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Internet Oracularities #871

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871, 871-01, 871-02, 871-03, 871-04, 871-05, 871-06, 871-07, 871-08, 871-09, 871-10


Internet Oracularities #871    (127 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 26 Nov 1996 08:50:08 -0500 (EST)

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871  127 votes iuCtc 8oKBc nvBoc 6vDBe hpnuw 5nFDj 6eIAr 6syAn jFJj3 5gJDm
871   3.1 mean  2.9   3.2   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.3   3.5   3.3   2.6   3.4


871-01    (iuCtc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most observational and observable Oracle, answer me this (if of
> course it comes to your attention):
>
> My cat claims to be enough of an observer to cause probability function
> collapse and that Schrodinger didn't know what he was talking about.
>
> Can you help clear this up?  I am having trouble accepting the word of
> a cat over that of an eminent scientist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A small "ding" is heard from the newly appointed Oracle Priestess'
} computer, and she jerks her head up from her sleep.
}
} "Huh? Wha...? Oh. Hmm. A cat, eh? Never did trust cats too much myself,
} but, what the hey..." The Priestess pushes a button, and the
} supplicant's cat appears before her.
}
} "Miao.. Who are you?" the cat asks disinterestedly, not waiting for a
} response before returning to its bathing rituals.
}
} "A Priestess of the Oracle. I hear you are skeptical of a certain E.
} Schrodinger?"
}
} The cat sniffs airily. "I'm skeptical of *all* humans, but this guy
} really takes the catnip."
}
} The Priestess nods, and ponders for a moment. "Well, there's only one
} way to settle this, then." And with that, she picks up the protesting
} cat and deposits it in a small steel chamber. "We'll know in an hour
} who was right, so just sit tight." Despite the cat's pleading "miaos",
} the Priestess closes the lid.
}
} An hour passes. Using the power of the Oracle, and the excellent
} graphics on her computer, the Priestess checks in on Kitty. She finds
} that the cat, apparently mistaking the hammer for some sort of toy, had
} knocked it into the vial of hydrocyanic acid, which, of course, spelled
} an even earlier demise for the cat, who was very definitely dead. The
} Priestess nods, and begins an e-mail to the supplicant:
}
} "Dear Supplicant,
}
} "They were both wrong. Ultimately, curiosity really did kill the cat.
}
} "P.S. Sorry about your cat. Have you ever considered adopting a puppy?"
}
} You owe the Oracle a new flask of hydrocyanic acid.


871-02    (8oKBc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh cunning and clued-up Oracle, whose secret meetings I am not
> worthy to attend, even under an assumed name;
>
> While browsing through the Vatican's sealed archives the other
> day (their tourguides are terribly lax about security) I came
> across a file labelled "Excised Verses, Psalms to Revelations".
> Intrigued, I opened it up and discovered the following, written
> in a shaky hand on a torn piece of goat skin:
>
> "...And these also shall be blessed;
> Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy;
> Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get
> jobs in Marketing;
> Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea,
> even unto truckloads;
> But thrice blessed shall be the nerds, for - "
>
> At that moment I noticed Cardinal Assassini (the Pope's
> Punisher, the Cardinal of Carnage, the Bishop of - but you get
> the idea) attempting to sneak up on me, so I had to shin up the
> heating pipes and make my escape across the rooftops.
>
> I am currently hiding out, but I have to know - how does it finish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh suspicious supplicant,
}       The Excised verse you ponder is from Psalms 1:36, Verses 12-19.
} The complete verse should be as follows:
}       Blessed are the rich, for they shall be wealthy;
}       Blessed are the good-looking, for they shall find it easy to get
} jobs in Marketing;
}       Blessed are the Powerful, for they shall attract babes, yea, even
} unto truckloads;
}       But thrice blessed shall be the Nerds, for they shall truly know
} their Lord, God, who shall walk among the mortals, yea, even then shall
} the Nerds be the only true worshippers;
}       And God, their Lord, shall bestow upon them the USENET:  and God
} shall say unto them:  "Go Forth, and Post:  But Spam not and ruin this,
} the holiest of holies; for if but one of you Spams upon this, My
} USENET, then all shall pay";
}       And Man did Post, and Spam, and God looked, and saw all the evil
} in the world;  and God did say:  "My people need a guide; I shall create
} one in my fashion, omnipotent and all-powerful";
}       And God did create the Oracle, and there was much rejoicing, for
} all Spams were punnished with a Zot.


871-03    (nvBoc dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the e-mail address for technical-assistance for Word Perfect
> 6.1 (Windows).  I have a problem that I need to let them know of for
> solution. Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple: The address is:
} no.longer.st@e.of.the.art


871-04    (6vDBe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear newbie/supplicant,
}
} If you want to compose e-mail messages on your Apple Newton you have to
} use the correct type of pen. Don't worry, felt pen ink is
} water-soluble.
}
} Maybe you should go back to practising with your etch-a-sketch.


871-05    (hpnuw dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT AND MIGHTY ORACLE I ASK OF YOU TO PLEASE SHARE SOME OF YOUR
> BRILLIANCY WITH ME AND TO TELL ME WHAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE:
>               MISTAH KURTZ AND "A PENNY FOR THE OLD GUY"
>
> ALL THAT I KNOW IS THAT ONE OF THEM IS FROM A NOVEL AND THAT ONE OF
> THEM HAS TO DO WITH AN ANTI-HERO.
>
>               THANK YOU MUCH!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop screaming! I can hear you just fine. Since I'm omniscient, I
} already know what you were going to ask anyway, so you don't have to be
} so loud.
}
} Unfortunately for you, there are mysteries mere mortals were not meant
} to know, and the meaning of "a penny for the Old Guy" is one. I could
} tell you, but your brain would explode. As a consolation however, I can
} tell you that poor old T.S. transcribed my answer to his question
} wrong... here is the actual poem I gave him as a response to his
} supplication "Dear Oracle, how may I torture high school English
} students long after my death?" Enjoy!
}
} The Hollow Men
}      Oracle, T. Internet (Immortal)
}      as told to T.S. Eliot
}
}                  MISTAH KURTZ -- HE DEAD.
}                       A penny for the Old Guy
}                                   I
}
}      We are the supplicants
}      We are the clueless
}      Spamming together
}      CAPS LOCK STUCK DOWN.  Alas!
}      Our silly questions, when
}      We mail together
}      Are postmodern and meaningless
}      As John Travolta's career
}      I'd rather eat broken glass
}      Than watch him "act"
}
}      Mail without questions, Answers with the question quoted,
}      Paralysing ignorance, questions without wit;
}
}      Those who have read
}      With direct eyes, the Oracle help file
}      Pity you--if at all--not as cute
}      Helpless newbies, but only
}      As the supplicants
}      The clueless.
}
}                                         II
}
}      Lusers I dare not meet on IRC
}      In MUDs' dream kingdoms
}      These do not appear:
}      There, the flames are
}      Scorching a Usenet group
}      There, with CAPS LOCK SCREAMING
}      Their voices are
}      across the network stinging
}      More irritating and more uninformed
}      Than a Baywatch star.
}
}      Let me be no nearer
}      In MUDs' dream kingdoms
}      To the fanboys who wear
}      Such deliberate disguises
}      Of lesbians, hackers, or K00L D00DZ
}      In a newsgroup
}      Crossposting as the wind blows,
}      No relevance--
}
}      Not that Cookie Recipe again!
}      That's so old it has hair on it
}
}                                         III
}
}      This is the flame war land
}      This is spam land
}      Here the GET RICH QUICK hopes
}      Are raised, here the Oracle receives
}      The supplication of computer geeks
}      Under the flurorescent lights of the computer lab.
}
}      Is it like this
}      In the real world
}      Hacking alone
}      At the hour when we are
}      Trembling with caffeine
}      Lips that have never kissed
}      Form prayers to the compiler.
}
}                                         IV
}
}      The ideas are not here
}      There are no ideas here
}      In this newsgroup of flames and spams
}      In this unmoderated newsgroup
}      This alt.folklore.computers
}
}      In this last of meeting places
}      We grep together
}      and avoid the binaries
}      Searching for the perfect killfile
}
}      Dateless, unless
}      There's a female engineer
}      In their class
}      Multifoliate rose
}      Who is impressed by Star Trek references
}      The hope only
}      Of lonely men.
}
}                                         V
}
}      Your question goes round the Oracle's queue
}      Oracle's queue Oracle's queue
}      Your question goes round the Oracle's queue
}      Do askme's until it gets empty.
}
}      Between Canter
}      And Siegal
}      Between the scientologists
}      And the Jehovah's witnesses
}      Falls the shadow
}                                       For Thine is the Internet
}
}      Between the woodchuck question
}      And the null question
}      Between the chicken question
}      And the response
}      Falls the Shadow
}                                       Your questions are very bad
}
}      Between the GET RICH QUICK
}      And the spam
}      Between the chain letters
}      and the hoaxes
}      Between the MAC USERS ARE DUMB AS DOGSH*T
}      And the ATARI STs RULE!
}      Falls the Shadow
}                                       For Thine is the Internet
}
}      For thine is
}      Life is
}      For Thine is the
}
}      This is the way the 'net ends
}      This is the way the 'net ends
}      This is the way the 'net ends
}      Not with a <ZOT> but a whimper.


871-06    (5nFDj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good heavens. Hold on a second.
}
} Here, kitty, kitty... nice kitty. A little closer, come on...
} MEEEEOWRRRRR! HISS! HISS! SLASH! Give me that!!! MRRRRRRROWWWRR
} <ZOT>
}
} There you go. I guarantee that cat won't even *think* of messing
} with your tongue now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rubber mouse.


871-07    (6eIAr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !Oh hot-wired and succulent Oracle;
>
>     What may it be that we all shall quest for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wet kisses. Free parking. Non-stifling education. Pick-up baseball
} on Sundays. Responsible government. Civil rights. Cherry PEZ.
} Brighter colors and whiter whites. Another 8 Meg and bigger hard drive.
} Real grass.  A four-day work week. Great taste. A way to look good
} without diet or exercise. Fewer guns. More cats. Free haggis for
} everyone. The Cubs in the series. Laughs on Saturday Night Live.
} Anarchy. B-movies on late-night television. The hidden "water" level
} of Marble Madness. Thick, juicy, steaks. Lisa. The perfect garbage
} collection alogrithm. Peace in our time.  An edible rice cake.
} Justice tempered with mercy. The location of Waldo.  A tall cold
} glass of milk. Life. Liberty. Happiness. Skittles. A commercially
} viable implementation of Scheme. SCTV reruns. Legitimate theatre
} on Broadway. Really salty pretzles. The road to wisdom. The door
} to enlightenment. Backstage passes. A readable instruction manual.
} Batteries. The right screwdriver for the job. Clean water. The lowest
} long distance rates. Civility. Post-it notes that stay up. More sex
} on television. Interest-free student loans. Montreal-style bagels.
} Comfortable dress shoes. The reason for the turnip. The chance
} to sleep in. Food for the hungry. Rocket packs, picture phones
} and electric cars.  A uniquely American architecture. Solar power.
} Cold fusion. The admiration of our colleagues and friends. Cuteness.
} Perspicacity. A witty response from every incarnation of the Oracle.
} Wings and/or gills. Love. Fun. Sex.  Chocolate.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of each.


871-08    (6syAn dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@mincom.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Wondrous Oracle, that knowest all
>      I am the lowliest of them all,
>      but couldst thou answer for me, please...
>      Whyfore must I close my eyes when I sneeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Humble Supplicant, do not fret,
} For you will have your answer yet,
} But talking of your noisy sneezes
} Don't forget they spread diseases.
}
} So put this question to yourself,
} (I assume you are in perfect health),
} What do others do when sneezing,
} Coughing, picking noses, wheezing?
}
} You put your hand over your nose,
} Otherwise the sneeze just blows,
} Over every other person,
} And that just leaves them angry, cursing!
}
} So, on your hand the sneeze, it bounces,
} Several slimey fluid ounces,
} And it will bounce back in your face,
} Makes a mess all o'er the place.
}
} So, to protect your precious eyes,
} Now this may come as no surprise,
} Your little tiny eyelids close,
} Against the contents of your nose.
}
} So, there you have it - your reply,
} I hope it leaves you high and dry,
} For helping you resolve these issues,
} You owe the oracle a box of tissues.


871-09    (jFJj3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, Who's underarm I am not worthy to smell,
>       Please bestow upon me a litlle of your genius and tell me, why am
> I always tired ???
>
> Your humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was your 96 hour non-stop campaign just before the election.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good long hibernation.


871-10    (5gJDm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wise and wonderful Oracle, answer, I beg my question.  I ask
> you because most certainly nobody else can:
>
> What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well at first Tooth Fairy Inc. did very little with the teeth. Mostly
} they would use the teeth to fill in some holes and the profit margin
} was minimal.  This all changed when Fairy Tale Industries and their
} CEO Cole Gate bought out Tooth Fairy Inc. in a leveraged buyout.  Mr.
} Gate had the stroke of genius of taking the teeth and using them for
} calcium supplements.  Now anyone who buys calcium supplements will tell
} you that there is some serious money to be had in nutritional aids.
} This is particularly true when you are just passing out a few quarters
} here and there and are getting $6.98 a bottle for your product.
}
} This arrangement worked nicely until in the early seventies the Mafia
} got into the act.  Lead by Jimmy "The Tooth" DeKay they muscled Fairy
} Tale out of the business.  To make matters worse they threatened
} parents with a "an ache that won't stop" if they didn't pay the kids
} the quarter themselves.  Now the Mafia had managed to acquire the
} product for free and still could making a killing off the supplements.
} This all worked well until the famed prosecutor Calvin Edward Tee
} attacked the Mafia.  Cav. E. Tee took the rotten Tooth off the streets
} and the Mafia's brush with the law took made them toothless.
}
} Which of course lead to the Colombian drug lords taking over.
} Under the leadership of Mo Lar the Colombians found a better way
} of making money with teeth.  Instead of calcium supplements, they
} would grind the teeth and mix it with the cocaine that they were
} shipping around the world.  When you are getting $70 an ounce for
} something, I think you can comprehend the value of a singular tooth.
} This all ended in 1991 in the famous "Armed to the Teeth" scandal
} where American teeth were being shipped to Columbia in exchange for
} money which purchased arms which went to the Middle East.
}
} Since 1991 the common wisdom on teeth is that the US government
} collects the teeth and holds them in a restricted area in the Nevada
} desert to sap aliens of their strength.
}
} You owe the Oracle an estimate on how many the chickens the Easter
} Bunny has.


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