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Internet Oracularities #866

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866, 866-01, 866-02, 866-03, 866-04, 866-05, 866-06, 866-07, 866-08, 866-09, 866-10


Internet Oracularities #866    (132 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 1996 17:20:52 -0500 (EST)

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866  132 votes nuvxf 4qDIj ezRm8 htEpl 6oADr 4l*y9 AxFg6 47mJS 8zKy9 2oHyt
866   3.2 mean  2.9   3.4   2.8   3.0   3.4   3.2   2.4   4.0   3.0   3.5


866-01    (nuvxf dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle who uses a macintosh, please tell me:
> Do you believe in the Stratfordian view of William Shakespeare or the
> Oxfordian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the Cliffnotean view is my favorite


866-02    (4qDIj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh supremest Oracle whose supremacity cannot possibly be
> suprimized --
>
> My horoscope says 'Whatever you do  will be insignificant,
> but it is very important that you do it'.
> Now, what insignificant deed should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you recall the old story about the man walking in the woods who
} tripped on a tree root?  The tree shook, dislodging an acorn, which
} fell to the ground and was carried off by a squirrel.  When the
} squirrel sat down to eat the acorn, it startled a butterfly which flew
} up into the air.  The tiny gust of air caused by the butterfly's wings
} interacted minutely with a passing low pressure front, turning what
} would have been a minor squall into a violent thunderstorm.  The
} lightning from this thunderstorm struck a kite being flown by an
} elderly gentleman who was experimenting with electricity, thus touching
} off the entire sequence of events that eventually resulted in the
} creation of Microsoft.
}
} The Oracle does, of course, know about the insignificant deed that your
} horoscope mentions, but in the interests of averting a similar
} historical disaster, has no intention of telling you what it is.  I
} will give you a hint though:  stay away from cars, bananas, and strange
} dogs.
}
} You owe the Oracle some silk thread and a key...


866-03    (ezRm8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid
> someone will clean them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  They are afraid of that, dear supplicant, but that is not the only
} reason. They lock gas station bathrooms because, as stated in Oracle's
} Law #345.6, the last person to use the bathroom before you ALWAYS has
} had Mexican for lunch. Because of this, they lock the doors to all
} bathrooms to stop them being called on by the Environmental Protection
} Agency.
}
}  You owe the Oracle some industrial strength air-freshener.


866-04    (htEpl dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, one of your faithful servants and admirers, one who
> cannot but be baffled by the marvelous complexity of the tread on the
> soles of your worn-out tennis shoes, asks:
>
> Why don't they impose capital punishment for attempted suicides?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They tried doing that, but found it wasn't a deterrant.


866-05    (6oADr dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, great mahatma, why was I born?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clerical error.  They promise to fix it next week.
}
} You owe the Oracle the meaning of life.


866-06    (4l*y9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Omnipotent Oracle, Mailman of all mailmen, tell me : if a person's
> mailbox should be given shape according to his / her profession /
> activities / personality / looks ...how would the mailboxes from
> Yourself, your humble servants,the Pope, Bill Gates, Dolly Parton and
> Pamela Anderson  look like ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is refreshing in these times of trivia to be asked the Big
} Questions.
}
} The Pope's mail box would a work of splendour, adorned by the work of
} past, great artists and with huge ammounts of gilt trim.  However the
} letters would fall into a plain, simple wooden box.
}
} Bill Gate's mail box would be too elborate to work untill the second
} release, when mail box material has finally become strong enough to
} construct such a ridiculous design from.
}
} Dolly Parton's mail box would have plenty of room inside despite of
} its restricted height.
}
} Pamela Anderson's mail box would be all gloss and fascade.  It would
} also be prone to turn to glass if subjected to an intense heat.
}
} As all these mail boxes are for physical mail the Oracle simply
} would not have one.


866-07    (AxFg6 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tagchen Orakelchen, Du altes schleimfressendes Monster aus dem
> All.
>
> Sag mir doch, wieviel Kalorien hat eigentlich eine Tonne
> intergalaktischer Schleim, wenn er den Ernaehrungsrichtlinien der UN
> und IGN entspricht!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Guten Abend (what's German for supplicant?). Deine Frage ist sehr
} intressant! Aber ich kann mein Woerterbuch nicht finden. Mein Deutsch
} is nicht so gut, aber Schokolade schmeckt besser und Schleim ist sehr
} schlecht. Ein Problem, Schokolade hat zu viele Kalorien, und Schleim
} ist zu schlecht. Aber ein Glas Mineralwasser schmeckt sehr gut.
}
} Du schuldest dem Oracle ein neues Woerterbuch.
}
} (Hmmmmm, maybe if I hope haed enough, noone will notice I skipped the
} German lessons at Oracle school)
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------
} So, wenn du dies verstanden hast dann ist das mehr als ich von mir
} behaupten kann. Ich habe mir die Freiheit genommen das Mail (der, die
} das mail?) meines Freundes etwas zu verbessern.  :)
}                       -comment by the current Oracle's translator


866-08    (47mJS dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok, if you really want to know...
}
} Darth Vader is Luke's father.  The woman in the "Crying Game" is
} really a man.  Ole Yeller dies.  In "Murder on the Orient Express"
} they all did it.  Captain Kirk isn't really dead, he's in the
} Nexus; but then he dies for real later.  On July 4th, we killed all
} the aliens by giving them a computer virus which took down their
} shields.  Verbal is Kaiser Solteh.  The North wins.  The Nazi's lose.
} Tom Cruise screws over the firm and gets away.  Jeff Bridges did
} kill his wife in "Jagged Edge".  Galron is a shapeshifter imposter.
} Fortran really is dead.  Harrison Ford always, always saves the day.
} In "Crimson Tide", Denzel Washington is right.  Jim Phelps is the
} one who betrays the Impossible Mission team.  All of the "Reservoir
} Dogs" die.  Robert Redford hits a game-winning homer at the end of
} "The Natural".  James Bond gets the girl.  Lestat isn't really dead.
} Leia is Luke's sister.  Henry V wins, but barely.  Cousin Vinny gets
} the "two yutes" off, but only after Marisa Tomei's expert testimony.
} Richard Gear end up with the slut in "Pretty Woman".  Spock dies,
} then comes back to life on a planet where Kirk's son gets killed,
} and proceeds to help save the whales and earth by travelling back and
} forth in time in a Klingon ship, but doesn't get demoted for stealing
} the Enterprise because he wasn't there, he was dead.  ET goes home.
} In "Blade Runner" Rachael is a replicant -- some think that Deckard
} may be too.  Mel Gibson dies at the end of "Braveheart", but the
} future queen is pregnant with his kid.  Sean Penn did do it in "Dead
} Man Walking".  The Wizard of Oz is really a short, fat, bald man.
} Nicolas Cage dies at the end of "Leaving Las Vegas".  In "Field of
} Dreams" "He" is Costner's father.  Mr. Holland's former students play
} his opus in the end -- the redhead becomes governor.  The Apollo 13
} crew makes it back safely.  Barnabus is a vampire.  Al Pacino shoots
} and kills Robert DeNiro.  In "Speed" there is a videocamera on the
} bus and a hole under the trash can.  OJ did it.  Harry marries Sally.
} To get to the other side.  The prisoner is Pip's benefactor.  Romeo and
} Juliet kill themselves.  Either a newspaper or a half-eaten zebra.
} Sue Ellen's sister shot J.R.  Maggie shot Mr. Burns (not on purpose).
} Bobby's death was just a dream (Pam's).  The HAL9000 computer goes
} homicidal, but it isn't his fault.  (Incidentally, the letters
} followng HAL are IBM.)  There is always someone in the back seat.
} Jack gets old and dies.  In "Terms of Endearment" Debra Winger gets
} cancer and dies.  Bill Clinton wears briefs.  Rosebud is the sled.
}
} Finally, because Lisa and I had a fight and I'm in a bad mood, and
} you really did ask.
}
} You owe the oracle a lifetime of free video rentals and a videocassette
} rewinder.


866-09    (8zKy9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why oh why should my time here,
> be plagued with most incessant fear,
> and why should cabbages stomp around,
> and not, as such, let me sleep sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once again the mighty Oracle has the answer:
}
} Those who sleep in lettuce green,
} among tomatoes and carrots keen,
} may need a therapist or a tutor
} to top the phobia of a salad shooter.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Caesar salad.


866-10    (2oHyt dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Preverted Oracle, you are so talented you can stand on your own two
> feet with your nose tied behind your back, just to make it fair.  I
> grovel to you by putting my nose into the air and sniffing the odor of
> your marmot farm, which makes me keel over into a repulsive lump unto
> your feet.
>
> There are five hours before the exam.  I have to do all the following:
>
>  - Fix the barn.
>  - Feed all the animals.
>  - Hunt for a job.
>  - Write questions to the Oracle.
>  - Eat lunch.
>  - Clean the house.
>  - Start studying for the exam.
>
> How should I arrange my day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} STEP 1
} Fix the animals - this will redusce the ammount of time spent feeding
} them in seasons to come.
}
} STEP 2
} Start studying for lunch -  I cannnot over emphasise the importance of
} a good dietry plan.  See step 3Eat the barn - could be time consuming
} but the extra roughage should provide you with a regularity the envy of
} better organised people.
}
} STEP 3
} Eat the barn - could be time consuming but the extra roughage should
} provide you with a regularity the envy of better organised people.
} Hunt for your exam - Use a large calibre, nuff said.
}
} STEP 4
} Clean the Oracle - Just between the shoulderbades.... down a bit...
} left a bit... use your nails....
} Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
}
} STEP 5
} Feed the house - This is best done from range... use fruit and any left
} over bits from step 1.  Don't worry about what the neighbours think,
} just tell them you got a message on your computer that said it was
} okay.
}
} STEP 6
} Write questions for a job - Answers are a no growrth industry at the
} moment, take my word for it.  Everybody is so bloody post-modern these
} days (Don't get me started.)
}
} STEP 7
} Hunt for your exam - Use a large calibre, nuff said.
}
} You owe the Oracle... down a bit, right a bit... yes... that.


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