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21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:04:23 GMT

Internet Oracularities #874

Goto:
874, 874-01, 874-02, 874-03, 874-04, 874-05, 874-06, 874-07, 874-08, 874-09, 874-10


Internet Oracularities #874    (108 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Dec 1996 14:27:24 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   874
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

874  108 votes 5ftFi 7lFu9 gJng8 6ixwj 5arIm akCqe 49oBy 7gNnd dfAqi 7dpxu
874   3.3 mean  3.5   3.1   2.6   3.4   3.6   3.1   3.8   3.2   3.2   3.6


874-01    (5ftFi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Otis Viles" <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most knowledgeable, most reverend and most potent Oracle, I beseech
> you to hear my plea. Grant me one pearl of knowledge from your lips,
> that I may e-mail your omnisapience across the newsgroups of the world.
>
> Every full moon, I fall prey to the illusion that I have been
> transformed into a rather unfrightening wolf. I'm not even dangerous,
> except to chickens. Please tell me, how can I give myself a slightly
> more imposing image?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, supplicant.  Why do you feel that you must change yourself to
} create a more imposing image?  Why not exploit what you already have?
} Clearly, you are imposing to chickens.  Therefore, in order to be
} more imposing to the rest of the world, you need to change the rest
} of the world into chickens.
}
} There are three basic approaches to this goal:
}
} I) Redefine your surrounding universe so that it consists of nothing
} but chickens.  This can be accomplished through a constantly warped
} imagination, controlled substances, or living quarters in a henhouse.
}
} II) Alter the current universe.  Follow this simple algorithm:
}
}   while(Alive) {
}     Entity = Find_Next_Entity() ;
}     if (Entity.species != CHICKEN)
}       Delete(Entity) ;
}   }
}
} Just as a warning, Delete() can get pretty messy.
}
} III) Label all entities as chickens.  Systematically approach each
} single entity in the universe and call it a "chicken".  This apprach,
} while time-consuming, will enable you to experience a wide variety
} of bodily injuries.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good book on set theory and a year's worth of
} self-defense classes.


874-02    (7lFu9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings O temporally astute one!
>
> My coworkers keep taking minutes of my time.  While I don't begrudge
> a minute here and there, this petty pilfering is adding up.  Do you
> know where I can get a good timelock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Have you checked Radio Shack?
}
} Waitasec, let me just...
}
} <shuffle, shuffle ... swish, FLAP!>
}
} ... yesss, right here in the Whole Metaverse Catalog.
}
} Let look in "Security, Personal" <flip!>: Wands of Zot, Zot charges
} (Heyyy! they've a new ZOT Cannon, really must try it out...).
}
} Nope, it must be under "Security, Locks, Metaphysical" <flop!>...
} Right, here it is: deadlocks, forelocks ... interlocks, schlocks ...
} timelocks.
}
} Here's a nifty model: "Anti-dweeb Timelock (CAT# MTA-5798-CRONOS):
} unbreakable triple-duty, fuzzy-logic ABS construction. Guaranteed to
} thwart even the most desperate dweeb out to waste your time. Opens only
} with special cryptokey or coffe/bagel bribe. Selective filter-thru
} design that allows access to cute opposite sex dweebs. See item
} MTA-5802-CLIPPER for optional master cryptokey for full access by boss
} of special other one. $320.00 + S/H (Milky Way residents must add 8%
} sales tax)."
}
} You owe the Oracle the time you save after you buy it, plus tax.


874-03    (gJng8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will the radiation from my computer screen for really make me sterile?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No not really, but your children will have three arms, one leg and
} fingernails in the shape of Bill Gates.
}
} You owe the Oracle and the rest of the world coitus interruptus


874-04    (6ixwj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose Brylcreemed locks shine like a slab of marble polished
> for millennia by the ass of a duck, who is the sole person over
> the age of forty who does not look ridiculous on a Harley Davidson,
> who could even wear a pony tail at his age without causing folks to
> snicker, please entertain my query:
>
> My brother Sheldon was just eating a peanut butter and jam sandwich,
> when he began thrashing around the room, pointing to his throat,
> and giving me other hand signals I couldn't quite follow.  He then
> jumped off the table and planted his sternum hard against the back of
> a chair repeatedly.  I was sure this smarted so I tried to warn him
> off of continuing.  He then somehow began changing his skin colour,
> like he was a chameleon or something, and made a noise not unlike
> a bullfrog. I then became really worried about him and decided I
> had better loon and get an expert opinion.
>
> It has since gotten pretty quiet down there, so maybe the episode
> has already passed. Nevertheless, what is wrong with him?  Is it
> contagious? Can it be treated homeopathically?
>
> Thanks for anything you can do for Sheldon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's passed. Sheldon has had a little attack of "death". While death
} is often not contageous, it's usually inconvenient for all involved.
} As for treating it homeopathically, it has been shown that small
} doses of death have no effect upon actual death, either before or
} after the onset.
}
} The only course of action is to put Shelby in a box and bury the
} box somewhere convenient. Put a large rock near where his head is,
} and write his name on it.  His chances of recovery are increased if
} you occasionally leave a flower on the rock.
}
} Don't get your hopes up -- death is usually fatal. But make sure you
} remain cheery and happy! It's no fun going through death, and Sheldon
} is probably not enjoying himself. Besides, you'll be going through
} death yourself soon enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle a chain of drive-through funeral homes and a hearse
} that can do 0-60 at four G's.


874-05    (5arIm dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      If "diamonds are a girls best friend" how come "a mans best friend
>      is his dog".

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well it's obviously because women attach an excessive importance to
} material objects, while men prize love and companionship.
}
}     *WHAP*
}
} Ow! Oh Lisa, I didn't see you there. No, of course I didn't- I would
} never- let me expla- if I can just-
}
}     *SLAM*
}
} Oh, that's just great. Now I'm going to have to buy her that necklace
} she wanted before she'll even speak to me again.
}
} Wait a minute...
}
} You owe the Oracle a 14 carat gold chain holding a diamond solitaire
} of not less than 6 carats. And matching earrings would probably go
} down well too. And a puppy.


874-06    (akCqe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most supercalifragilisticexpiallydocious Oracle, whose VCR clock I
> am unworthy to set, tell me why this last Oracularities (#873) was so
> incredibly funny. I am a very tough critic, and I sent in six items
> with 5 ratings! (Numbers 1, 2, 3, 7, 9 & 10, if you must know.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's pledge week.
}
} You owe the Oracle a PBS membership at the one hundred dollar level.


874-07    (49oBy dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most profound and wondrous, please tell me the answer to this
> my most humble question:
>
> When I put my socks in the laundry, there are of course always an
> even number.  Whenever I take my socks out of the laundry, there are
> an odd number.  Where does the extra sock from each load go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh* Do you have any idea how often I'm asked this? Maybe not as
} often as the Woo- the Woodch- THAT question, but often, nevertheless.
} Still, a deal is a deal, right?
}
} Socks occur naturally in a number of isotopes, just like everything
} else - elements, ballpoint pens, car keys for example. While most
} socks are the perfectly stable So-199, a small percentage are of the
} volatile isotope So-201.
}
} During the hot agitation of a typical laundry cycle, an unstable sock
} can be tipped over the edge and spontaneously decay into Sp-198 (an
} element with the appearance of a soggy unrecognisable wad of paper)
} and a number of lintons. The lintons are attracted to the filter at the
} back of the machine by it's rotating magnetic field and build up there.
}
} It is important to regularly clean out the filter, as too many lintons
} in one place can reach critical mass and irradiate the other garments.
} Usually one absorbs the majority of the radiation, being next to the
} filter. This garment turns bright red and emits secondary radiation
} that colours everything else pink.
}
} That's all we have time for on this weeks episode of "Laundry
} Science!", but be sure to tune in next week when we'll be asking how
} someone gets blood, sweat, gravy, egg and jam all on one shirt.
}
} You owe the Oracle a level four containment field for his dryer.


874-08    (7gNnd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, can you tell me the difference among the
> following. Conservative, Liberal, Utopian?
>
> Thank you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Conservative is the one in the three piece suit.  He cautiously
} agrees that evolution is a good idea, has been married for 30 years,
} and is a fan of Masterpiece Theater.
}
} The Liberal is the one in jeans.  He's having his children genetically
} engineered, has just finished his third divorce, and watches MTV.
}
} The Utopian is wearing a straightjacket.  He's raving something about
} concentration camps, he's sterile, and he likes to watch paint dry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of Prozac.


874-09    (dfAqi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo hey Oracle, you go:
>
> What's this large orange cable doing here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DON'T TOUCH THAT CABLE!  AND DEFINATELY DON'T PULL IT OUT OF THE WA
}
} <Pull>
}
} Supplicant:  Oops... <Puts plug back in wall>
}
} >Internet Oracle system v2000 online
} >
} >login:
}
} Supplicant:  <grin>
}
} >login:  kinzler
} >password file damaged, starting new password file
} >password:  ********
} >verify:  ********
} >
} kinzler>  set ALLOW_WOODCHUCK = 1
} kinzler>  set ALLOW_ZOT = 0
} kinzler>  set ALLOW_PAYMENT = 0
} kinzler>  set PERCENT_ACCURATE = 100
} kinzler>  run
}
} This is your nice, sweet Internet Oracle, ready to help you with any
} question you may have...
}
} Supplicant:  HaHaHaHaHa...


874-10    (7dpxu dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, for many years I have been a devout atheist.  But
> recently, someone asked me a question which has shaken my disbeliefs to
> their very core.  Please, oh great one, bolster my shaken confidence
> and tell me truly:
>
> If there is no God, who pulls the next Kleenex out of the box?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, the problem of the Kleenex.  Many philosophers and theologians
} have studied this question, drawing a striking variety of conclusions.
}
} The orthodox Christian position:  There is a special providence in the
}    pull of a Kleenex.
}
} The Calvinist position:  Each Kleenex was predestined to come out of
}    the box from before the beginning of time.
}
} The Catholic position:  During use, the Kleenex actually becomes the
}    mucus of Christ.
}
} The Pentecostal position:  Egy nogro chooly ba loverolty caride
}    rappeniate penatip kungly Kleenex!  Yes, Lord!
}
} The Islamic position:  The glory of Allah is reflected in the Kleenex.
}    For this reason the Kleenex must be venerated as a sacred symbol,
}    and unbelievers who fail to show proper respect must die.  Women
}    are not allowed to touch a Kleenex in public.
}
} The Buddhist position:  Meditate on the Kleenex, Grasshopper, and
}    learn humility.  For such may be *your* fate on the next turn of
}    the Wheel.  When you have learned to recognize the Buddha-nature
}    in the Kleenex, you will be closer to enlightenment, and thus you
}    may avoid blowing your chance of Nirvana.
}
} The Scientology position:  The solution to the mystery of the Kleenex
}    is a trade secret, and cannot be divulged to outsiders.  It is only
}    revealed to Thetans who have attained level $50K or higher.
}
} The new age position:  God has nothing to do with it.  The Kleenex
}    are moved by the ancient, holistic technology of Atlantis.  If no
}    crystals are available, crumpled Kleenex can be used to dispel
}    negativity and "bad vibes".
}
} The Marxist position:  The Kleenex come out of the box as a result of
}    the historically inevitable triumph of the masses.  Due to their
}    ignorance of dialectical forces, we can actually expect the
}    capitalists to sell us Kleenex.
}
} The X-Files position:  Kleenex is an alien technology obtained from
}    the Roswell spacecraft by the government, which has subverted that
}    technology to monitor the blood chemistry of citizens everywhere.
}    (A more advanced "mind control" tissue is in the works.)
}
} The skeptical position:  Actually, Kleenex doesn't come out of
}    the box at all.  This is an illusion easily duplicated by stage
}    magicians, performed by charlatans intent on defrauding the
}    gullible.
}
} To be honest, Supplicant, none of these theories is truly correct.
} According to *my* sources, Kleenex is a tool of Satan, created to
} lead us into debauchery and sins of the flesh.  This is why Kleenex
} is often referred to as a "tissue of lies".
}
} You owe the Oracle an effective antibiotic.  And God bless!


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