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Internet Oracularities #86

Goto:
86, 86-01, 86-02, 86-03, 86-04, 86-05, 86-06, 86-07, 86-08, 86-09, 86-10


Usenet Oracularities #86
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 23 Dec 89 01:20:52 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


86-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Christine thinking at this very moment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a transcript of Christene's thoughts:
}
} Oh, where did I leave my hat ...  hat ...  hat ...  oh, there is is on
} my bed.  Keys, let's see, right pocket, yes, there they are.  I did get
} money yesterday, $60 ought to be plenty-plenty.  Roger has a cute ass
} but he chews like a rabbitt.  Diana's much better.  It's snowing
} outside.  Where is my red coat?  I could get her a ...  I forgot to put
} the chow main away.


86-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will lightening strike me down if I dial a 900 number from my home
> phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not necessarily.  If you happened to dial the Violent Weather hotline at
} 1-900-VIO-RAIN, this indeed is a possibility.  However, calling the
} Sudden Death hotline at 1-900-RUP-TURE can result in a brain tumor or
} perhaps even a heart attack.  Calling 1-800-RUP-TURE results in a mild
} contusion, but it's free.
}
} Other important numbers:
}
} 1-900-BOV-INES: Makes you grow horns and/or give milk.
} 1-900-MAN-ATEE: Makes you very fat very quickly.
} 1-900-SQU-ARED: Same as if you had dialed 361-0000 (1900 times 1900).
} 1-900-STU-PID:  Will do nothing since it doesn't contain enough numbers
}                 to be valid.
} 1-900-SIG-MUND: Allows you to listen to a person speaking in German very
}                 quickly.
} 1-900-BIG-LOUD: A large guy will be sent to your home to tell you not to
}                 ever, ever dial that number again.
}
} Hope this confuses you.  If you need help, hang up and then dial your
} Operator.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1 for the first minute and $.45 for each
} additional minute.


86-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just read in the Oracularities about Barbara, the
> net.suppleness.goddess.  You didn't say much, though.  So I ask.
>
> Just as Lisa is extremely sexy in everything she does, so must
> Barbara, I assume, be extremely supple in everything she does.
>
> So what does Barbara do when she:
>
> * Ties her shoelaces?
>
> * Brushes her teeth?
>
> * Papers her walls?
>
> * Sits in a chair, meditating?
>
> (Not to mention what Lisa does...  Well, next time...  ;-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She just does all this things with deep grace and beauty.  Of course,
} she can tie her shoelaces by tying her arms together, holding one lace
} in each hand, and then untying her arms.  But that is a sort of party
} trick -- she doesn't do it all the time.


86-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm seeking enlightenment.  What software should I buy to help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.  Sri Fuji Rama's MacMeditation package is a good one for beginners,
}     with pulldown menus and superb documentation.
}
} 2.  Swami Batdhude Vajnananda's MacMoksha is a good system for those
}     planning to give away all their belongings and go be hermits.
}
} 3.  Lotus 1-2-3 is probably the best program for most of that kind of
}     mental shit.


86-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, dear Oracle:
>
> When I receive a question to answer, there is a number in the subject
> line.  I thought this was some cind of serial numbering, but the numbers
> are not steadily increasing.  So what do the numbers mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear.  I'm afraid you shouldn't be answering questions for the
} Oracle.  Every Acolyte of the Oracle is supposed to go through a
} training course and have a copy of the Oracle Reference Manual on hand
} at all times.  In that manual, on page 12 it explains that these numbers
} encode the answer to the question being asked.  Your job is just to
} translate the answer into English.
}
} Your question for example was labelled #Qa15652.  This can be parsed up
} as follows:
}     # Language of response (#=English, $=French, etc.)
}     Q Mood (P=polite, Q=queasy, R=rambling, etc.)
}     a Auxiliary mood (a=apologetic, i=insulting, o=obscene, etc.)
}     15652 A Godel encoding of the answer.  Obviously, I can't
}         include the entire manual here.  Just as an illustration,
}         if the Godel number is prime the answer is truthful.
}
} If you want to become a certified Acolyte of the Oracle, send mail to
} the Oracle with "teach me" in the subject line.


86-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>    Why does my board have a pen and where do I get another?  How's the
> weather over there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, your board just has no pen,
} and never more it will again,
} Until the cuckoo doth begin,
}   To ask about the weather.
}
} A fool upon the board did write
} Some verses set in black and white
} All using wording recondite
}   to ask about the weather.
}
} Your lady-love upon the board
} Her hopes and fears and sorrows poured,
} But all of them you had ignored
}   to ask about the weather.
}
} The noble board upon the wall
} Has messages from one and all
} But you despise it as you call
}   to ask about the weather.
}
} You owe the Oracle a weathermap.


86-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey!  Who cut my head off!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Contrary to common belief, people cannot have their heads cut off
} without having at least a small suspicion at to who has done it.  It is
} apparent to the Oracle that you are suffering from what is referred to
} as spontaneous cranial detachment, known in the vernacular as a 'head
} crash.' The only solution is to go to the place you last remember having
} your head, and feel around for it.  Detached heads are not known for
} their exceptional mobility, and it should not have wandered far.  This
} should be done with due haste because of the possibility of brain
} leakage.  Of course this is not fatal.  If you find your head somewhat
} lacking in brains either due to this mishap or simply as a fact of life,
} it is always possible to get a job as in data entry or politics.
}
} You owe the Oracle one frontal lobe, preferably yours.


86-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I get a magic wand which will turn whatever I touch with it
> invisible?  I need to give it to a very strange friend as a Christmas
> present.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have a whole box of them here. You may certainly have one. See how it
} works? I just wave it over this page of typing, and  t  v nish     th
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
}


86-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just got a letter in the mail asking me to join "Santa Claus
> Anonymous".  What is the significance of this?  I have never had a Santa
> Claus habit in my entire life.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're confused.  FantaClaws Nuns Anonymous is the organization for
} religious women secretly and illegaly modifying their required dress
} (knows as the habit) to costumes of fantastic animals with large claws;
} usually this modification is done with religious ecstatic intent.  Santa
} Claus Anonymous is a well known pyramid scheme, whereby unsuspecting
} children are given anonymous gifts (usually laid to a mythical figure
} known as Santa Claus) and then recruited to buy and give gifts to
} others, usually by the promise of a great return on their generousity
} (e.g., "Little Johnny gave his sister a baby doll and in one week had
} received over three thousand GI Joe weapons systems, many of them with
} cost overruns").  Once indoctrinated into the Santa Claus pyramid
} scheme, most individuals continue to buy and give gifts for the
} remainder of their lives, in spite of repeated disappointments and even
} in spite of coming to disbelieve in the scheme; the habit seems
} impossible to break.
}
} Santa Claus Anonymous is a small group of courageous victims who never
} give gifts, never receive gifts, never deceive children, and who meet
} every week to reassure each other that they're doing the right thing
} (and incidentally, to reminesce about the days of their captivity, and
} the gifts they gave and received).


86-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You are always complaining about getting stupid questions,why don't you
> just nuke the jerks sending them to you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a fabulous idea!  Why didn't I think of that?
}
} Let's see now...just whip up a few radiation-enhanced small warheads
} with an e-mail delivery system...then tag 'em on to a pithy reply...
}
} HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
}
} Huh?
}
} REMEMBER YOUR JOB, STUPID.  YOU ARE OMNISCIENT, NOT OMNIPOTENT.  THAT'S
} MY DOMAIN, IF YOU'LL EXAMINE YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSES FOR RAM.
}
} Oh, well, gee, immense one, I forgot.  I can't help it!  I do get lots
} of stupid questions!  They're driving me crazy!
}
} I UNDERSTAND.  BUT THE SORT OF REVENGE YOU WERE CONTEMPLATING IS FOR ME
} TO INFLICT, NOT AN INSIGNIFICANT MILLIBIT LIKE YOU.
}
} Aw, gee, could I do just one?  It would set a great example.
}
} OH, VERY WELL.  BUT ONE AND ONE ONLY.  AND IT HAD BETTER BE A REALLY
} STUPID QUESTION, LIKE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FRAYED KNOTS.
}
} Oh yes, ma'am.  I'll save it for someone so stupid that Lisa would use
} them to polish her driveway.
}
} Now, I'll just sit and wait for the next really stupid question...
}
} You owe the Oracle a kilogram of supercritical U-238.


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