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Internet Oracularities #869

Goto:
869, 869-01, 869-02, 869-03, 869-04, 869-05, 869-06, 869-07, 869-08, 869-09, 869-10


Internet Oracularities #869    (117 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 12:18:25 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   869
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

869  117 votes coIv6 7rGy7 6itAs Dqpi9 bCIk4 bwHjc 6eJzh 7tNo8 ljrvj 7dmDA
869   3.1 mean  3.0   3.1   3.5   2.4   2.7   2.9   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.7


869-01    (coIv6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Noooooooo ... really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, that's more or less right.  Although most Scotchmen don't actually
} make the word *quite* so long.
}
} 'Noo' or 'Nooo' is usually sufficient.  Lets try a few simple phrases:
}
} 'Hoots mon!' (Trans: 'Bless you!')
}
} 'Och aye the noo!' (Trans: 'Oops, nearly forgot to buy a newspaper.')
}
} 'It's a raw bricht moonlicht nicht!' (Trans: 'These scrambled eggs are
} undercooked!')
}
} With a little more practice you should soon be as fluent as any native.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the English-Gjuxkir Gjuxkir-English
} dictionary.


869-02    (7rGy7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great and lofty oracle, heed my cry.
> I ask you: How may I access IRC from the Microsoft Network, which
> I despise and loathe, but it is the only way...
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> xxxxx.xxxxx@xxxxx.xxxx.xxx [edited by Priest]
> "Humanity i love you because when you're hard up you pawn your
> intelligence to buy a drink" -e.e. cummings, Humanity i love you
> Quid est tam incertam quam telorum? -Cicero, de divinatione II, 121
> (What is more uncertain that a cast of the dice?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Cicero! What a great old bird he was! "Salus populi suprema est
} lex," yes indeedy! "Mens cuiusque is est quisque." "Fac me cocleario
} vomere." (He was sloshed at the time he came out with that one. I
} know - I was there)
}
} But I don't think he was really stretching his imagination when he
} asked what was more uncertain than the cast of the dice. Let's face it
} - oodles of things are! The fall of the sparrow. The mind of a woman.
} The British Rail timetable. The next innovation to rock the Net. How
} my hollandaise sauce will turn out. How many more husbands Liz Taylor
} will get through before she finally pegs it. Where the next major
} ethnic conflict will flare up. Which butterfly will have the honor
} of starting the next hurricane to devastate to Carolina coast. That
} sure-fire tip for the 3:30 at Haymarket. Jim Carrey's acting talents.
} The Italian lira. Whether the campus network will get through the day
} tomorrow without breaking down once. Consistency of sexual performance
} after reaching the age of 1500 (Lisa asked me to put that one in).
} Internet-related stocks. The effect of contingency upon evolution.
} What the Schroedinger's cat is up to inside the box. The soundness of
} your bowels after that third mutton vindaloo...
}
} What do you mean, that wasn't your question? Oh, I see - your question
} is higher up. Well, for goodness sake, I wish you'd put your question
} mark in the right place!
}
} e. e. cummings didn't use capitals because the caps key had broken off
} his p.c. So now you know.
}
} You owe the Oracle your MSN account.


869-03    (6itAs dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So , wise guy eh? Ok , so tell me , how come , in space , if there is
> absolutely nothing in space - i.e a vacuum, then how come it takes so
> blinking long for space ships to get to the moon, or mars or some such
> place ? If they're travelling through nothing, then why can't they get
> to where they want to in a split second, because if nothing is nothing
> yeah....then there's nothing for them to fly through, so therefore they
> should be at their destination instantaneously, but obviously they
> aren't. So what is it they are flying through for ages? Why can't
> spaceships travel at the speed of light, as there isn't any friction or
> anything to prevent them from travelling that fast is there ? I mean ,
> as friction and gravity are the only things that acts against them in
> an air filled atmosphere - in a vacuum, there is neither - therefore no
> opposing forces - so why can't they huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same reason it takes you 160 words to ask a ten word question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better twit filter.


869-04    (Dqpi9 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Grandiose and Tumescent of Oracles,
>
> I beseech of you, bestow upon me a random tidbit of your wisdom, for I
> am in need of inspiration.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oh, Oracle, you are so BIG, so absolutely huge, gosh, we're all
} > really impressed down here I can tell you.
} >
} > Forgive me, O Oracle, for this dreadful toadying and barefaced
} > flattery.  But you are so strong and, well, just so super.
} >
} > Oh Orrie, please don't zot us,
} > Don't grill or toast your flock.
} > Don't put me on the barbecue,
} > Or summer me in stock,
} > Don't braise or bake or boil me,
} > Or stir-fry me in a wok...
} >
} > Oh, please don't lightly poach me,
} > Or baste me with hot fat,
} > Don't fricassee or roast me,
} > Or boil me in a vat,
} > And please don't stick thy supplicant
} > In a Rotissomat...
} >
} >
} > ... well, now for something completely different, where WAS the
} > fish in the middle of the film?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } I'm an omnipotent being,
} }      And have been since before I was born,
} }      And the one thing they say about us Gods,
} }      Is they'll ask you dumb questions as soon as they're formed...
} }
} } Every question is sacred,
} }      Every question is great,
} }      If a question is wasted,
} }      I get quite irate.
} }
} } Let the supplicants waste theirs,
} }      On some silly hogs of ground,
} }      I shall make them pay for,
} }      Each brain cell that can't be found.
} }
} } Every question is wanted,
} }      Every question is good,
} }      Every question is needed,
} }      In your neighbourhood.
} }
} } Then there are AOL'ers,
} }      Who try to waste my time,
} }      But I love those who give their
} }      Questions in a rhyme.
} }
} } Every question is useful,
} } Every question is fine,
} } I need everybody's!
} } So please get in the line.
} }
} } Though the AOLers ask theirs,
} }      O'er mountain, hill and plain,
} }      I shall zot them down for
} }      Each question that's asked in vain.
} }
} } Yes, every question is sacred.
} } Every question is great.
} } You asked about the fishy fish?
} } Allow me to iterate.
} }
} } My question queue is filling,
} } It's taken all it's got.
} } I shall speed up things for all of us,
} } And dish out another *ZOT*
} }
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Oracle all-knowing,
} >
} > Have come I abroad from recently, and have studied I vocabulary your
} > years many for.  Before came I here, was able I get to books any
} > language your in not, but memorized dictionary the.
} >
} > When came I here, did understand still people me not.  What am doing
} > I wrong?
} >
} >                       -- Supplicant your
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Oh, English yours fine is perfectly.  Understand you they do, you
} } ignoring are they.  Use you must curtasy common.  Add you thank and
} } please, me excuse, success more you have. (You screw and you f***
} } successful more New York in.)
} }
} } Oracle you owe of count gotten jokes Yoda supplicants other from.
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Dear Sir,
} >
} > It is a well-researched fact that some people are allergic to
} > religious cults.  They develop headaches, unsound addictions,
} > destructive behaviour patterns and other symptoms.  We are a charity
} > organization devoted to helping these people find their true selves
} > and recover from problems caused by various cults.  We act on a
} > non-religious humanitarian basis of tolerance towards all systems of
} > belief.
} >
} > It has come to our attention that some people have become severely
} > addicted to your personal cult.  It is of no concern to us whether
} > you are a real omniscient divine being or a psychopath or both; we
} > only want the best of all parties concerned.  Don't you agree that
} > people who have discarded everything else in favour of e-mail
} > conversations with you have gone too far?
} >
} > We are very eager to hear your position and opinions on the matter.
} > Ultimately we are willing to cooperate with your organization on
} > helping people who cannot keep on with your cult and drop out due to
} > social pressures or whatever.  And please keep in mind, your
} > contribution would be the best PR you could hope for...
} >
} > Sincerely,
} >
} > Plato Stoolman
} > Chairman of Board
} > Victims of Religions
} > c/o L.R.Hubbard
} > Texas
} > YEE-HAA
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Dear Mr. Stoolman,
} }    We thank you for your concern about Oracletics.  Naturally, we
} } welcome full and frank discussion of everything we do across the
} } Internet in such newsgroups as alt.religion.oracle, and our World
} } Wide Web pages provide much information.  It's not our fault if any
} } intelligent Internet persona, such as yourself, should fall prey to
} } the Great Snarfing Beast What Eats Everyone Who Doesn't Give All
} } Their Money (pre-taxes) To The Oracle.
} }
} }    I agree completely that people who have discarded everything else
} } in favour of e-mail conversations with me do need to vary their
} } schedules somewhat.  Indeed, allow me to give a sample schedule that
} } I have drawn up for our faithful priest, Zadoc:
} }
} } 02:00 Awaken.
} } 02:00 - 05:00 Answer questions for the Oracle, quietly, so as not to
} }               disturb his sleep.
} } 05:00 - 08:00 Cook four-star breakfast for the Oracle.
} } 08:00 - 09:00 Grovel before the Oracle.  Be sure to lick every toe
} }               clean.
} } 09:00 - 11:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of the
} }               Temple.
} } 11:00 - 13:00 Cook four-star lunch for the Oracle.
} } 13:00 - 15:00 Grovel before the Oracle.  This time, clean the red
} }               carpet with your tongue.  Leave no spots.
} } 15:00 - 17:00 Beg, borrow, and steal money for the upkeep of Lisa.
} } 17:00 - 19:00 Cook five-star dinner for the Oracle.
} } 19:00 - 21:00 Entertain the Oracle with more grovels.  This time, use
} }               some imagination.
} } 21:00 - 23:59 Pretend to be a telemarketer seeking donations for the
} }               Jailer Benevolance Society for the upkeep of the
} }               Oracle.
} } 23:59 - 00:00 Lead successful, interesting life.
} } 00:00 Sleep
} }
} }    As you can tell, we leave time for even our most faithful members
} } to lead successful, interesting lives.
} }
} }    Please note that, unlike other religions which request that you
} } give thanks every time before you eat or drink, Oracletics only
} } requires thanks before a much simpler activity: breathing.  Although
} } we accept cash, checks, travellers' checks, and most major credit
} } cards in thanks before every breath, we also accept gold, platinum,
} } and diamonds.
} }
} }    I hope you accept this free copy of 'The Oracle: The Modern
} } Response to Mental Health', with my compliments.
} }
} }                       - Elron Blubber
} }
} } [Imprinted very lightly on the letter -- as if written on the
} } stationery just before it -- are the words:
} }
} } Lisa --
} }    This fellow's definitely 1.1.  Use plan .44, or at least run Black
} } Method on him.  Must be an avatar of Xenu.  GET DIRT!
} }                       -- Source
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Is it true that the U.S. is sinking from the weight of all the
} > National Geographics being saved in the nation's garages and attics?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} }    The Oracle peered at the question.  "Zadoc!"  He turned around
} } and called again.  "ZADOC!"
} }
} }   Zadoc the priest shuffled in.  "Oh, yes, He Who Makes Stephen
} } Hawkins Look Like Jim Carrey, how can I help Your Omnivorousness?"
} }
} }   The Oracle peered intently at Zadoc, then handed him the question.
} } "What would you do with this?"
} }
} }    He shook in his boots.  "Oh, Worshipful Oracle.  I'm just a humble
} }
} }   "WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH THIS?"
} }
} }    --" His voice quavered.  "Well... if it pleases Your
} } Oracularity... uhmmm... there's no grovel, so... I'd... I'd... zot
} } him?"
} }
} }    The Oracle considered.  "Overused.  Next suggestion?"
} }
} }   "Uhmm... I'd... I'd... answer him, saying that the weight of the
} } magazines are offset by the loss of the weight of the trees where
} } they came from?"
} }
} }   "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!  This is a humor group, Zadoc, not one about
} } real physics!"
} }
} }    The priest imitated the San Andreas Fault.  "I... I... don't know,
} } your Bovine De-evolence... errr... I mean, Divine Benevolance...
} } errr..."
} }
} }   "Find something to make fun of in the question!"  He pointed at a
} } word in the question.  "Try finding double meanings to everything!
} } Do you not know popular culture and religion?  Begone, oh quavering
} } one."
} }
} }    As Zadoc fled the room, the Oracle picked up his fountain pen and
} } wrote:
} }
} }
} }    Whether or not Fundamentalist Christians believe that everything
} } should be going to Heaven, whether one is 'saved' only affects
} } spiritual weight, not physical weight.  A saved magazine weighs the
} } same as a backslidden magazine or one that hasn't received the Lord.
} }
} }    You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Wittenburg Door.


869-05    (bCIk4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderous Oracle, who knows every possible
> thing that could ever be known on the face
> of the (un/)known earth,
>
> Hey... Have you seen my shoes?  You know,
> the brown ones with the colored laces?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I most certainly HAVE seen your shoes.  And I have to tell you, those
} laces just do NOT go with the shoes.  Not at all...no way, nosiree.
} And another thing...DON'T wear them with the blue suit anymore.  It's
} tres tacky.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest issue of GQ


869-06    (bwHjc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>How do you start a cascade?
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Don't do it, you net.renegade!
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Drink plenty of Lime Gatorade (R)
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Get some in a freight elevator
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>To your sick desires must I cater?
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>My fantasies feature Darth Vader
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>d00d! wherez 4ll the $lutty <h!<kz at?????
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Go back to your raunchy sex chat!
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Yo mama's outrageously fat
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>Stop boinking your Siamese cat!
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>That's awful! I'm simply aghast!
> >>>>>>>>>>>>Hey you! Wanna *MAKE$MONEY$FAST*?
> >>>>>>>>>>>I hope that my line is the LAST.
> >>>>>>>>>>It wasn't. Now aren't you downcast?
> >>>>>>>>>Chewbacca is in all my dreams
> >>>>>>>>And I HATE THOSE GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!!
> >>>>>>>The FBIs mind-control beams!
> >>>>>>How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> >>>>>>wood?
> >>>>>Hey stop that! Just stick to the rhymes!
> >>>>Don't download a file called GOOD TIMES.
> >>>You speak with a voice like windchimes
> >>That's lovely and lucid and lyrical
> >This cascade is less than hysterical
> Let's hear from The Internet Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } Your cascade is rhyming, if boring.
} }} It's as bad as a speech by Al Gore-ing!
} }}} Your content I find worth ignoring.
} }}}} Which is why you can now hear me snoring.
} }}}}} There's nothing in there fit to answer.
} }}}}}} I've woodchucks inside of my pants, sir!
}
} }}}}}}} You owe the Oracle an end to this cascade.
} }}}}}}}} And a large pitcher of lemonade.


869-07    (6eJzh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, whose poetic ability dwarfs even Poe and
> Longfellow, please complete the following limerick:
>
> There once was an Internet Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whose presence was phantasmagorical.
} She answered with wit;
} Her responses she writ
} With references most allegorical.
}
} (Not very humble, but the Oracle is feeling her oats today.)


869-08    (7tNo8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you have this obsession over people groveling before you?  Is
> humility not among your attributes?  I don't believe grovelling should
> be necessary.  You can *ZOT* me if you wish, of course.  I am unarmed.
> I cannot stop you, and I shall make no attempt to do so.  But I'm sure
> it would prove some sort of point.
>
> From the spirit world,
>
> Mohandas K. Ghandi

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Actually, *ZOTs* don't work very well against residents of the
} spirit world.  Something to do with ectoplasm cancelling out the
} charge... but I suspect you knew that all along.  Sort of like Brer
} Rabbit telling Brer Fox that "You may throw me in the briar patch if
} you wish, but it will surely prove some sort of point."  Naturally, the
} point it'll prove is that Brer Fox is a total doofus for falling for
} that old dodge.
}
}    Not me, though.  I've got one of them proton packs from
} "Ghostbusters" and I know how to use it.  *click*  Oh, don't worry.
} It's not really violent... you'll just be harmlessly contained in a
} little box for the next half of eternity, as you consider the
} possibility that a little grovel now and then is not such a bad thing.
} *HUMMMMM....*
}
}    Besides, grovelling is only the polite thing to do.  **ZZZZZ**  I
} mean, if I'm gonna answer you're questions, I--  Hey, wait!  Lisa,
} what're you doing here?  I've already got this under control!  Watch
} out!!  You'll cross the strea--  ***BLAAAAAMMMM!!!!****
}
}    The Oracle owes you an apology.  Hmmph.


869-09    (ljrvj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O
> h
>
> O
> r
> a
> c
> l
> e
>
> m
> o
> s
> t
>
> w
> i
> s
> e
> ,
>
> M
> y
>
> c
> o
> m
> p
> u
> t
> e
> r
> '
> s
>
> a
> c
> t
> i
> n
> g
>
> u
> p
>
> a
> g
> a
> i
> n

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, your printout is down.


869-10    (7dmDA dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most complete in all aspects of your selfness --
>
> Please tell me: What's the diff between UNIX and eunichs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} % ls /dev/gonads
} /dev/gonads not found
} % ls /dev/testes
} /dev/testes not found
} % ls /dev/testicles
} /dev/testicles not found
} % ls /dev/balls
} /dev/balls not found
} %
}
} None, apparently.
}
} You owe the Oracle a roast capon.


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