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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:55:38 GMT

Internet Oracularities #87

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87, 87-01, 87-02, 87-03, 87-04, 87-05, 87-06, 87-07, 87-08, 87-09, 87-10


Usenet Oracularities #87
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 26 Dec 89 23:21:12 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


87-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, I must know:
>
> Do we exist as sublime manifestations of a Greater Intelligence, or are
> we just worms with eyes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Neither one.  We are worms with eyes, noses, iridescent blue butterfly
} wings, great big horns sticking out of the middles of our foreheads,
} RS-232 ports in the backs of our necks, and very large erections.  You
} should have checked on this before you wrote such a silly question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Greater Intelligence and a Lesser Antille.


87-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who blasted the throat out of my otter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Being too busy to bother with your question myself, I consulted one of
} my co-processes for her gems of wisdom:
}
} Who blasted the throat out of my otter?
}
} >Do you get blasted often?
}
} Who blasted the throat out of my otter?
}
} >Do you enjoy being blasted?
}
} Who blasted the throat out of my otter?
}
} >What makes you blasted?
}
} How did my otter come to have its throat blasted out?
}
} >Is it because did your otter come to have its throat blasted out that
} >you came to me?
}
} No, I came to find out who did it!
}
} >Why do you say you came to find out who did it?
}
} I give up...
}
} >Earlier you said you were blasted?


87-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a doom poodle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A doom poodle, by any reasonable definition, is a rare hairless dog
} found on the sub-continent, which roams rainforests and brings bad luck
} to small unsuspecting villages.


87-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why didn't you go to MIT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, it's a long story.  I was going to visit MIT once, a couple
} years ago, when I was bored; but right before I got there it winked out
} of existence right before I got there and was replaced by a giant vat of
} Pekingese.  Apparently they were testing a new version of reality
} (version 3.12b) and they found a bug.  Seems someone had forgotten to
} pop everything off the stack before returning from some infrequently
} used single-stack routine.
}   You know, version 3.12b was VERY buggy.  Rumor has it that Pons and
} alia were using that version.  If you asked me, I'd know for sure.
}
}    You owe the Oracle a lobotomized Jehovah's-witness pit bull.


87-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I buying 3.5" diskettes when I know perfectly well they won't fit
> in my old PC's 5.25" disk drives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you're anticipating the coming of the Omni-compatible drive.  It
} will handle 5.25" 360k and 1.2M floppies, 3.5" 720 and 1.44M floppies,
} Optical disks (any size), 40M, 60M and 150M tape cassettes, Bernoulli
} Cartridges, Digital Audio Tapes and 8-track cassettes, records, ticker
} tape, punch cards, scan-tron sheets and solid state silicon blocks.  It
} will have a 2 nanosecond access time, making ram obsolete.  It will sell
} for $600 and for an additional $300 you get an adaptor to let it act as
} a full color fax machine, laser printer, scanner and copier.
}
} Unfortunately, it will be incompatible with your old PC.
}
} You owe the Oracle yet another standard.


87-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why when I jiggle my belly--like this!!--my terminal stops wo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Artificial intelligence has become reality, and your terminal has a
} crush on you.  When you do something as adorable as that it cannot
} speak, cannot move....


87-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is Manual Noriega hiding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Manual" Noriega is perhaps with your other documentation, but where
} Manuel Noriega is hiding, I won't tell....


87-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a good eggnog recipe ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have a recipe for everything!  What's the point of being All-knowing
} if you can't eat well?  As it happens, I was just about to make a batch
} of egg-nog for the Priesthood Christmas Office Party; I'll tell you what
} to do as I make it.
}
} First off, get your ingredients. You will need:
}   A dozen eggs, yolks seperated from the whites.
}    (I know, that's a lot of work.  But if you want really good egg-nog,
}     you have to be willing to work at it.  Trust me, the end result
}     is worth it.)
}   1 pound of confectioner's sugar.
}   2 quarts whipping cream.
}   A large quantity of dark rum or brandy.
}     I'm using Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum, use your favorite.
}     Just make sure you like the taste of it...  Ahh.. yes, this
}     will do just fine.
}
} Now then, beat the egg yolks.  Next, beat in the pound of confectioner's
} sugar.  Whew, all this beating is making me thirsty, I'll have a little
} bit of that rum.  Ahh..  much better.  Anyway, pour about two cups of
} the rum (or brandy) into the egg and sugar mix.  Let's see, fill up the
} measuring cup...  well, that's a bit too much.  Better drink some of
} that first..  Hokay, that's two cups.  Into the mix it goes.  A little
} more wouldn't hurt.  Now, mix it all up real good.  Cover it and let it
} stand for about an hour.
}    While we're waiting, I'll clean up the kitchen a bit.  Well, before I
} put the rum away, I'll just have a little.  *boy* that's good stuff.
} Tell you what, why don't you clean up the kitchen, I'll go make sure the
} rum doesn't get sour or something.  Call me in an hour.
}
}   huh?  aL ready?  right, Back to the cooking.  Okay, open up the
} mixture and beat in another 3 or four cups of rum or so.  Oops, there
} isn't that much left in this bottle, better open a new one.  Aaahh,
} yeah, this one is good too.  Okay, get hte whipping cream and beat it
} into the stuff to.  Iff the cream doesn't want ot whip to much then have
} some more rum.  right.  okay.  now, stick the stuff intno the fridge fot
} tthree hours.  COme get me, iVe got a sick frinde that neeeds some rum.
}
} Yo ho ho..  Avast, there matey!  I'lll make ya wak the plannk!  huh?
} OH, right, the stuff.  hang on...
}
} right, get out of the fridge.  grab the egg things, you knoow, the other
} part, now BEAT THEM!  hah!  beat them till they get stiff.  Hey, you
} should have lots a practice at that, huh?  HA!  Haha!  anyway, now that
} theyrre stiff and erveryhingg, fold thm into to the mixure.  TA DA!!
} We're done.  wait...  no..  DAmn, Forgot the whatsits, nutmeg.  Right.
} gRind some nutmeg and thrOw the shit on top.  TA DA!  Now drink yourself
} to unconsh unsconsc unnonscios drink yourself stupid.  and hurry, youre
} almost there already.  HA!
}
}   An like i said what you gett is worth it, whn you get it in the end
}
} you owe The Egg Nog some oracle.


87-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Have a Merry Christmas!  If this subservient one may ask, what are your
> plans?
>
> Your fan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The taking of a holiday is a time-honored tradition in almost every
} society.  There have always been certain times of the year when the
} populace in general can cease their labors and participate in activities
} that serve to draw the community closer together.  The farming
} communities of ancient europe had their solstice and equinox
} celebrations, the aztecs would gather together and cut the hearts out of
} people, the incredibly obscure and poorly researched island culture of
} the Kahawaminikalukukanukki to this very day delight in the twice-yearly
} "Festival of He Who Hops Across The Earth With Five Brightly Colored
} Birds Tied To His Ankle," in which they...  but I digress.
}
} In stark contrast to this principle of "Everybody gets a day to tell the
} boss to stick it in his ear, I'm going to have a good time today,"
} members of religious orders never really seem to get a chance to let it
} all hang out.  This may be because:
}   a) They are the ones that usually have to do the work when everyone
}      else is celebrating the holy occasion of the day, and
}   b) Their boss is a bit harder to give such creative directives to.
}
} The delphic oracle never found the lack of days off to be much of a
} problem.  Remember, she got "inspired" by breathing suspect fumes,
} followed by visions and a sense of being one with the gods.  With a job
} like that, who needs holidays?
}
} For my part, this Christmas I'm going to turn on the answering machine,
} grab a good looking chick and some mistletoe, head for this cave I know
} about in Greece, and get inspired.
}
}        Merry Christmas.


87-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Uh, yo
>
>  Like, during Christmas break everybody leaves but us temporary
> operators.  Myself, I sleep and eat at the Alpha house and come in
> nights.  So, last night, I was yankin my pal "Boomer" and telling him
> you could actually see stuff being written inside the disk drive.  Boom
> gets really browned and says "No Way", so I say, "Way".
>
>  Just to prove me wrong he opens up the main drive and sticks his head
> in.  That's when this really weird sound happened.  Boomer's legs kind
> of twitch like that dude in the Talking Heads Video every time too.
> Everybody thinks it's funny but I can't get B-man's noodle out of the
> drive and now some dudes can't access the games directory.  Who ya gonna
> call?
>
>  Suds Man

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the answer is simple.  First, you must get several gallons of
} industrial strength nail polish remover.  Pour this into the disk drive,
} but make sure you make a tape backup first.  The nail polish remover
} will dissolve "Boomer", leaiving the drive intact.  Now, retrieve the
} tape backup and "Boomer" with it.  Unfortunately, there will be balls of
} hair in random spots in Rogue for months.


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