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18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:34:05 GMT

Internet Oracularities #862

Goto:
862, 862-01, 862-02, 862-03, 862-04, 862-05, 862-06, 862-07, 862-08, 862-09, 862-10


Internet Oracularities #862    (126 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 1996 13:43:51 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
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   862
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

862  126 votes 7jwHp 5tMxb 7rFBe asyDf 9lEss dozAi 3jGIi 3cwQr 9goqP eJCm7
862   3.3 mean  3.5   3.1   3.2   3.2   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.7   3.7   2.7


862-01    (7jwHp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the PVCS Configuration Builder such a pain in the
> backside to use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I'm not mistaken, that's not the place you are supposed to use it.


862-02    (5tMxb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do people spend a fortune on hormones, electrolysis and dangerous
> surgery when I can get a Complete Gender Change Kit for $19.95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Included in your Complete Gender Change Kit:
}
} 1 pair Large Scissors
} 2 bottles rubbing alcohol
} 1 "Acme Gland Removal" cranial drill
} 1 Tire pump
} 30 feet of sanitary gauze
} 5 rolls of high-stick tape
} 1 woodchuck
}
} Also included in your "M->F" kit are:
}      "Pump-M-Up" epidermal breast inserts
}      23 tubes of "Burn-Les" brand hair removal lotion
}      1 pair silk panties
}      "How to PMS" instruction book
}
} Also included in your "F->M" kit are:
}      "Pump-M-Up" genitalia package.
}      11 pounds "EZ Stik" human hair (assorted lengths/colors)
}      1 pair all-cotton briefs
}      1 all-cotton white T-Shirt (Slightly soiled)
}      "How to get the most from your Belch" instruction book
}
} You owe the Oracle, incarnated as <klinew@leav-emh1.army.mil> $19.95,
} plus shipping and handling.


862-03    (7rFBe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where did those black smudges on my shirt sleeves come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir,
}
} If you examine those smudges very closely you'll notice that they
} aren't actually smudges at all.  Rather, they are patches of burnt
} fabric.  In fact, as you read this response, you'll note that they have
} now spread to your collar.
}
} Of course, by now you are experiencing the true mind-clearing
} enlightenment of a slow motion ZOT.  Perhaps the crispy sounds of
} your hair turning to smoke will remind you that supplicants grovel in
} front of the Oracle for a reason.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dry-cleaned shirt and a decent grovel.


862-04    (asyDf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis and Jane Ferriby-Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most discerning, whose jokes I am unworthy to decode, why
> are some Oracularities funny and well-written while others are
> simple-minded and uninspired?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think answers are chosen for the digests on individual merit? Join
} the '90s, pal. Nowadays the priesthood are forced to balance each
} digest for submissions across a wide band of age, race, gender, sexual
} preference, occupation and physical ability. As most of the oracular
} incarnations are 17-25 year old white heterosexual male computer geeks,
} this can cause difficulties selecting all high-quality answers. There
} is a 78 year old disabled black lesbian social worker who's had an
} answer in every digest since #712.
}
} You owe the Oracle a political correctness filter.


862-05    (9lEss dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is it about American culture
> that makes them think the epitome of female beauty is
> an anorexic figure with small bones and no flesh on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, a trick question. You said "American culture".
}
} You owe the Oracle an oxymoron.


862-06    (dozAi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh dear oracle almighty,
>
> please enlighten me on this question:
>
> Why does MS-DOS suck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if it blew, all the bits would fall off your disk.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VAX.


862-07    (3jGIi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have heard a lot of people (mostly on
> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica) grousing about JPEG images
> being poorer quality than GIFs.  But I have found the opposite
> to be true:  JPEGs are good quality, but GIFs usually have a
> very odd appearance - they look like those old paint-by-numbers
> pictures.  Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GIF stands for "Girly-picture Information Format,"  and JPEG stands for
} "Juveniles Peering-at Exposed Genitalia."  Although GIF is an older
} file format, it is generally regarded as higher quality than JPEG,
} since JPEGs are usually pictures from less classy magazines, like
} Hustler, High Society, and Swank.  GIFs are usually scans from Playboy
} and Penthouse, which are publications that are worth reading for the
} reading material, not just for the dirty pictures included in the
} middle.
}
} Now as for why the GIFs don't look as good to you as the JPEGs, I can
} only guess that you might have impaired your own vision somehow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to the eye doctor, before you go blind.


862-08    (3cwQr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh wonderful Oracle, who is so very big, and vast, and
> huge, please do not squash this humble grovelling supplicant
> like a bug.  I beg of you, oh large and giant one, please
> answer my insignificant question:  What is hell like?  I
> work for the government, can it be any worse than this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many think Hell is a place where they bathe in molten lava and
} funny-lookin guys in red suits stick pitchforks in their butts. That
} is, however, an exclusive spa outside of Santa Fe. Others think Hell is
} like the "Got Milk" commercials, of which the Oracle is very fond.
}
} However, the truth is that Hell is like using only Microsoft products,
} on 8088 machines running at half speed, with 64K of memory, on a fuzzy
} amber screen with a blurry spot in the middle and no brightness
} control, with no mouse, with a keyboard that has no vowels, on a desk
} made of dried, packed asbestos, in a building in Florida in the middle
} of summer with no air conditioning, while wearing a wool suit over a
} hair shirt made from porcupine quills and woodchuck fur, working on the
} revised whitepaper of a proposal for a second comment on the response
} to the initiative paper of the advisory committe to the office of the
} assistant undersecretary of transportation deal with traffic cone
} color, while an intercom system picked up from a New York City Transit
} Commission auction blares Kenny G tunes and funny looking guys dressed
} in red suits stick pitchforks in your butt.
}
} In other words, it's *EXACTLY* like working for the government.
}
} You owe the oracle an Animaniacs Pez dispenser with a cherry refill.


862-09    (9goqP dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....  Keeps on
> going....  What makes it do that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, jeez. Did you just put a Moebius strip in the shredder?


862-10    (eJCm7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, who's flatulence I am not worthy to smell,
> please answer your humble supplicant's most unworthy questions:
> What would it be like if Microsoft made something else, like,
> say, Furniture or a tasty meal you can eat from a can?  Would
> Macintosh also go into the furniture/food business?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well actually Apple already *is* in the food business.  But don't
} tell Bill Gates - he hasn't found out yet.  And if he does, you'll
} be seeing advertisements like:
}
}   Fresh Microsofts - only $1.99/pound.  In the produce section.
}
} And you wouldn't want that, would you?  I mean, imagine going to a
} friend's house for dinner, and finding out he's made microsoft pie
} for dessert.  A less appetizing confection is hard to imagine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.


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