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Internet Oracularities #870

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870, 870-01, 870-02, 870-03, 870-04, 870-05, 870-06, 870-07, 870-08, 870-09, 870-10


Internet Oracularities #870    (129 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 1996 22:46:59 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

870  129 votes 8zPq9 6bwRr lHGi5 owzlh 5gqNx 9tOre fyGrb 79JFr 6oBDn dqBBg
870   3.2 mean  2.9   3.7   2.6   2.8   3.7   3.1   2.9   3.6   3.4   3.1


870-01    (8zPq9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Otis Viles" <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most great and wise Oracle, upon whose subscribed newsgroups I m
> not even worthy to crosspost lame spam, please tell me the answwer
> to my most humble question:
>
> Do Usenet trolls live under bridges?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, they start out living under repeaters.  After they've lived
} there for a little while, they've generally amassed a small amount
} of wealth, and they can afford to move up to a bridge.  (Of course
} there are some especially lazy trolls which just fritter away their
} income as fast as they earn it.  These trolls are doomed to spend
} their entire lives under a repeater.  Sad but true.)
}
} Most trolls, though, do manage to work their way up to a bridge.
} And there they stay, for the main part.  It's not a bad life for
} a troll.  The work is pleasant, the pay is decent, and they do have
} a little free time to go fishing.
}
} About 10% of trolls are particularly hard-working, and after some
} time under their bridge, they are rich enough to move under a router.
} And a very few trolls are lucky enough to live under a gateway.
} It's very difficult for trolls to achieve gateway status, though.
} Most of the ones who do have outside assistance, e.g. an inheritance
} from a rich uncle.


870-02    (6bwRr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Otis Viles" <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Uncle Orrie, I can't sleep.  Tell me a story.
> A good one this time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, a GOOD one.....
}
} "Well, Timmy, once upon a time there was a dedicated User Support
} Worker.  He was good at his job.  He learned everything there was to
} know about the computer systems he supported, and the users at his
} site could always depend on him to help them get past their computer
} problems so they could get their real work done."
}
} "Oh, wow.... He's gonna die for that, isn't he, Uncle Orrie?"
}
} "Now, Timmy, don't get ahead of me.  However, he was cursed in his
} job with certain people who seemed destined to make his life a living
} nightmare.  One day, a user came in and sat down to use a Macintosh.
} He pulled out the 5.25" floppy disk holding his PC files.  Since it
} wouldn't fit in the disk drive, he did the smart thing and folded up
} his disk so it could fit."
}
} "No way!"
}
} "Way.  Our intrepid User Support Worker had to use tweezers to get
} the disk out.  That was the beginning of the end.  From there, it was
} all down hill.  There was the user who tried to print from a laptop
} to a laser printer without actually plugging the two in together.
} There was the user who selected the wrong printer driver so that the
} laser printer printed one word per page; that was forgivable, except
} that he waited until the entire document printed out before he came
} and pointed out the problem.  There was the user who spent several
} hours of the User Support Worker's time setting up an ethernet card
} on a laptop with Windows 3.1, and then two days later decided he was
} going to upgrade to Windows 95."
}
} "Woah!  He was in bad shape!"
}
} "He was, Timmy.  The final straw came when a user's computer wouldn't
} boot.  The user said, 'I had a copy of Norton Utilities that a friend
} gave me, so I ran Disk Doctor on the disk.'  The USW said, 'Were you
} having any problems with your computer?'  'No, it was working fine,
} but I figured with a name like Disk Doctor it had to be helpful.'
} Well, Our Hero snapped.  He broke into his site one night and removed
} all the computers.  He replaced them with older tools... people who
} used word processors got typewriters and steno pads; Photoshop users
} got multicolored pen & pencil sets; Mathematica users got slide rules
} and tables of integrals."
}
} "Not tables of integrals!"
}
} "Yes, Timmy, I'm afraid so.  They took the User Support Worker and
} carried him off, and locked him in a small room with mattresses on
} the wall. But you know something?  He was happier there."
}
} "You tell the weirdest stories, Uncle Orrie."
}
} "I can't help it, it's my incarnations.  Now go to sleep."
}
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything, but send your local User Support
} Worker a nice bottle of his or her favorite beverage.


870-03    (lHGi5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >----------
> >Od:     The Internet Oracle[SMTP:oracle@cs.indiana.edu]
> >Odesl=E1no:     13. listopadu 1996 9:12
> >P=F8edm=ECt:    Answer #Qa03555, the Oracle requires an answer to =
> this question.
> >
> >The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
> >
> >>=20
> >> *Zot*             - the houses of parliment
> >> *Zot*             - the roof of the fallout shelter
> >> *Zot* *Zot* *Zot* - the three layers of flak jackets
> >> *Zot* *Zot*       - the gits pair of wellies
> >> *Zot*             - the reflector dish
> >> *Zot* <scream>    - the gits left ear
> >> *Zot* <scream>    - the gits right ear
> >> *BOOM*            - the remainder of the Guy Fawkes gun powder =
> catching
> >>                       and blowing a hole in the houses of parliment =
> the
> >>                       ira would be proud of.
> >>=20
> >>       Very nice story!!! So and........?
> >          Theresa.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh my God man, you are stuck in dreaded infinite Northern Ireland Loop!
} Now you have to follow my instructions precisely, or you will be
} humming Danny Boy until the ends of the earth and Canterbury will mean
} more than a chocolate bar.  What we have to do is exorcise the Northern
} Ireland vibes.
}  Now what I find does this best is to drive the spirit right out with
} concepts of the American South.  Follow this instructions to the letter
} or will be the least of your worries.
}
} 1. Take monosyllabic words and pronounce them with two syllables
}    (example fork/for-urk).
} 2. Address even your mother as "Buddy".
} 3. Where plaid shirts with waders whenever possible.
} 4. Find the most grotesque, vile cut of meat possible.  Fry it and put
}    enough gravy on it to send your cholesterol count to 300.
} 5. Burp at inopportune times.
} 6. Take more than a platonic interest in your siblings and/or
}    mother/father.
}
} This is a severe plan, but desperate times require desperate measures.
}
} You owe the Oracle two black and tans with the MIME setting in Exchange
} turned off.


870-04    (owzlh dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you say the same thing over and over again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT I SAY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
}
} YOU OWE ELIZA A GUEST SLOT ON OPRAH.


870-05    (5gqNx dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are so all women so badly to me?
> I give my best. I pay all day a red rose, and give to my EXWIFE and he
> ignored me!
> she ask to other girlfrend what he can make better in the bed and what
> ever he can make better. But she doesn`t want to talk to me and to love
> to me. He Ignored me..
> Can you give me a Idea or 2 ??? My live is in your Hand
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Scene: The Oracle yanks the Oracular hand back, and wanders off to
}  wash it under a tap. The Oracle returns, keeping a discrete distance].
}
} It seems that your mother failed to have that 'little talk' with you.
} For a start, if your ex-wife is a 'he', then you've possibly made a
} few mistakes.  Putting your 'live' into the hand of people you hardly
} know is also not really an appropriate action.
}
} Here's a quick love aptitude test for you to take. Note the advice
} at the end.
}
} (1) A beautiful woman in a Versace dress walks into a restaurant where
}     you are working. Do you :
}   (a) Walk up calmly and offer to take her coat.
}   (b) Hide behind a pot plant, salivating.
}   (c) Yell across the room "Hey guys, check this out!".
}
} (2) Walking along the road, you see a beautiful woman accidently let go
}     of her dog's leash, and the dog run away. Do you :
}   (a) Race after the dog, gently catch hold of the leash, and walk back
}       towards her
}   (b) Run like hell because you have a phobia about dogs.
}   (c) Race after it, catch it by stamping on it, and the return the
}       corpse.  to her winking and saying "anything you need this dog
}       for, I can do".
}
} (3) A beautiful woman walks up to you on the street and says "$50,
}     anyway you want it." Do you :
}   (a) Politely decline.
}   (b) Soil your pants with shock.
}   (c) Try to bargain her down to $30.
}
} (4) On a beach date, your girlfriend suddenly realises that she's lost
}     her bikini top. Do you :
}   (a) Swim back to shore, and bring back your towel.
}   (b) Stand there in shock, realising that you can see her nipples and
}       that there's nothing to hide behind.
}   (c) Offer to cover up her breasts a'la THAT Janet Jackson poster.
}
} (5) You give her roses every day for years with no apparant response.
}   (a) Phone her up and ask sweetly, "how did you like the roses?"
}   (b) Cry all over your newspaper.
}   (c) Sue her through the courts for the cost of the roses.
}
} (6) You have a basic problem with a woman. Do you :
}   (a) Ask her if you can discuss your "true feelings".
}   (b) Email The Usenet Oracle.
}   (c) Stand outside her new boyfriend's flat with a baseball bat.
}
} Total up the number of times you chose (a), (b), and (c) for each
} question.
}
} Mostly (a)'s. You are a niceGuy(tm). Forget about women, they'll all say
}               that you're exactly what they want, but too good a friend
}               to risk actually having a romantic relationship.
} Mostly (b)'s. You are a wimp. Enroll in self-help classes in the hope
}               that someone even more inadequate than you will turn up
}               and you'll feel better about yourself.
} Mostly (c)'s. You are a complete bastard. You couldn't spare a few of
}               your dates for a lonely incarnation could you?
}
} You owe The Oracle a bottle of aftershave that smells like money.


870-06    (9tOre dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose brilliance outshines the sun in your tireless
> dispensing of those tender nuggets of wisdom, there must be a catch
> to all this. What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CATCH OF THE DAY
}
} Monday - Atlantic tuna.
} Tuesday - Sockeye salmon.
} Wednesday - Crayfish.
} Thursday - Mahi mahi.
} Friday - An old boot.  (Ran out of bait.)
} Saturday - Ocean perch.
} Sunday - Quahogs.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice dinner out on Friday.


870-07    (fyGrb dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Political Oracle,
>
> How can one remain optimistic about the future of this country
> when 98% of the voters voted for either a fat corrupt draft-dodger,
> an undead homophobic zombie, or a Ferengi?
>
> -A Loyal Supplicant (who voted for Nader)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...and the other 2% voted for an interfering busybody who, had he been
} on the jury, would have awarded billions and billions of dollars in
} that ridiculous McDonalds hot coffee lawsuit.
}
} Well, if that were truly the case, one could certainly not be
} optimistic. Fortunately, however, this only takes into account the
} *voting* population. One's outlook becomes considerably brighter when
} one realizes that this is actually less than half the country combined.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Jack Ryan for President" campaign button.


870-08    (79JFr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is space a true vaccum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a very effective one.  Look how filthy this planet is that
} we're living on.
}
} You owe the Oracle a true feather duster.


870-09    (6oBDn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle Most Wise, could you tell me why is football called football
> when the only thing they do with their foot is kick field goals and
> extra points?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you may know, football is only called by that name in North America.
} While there is nothing wrong with the name, it doesn't really make
} sense.  In the rest of the world, Soccer is called football.  Football
} is then called lacrosse. (deep breath) Lacrosse is called hockey,
} hockey is called wrestling, pro wrestling is called acting, and amateur
} wrestling is called basketball(you don't want to know why), which is
} called baseball, baseball is called tennis, tennis is racquetball,
} which is dodgeball which is boxing. (gasp)  Boxing is known as
} brawling, and female boxing is known, of course, as soccer.  Lastly,
} acting is called thespianism in the rest of the world.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question about the metric system.


870-10    (dqBBg dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are those Chinese people saying?  And why do they keep looking at
> me like that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most insignificant human, I msut counsel thee to look to thy
} etiquette. My nanoseconds tower in importance above thy hours and
} days; let thy demeanour reflect this when thou comest before Me.
}
} In short, I am much smarter than thou art; therefore shalt thou
} grovel, as befits the lesser being in such a meeting of unequals.
}
} Thy question is timely, oh fleck of squishy organic matter. I do
} counsel thee to be on thy guard, for thy life hangeth in the balance.
}
} (Ekthkuthe Me while I thpit out thith chthewing gum.)
}
} As I was saying, you better watch it. Those people are inspecting and
} monitoring you. Day by day they watch and wait. They observe the
} minute increases in your girth, which will one day become middle-aged
} flab. They have weight sensors, made in Shanghai and accurate to the
} microgram, concealed under your doorstep to weigh you as you step
} into the street. Your telephone line actually leads through their
} house before it enters the phone system. There is a pinhead-sized
} camera positioned very strategically in your bathroom. Next time
} you're in a department store, see how the security cameras turn to
} follow you and you alone.
}
} One of them owns a very specialised, very discreet restaurant. The
} clientele are extremely exclusive, and usually only visit once.
}
} They are commenting that very, very soon you will be exactly au
} point, ripe for the plucking, as tender and juicy as you will ever
} be.
}
} You are privileged. Few will make as tasty a dish as you.


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