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Internet Oracularities #868

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Internet Oracularities #868    (143 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 1996 18:21:11 -0500 (EST)

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   868
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

868  143 votes bnBLp 9qMGi i*Kb5 7iASs 7nIHq crNAj hwUv7 7FJAe mOMg7 guIps
868   3.1 mean  3.4   3.2   2.5   3.5   3.4   3.2   2.9   3.1   2.6   3.1


868-01    (bnBLp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's my party. Can I cry if I want to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but try to do it off-camera, or it'll be quite demoralizing
} for the rest of the Republicans.


868-02    (9qMGi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grand and illustrious Oracle, who is unfazed when told by TeX that
> "Interwoven alignment preambles are not allowed", undaunted when Linux
> says "lpt1 on fire", and unafraid even when informed by Nethack
> "Suddenly, the dungeon collapses"...
>
>   Why do computer error messages seem only to taunt me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Error 34:- User aware of our taunts
} SYSTEM HALTED


868-03    (i*Kb5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great masterful oracle, please humble me by answering this simple
> question.
>
>       "When whistling in the water, and waving at Willie William, would
>       watching Willie William Whistle while Willie watches the white
>       waves role, sway Sally who sells seashells by the seashore?"
>
> I will agree to give you, oh masterful oracle, the rear of my neighbors
> cow, as a sincere gift of my unending appreciation.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whistling in the water while waving to Willie William,
} is not considered kind as you just may surprise and kill him.
} For everybody knows that Willie's heart's no longer young,
} he's also Sally's step-dad, and she will lash you with her tounge.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Scuba Mask.


868-04    (7iASs dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, most divine -
> I really do not wish to whine,
> but I need an answer to this line:
>
> Einstein said that things traveling at the speed of light have
> infinite mass.  I know that LIGHT travels at the speed of light.
> Hence, light must have infinite mass.
>
> *** So, why aren't ordinary flashlights powerful machines of death
> and destruction, capable of crushing entire planets with the flick of
> a switch??  ***
>
> Please help me with this, I have some brilliant plans I need to put
> into action as soon as possible.
>
> Thanking you in advance,
> a devious and under-handed
> would-be ruler of the universe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy. You see, light should travel at the speed of light, rendering
} a simple flashlight a tool of planet smashing power, but unfortunately
} flashlights were designed by the same person who designed London buses.
}
} Hence, even though all physics textbooks list huge velocities for
} light, just as the London Transport timetable says that you can get
} from Lewisham to Oxford Street in one hour, in real life things tend to
} go a bit slower. Just as you wait for half an hour at that bus-stop
} outside the Lewisham bus depot and then the bus, once it comes, takes
} half an hour longer than timetabled, the light from London Transport
} designed flashlights pootles along at a much slower speed, slightly
} above the speed of sound.
}
} Furthermore, the original London Transport flashlight was even worse.
} Instead of photons coming out as a continuous stream as physics
} predicts, you would wait for a whole heap of time, and then a whole
} bunch of photons would all turn up at once. While flashlights have been
} improved a bit since then, these old flashlights have found good use in
} nightclubs and concerts as so-called 'strobe' lights.
}
} And of course you've probably noticed that when you wave a flashlight
} around at night, light appears to be coming out of the end, but it
} doesn't seem to illuminate things. This is because in true London
} Transport style the photons streaming out the end actually do see the
} solid reflective objects they should bounce off, but pretend they
} haven't and just fly by.
}
} And, if you do have some 'brilliant plans', then you can repay The
} Oracle by working for six months for London Transport, so that you
} may see what happens when brilliant plans meet unmotivated, lard-arsed
} drivers and conductors.


868-05    (7nIHq dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and glorious Oracle, answer me this:
>
> Does anyone still bother with this thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope. Nobody. Not a bit. It's passe. It's gauche. It's past. It's
} yesterday. Obsolete. Sleeps with the fishies. Goners. Nowhere. Nada.
} NUL. Zip. Nothing. Goose egg. Coupe de Nowhereville. Zero. The sound of
} one hand waving. The middle of the donut. wc /dev/null. The pupil of
} your eye. The undiscovered prime numbers between 90 and 96. The number
} of subatomic particles with a mass over 2kg. The lost continent of
} Atlanta. The corner of Empty and Vacuous. The standard deviation of the
} mean. Operator. The number of bug-free Microsoft products. -273.15
} degrees C. How much wood woodchucks actually chuck. /dev/zero. The
} results of the 1996 jackalope census. Gravedigger's product. sin pi.
} Jeane Dixon's extraordinary ability to predict the future. The number
} of calendars with my photo on them. The absolute value of the origin.
} The wingspan of the average tadpole.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little less than that.


868-06    (crNAj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I've heard that you're omniscient, so you know what the
> final vote tallies will be in the upcoming US elections. So, why don't
> you just tell us now to cut the suspense? We're all tired of all this
> campaigning anyway.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly, supplicant, I can answer your question.
}
} The reason I don't tell you the results now is that on the very same
} day, a certain horse race is run in Melbourne Australia. Known as the
} Melbourne Cup, (surprisingly), this race has a far more pronounced
} effect on the election results than you'd believe.
}
} Let me give a couple of examples:
}
} 1976 - A horse named "Low Loser" failed miserably to even make the
} tryouts for the cup, yet the winning Cup time was slower than that of
} the totally unremarkable "Flemington Fairy-bread Plate" run just before
} it. At the same time, Gerald Ford failed miserably in getting the
} Republican Party back into office, while Jimmy Carter, on a
} not-really-very-energetic ticket, rode in on a dream and became
} president.
}
} 1960 - "Young Thinker" romps home by miles, beating the well-favoured
} "Right as Rain". That same day in the US, the young JFK beats the
} rather-right-winged Richard Nixon.
}
} 1980 - "Arwon" - the oldest horse ever to be entered in the cup, wins
} by miles and totally swamps the younger main field. And we all know
} about Ronald Reagan...
}
} Supplicant, three of the runners this year are Senator (20-1), Oscar
} Shindler (20-1) and the Grey Shot (50-1). You have Bob Dole, Bill
} Clinton and Ross Perot.
}
} You owe the Oracle $2.50 on a boxed trifecta, and three minutes hushed
} reverend silence at 2.35pm Australian Eastern Daylight Savings Time on
} 5th November 1996.


868-07    (hwUv7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I was spammed last month.  Someone
> submitted my ID to about a hundred mailing lists.  I
> inspected the headers of some of them but could not spot
> any userid, other than my own.  Isn't there a way I could
> track down the perpetrator when this occurs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One Spam, Two Spam, Red Spam, Blue Spam,
} They've Hormelized your name.
} Seventeen tons of Green and Orange Spam,
} Isn't it such a shame?
}
} For unto Spam there is no cure,
} There is no other way,
} To be 100% sure
} Their life will end one day.
}
} A Spam will guarantee they'll have
} Axes in their scull.
} To stab, to spear, to even halve
} The brain which is so dull.
}
} If the trail is cold, then have no fear,
} Put Orrie on the case.
} He'll hind the answers between near
} And deadly far to chase.
}
} The answer then that Orrie finds
} is not so much a cure.
} The objective now, is more to blind
} Your enemies with their fur.
}
} Open new a mailbox,
} and publish that you've moved.
} Then shut it down and close it out
} give addresses to only those you approve.
}
} Now supplicant I tell you true
} I'd be glad, if I were you,
} And worry not
} For with a ZOT
} I'll make the Spammer goo.


868-08    (7FJAe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Great and Malevolent Oracle, Whose Nose Hairs I am Not Worthy
> to Pluck, and Whose Breath is Minty-Fresh,
>
> This question is a test of the emergency questioning system.  It is
> only a test. If it were a real emergency, it would be a full-blown
> interrogation.
>
> Which is better: creamy peanut butter, or chunky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Interrogation?  Ha, we'll see how well your bright lights hold up
} to my staff of Zot!
}
}       Creamy or chunky, creamy or chunky.  For eons, this dillema has
} been troubling mankind.  As a matter of fact, Socrates once came to me
} back at Delphi and asked me this very question, though he terribly
} misunderstood my answer.  (You see, my mouth was full of peanut butter.
} (creamy.))
}
}       Both have advantages and disadvantages.  Here's a list of each:
}
} Chunky Peanut Butter:
}       The chunks of peanut give some texture to a sandwich otherwise
} devoid of interesting tactile stimulus.
}
} Creamy Peanut Butter:
}       When eating peanut butter straight, you don't need to chew.
}
} Chunky Peanut Butter:
}       If you get chunks of other stuff in your sandwich, it's less
} disgusting, since you don't notice them - just one more peanut chunk!
}
} Creamy Peanut butter:
}       If you get chunks of other stuff in your sandwich, you can tell,
} so you can stop eating the thing.
}
} Chunky Peanut Butter:
}       The chunks add to the structural integrity of the peanut butter
} as a form of mortar.
}
} Creamy Peanut Butter:
}       Using creamy peanut butter as mortar, you can fit masonry
} together tighter.
}
}       So, that just about sums it up.  It depends on what exactly you
} are using the peanut butter for.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of the use of both chunky and creamy
} peanut butter as a marital aid.


868-09    (mOMg7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr Oracle:
>
>       Who wrote Opus 51 No. 1?
>
>       What musical instruments is it best played on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Opus v51.1 was never released.  Once Wynn Wagner turned over Opus
} development to George Stanislav, development virtually ceased except
} for small incremental updates.  The latest version is currently 1.70.
}
} As to the instruments, it was originally orchestrated for a DEC
} Rainbow, but lately the instrument of choice has been an IBM PC.
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent FTSC-compatible mailer.


868-10    (guIps dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this button do??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Holds your butt on. Don't unscrew it...


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