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Internet Oracularities #872

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872, 872-01, 872-02, 872-03, 872-04, 872-05, 872-06, 872-07, 872-08, 872-09, 872-10


Internet Oracularities #872    (117 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 14:01:20 -0500 (EST)

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872  117 votes iJAg2 jlGpa auFpb byzv6 a9kIy 7yyx9 ksxr9 bqvmr 9pAyd dwDq7
872   3.0 mean  2.5   2.9   3.0   2.9   3.7   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.1   2.8


872-01    (iJAg2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does nobody love me and what can I do about this ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mighty oracle, again speaks out,
} four things I'll say, to give you clout,
} and first, I'll offer, unto you,
} an answer to your query too.
}
} Why? is rhubarb crumble mushy,
} Why? in hot weather, desire a slushy,
} Why, oh why? does no one love you,
} I'll try to answer, um, er, oooh...
}
} Well. love is complex, and it's true,
} for now it seems, no-one loves you,
} maybe that's right, maybe forever,
} but maybe not, if you're damned clever.
}
} Four ways' there are, to make them love you,
} money's the first, and onto two,
} here placed, there's notoriety,
} (does for Jacko, does for me)
}
} there's cuteness, um, that's great, I'm sure,
} but play the fool, tis the best cure,
} have a laugh, and play at folly,
} each of us loves one who's jolly.
}
} You owe the oracle the address of a good escort agency.


872-02    (jlGpa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oops ! Now DON'T - I've told you, you must NEVER - ouch!! - now STOP IT
> listen to me, will you? - STOP THIS AT ONCE! - ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop what?  I'm not doing anyth--
}
} Oh my God, does your dog ALWAYS do that?
}
} You owe the oracle the archives of
} alt.sex.bestiality.hamsters.duct-tape.


872-03    (auFpb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your Excellency, the peasants are about to revolt

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eh? Whassat? The pheasants are revolving, you say?
}
} Quickly man, to the storm shelters! Hurricane's on its way!
}
} You mean you don't know? Chaos theory! Quick, put that bar across
} the door...
}
} [wavery screen effect shimmers and resolves to an aging hippy in
} front of a blackboard. His T-Shirt, with a groovy fractal pattern,
} identifies him as a Chaos Theoretician.]
}
} "Many people know that classic chaos theory example of the
} thunderstorm in America caused by the fluttering of a butterfly's
} wings in China (later changed by marketing to a hurricane). What
} isn't so commonly known is that we have identified the causes of
} other weather systems. grasshopper farts, for example, cause
} freezing fog, and starlings crapping on shiny sportscars cause
} hazy cloud with a 20% chance of scattered showers later in the
} afternoon (that happens a lot). The study of Hurricanes has
} been vastly advanced by the discovery that they are caused
} by pheasants running around in small circles."
}
} [wavery screen effect shimmers and returns us to the Oracle]
}
} So there y'go, sonny. Now tune the radio to the emergency channel
} and - what's that? Peasants? _Revolting_ ? Well, why didn't you
} say so in the first place?
}
} You owe the Oracle a rooftop helipad, a Swiss bank account and
} political asylum in Hawaii.


872-04    (byzv6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I get headaches if I stare at a computer screen
> for too long.  Since I work with computers, this happens just about
> every day. Is there some easy solution to this problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should fnord rest assured that you are fnord not experiencing
} an adverse fnord reaction to subliminal messages in your fnord
} software. That's fnord definitely not the case. Fnord.
}
} Just relax and go with the fnord flow and you'll soon fnord forget
} you ever had fnord headaches.
}
} If symptoms fnord persist, you might consider fnord a hat made of
} tin-foil. Just as a fnord precaution.
}
} You owe the fnord Oracle your unquestioning obedience.


872-05    (a9kIy dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens if I press this switch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The one marked "Alternate Universe?"  It couldn't do any harm...why
} don't you go ahead and try?
}
} Hmmm, looks like it didn't do anything.  Must not be hooked up.
}
} Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck.
}
} The Oracle owes you a million dollars.


872-06    (7yyx9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tellme about usnet

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Usenet, best beloved, is a happy, fairytale kingdom. King Kibo sits
} on his throne protected by the friendly giants Spaf and Tale. The
} wizard Depew ensures that anything that threatens the land magically
} disappears, and the Knights who say 'Ack' make fair and just laws to
} govern the people.
}
} But all is not entirely peace and tranquility. The crawling, choking
} spam vines threaten the productive fields of the peasants, sent by
} the evil wizard Rhodes to torment the king. Bands of marauding
} noobies wander around aimlessly, causing chaos with their poorly
} configured news software. And evil trolls stir up discord and strife
} with sly words and provocative political agendas.
}
} And you're probably better off staying out of some of the seamier
} areas, such as alt.revisionism or alt.sex.* - come to think of it,
} the whole of Alt County has been going steadily downhill since the
} Oracle went upmarket to the fancy Rec Province.
}
} You owe the Oracle kooks like we used to get in the old days.


872-07    (ksxr9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O' one of all profundity we wouldst that thou sage be to our lowly
> quest, We seek but simple answers where one such as you O'
> Knowingness waits with immortal patience only to fill our raving
> ignorance.  We are not fit to drink from your cup!! and yet freely
> you see fit to quench our thirst.  We are but humble conduits of you
> o' Great One!! We tremble in fear at the the mere utterance of your
> name.   Dare we!! I ask dare we utter in even the most remote corners
> in all the Universe?!?  In the seemless unreacheable dimensions?  In
> the bowells of  the blackest blackhole? On an Elvis record played
> backwards?  The name of the Omniscient  One !!!
>
> [inhale]
>
> Do you think you could just find me a bigger set of lungs?  I just
> can't spit out any more grovelling without bigger lungs...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, but until Pamela Lee's divorce goes through, we don't know
} who'll get custody.


872-08    (bqvmr dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and understanding Oracle,
>
> If you find the time, please tell me how,
> Man first learnt to drink from a cow.
> Why grab its bits and give 'em a pull?
> And where would be be, had it been a bull?
>
> If you find an answer, then please tell me why,
> Big ships do float, and aeroplanes fly.
> What is space and what is the point,
> Of the little hole, on a Bic ballpoint?
>
> Why have elephants got such big noses?
> Is it true what they said, about this bloke Moses ?
> The meaning of life, they said was '24' ,
> Whats that mean, whats it all for?
>
> Why can't the leopard change its spots?
> Have you ever met an elephant, that actually forgot ?
> How do cats, always land on their feet ?
> Who put the circles, in the fields of wheat?
>
> I mean if its ok, would you be so kind,
> All of these things, they trouble my mind,
> Oh wonderful Orrie, please help me here,
> I haven't been to sleep for almost a year.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant I'm filled with joy,
} Poetical questions! Boy oh boy.
} I've not seen one since puss was a kitten,
} Though we've not met I know I'm smitten.
}
} You ask me first of cows by jingies,
} And how man chose to pull its thingies.
} Man didst first try bulls and wished,
} He hadn't for he soon was squished.
}
} (When I say 'he' I mean mankind
}   I am not sexist you will find)
}
} The larger boats are, I'm assured,
} Aquatic holes into which money is poured.
} Needs money to float? I don't see the link,
} But an under-funded boat will surely sink.
}
} As for aeroplanes, I'd say
} They fly with wings, day by day.
} And also they can fly at night,
} You should consult the brothers Wright.
}
} Bic pens even stump my henchmen,
} Because they are designed by Frenchmen!
} On space I often feast my eyes,
} 'coz I might see the Enterprise.
}
} Elephants have noses, true
} That seem quite long to me or you,
} But to Dumbo, dresed quite formal,
} A lengthy nose does seem quite normal.
}
} Tales of Moses probably,
} Originate at Gallillee,
} Found among the reeds they say,
} That grow on edges of the bay.
}
} 24? Well who told you?
} The answer y'seek is 42!
} To know it would make your brain bend,
} A human cannot comprehend.
}
} Leopards used to change their spots,
} To pink and purple polka-dots,
} But elephants remembered that,
} And laughed at leopards, as they sat.
}
} Cats and feet and landing are,
} Discussed by many, near and far,
} In spite of what some fools may boast,
} DON'T tie your cat to buttered toast.
}
} You final query, oh so neat,
} Concerns the circles in the wheat,
} That's a good one, for your spy,
} Could tell you who it was : I.
}
} Finally I reach the end,
} I hope to resurrect the trend,
} Of poetry and so you owe;
} More verse, more verse, and pronto!


872-09    (9pAyd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me how to find the next girl friend, since
> having lost the love of my live 4 months ago ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, affairs of the heart. The Oracle seems to have been very busy with
} these sorts of messages lately. Boy, I'll tell ya, finding the love of
} your life, that's a tall order. Let's step through the compulsaries and
} work our way up to the finals.
}
} We have to assume that your have your eye on some comely lass. If so,
} your first step is to get her attention:
}
} -  Give her a frozen potato.
} -  Spell out 'Have a nice day' in Toblerone bars on the hood of her
}    car.
} -  Jump up and down outside her window while singing "I'm a teapot"
}    loudly.
}
} Now make your move!
}
} -  Ask her out to dinner. Stop by the Aquarium supply store and have
}    her pick out the fish she'd like to eat. Offer to cook it for her.
} -  Try to get admission to a hospital operating theatre. Particularly
}    exciting are gallbladder operations.
} -  Attend the opera. Bring popcorn.
}
} The rest, my dear supplicant, is up to you. (Hint - you should
} hopefully reach a point where both of you are naked and she's holding a
} duck and a rubber spatula. We leave it up to you to figure this part
} out. I'm not gonna do *all* of your work for you!!!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of Hairbo Gummi-Bears and two spools of
} red yarn.
}
} ----------------------------------------------
} The Oracle - incarnated as
} Gary.Jeleniewski@CBIS.COM
} For all your goofy answer needs!


872-10    (dwDq7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O splendid Oracle, whose unsurpassed thigh is the biggest, who is the
> greatest attorney in cyberspace, who is a close personal friend of
> Kibo, who adores animals that see wood, and who loves randomly
> generated grovels, is it possible to be totally partial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but not completely.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of soy sauce left over from the early days.


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