} Ah yes, the problem of the Kleenex. Many philosophers and theologians
} have studied this question, drawing a striking variety of conclusions.
} The orthodox Christian position: There is a special providence in the
} pull of a Kleenex.
} The Calvinist position: Each Kleenex was predestined to come out of
} the box from before the beginning of time.
} The Catholic position: During use, the Kleenex actually becomes the
} mucus of Christ.
} The Pentecostal position: Egy nogro chooly ba loverolty caride
} rappeniate penatip kungly Kleenex! Yes, Lord!
} The Islamic position: The glory of Allah is reflected in the Kleenex.
} For this reason the Kleenex must be venerated as a sacred symbol,
} and unbelievers who fail to show proper respect must die. Women
} are not allowed to touch a Kleenex in public.
} The Buddhist position: Meditate on the Kleenex, Grasshopper, and
} learn humility. For such may be *your* fate on the next turn of
} the Wheel. When you have learned to recognize the Buddha-nature
} in the Kleenex, you will be closer to enlightenment, and thus you
} may avoid blowing your chance of Nirvana.
} The Scientology position: The solution to the mystery of the Kleenex
} is a trade secret, and cannot be divulged to outsiders. It is only
} revealed to Thetans who have attained level $50K or higher.
} The new age position: God has nothing to do with it. The Kleenex
} are moved by the ancient, holistic technology of Atlantis. If no
} crystals are available, crumpled Kleenex can be used to dispel
} negativity and "bad vibes".
} The Marxist position: The Kleenex come out of the box as a result of
} the historically inevitable triumph of the masses. Due to their
} ignorance of dialectical forces, we can actually expect the
} capitalists to sell us Kleenex.
} The X-Files position: Kleenex is an alien technology obtained from
} the Roswell spacecraft by the government, which has subverted that
} technology to monitor the blood chemistry of citizens everywhere.
} (A more advanced "mind control" tissue is in the works.)
} The skeptical position: Actually, Kleenex doesn't come out of
} the box at all. This is an illusion easily duplicated by stage
} magicians, performed by charlatans intent on defrauding the
} To be honest, Supplicant, none of these theories is truly correct.
} According to *my* sources, Kleenex is a tool of Satan, created to
} lead us into debauchery and sins of the flesh. This is why Kleenex
} is often referred to as a "tissue of lies".
} You owe the Oracle an effective antibiotic. And God bless!