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Internet Oracularities #863

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863, 863-01, 863-02, 863-03, 863-04, 863-05, 863-06, 863-07, 863-08, 863-09, 863-10


Internet Oracularities #863    (123 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 7 Oct 1996 15:36:07 -0500 (EST)

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   863
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

863  123 votes BABb2 6mGAh 7kKEa 7zUk5 ahxux 7fGGh 1dMwt 5kBEl 6nJH6 nLF93
863   3.1 mean  2.2   3.3   3.2   2.8   3.5   3.4   3.6   3.4   3.2   2.4


863-01    (BABb2 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and musky-smelling,
> Who will win the battle for Mikey's love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Life cereal.


863-02    (6mGAh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, who's flatulence I am not worthy to smell,
> please answer your humble supplicant's most unworthy questions:
> What would it be like if Microsoft made something else, like,
> say, Furniture or a tasty meal you can eat from a can?  Would
> Apple also go into the furniture business?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What computer & software companies would make if there were no
} computers:
}
} Apple:        In the business of selling Beatles and Beatles-related
}               merchandise, music, and associated ventures.
}
} AutoPlan:     Drivers' club, offering travel insurance, service, and
}               maps.
}
} BudTool:      Floral arrangements, vases, and indoor gardening
}               equipment.
}
} Commodore:    Toilets which can't hold nearly as much as they should,
}               but have lots of nifty features when they actually work.
}               Pretty to watch, but a pain in the butt to use.
}
} Compaq:       Small cars which were quite popular for a while, despite
}               the fact that they never worked very well, and you can
}               get hurt quite badly when they crash.
}
} Cray:         Lobster traps built to catch more lobsters than you knew
}               there were, faster than you thought was possible, but
}               extremely expensive.
}
} Data Products:Licensed distributors of Star Trek <tm> memorabilia.
}
} DEC:          Summer recreation equipment, and hot-tubs.
}
} Digital
} Equipment:    Gloves & lubricant for use in digital exams.
}
} HP:           Bridles, stirrups, saddles, and associated tack.
}
} IBM:          Intentionally Boring Machines.  Big blue boxes which just
}               sit on a desktop and do nothing whatsoever, but do it
}               very reliably.
}
} Intel:        The new name for MENSA which was tired of hearing PMS
}               jokes from morons.
}
} Interleaf:    Singles encounter group for nature lovers.
}
} Internet:     Singles encounter group for butterfly collectors.
}
} Lotus:        Transcendental Meditation equipment (virtual products)
}
} Microsoft:    Laundry products for children, which keep getting promised
}               to the market, but which never actually get shipped.
}
} Netscape:     Underwater landscaping contractor.  Started out small,
}               then completely crushed their former competition, called
}               "mosaic", who used to lay all tile, but are now shut out
}               of the market for in-ground swimming pools.
}
} QMS:          Feminine hygiene products for use, er, after "PMS".
}
} Rational Rose:Flower delivery for philosopy majors.
}
} Seagate:      International oceanic shipping.
}
} SGI:          Silicone Graphics Incorporated:  Smut magazine publishers,
}               owned by Larry Flint.
}
} SUN:          Septic Union National - labor unit for underground
}               workers.
}
} VAX:          Mentholatum ointment to clear the sinuses, now only rarely
}               used.
}
} WWW:          World-Wide-Waste.  Waste management corporation, which
}               handles the billions of tons of garbage generated by just
}               about everybody these days.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good book.  In HyperText, please.


863-03    (7kKEa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, who's flatulence I am not worthy to smell,
> please answer your humble supplicant's most unworthy question:
> Why can't software companies keep their release dates?  Why
> do the always have to push them back seven or eight times?
> Isn't there some law that says they have to put the software
> out when they announce it, or pay everyone who would have
> bought it a ton of money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but the release of this answer has been slightly delayed.
}
} You should expect an answer by January. March at the lastest.


863-04    (7zUk5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> A tiny flying saucer follows my mouse pointer all over the screen,
> wherever it goes.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} General, sir, that's a radar screen you're looking at, and that's the
} first sign of an invasion by alien forces.  Don't waste any more time!
} Scramble the jets!  Evacuate the White House!  And don't forget to
} take "Socks" or Chelsea will be quite an unhappy first teenager.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those surround sound systems like they had
} at the theater where I saw "Independence Day."


863-05    (ahxux dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Click click.
> Whirr....
> k-krnk
> clinkclatter
> zip zip
> thud
> whirr...
> click.  click click.  k-krnk.  k-k.  cleek.
> tap tap tap.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Click click.
}
} Went the machine as Walter Mitty, Surgeon Extrodinaire, was in the
} operating room. It was an unusual sound as all of the other machines
} always made that infamous pocketa-pocketa sound. Walter found this
} sound strangely fascinating..
}
} "Wake Up!" Screamed Water's Boss. Walter was in fact a computer
} programmer and had just arrived at work. "Get that Tape read, fix
} that monitor, make my coffee, get then start on your next project.
} Now Move it!"  "ye.. Yes sir," Walter said. Still in a daze, Walter
} stumbled into the tape library and went to work.
}
} > Whirr....
}
} Went the electro-magnetic motor as Walter Mitty, Captain of the Bullet.
} The fastest train in the world. It was an interestingly pleaseing
} sound as most of the sounds he usually heard went pocketa, pocketa.
}
} > k-krnk
}
} "Sir, the brake controls have broken!" shouted the engineer. "Not to
} worry," Walter shouted back, "I can fix that problem. Hand me a
} ballpoint pen."
}
} "HOW ON EARTH do you expect to clean up your broken coffee cup
} with a ball point pen?" asked Carla. Carla was the official tape
} librarian. She was an interesting woman, 5'6" long blonde hair,
} dark eyes. Carla looked upon Walter as "cute." Walter, of course,
} (as always happens in these stories) really wanted to be able to get
} up the courage to ask Carla out for a hot dog but could never muster
} up enough courage. "Um,... I.. I'm sorry, Carla. I'll clean it up
} right away."  "That's ok, Walter. I'll help. You were off in one of
} your cute daydreams again weren't you? We'll just get this cleaned
} up before the boss see it and there won't be any problems."
}
} > clinkclatter
}
} went the pieces of Walter's cup as they were thrown in the trash.
} "Say, Walter, I'm moving into a new place this weekend. Would you
} mind helping me move?"  "S...Sure! I just need directions." As Carla
} passed him a copy of the directions, Walter was already looking
} forward to the weekend.  "Thanks Carla. I'll be there at 8am. sharp!"
} Walter went back to his office to put the papar in his briefcase.
}
} > zip zip
}
} Went the Zipper on the briefcase of Walter Mitty, Lawyer Extrodinnaire.
} It was time for his biggest clients case. As Walter approached
} the banch, he could see the jury there. Thirsty for the death of
} his client. Silent, waiting. the bailiff entered the courtroom.
} Everyone rose for the when the Judge entered the room. "I now declare
} court in session. Judge John Marshall presiding.
}
} > thud
}
} went the gavel. His biggest contest was about to beg...
}
} "Walter, Walter Mitty.. Hello?" Carla suddenly appeared and Walter
} awoke with a start. "Sorry to have let your door slam Walter.
} I hate those new hinges."  "Anyway, I came to lend you a coffee cup.
} I realized with yours broken, you might need one today."  "Thank you
} Carla. You a very Kind," stammered Walter.
}
} > whirr...
}
} "Oh, that must be your batch run on your tape finishing. I'll bring it
} over in a minute." As Carla turned to leave Walter wondered at such
} a marvel of modern womanhood. He then turned to start working on the
} monitor. It seems that somehow, the color-generator had been confused.
} So all the blues came out red and all the yellows as blues and the
} reds didn't work at all. Walter had the monitor in pieces on his desk..
}
} "This is the most confusing puzzle I have ever seem Watson,"
} said Walter Mitty, Super Detective. "I have all the pieces to the
} puzzle but for the life of me I can't seem to put it together."
} Detective Mitty reached for his violin and began to play. It was
} while we was playing that he thought the best.  His violin made that
} all-to-familiar pocketa-pocketa sound. Suddenly he heard a sound.
} It began small and increased into a loud crescendo.
}
} > click.  click click.  k-krnk.  k-k.  cleek.  WHAM!
}
} The monitor fell onto the floor and the scfeen shattered into a hundred
} pieces.  Walter immediately dived onto his kneew and started sweeping
} up the pieces. This hadn't been a good day for Walter. "Walter, are
} you ok? What happened?" It was Carla, she had been on the way back to
} Walters office with the tapes and print-outs when she heard the noise.
} "I'll get a vacuum. we'll get this cleaned up then I'm taking you home.
} I'll come pick you up again in the morning so you can get your car."
} As Carla left, Walter was stunned. Even more so than usual.  What was
} going on? Where was he? This must be a monday. As Walter listened to
} her walking down the hallway, He heard the
}
} > tap tap tap.
}
} of the footsteps fading away. It was at that point that he knew
} that there was no cask of Amantanaldio (sp?) There was no way out.
} But Walter could still hear the pocketa-pocketa sound which meant
} everything must turn out right in the end....
}
} You owe the Oracle a conclusion to this story, a copy of the short
} story "The Secret life of Walter Mitty," and a machine that goes
} pocketa-pocketa


863-06    (7fGGh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I have noticed that clothes frequently
> shrink in the wash.  Why, then, don't I get smaller when I
> take a bath?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do shrink. You just haven't noticed it because you don't bathe
} frequently enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shower. Don't you wish everyone did?


863-07    (1dMwt dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I am an amateur fencer (that's swords, not split
> rail), and I wear glasses.  (12.5 diopters.  I can't do without them.)
> My problem is that my glasses get all scratched up by the wire mesh
> mask.  I can't wear contact lenses, because they irritate my eyes.
> Is there any solution to this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A number of ideas come to mind:
}
} 1. Before each match, spray your opponent in the face with pepper spray
}    this with make their eyes run, and reduce their vision to that of
}    yours without correction.  Then you can fence without your glasses
}    on.  Still, be careful.  It is considered bad form to run the line
}    judge through.
}
} 2. If you can afford it, have a perspex face mask ground to your
}    prescription.  Then you could leave the glasses off.  This
}    has serious disadvantage if you fight Sabre, though, as the
}    average Sabre fighter can hack through 1/2 inch flint steel.
}    Come to think of it, you may as well leave off the mask if you
}    are going to fight Sabre.
}
} 3. Pay some quack to strap you to a table for what is called
}    "Laser PRK".  Remember the scene in "Goldfinger"?  Where
}    James Bond is strapped to the table under the laser beam?
}    Yeah, it's just like that.  If you survive, your vision
}    may be improved.
}
} 4. Get your opponents to glue bells to the ends of their swords.
}
} 5. Train with Shao-Lin monks in a monastery high in the Himalayas
}    for a decade or so.  When you can snatch the pebbles from
}    your teacher's hand, you will no longer need your eyes to know
}    where your opponent is.  Of course, you will have forgotten
}    how to fence by then, Grasshopper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a description of the four secret Bonetti defenses.


863-08    (5kBEl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest one, why do pigeons make so much noise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This reminds me of a little-known thought experiment by that fellow
} Schroedinger, where he put a pigeon in a soundproof box.  As soon as he
} closed the lid on the box, the pigeon would either poop on your car, or
} a large tree would fall on the pigeon.  But until you opened the box,
} you wouldn't know whether or not you needed to have your car washed,
} and since the box was soundproofed, the tree couldn't make a sound,
} since you weren't there to hear it, and the pigeon was dead, so he
} couldn't hear it either.  This is the basis of one of the fundamental
} theorems that forms the mathematical underpinnings of the branch of
} science known as Quantum Dianetics.
}
} In Quantum Dianetics, you will discover:
}
} Why do fools fall in love? (p. 63)
}
} How do I get a date with that cutie on the taco commercial? (p. 9)
}
} Was it all really Dad's fault? (p. 1046)
}
} Is the world really just a big scientific experiment being conducted
} by aliens from another dimension, with me as some kind of guinea pig
} in their fiendish plot to gain a deeper understanding of what makes
} humans tick?  (p. 666)
}
} How many quacks would a quack-duck quack, if a quack-duck could
} quack quack?  (p. 1)
}
} Quantum Dianetics!  Available in all fine airports where cult
} literature is sold by the brainwashed.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of Tom Lehrer's "Poisoning Pigeons in
} the Park."


863-09    (6nJH6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Rice Krispies go "Snap Crackle Pop", then why don't Tootie Fruities
> go "Wop Bop-a-loo Bop a-Wop Bam Boom"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Little Richard would get a residual every time somebody ate
} tutti frutti flavored ice cream, gum, or baked beans.  ASCAP fees can
} really erode your profit margin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a song about the sound made when you pour milk over
} a bowl of oatmeal.


863-10    (nLF93 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose teeth shine brightly,
> What would happen if you accidently swallowed a mouthful of toothpaste?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would be blessed with an odour of sanctity.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a toothpaste or toothpowder that
} doesn't have synthetic peppermint flavouring as its primary ingredient.


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