[IO]
Internet Oracle
25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:43:36 GMT

Internet Oracularities #864

Goto:
864, 864-01, 864-02, 864-03, 864-04, 864-05, 864-06, 864-07, 864-08, 864-09, 864-10


Internet Oracularities #864    (123 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 14 Oct 1996 09:41:16 -0500 (EST)

@@@ Happy Birthday, Internet Oracle!
@@@
@@@ The Internet Oracle celebrated it's 7th birthday Tuesday, 8 October
@@@ 1996.  Best wishes to all the supplicants, incarnations, priests
@@@ voters, and readers -- you are the Oracle.

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   864
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

864  123 votes bTwm3 5mEHd 3hSCb 3oLH6 2mtDv fAFkb doywk Hzs98 9lBEg 6kwwx
864   3.1 mean  2.6   3.3   3.3   3.2   3.6   2.8   3.2   2.2   3.3   3.5


864-01    (bTwm3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, most sane and most lately wrong...
>
> What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} W - you're so wonderful
} H - you're so huggable
} A - you're an armful of desire
} T - you're so touchable
} R - you're remarkable
} H - you're as hot as any fire
} Y - you're you, after all
} M - you're not masterful
} E - you're an expert in damn all
} S - you're a stupid berk
} W - you'll be out of work
} I - if I've any say at all
} T - you're so treachable
} H - and heat-treatable
} Z - I could zoom my staff on you
} O - you're out of here
} T - so shed a tear
} ! - cos you haven't got a clue


864-02    (5mEHd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what is the difference between "Geek"
> and "Dork", and why do most ISP's allow them to run rampant
> in the ranks without any form of harness whatsoever?
>
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has found it very difficult to harness geeks and dorks.
} Thick glasses and narrow shoulders make it difficult to get a bridle
} on one of the little suckers.
}
} The difference between "geek" and "dork" is simple. Geeks have
} saleable computer skills, especially in this, the day of the
} Information Supermetaphor.  Dorks still bag groceries, badly.
}
} ISPs find that geeks and dorks, when allowed to roam free, generally
} don't cause much of a problem and will occasionally fix the news
} server when it goes south, something the buff & well-coiffed marketing
} types just can't do. There isn't much of a chance that the geek &
} dork population will increase on its own -- there isn't much chance
} of breeding opportunities for this population. Bill Gates, however,
} is an exception.
}
} The downside, of course, is that geek droppings (Dilbert cartoons
} and Nerf products) can, in time, clog up an ISP to the point where
} it falls apart.  This is, of course, why big vans pulled up to AOL
} headquarters the day after the system crash. They hauled off all of
} the geeks and dorks, leaving a building full of ravenous marketers &
} free 3.5" floppies.
}
} The Oracle does not have high hopes for AOL. Geeks, when torn from
} their natural habitat, have a Lassie-like tendency to try and return.
} When thwarted, they grow vengeful and crash servers.
}
} The Oracle is also amused that you try and disassociate yourself
} from the geek population. Just by asking a question, you have raised
} your ranking in the Geek Code. Foolish mortal, you can't deceive the
} Oracle -- you identified with the Tri-Lambdas in "Revenge of the Nerds"
} and you know it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dilbert doll and a Nerf gatling gun.


864-03    (3hSCb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why does Larry Ellison say that browsers will be a
> thing of the past within 2 years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He doesn't - you misheard him.  What he says is that TROUSERS will
} be a thing of the past.  It's all a byproduct of the "sexual
} revolution".  People have become convinced that sex is a fine and
} natural thing, not the root of all evil like it used to be.  And
} skirts are SO much more convenient than trousers.  Besides being
} more structurally suited to the male anatomy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a priest's frock and a kilt.


864-04    (3oLH6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who is unaffected by poison,
> I am soon going on a trip where I will inevitably come across spiders.
> How can I avoid being bitten?  What should I do if I get bitten anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to avoid being bitten by a spider is to make it clear that
} you are quite willing to bite back.  Most spiders, if confronted by an
} individual who seems prepared to bite back (especially individuals with
} bad breath) will choose not to bite.  However, if the spider does
} choose to bite you, here are some steps youcan take:
}
} 1)Scream Loudly while dancing around in pain.
}
} 2)Locate the Spider that bit you, and seal it in a glass petri dish,
}   being sure to keep it alive.
}
} 3)Scream Loudly (the pain should have passed by now).
}
} 4)Go to your local library and take out a copy of "The Arachnid
}   Oracle's Complete Guide to Spiders."
}
} 5)Scream Loudly and begin scratching at the now itching spider bite.
}
} 6)Return to the site where you hold the spider captive.
}
} 7)SHUT UP, I'm getting a little tired of all this screaming.
}
} 8)With the book open on the table, examine the spider.
}
} 9)Congratulation, the spider that bit you is not poisoness.  If it
}   where, you would have been dead somewhere between steps 3 and 4.
}
} 10)Assured of your survival, eat a pizza with garlic AND BITE BACK.
}
} Of course, if these methods don't interest you, you could always tuck
} your pants into your socks.
}
} You owe the Oracle "Deep Web Off".


864-05    (2mtDv dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           _____
>          /      \
>         (____/\  )
>          |___  U?(____
>          _\L.   |      \     ___
>        / /"""\ /.-'     |   |\  |
>       ( /  _/u     |    \___|_)_|
>        \|  \\      /   / \_(___ __)
>         |   \\    /   /  |  |    |
>         |    )  _/   /   )  |    |
>         _\__/.-'    /___(   |    |
>      _/  __________/     \  |    |
>     //  /  (              ) |    |
>    ( \__|___\    \______ /__|____|
>     \    (___\   |______)_/
>      \   |\   \  \     /
>       \  | \__ )  )___/
>        \  \  )/  /__(
>    ___ |  /_//___|   \_________
>      _/  ( / OUuuu    \
>     `----'(____________)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant submitted the first part of the puzzle. Here's the rest.
}
}                        | d|
}                        | r|
}                        | a|
}                        | i|
}                      --+ n+--
}                     | Septic |
}                     |  Tank  |
}          //==========        |
}          ||         +////////+
}          ||
}          ||
}        auxilliary
}          ||
}          ||
}           o
}           o
}
}           o <drip>
}
}  _________________________ Lake with small critters and larger critters.
} _  .   _    .          .  \
}  _    .   _     _  .      X .
}   _______________________/ \X Fisherman catching larger critters.
}
} Later......
}            _____
}           /      \
}          (____/\  )
}           |___  U?(____
}          _\L.   |      \     ___
}         / /"""\ /.-'     |   |\  |
}        ( /  _/u     |    \___|_)_|
}         \|  \\      /   / \_(___ __)
}          |   \\    /   /  |  |    |
}          |    )  _/   /   )  |    |
}          _\__/.-'    /___(   |    |
}       _/  __________/     \  |    |
}      //  /  (              ) |    |
}     ( \__|___\    \______ /__|____|
}      \    (___\   |______)_/
}       \   |\   \  \     /
}        \  | \__ )  )___/
}         \  \  )/  /__(
}     ___ |  /_//___|   \_________
}       _/  ( / OUuuu    \
}     `----'(____________)
}
} Those fishermen that realize that they're a part of a self sufficient
} and closed system usually quit their hobbies. They don't understand
} why they are being shunned by the rest of society, although they
} usually think it's because of the smell of fish. The rest of us,
} however, know better.
}
} You owe the oracle a fishing rod and a large can of deodorant.


864-06    (fAFkb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who obviously knows how many holes there are in Blackburn
> Lancashire.
>
> How many holes does it take to fill the Albert Hall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd day about a million and a half. But then there's the question of
} what to do with all the donuts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of coffee.


864-07    (doywk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Perot's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egad, the answer to this could take BOOKS.  Let me see if I can
} abbreviate it for you.
}
} One Perot is needed for each task listed, unless otherwise specified:
} * To analyze the old lightbulb from its manufacture to the point at
}   which it burned out.
} * To analyze the original cost for the lightbulb.
} * To analyze the cost of a NEW lightbulb.
} * To analyze the difference in life expectancies of the new lightbulb
}   against the old lightbulb.
} * (3) to analyze the feasibility of using a NEW lightbulb.
} * (3) to analyze the feasibility of repairing the OLD lightbulb.
} * (3) to analyze the feasibility of switching the socket to something
}   more energy-efficient.
} * (3) to analyze the feasibility of leaving the OLD socket the way it
}   is.
} * To file the lawsuit against the old bulb, saying that he was not
}   involved in the decision-making process of whether it could burn out
}   or not.
} * To demand that the lawsuit be speedily pushed through the court
}   system.
} * To file the appeal when he loses the first lawsuit.
} * To demand that the appeal be speedily pushed through the court
}   system.
} * To make the final decision as to whether, based on cost-analysis
}   studies, whether the bulb to be screwed into place (hereinafter and
}   forthwith thereto referred to as "replacement bulb") shall be the
}   "new bulb" or a repaired "old bulb."
} * To write the press release indicating the nature of the replacement
}   bulb.
} * To write the script for the 3 hour television show, paid for with his
}   own money, to discuss with the general public why it was a good
}   decision to use the bulb now designated as "replacement bulb."
}   Telephone calls will be accepted from viewers on an 800 line.
}
} Realize, however, that we haven't even BEGUN to place the replacement
} bulb into the socket.  Perot's are now needed:
} * To confirm that the replacement bulb will fit within the socket.
} * To coordinate another 3 hour television show to show the actual
}   replacement bulb being placed, live.  Once again, telephone calls
}   will be accepted from viewers on an 800 line.
} * To confirm that the replacement bulb will have a comparable number of
}   lumens as the original bulb.
} * To determine the cost of a ladder to use in the bulb replacement.
} * To determine if the cost of the ladder is cost-effective versus
}   just not replacing the bulb.  [At this point, we will assume that
}   it is indeed cost-effective.]
} * To determine the appropriate method of removing the original bulb.
} * To determine the appropriate method of inserting the replacement
}   bulb.
} * To remove the original bulb.
} * (2) to hold the ears of the Perot that is removing the bulb out of
}   the way.
} * To insert the replacement bulb.
} * (2) to hold the ears of the Perot that is inserting the bulb out of
}   the way.
} * To hold a press conference to explain the ins and outs of replacing
}   the bulb.
}
} Finally, Perot's are needed:
} * To put the ladder away.
} * To dispose of the original bulb, if appropriate, in a cost-effective
}   manner.
} * To perform a final cost analysis of the entire venture.
} * To determine where costs could be cut in the next bulb replacement.
} * To determine if so many Perot's are needed in the future.
} * To write the final press release explaining the entire procedure --
}   in summary, of course.
} * To produce the final 3 hour show which does the same thing as the
}   summary press release.  Once again, calls from the general public are
}   accepted on an 800 line.
} * To explain why the American people benefitted from him spending his
}   own money for the whole procedure.
} * To say "Goodnight America."
}
} If I count correctly, that's 46.  Oh, one more to determine the
} appropriate salaries for each Perot, including himself.  That's 47.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1,378 page report explaining all the aspects of
} replacing a bulb as listed above, with a table of contents, glossary,
} index, bibliography (text must include footnotes or endnotes), and
} hardbound so that it may stand the test of time.


864-08    (Hzs98 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I send an http:// <   > from my machine to the target machine,
> what information about my machine is or can be saved to file by
> the target machine? Such as URL, time, date, requested material,
> etc. What information about the requesting machine is normally
> catalogued by most Web servers?
>
> Thankyou Oh Wise One For Answering This Miserable Dog's Irrelevant
> and Impudendent Questions!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...about a cord an hour.


864-09    (9lBEg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise and Powerful Oracle, please tell me,
>
> Which is the most entertaining to watch?
>
> 1.  Pinky and the Brain's attempts at world domination
>
> 2.  Dogbert's attempts at world domination
>
> 3.  Sadam Hussein's attempts at world domination

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps the most entertaining thing to watch is Saddam Hussein watching
} "Pinky and the Brain" and taking notes.


864-10    (6kwwx dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's another word for thesaurus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, actually, it isn't.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org