactly know why he might be keeping a woodchuck
} in the office, but I suspect it may be something akin to the joke
} about the Scot and the sheep. I didn't know about it beforehand, but
} I try to adopt the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy around here --
} except in rare woodchuck offenses.
}
} *woooooooo*
}
} Why, yes, supplicant, you did indeed forget to grovel. I will not
} be able to forgive you for this, sorry. I'm sort of aching from
} typing this message, so I'm afraid I might just slip up in my
} enfeebled condition and mistakenly hit the "Zot" key. The fact that
} Lisa isn't pregnant has nothing to do with the jar of radium we
} keep in the fridge to keep our priests sterile. Neither is it Lisa's
} fault -- it's just a mutual decision to keep all of you in the dark
} about the terrible tike's arrival. If a woodchuck even gets _near_
} my Lisa -- oooo! Well, suffice it to say there will be a new
} atom brought into being called "Woodchuckium." If you'd like to
} know how much spam a supplicant can spam, I'd like to suggest you
} may have answered your own question. There _is_ no point to this,
} neither is there a point to your existance. You are asking so many
} questions because you are, in effect, a lamebrain. I am almost finished
} answering them all. After I finish, I will take great pleasure in
} ZOTing you back to the stone age. Because. Soon. Not now... because
} I have to finish answering first, you dolt. BECAUSE I SAID SO. In
} my honest opinion, you asked the woodchuck question because you
} possess a brain half the size of a woodchuck's. You'll get your
} reply soon -- in a plasma bolt. I'm not so much mad at you as
} I am simply unimpressed by your lack of intelligence in this matter.
} It is, of course, something you said. What did you say? WHAT DID
} YOU SAY? What did you NOT say? I'd like you to leave now, my dear
} spamming supplicant -- in a big blue bolt of lightning. You owe
} the Oracle a can of Primatene Mist and two cases of Vicks VapoRub.
}
} And to your last word, I answer.
}
} Should you? You shouldn't have. Really.
}
} *ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT*


858-02    (4pCra dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the heck are the anwers to the questions I've aske you??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry about that. We're still using your questions as teaching aids for
} the Adult Literacy class. When we've finished with them there, we'll be
} using them to test our new spell-checker.
}
} You owe the Oracle a translation of "Jabberwocky" in Hindu.


858-03    (fErh5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> why do I get so stupid and unwitty answers on my most elaborate
> questions from you?
>
> And then, when I'm fed up, I ask you some stupid and meaningless
> question, and why is it then that you give the most brilliant and
> ingenious answers?
>
> Dear Oracle, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously our biorhythm waves are not crossing at the break even point.


858-04    (iHmf6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, knower of all the mysterys and prognosticator of all
> events, please answer this humble supplicant's request:
>
> I sent a question to You the other day and got an answer back by
> someone who claimed "She" was the Oracle. Now, I'm confused. History
> always refers to the Oracle in a masculine sense; and precedence on the
> Internet has always inferred a masculine persona, particularly in
> reference to His girlfriend Lisa. Was Lisa answering the mail? Or have
> you been to Sweden for "THE operation"? Or was someone mascarading as
> the Oracle that should not have been? (This "oracle" was _very_ rude!)
>
> Please send your answer quickly, I'm distraught. (And, if case #2, and
> you have no need for Lisa anymore, could you send her along also? I
> hear she is the most beautiful woman in the world, maybe she could help
> cheer me up.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jeez, can't the Oracle take a day off?  As for rudeness, if you sat
} here day in and day out answering questions like "Are we alone?" and
} "What's the Meaning of Life" and of course the thousands od "woodchuck"
} questions, you may get a little edgy.  I mean, it's not like I'm
} getting paid for anything. You think I do this for fun?  It's like a
} curse man!  Daaay  inn  annd ddaay outt..  I ggotta gget outta heree!
} As for Lisa, her name is Elizabeth and she's pregnant!  Still want her?


858-05    (7jurl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Welcome to the flophouse!  Your cot is over there.  You
> get the bottom bunk.  Don't worry about the fellow above
> you - we've put rubber sheets on his mattress.  You're
> on your own for breakfast, but soup will be served at
> lunchtime.  If you  need anything else, just give me a
> shriek.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} N
}
} > You wander aimlessly into a bunk bed.
} S
}
} > You come face to face with a 70 wino who has wet himself.
} Listen to the wino
}
} > The wino is snoring
} E
}
} > You are in the bathroom.  It smells disgustingly like the wino.
} W
}
} > You are at the door
} Open door
}
} > The door opens with a creak.
} W
}
} >You are outside a flophouse.  There is a neon sigh overhead.
} Inventory
}
} > You have:
} >  - a dead rat
} >  - a bloody axe
} >  - a toothbrush
} >  - the thing your Uncle Phil gave you
} >  - three condoms
} >  - $15.30 in Mexican coins
} >  - some cotton balls
} >  - no beer
} Read the sign
}
} > Which sign.  The neon sigh overhead, or the paper sign on the door.
} Read the paper sign
}
} > By order of the city of Los Angeles,
} >      this property has been
} >             CONDEMMED
} Read the neon sign
}
} > As you look up to read the neon sign above your head, you suddenly
} > feel the back of your skull collapse under the impact of a lead pipe.
} >  With your dying breath, you feel a hairy arm releiving you of your
} > wallet.
}
} > You are dead.  You have scored 350 out of a possible 15,792 points.
} > You have achieved the rank of supplicant.  Do you wish to try again
} > (Y/N)


858-06    (jgins dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O great and wonderful Oracle, whose teeth can deal with last
> night's leftover pizza, pleas tell me...
>
>  Is there any difference between Micro$oft and The Borg, if so
> what is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your confusion, dear supplicant - the two do
} seem to work in similar, destructive, monoplistic ways. However, as
} this excerpt shows, they are in fact totally different entities (The
} Orc doesn't claim authorship of the following - he found it floating
} about his vast Web)
}
} Subject Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript
}
} Text
} <Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
} finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
} access their command pathways?"
}
} <Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
} through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
}
} <Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
}
} <Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"
}
} <Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this
} program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command
} pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
} system resources at an unstoppable rate."
}
} <Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
} their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
}
} <Data "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a
} new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources
} increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able
} to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability
} will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
} operational functions."
}
} <Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable
} geometric shape' idea."
}
} . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
}
} <Data "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the
} Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
} available resources.  However, we have not received any confirmation
} of the expected `upgrade'."
}
} <Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
} CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to
} compensate for their increase."
}
} <Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
} something we have missed."
}
} <Data "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
} `upgrade'.  Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
} plan by not sending in their registration cards."
}
} <Riker "Captain, we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin
} emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
}
} <Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly
} dropped to 0% !"
}
} <Picard "Data, what does your scanners show?"
}
} <Data, studying displays "Appearently the Borg have found the
} internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all
} available CPU capacity."
}
} <Picard "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce
} their functionality."
}
} . . .  Two Hours Pass  . . .
}
} <Riker  "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
}
} <Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
} compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
} successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
} monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something
} called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.
}
} <Picard "How much time will that buy us?"
}
} <Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
} time span of 6 more hours."
}
} <Geordi  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
}
} <Picard  "Identify."
}
} <Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'
} logo..."
}
} <Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT
} FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
} SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY
} TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
}
} <Data  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
} released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
}
} <Picard  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
}
} <Riker "My God, captain!  Those are human beings floating straight
} toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits!  How can they
} survive the tortures of deep space?!"
}
} <Data "I don't believe that those are humans, sir.  If you will look
} closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
} recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases,
} and wearing Armani suits."
}
} <Riker and Picard, together -  horrified  "Lawyers!!"
}
} <Geordi "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent
} hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
}
} <Data "True, but appearently some must have survived."
}
} <Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
} all types of papers."
}
} <Data "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It
} often proves fatal."
}
} <Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
}
} <Picard "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch.  Even the
} Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of OS/2 Warp.


858-07    (fEnj7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What creatures inhabited Mars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Republicans and Democrats.  Strange thing, though, is that they all
} look like Ross Perot


858-08    (49Eyh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty beloved Oracle,
> can you tell me how to become the richest man on earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I can.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better phrased question.
}
} Ow! What was that for? It _is_ funny. Oh, alright. <grumble>
} Damn you, Kinzler.
}
} The Internet Oracle's Top 5 ways to become the Richest man on Earth.
}
} 1) The 'Lower the Fence' Method.
}      Kill everyone richer than you. In practice, you'll probably want
}      to kill all their relatives and business associates as well.
} 2) The 'Take Over the Competition' Method.
}      Have plastic surgery so that you are the exact double of the
}      richest man on earth. Kidnap him and using a combination
}      of drugs, torture and hypnosis, find out absolutely everything
}      about him. Kill him and take his place.
} 3) The 'Insider Dealing' Method.
}      Arrange with your local trans-temporal newsagent to deliver
}      tomorrows Financial Times today. What you do with it is left
}      as an excercise for the reader.
} 4) The 'Cop Out' Method.
}      Change your name by deed poll to 'The Richest Man on
}      Earth'.
} 5) The 'Oracle' Method.
}      Become omniscient and extract a tribute every time you
}      answer a question. Continue until you are the richest man
}      on earth.
}
} You owe the Oracle $37.62. That's all I need.


858-09    (8qvta dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the X-Files so popular ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Scene:  FBI Headquarters
}
} Agent Fox Moulder is sitting at his desk.  In walks Agent Dana Scully.
}
} Moulder:  I'm glad you stopped by.  There have been strange things
}           happening all across the country...
}
} Scully:   What's happening?
}
} Moulder:  Know one's really sure at this time.  It seems that at 9:00
}           P.M. on Friday nights, people seem to disappear from the
}           streets.
}
} Scully:   Why are we taking this case?
}
} Moulder:  There's more to it.  The people aren't disappearing, they are
}           all drawn to their homes for no apparent reason.  There have
}           also been many sightings of strange lights from the windows
}           of these people's homes.  When these people return from their
}           homes, they aren't the same as they used to be.  They become
}           extremely paranoid of all authorities, and seem to lose all
}           trust in everyone.
}
} Scully:   Do you have a theory for these strange occurences?
}
} Moulder:  It is my belief that these people have been abducted by some
}           strange alien life form.  This alien race is trying to take
}           over our planet by causing internal conflicts with the common
}           man and the government, thereby creating a sort of civil war
}           across the world.  The strange lights result from the aliens
}           own teleportation technology, which emits a small amount of
}           beta radiation, thereby creating small auras of light to emit
}           from the peoples homes.
}
} Scully:   Moulder, I think we should check it out before we jump to
}           such a far-fetched conclusion.  There are hundreds of other
}           possibilities that explain these sightings.
}
} Scene:    October 4th, 1996, 8:50 P.M.  A small suburban area Anytown,
}           USA.
}
} Moulder:  The population seems to be thinning out already.  (Moulder
}           grabs the shoulder of a man who is walking by)  Excuse me...
}
} Man:      I don't have time, it's about to begin!  I can't miss it!
}           (He hurridly runs away)
}
} Moulder:  It seems to be worse than I thought.  This alien life form
}           must have changed these peoples anatomy to require some sort
}           of constant exposure to some sort of drug.  That would ensure
}           that the people would return every 7 days for another dose of
}           brain-washing.
}
} Scully:   Moulder, that man was obviously late for some sort of
}           appointment!
}
} Moulder:  Scully, we'll have to check out some of the houses where some
}           of the sightings of flashing lights occured.
}
} (Moulder and Scully drive to a nearby house.  It is dark, except for
} one room, which has an eirie glow coming out of it).
}
} Moulder: (Knocking)  Is there anybody home?
}
} Voice:   I'll be out in a moment, I can't miss this.
}
} Moulder:  They must have already started the drug for him.
}
} (Moulder arms his pistol and opens the door.  Inside he sees a short,
} overweight, balding man sitting in front of a television.  He is
} surrounded by various sorts of consumables:  chips, cookies, cheese
} dip, and various other foods)
}
} Moulder:  FBI!
}
} (He grabs the man and shakes him)
}
} Moulder:  What just happened?
}
} Man:      Please mister, I can't miss this!
}
} Moulder:  You've got to tell me what you just saw!
}
} Man:      Let me finish what I was doing, and I'll tell you about the
}           whole thing!
}
} Moulder:  I've got to know now!
}
} Man:      Ahhh!
}
} (The man clutches at his chest, and slumps back into his couch)
}
} Moulder:  Scully!  Call for help!
}
} Scene:    Anytown Hospital
}
} Scully:   The man died of a heart attack.
}
} Moulder:  The alien race must have left early because of our arrival.
}           The man obviously didn't get his required amount of the
}           supplement and died because of the genetic changes made by
}           the alien race.
}
} Scully:   Moulder, the man had a heart attack.  He had a very poor
}           diet, consisting of a lot of fatty foods.  It was his own
}           fault.  He killed himself.
}
} Moulder:  Don't you see Scully!  They've used their technology to hide
}           the truth!
}
} Scene: Scully's office.  She's here alone.
}
} Scully's toughts as she types:  ...and I have concluded that the man
}           died from a heart attack of unknown cause.  The lights and
}           strange actions of the people are also of unknown cause.
}
} END OF STORY
}
} So, you tell me?
}
} You owe the Oracle one X-Files hat.


858-10    (kmxm7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the chance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would say fair to middlin', with a partial chance of
} showers. Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what
} comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive
} persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak
} glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice,
} even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that
} two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible,
} put people on hold. Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and
} disillusionment and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is
} always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo.
} Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know
} yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your
} daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you, that lemon
} on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of
} most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love
} therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things
} of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan, and let not the sand of time
} get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call
} 606-4311. Ask for Ken. Take heart under the deepening gloom, that your
} dog is finally getting enough cheese, and reflect that whatever
} misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee. You
} are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here, and whether
} you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.
} Therefore, make peace with your God, whatever you conceive him to be:
} hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises,
} and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
}
} You owe the Oracle one old national Lampoon album.


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