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Internet Oracularities #865

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865, 865-01, 865-02, 865-03, 865-04, 865-05, 865-06, 865-07, 865-08, 865-09, 865-10


Internet Oracularities #865    (132 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 Oct 1996 12:45:44 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   865
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

865  132 votes 5sQzc 7APv7 tCAib 6rWz6 giDDk fsSq9 6mPAh 7mJCk fluBt bvuCm
865   3.1 mean  3.2   3.0   2.6   3.1   3.2   2.9   3.3   3.3   3.3   3.2


865-01    (5sQzc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, honourable oracle, thy wisdom about the horrible future of MS
> mail and all its unlucky users.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Horrible future? No, you have it=20
} all wrong. MS Mail will lead all=20
} of us into a bright, new future,=20
} in which we will no longer worry=20
} about incompatibilities with the=20
} outdated Internet e-mail system.=20
} Every application program we use=20
} will work with MS Word, MS Chart=20
} MS Office, and especially the MS=20
} Flight Simulator. Yes! No longer=20
} will you have those incompatible=20
} programs. We will replace all of=20
} them with the one true system of=20
} Microsoft. Where will we let you=20
} go today?
}
} You owe the Oracle two hours and=20
} thirty-eight minutes on hold for=20
} technical support.


865-02    (7APv7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, my thoughts are scattered and without order, and only
> your great mind can put my pitiful one at rest.
>
> Why is it that a nude woman carved from stone is considered art, but a
> nude woman molded from Spam or Jell-O is considered tacky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Edible art itself is not usually considered tacky, but the art shows
} at which such works are typically viewed are.  These events often end
} up in a feeding frenzy, especially shows highlighting Spam sculpture
} in England. However, some of the world's greatest sculptures were
} originally produced in edible form.
}
} For example, the famous Venus de Milo statue, contrary to popular
} belief, has always been missing its arms.  It was made to resemble
} a poi statue sent to Italy by the ruling sovereign of Hawaii,
} King Kamanawannalaya.  During the first showing of the sculpture,
} servants cut off both arms to serve to the guests.  Fortunately, poi
} was not really the hit of the party King Kamanawannalaya had thought
} it would be (it was, after all, dried to a pretty hard consistency),
} and Michaelangelo was able to model his famous Venus after it.
} Not being able to remember how the Goddess' arms were situated,
} the master simply omitted them.
}
} On a more personal level, I find Jell-O sculpture to be the most
} enjoyable, although the artist is restricted insofar as the actual
} height of the work cannot be too great, or the whole thing will simply
} collapse upon itself; this medium is best suited to shapes of slugs,
} armadillos, and the supine feminine form.  Peanut butter is similarly
} limited unless it is sufficiently crunchy.  Spam is very versatile
} as far as the actual scope of the work is concerned:  it is easily
} shaped, holds its form well, and can easily be made into statues as
} high as two meters.  Its only drawback is that it tends to fill the
} gallery with the stench of rotting meat, but for the truly dedicated
} art consumer, this is not a great impediment.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Rodin's Caryatid, made from semisweet
} chocolate.


865-03    (tCAib dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Omnipotent Oracle, please help me with this profetic Poser.
>
> I wish Bill Gates had kept his Micro soft. Is there anything I
> can do about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  You can send him an e-mail and tell him to put a warm sponge on
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soft ware.


865-04    (6rWz6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Compared to your vast intellect, I am but a flatworm struggling with
> the hassle of cell mitosis.
>
> I humbly request an answer to this question:
>
> How can there be self-help "groups"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Self-help groups are set up by therapists, who get a bunch of people
} together.  These people then do whatever the therapist asks them to do,
} then they all go home.
}
} For this, the therapist charges them money.  This is call "helping
} yourself", or more specifically, "helping yourself to other peoples
} money".  That is where the term "self-help" comes from.
}
} Some self-help groups are formed without a therapist, they are just a
} bunch of people who get together.  As you can see from the above, these
} groups are no help to anyone.
}
} You owe the Oracle a group-hug.  By yourself.


865-05    (giDDk dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose toejam I am unworthy of naming a Seattle band
> after, please spare one lick of knowledge from your Tootsie Roll Pop
> of sagacity:
>
> Why does... um... well, actually, I just wanted to grovel. I really
> don't have a question. Sorry.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem. Actually, it's refreshing to see supplicants try to
} make up for the AOHell twinks who don't know a grovel from a hole in
} the ground.
}
} You owe the Oracle.... aw, hell, you don't know me anything. The grovel
} was refreshing enough.


865-06    (fsSq9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Abarimakoo Oracle, Your Wisdom is great and Your Power is infinite.
> What effect will the eclipse have on our psychology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      The eclipse will cause people to blame all manner of strange
}      goings on on the moon, something they would not normally do.
}      Other people will think that "the time has come."  Millions will
}      run out into their yards and look up at the sky.  Many of them
}      will feel a vague discomfort.  Most will say, "Neat," and go back
}      to watching TV.


865-07    (6mPAh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most all-knowing Oracle,
>
> Please help me with my poser...
>
> Why is it that that whenever I get a chance to go up and meet (other
> than just talking on the phone) the Woman of my dreams, someone always
> pisses on my chance.
>
> Or, someone has to go to the hospital.
>
> I just can't figure this one out...
>
> Please help...
>
> Your humble, groveling supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear me oh my, it seems the Fates have been rather mischievous
} lately. They get that way sometimes, you know... we immortals get
} bored quite easily.  I'll have a talk with them tomorrow morning.
}
} But anyhow, omnipotent as I am, I know what fate really has in store
} for you.  So next time you see her, go ahead and ask her out.  If the
} Fates try to interfere again, just scream at the top of your lungs,
} AWAY FOUL DEMONS!  TORTURE ME NO MORE!  Then everything will work
} out just fine... trust me!
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of the big moment when you finally
} ask her out..
}
} I could win lots of money on America's Funniest... oh!  Is this thing
} still on?


865-08    (7mJCk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> the nitrogen cycle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Justifiably obscure, "The Nitrogen Cycle" is one of Richard Strauss'
} early works, thought by some critics to be a drug-induced precursor to
} "The Ring Cycle".
}
} In three operas lasting a total of 63 hours, "The Nitrogen Cycle"
} traces the adventures of a hardy band of soil bacteria in their epic
} struggle to increase crop yields.  The saga culminates in the
} Gotterdamisbust, when spring floods cover the once-fertile fields and
} wipe out the entire cast.
}
} You owe the Oracle an armored woman named Frideswintha.


865-09    (fluBt dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle so wise, who has less zits than Jared:
>
> Why is the sky green and the grass blue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your TV set is upside-down.


865-10    (bvuCm dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I simply don't understand how the stock market
> works.  Can you give me a really basic explanation, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The stock market is where people who identified with Scrooge McDuck
} go every day to try and make enough money so that they, too, can dive
} into a pile of gold coins.
}
} Here's how it works:
}
} Somebody starts a company. They make something. They get sued
} because somebody tried to fit their something into their ear canal
} and lost all hearing in that ear. The lose the suit, go bankrupt, and
} some big company buys the plant and continues making the something,
} this time with union labor. The union goes on strike, shuts down the
} company, and the management agrees to give the workers a ridiculous
} amount of money and Arbor Day as a paid holiday if they'll start
} making the something again. The something is then really expensive,
} so it starts being made better in China by people who failed to
} report their thoughts on a regular basis and are in prison camp.
} The something beomes the subject of trade negotiations, but no tariff
} is imposed because we wouldn't want to get in a trade war with China
} and lose our main source of shoddy goods made by prisoners. The big,
} unionized company then puts the words "Internet-ready" and "Windows
} 95 Compatible" on the something, sells a bunch, and "goes public,"
} which is Wall Street-ese for "makes pension funds buy the company so
} they can be cutting-edge and technology-centered."
}
} That is, if Bill Gates doesn't buy it first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Barbarians at the Gate."


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