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Internet Oracularities #867

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867, 867-01, 867-02, 867-03, 867-04, 867-05, 867-06, 867-07, 867-08, 867-09, 867-10


Internet Oracularities #867    (144 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 30 Oct 1996 22:48:30 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   867
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

867  144 votes 3gwWz 5ryLv auFwv 5jSDr dBOwc 7qMJi 8NYm5 byUy9 gD*j8 dACyn
867   3.2 mean  3.7   3.5   3.3   3.4   3.0   3.3   2.8   3.0   2.8   3.1


867-01    (3gwWz dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Impotent Oracle, please help me.
>
> My wife gave me a "Word-a-day" calander for Chrismas last
> year, but I lost it real fast.  Now its Octobor and she wants
> to quiz me.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your predilection (tendency) for procrastination (putting things off)
} has promulgated (made known) a predicament (crisis).
}
} Prolixity (use of lots of words) is not your forte (area of expertise)
} so I propound (suggest) that you inculpate (blame) glossal (lingual or
} of the tongue)  juvenescence (transition from infancy to youth).
} Temporize (stall).
}
} Betimes (soon), you will articulate (speak) sesquipedalian (cumbersome
} or pedantic, of words - literally 'one and a half feet long')
} asseverances (solemn declarations) without braggadocio (empty boasting)
} if that isn't an antilogy (contradiction in terms).
}
} Brachyology (conciseness of speech) will be superannuated (discarded
} as too old).
}
} After she's sat through that little speech, she'll try and forget she
} ever brought the subject up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new thesaurus. All the pages just fell out of
} mine.


867-02    (5ryLv dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most chocholified of the wise,
>
> Oompah Loompah Loompaty Dooo, I've got another riddle for you,
> Oompah Loompah Loompaty Deee, Why are we short and not eating
> ice cream?
>
> --W. Wonka Employees rep.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoompa Groompa Fintaplee Spools, It's all in the Union Rules,
} Hoompa Groompa Biddle-dee Hew, See Chapter 7, Paragraph 2.
}
} Sinka Pinka Folderol Snakes, Regarding times for Employee Breaks.
} Sinka Pinka Balderdash Snore, Ice Cream breaks from 3 to 4,
}
} Hoodle Poodle Hollywood Greys, And noon to 1 on alternate days,
} Hoodle Poodle Tuxedo Gent, Or as specified by manage-ment.
}
} Finkle Sinkle Barbazon Vet, And here is your Oracular debt,
} Finkle Sinkle Suleimon Loins, $100,000 in chocolate coins.


867-03    (auFwv dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: <perkunas@juno.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, who has no uncertainty, answer me this:
>
> Where is it *now* and how fast is it going?
>
> Haar, got you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (x,y,z) and |v|.
}
} You owe the Oracle a neutron at rest.


867-04    (5jSDr dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose laundry I would feel blessed to be allowed
> to iron, please share with me a tiny bit of your vast knowledge.
>
> Why is it that whenever my husband is away and there is no one
> in the house but me to answer the phone that it always rings *just*
> as I sit down on the toilet?  (And on top of that, it's usually
> my mother calling!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because your mother is trying to warn you that your husband left the
} seat up.
}
} You owe the oracle a Bathroom Reader collection.


867-05    (dBOwc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh eternal fountain of wisdom,
>
> What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the
> afternoon and three legs in the evening?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are two possible answers:
}
} 1. A human being. The time of day is an analogy for the time of life
} and represents crawling, walking, and walking with a cane. This is an
} age-old riddle that has remained timeless for thousands of years.
}
} 2. That fuzzy thing that's crawling up your neck.


867-06    (7qMJi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@EMAIL.UNC.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient being of Oracular might,
>
> Why do birds suddenly appear-
> every time you are near?
>
> And whose going to pay to clean all this bird waste
> off my car?  Huh?  That's what I'd really like to
> know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds are complex quantum waveforms, that collapse into physical
} entities when observed.  Since the tunnelling probability decreases
} rapidly with distance, they usually appear very close to the observer.
}
} Bird waste is actually anti-bird, that forms simultaneously with the
} normal-bird, and the two part ways and lead separate existences
} afterward.  It obeys many of the same laws as birds, most importantly
} the property of appearing wherever you look.  The only known way to
} defeat this is to avoid noticing the waste, which is why people who
} don't care about their cars usually don't have any on theirs, but
} people who do care about their cars have almost completely
} waste-covered vehicles.
}
} As to who pays to clean it up, you really already know the answer to
} that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of cyanide-coated birdseed.


867-07    (8NYm5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great and knowledgeable one that knows when I misspell
> words and screw up my life...
>
> If Disney pictures decided to remake a movie about The Three Stooges
> who would play the parts and why?  Also, who would play the part of
> the butler in the one where the stooges rewire and rework all of the
> pipes in that house (i.e. "This house has sho gone crazy!..")  I am
> sure that you know which one that I am talking about...
>
> Thanks!
>
> Me as "The Supplicant"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, Disney are having an audition for the parts of The Three
} Stooges right now and you'd be a shoe-in for a part if you were there
} but, where are you? In front of the computer screen once again. You
} sure know how to mess up your life you know.
}
} Of course, the parts will go to Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, and Bimble
} Donnington. Robin Williams will be chosen based on his looking far more
} convincing in a dress than Dustin Hoffman, Tom Hanks because he always
} appears in every movie, and Bimble Donnington because the producers
} always have to choose one unknown to demonstrate that they're prepared
} to give parts based on talent, not markability. Of course, Bimble
} Donnington has no talent, because RW and TH specified in their contract
} that no-one capable of showing them up can be signed. The part of the
} English butler will go to Hugh Grant because he's the first English
} actor that anyone thinks of, and half the population of the world will
} turn up to any old rubbish movie with HG playing a butler alongside
} Divine Brown as the maid. Signing Liz Hurley as a washerwomen did run
} into some small problems however.
}
} I've got the script in front of me and may I assure you that it's a
} rip-roaring (yawn) hilarious romp through ...... Zzzzzzz......


867-08    (byUy9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, your highness, when will there be a DOS 95?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.
}
} Take a pencil.
}
} Write down 'DOS 95' on a piece of paper.  Don't write it too neatly, or
} this next bit won't work.
}
} Turn the piece of paper upside down.  Squint at it.
}      Sb SOa
}
} Now hold turn the piece of paper face down, and hold it up to the
}      light: ZP ZOa
}
} Now turn the piece of paper upside down as well:
}      DOZ dZ
}
} Repeat this procedure at least 300,000 more times.
}
} None the wiser?
}
} Good.  Not only are you now ready for DOS 95, but you also don't have
} anywhere near as long to wait for it.
}
} No, that's quite all right.  There's no need to thank me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of EDLIN for the Sun Ultrasparc.


867-09    (gD*j8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do teahcers have lives outside of school????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Strange as it may seem, O supplicant, many teacher lead rich and
} varied lives outside the classroom.  Some have hobbies, families,
} sex...just like regular people.  There are also some who continue
} teaching.  Of these, a few have made careers in teaching supplicants
} how to grovel before the Oracle and how to spell the word 'teacher'
}
} You owe the Oracle a chocolate-covered spelling bee


867-10    (dACyn dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, whose iced tea smells better than pigs hanging from
> a Chinese restaurant, please inform this poor supplicant:
>
> Know any good restaurants that serve roast chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, no.  Pets are strictly forbidden at almost all restaurants, with
} exceptions for assistance animals like seeing eye dogs.  If your roast
} chicken is some kind of specially trained animal, you might be able to
} get it in the restaurant and hopefully they'd bring you a bowl of water
} to keep your chicken happy.  But beyond that, I know of no restaurant
} which serves roast chicken.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of apple-walnut stuffing.


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