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Internet Oracularities #859

Goto:
859, 859-01, 859-02, 859-03, 859-04, 859-05, 859-06, 859-07, 859-08, 859-09, 859-10


Internet Oracularities #859    (102 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Sep 1996 14:42:08 -0500 (EST)

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   859
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

859  102 votes jiqof fkFl5 6jzA6 3gxqo 7hrqp aiHr4 5qyod 9qBp5 dsum9 5cuCh
859   3.1 mean  3.0   2.8   3.2   3.5   3.4   3.0   3.1   2.9   2.9   3.5


859-01    (jiqof dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHO IS THE MOST RICHEST MAN IN UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Babe, I'd *ZOT* you if your grovel line wasn't there
} I'd *ZOT* you if you asked of chucksters covered with hair
} I'd *ZOT* you for ALL CAPS, and I'd *ZOT* you for lack of flair
} But kid, I can only *ZOT* you once if more than one condition is there!
}
} Clueless newbies flood the Oracle with requests for n00d g1f5
} And plaintively ask about editing Windows PIFs
} Using grammar and style that are anything but spiffs
} And spelling and thoughtfulness that almost rival B1FF's
}
} To each one a *ZOT*, each one will fry
} Each one will slowly and painfully die
} And ne'er a more beautiful sight met my eye
} Than that of burning AOLer flesh, as seen from up on high
}
} But the cluelessness shows an exponential increase
} As if its graph had been moistened with thick woodchuck grease
} Multiple offenses flock to queries like Canada geese
} Depriving the Oracle of any chance at inner peace
}
} For you see, I *ZOT* by a simple motto:
} "One violation, one *ZOT*!" I always thought, oh
} Till the day this fateful message hit my grotto
} Driving me to, quickly make myself blotto
}
} Supplicant, your question is phrased in ALL CAPS!
} Without a single grovel, that counts as dual slaps
} And its banality and witlessness are worse than "Andy Capp"'s
} Three violations. Three *ZOT*s -- the Oracle raps
}
} But alas! One supplicant can be *ZOT*ted but once
} As anyone will realize (except for a newbie dunce)
} That one *ZOT* fries a supplicant like a couple of hot cross buns
} Making additional *ZOT*ting as futile as legalized assault guns
}
} This dilemma faces me like a paradox
} More bothersome than the thought of woodchucks wielding Glocks
} More irritating than this pile of Lisa's dirty socks
} Yes, it makes me want to throw myself onto sharp, pointy rocks.
}
} Yet, an option remains, if fraught
} With logical contradictions and  whatnot
} If I am not to remain distraught
} I must -- *ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT**ZOT*
}
} P.S. Bill Gates.
}
} You owe the Oracle absolutely nothing -- the experience of rhyming
} "exponential increase" with "woodchuck grease" provided more than
} enough bliss to last this incarnation's lifetime.


859-02    (fkFl5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Depart hence, ye workers of iniquity!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <A dark figure rises from the centre of the cavern. Facing the
} interloper in the entrance, it speaks in a sonorous voice...>
} -So, you've finally come. I have long awaited this day, and I am
} prepared.
} <The dark one activates a device in its hand, and a searing red beam of
} light springs into existance. The intruder immediately activates a
} similar weapon, the only difference being that the beam is an intense
} blue, and shouts.>
} -Your time is over, evil one! If you will not depart, then you must die!
} -We shall see about that....
} <The red beam flashes malevolently as the dark figure leaps high, and
} cuts down, only to be met by the other's defense. The fight quickly
} becomes a dazzling display of skill from both, apparently equally
} matched. Brilliant light coruscates from the beams when they clash,
} causing flickering, strange shadows to leap across the cavern walls.
} Finally, though, the newcomer begins to emerge as the stronger. The dark
} one is on the defensive, his attacks ever weaker. And, inevitably, he
} falters at a critical moment. The blue beam cuts deep, and the dark one
} falls to the floor. He struggles to rise, but fails, and then speaks.>
} -So be it. You have won, and the power is yours. But with the power,
} comes a terrible curse!
} <He motions the victor to come closer, and rises on one elbowt to speak,
} faintly>
} -You owe... the Oracle... an eternity of answering... every question
} asked of you... no matter... how... inane.....
} <The figure falls back onto the floor, and as he does, his robes seem to
} collapse in on themselves, until they are all that is left. The
} intruder, puzzled, kicks them, then laughs.>
} -Old fool. I only want the power of Zot, and the omniscience. I'm not
} hanging around in some dumb old cavern.
} <The interloper walks over to the desk to claim his spoils, but in the
} action of reaching for them glances at the still lit terminal screen.>
} (Mumbling)-Why does... mmm ... mbm......hm. Hey, I know the answer to
} that.
} <Sitting in the comfortable chair, the new oracle begins to type, not
} noticing the scrap of paper dislodged from the now empty robes by the
} callous kick. Closer inspection would reveal it to be a luggage take,
} upon which is written "Orrie & Lisa. Destination: Tahiti.>
} <The End, and may the Zot be with you.>


859-03    (6jzA6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, whose dic. . . tionary size I am truly envious of -
> Please give me the answers that I so desperately seek.  From when and
> where did the word "dude" originate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O lowly supplicant, thou hast given the oracle a run for his
} drachmae... let me takest a look....
}
} ...ring...       ring...    ring...
}
} Webster: hello?
}
} Orrie:   Joey?
}
} Webster: May I ask who is calling? That is, speaking in a loud distinct
}          voice so as to be heard at a distance? Getting or trying to
}          get into communication by telephone - often used with 'up'?
}
} Orrie:   This is Orrie, Joey, I have a quick question for ya.
}
} Webster: You mean an interrogative expression often used to test
}          knowledge? an interrogative sentence or clause? A subject or
}          aspect in dispute or open for discussion?
}
} Orrie:   *sigh* ...here we go...
}
} Webster: ...a subject or point of debate or a proposition to be voted
}          on in a meeting? The bringing of such to a vote? The specific
}          point at issue...
}
} Orrie:   JOSEPH WEBSTER!!!!!
}
} Webster: yes?
}
} Orrie:   I've got a quick question for you... one of these stupid
}          dirt-eaters wants to know when and where the word 'dude'
}          originated.
}
} Webster: originated... to give rise to. to INITIATE. To take or have
}          origin...
}
} Orrie:   CUT THAT OUT DAMMIT! *wipes brow*
}
} Webster: sorry.
}
} Orrie:   The definition...
}
} Webster: a word or phrase expressing the essential nature of a person
}          or thing. A statement of the mea...
}
} Orrie:   Um...
}
} Webster: ...ning of a word or word group or a sign or symbol. The
}          action or process of stating such...
}
} Orrie:   <BANGS PHONE RECEIVER AGAINST TRIPOD> BAM BAM BAAAMM!!!
}
} Webster: Ouch.
}
} Orrie:   <getting annoyed> 'dude'... the... origin... of!
}
} Webster: ah yes... dude \'d(y)u:d\ \'d(y)u:d-ish\ n [origin unknown] 1:
}          a man extremely fastidious in dress and manner : DANDY 2: a
}          city man; esp : an easterner in the West - dud.ish aj ...
}          Sorry Orrie its unknown!
}
} Orrie:   Oh well, thanks Joe...
}
} Webster: Kindly or grateful thoughts. GRATITUDE. An expression of gr...
}
} Orrie:   <Tosses Phone over side of mountain>
}
} You owe the oracle: a new phone and a pocket dictionary.


859-04    (3gxqo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I have lost my free Internet connection and find that I am so
> addicted to the Net that I am considering paying for a connection.
> This is embarassing, because, aside from AOL users, I know of no one
> else who pays for net access.  Do you have any suggestions for your
> humble supplicant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Forget the internet. We all know it's just a giant collection of
} dweebs, dorks, geeks, losers, etc. You can spend all day mailing
} letters to all your friends instead. It's much more fun than the
} internet ever was. Here are some suggestions to make your mail fun.
}
} 10. Encode binary files in them. Then post your extremely thick letter
} in someone's tiny mailbox.
}
} 9. On the outside of the envelope, write "Get rich quick! This is not a
} get rich quick scheme!"
}
} 8. Send a cookie recipe, for which you paid several hundred dollars, to
} people.
}
} 7. Mail your questions to me care of the Indiana University.
}
} 6. Reply to all your mail with another letter, which contains the
} entire original letter, and all you've added is "Me too!"
}
} 5. Send letter bombs. This can't be done over the internet at all! Not
} even if you live in a small wooden shack in the woods and people think
} you look like Weird Al Yankovic with dark glasses and hood.
}
} 4. Send chain letters to everyone. At the top of them, write "Sorry
} guys, but I have to do this, otherwise I will have brought misfortune
} upon my home! Just like Mrs. Tabatha Brookes did in 1963!"
}
} 3. Send mail to people in other countries, telling them why your
} country and/or race and/or political offiliation and/or operating
} system and/or spelling and/or grammar are superior.
}
} 2. Tell people why their post office is not as cool as your post
} office.
}
} 1. Send enormous parcels that, when opened up, contain a piece of paper
} that says, "Test - Ignore."
}
} P.S. Don't forget to practice your "signature".
}
} You owe the Oracle a reason why you were able to send me internet email
} despite your losing your internet account.


859-05    (7hrqp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In strictly technical terms, given the lack of amorous preparatory
} rituals in the typical barnyard fowl, it turns out that the rooster has
} always come first.
}
} You owe the oracle one chicken finger.


859-06    (aiHr4 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?  Give me one good reason.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ugh, we're not back to that damn keyboard thing are we?  LOOK!  It got
} fixed.  Your 'o' key works great, and your repeat is set to where it
} needs.  Do I get a "thank you, Orrie?"  No.  Did I get a "here's the
} twelve mail-order brides you wanted Orrie?"  NO!  Did I get a "I've
} started building that temple to honor you Orrie?"  NOOO!
}
} Fine.  You want one good reason? I'll give it to you!
}
} Reason:  Because if you shave GO CU BUFFS on the cat, it'll trigger an
} allergic reaction in your girlfriend, at which time she will start
} sneezing and back up into your glass end table, knocking it over and
} breaking it.  As you run over to help her, a concerned neighbor in the
} apartment next to you will see you walk towards her, and will call the
} police to arrest you for domestic abuse, you'll spend 40 hours going to
} domestic abuse classes (as in: how to avoid it) and on the way home
} from your last day you will be broadsided by an old '71 Torino with a
} NEBRASKA bumpersticker on it, and you will DIE.
}
} How's that for a reason?
}
} That, however, is not YOUR reason.  That belongs to Phil in Boulder.
}
} You owe the Oracle a grovel.  Not an "Oh, you're so great,
} etc..etc...now on to my question" sort of grovel, but a "Dear Oracle,
} whose sweat I am unworthy to wipe up, whose socks I yearn to bind my
} own wounds with, whom I would dedicate my life to (after 5pm...I have a
} job you know)" sort of grovel.


859-07    (5qyod dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why isn't this a question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle would suggest you to read "Metamagical Themas", by Douglas
} R. Hofstadter, Ch. 1. and 2, about self-referential sentences. But
} please do not read this paragraph as if it would be an answer to the
} question above, because it isn't one.
}
} You owe the Oracle some contemplation about where the last 'it' in the
} paragraph above refers to. Let me help you a little. It goes without
} saying


859-08    (9qBp5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can anyone help!
>
> When using the AmigaDOS command "requestchoice" how do you use the
> numbers that are returned to do anything useful???????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is an excellent question!  The usefullness of numbers is often
} overlooked.  When AmigaDOS returns a 7, watch for an 11.  If you get
} one, it's a sign that you will come into a lot of money.  Or lose a
} lot, depending upon which side you're playing.
}
} In general, any 13 you receive may safely be tossed out, and if your
} hardware is made in the Orient, I would recommend you toss out every
} 4, as that number bears the stigma of death.  (The words "four" and
} "death" are both "shi" in Japanese.  Similar overloading occurs in
} Chinese.)
}
} 5, 6 and 8 are especially robust numbers, and you can put any of them
} into storage until bleak times, if need be.  Beware of 3 and its
} multiples, especially 9.  They can cause your plants to wither and the
} end of your dipstick to corrode.
}
} You will find 2 and 10 to be your most useful numbers.  10 is the base
} of most progress in Western and Eastern Civilisation, but 2 is
} catching up more rapidly than many ever had imagined.  Treasure these
} numbers, and keep them stored in a cool, dry place.


859-09    (dsum9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know where to find pages on Everclear, Radiohead,
> Tripping Daisy, Supergrass or Alternative music in general

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry to tell you your music tastes are a little out of
} date, not to mention your use of the term "alternative" to
} describe them. Alternative to what? Being given a root canal
} in a bath of ethyl alcohol? Getting dragged through a field
} of concertina wire behind a truck? Having someone take your
} temperature with a meat thermometer in your ear?
}
} No, my dear Supplicant, the bands you names are most definately
} _not_ "alternative," nor will they ever hope to be. Instead,
} I'm giving you a list of the truly "alternative" bands, with
} the hope that you might educate the teeming hordes of young
} people in this world who still think Nirvana is "good music."
}
} 1) FEEBLE BASTARDS (g.o.p. records, 1923 or so)
}
}       These guys prove that nothing quite shakes the prune
}    juice out of you like a good polka. Amazingly, if you look
}    closely at the band picture inside the cover of their
}    newest album (called "Young and Idealistic and Full of It"),
}    you'll be amazed to find a slightly younger Bob Dole on
}    accordion.
}
} 2) ROADKILL SUPERSTARS (smoosh records, 2023)
}
}       Out to prove that some things last a really long time
}    (like fungus or body odor), this band will rip into your
}    senses with all the subtlety of a chainsaw and the grace
}    of Gerald Ford. Known for their radical stage shows,
}    involving everything from chicken wire to taser guns, these
}    guys specialize in covers ranging from early Al Jolson to
}    Captain and Tennile.
}       Groovy.
}
} 3) MY MOTHER ATE MY STUDEBAKER (gravpop records, 1993)
}
}       Okay, okay, so they sound like metal grating against
}    other metal (which, not surprisingly), they are. Lead singer
}    Rick Steele hefts a mean iron bar clap-hammer, while Eddie
}    Tungsten and Bobby McBrass keep time with a rusted Sears
}    Craftsman trash can lid and 4 spools of copper wire.
}    Percussionist Steven Alloy gives it his all when he's bearing
}    down hard on an assortment of aluminum siding, brass fittings,
}    platinum kickplates, and grape nuts.
}
} 4) EXPECTORATE IN A MINDLESSLY INDIGNANT FASHION (loose records,
}     2005)
}
}       A hard working band from New York City, these 5 lads
}    originally began life as "Spit Wild." After 2 shows, they
}    decided to soften the name to "Spew Crazy," but found
}    audiences responded better to the cozier-sounding "Spittle
}    Exciting."  A Sony marketing team assigned to the band
}    shortly after they changed their name to "Hock a Lugie
}    Indecently" decided they should become "Lung Cookie Mindless."
}       It was in a dispute with Sony over this name that
}    they moved to Elektra, who settled on "The Beatles..."
}    spawning a 10 year lawsuit against the group by Michael
}    Jackson, Inc. which ended in the court decision which
}    returned the group's name to a semblance of its former glory,
}    with a little added legalese twist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the very very rare "Plaid Album."


859-10    (5cuCh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> there is any help on help of oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, certainly.  Here is the help file for the Oracle help file.
}
} Using the Oracle Help File
} (a helpful guide for first time supplicants)
}
} Your Internet Oracle helpfile has been handcrafted expecially for you
} by skilled Norwegian goat herders.  With proper care and pampering, it
} will last you for many years, and may be read again and again, as long
} as you observe these simple precautions:
}
} 1) Read from the top line to the bottom line, starting at the left hand
} side of each line, and working your way to the right.  The Oracle will
} not be held responsible for stunt readers attempting to read the file
} from finish to start or in the mirror.
}
} 2) The help file is best read from the outside of your computer screen.
} Under no circumstances should you attempt to read both sides of the
} screen at once.
}
} 3) Do not attempt to translate the file into Welsh as you read.
} Consonants are a protected species and there aren't that many left.
}
} 4) If part of the file appears to be missing, this could be because
} it's too large to fit on your screen at once.
}
} 5) Never, NEVER attempt to read the Oracle help file whilst your PC is
} on fire, whilst wearing wet copper armour in the middle of a
} thunderstorm, whilst juggling live woodchucks, or whilst asleep.
}
} 6) Be careful not to accidentally post the file to every Usenet group
} under the title MAKE MONEY FAST.
}
} 7) Keep the Internet tidy.  Once you have finished with your copy of
} the help file, please send it to /dev/null for recycling.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the consonants from a Welsh dictionary.


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