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Internet Oracularities #875

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875, 875-01, 875-02, 875-03, 875-04, 875-05, 875-06, 875-07, 875-08, 875-09, 875-10


Internet Oracularities #875    (113 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 22 Dec 1996 18:33:54 -0500 (EST)

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   875
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

875  113 votes brHjd 7tzwa iAul8 7dEHa 6eEAh 9vJn5 27pJy 3nwqt blkFk eqsxc
875   3.2 mean  3.0   3.1   2.7   3.3   3.4   2.9   3.9   3.5   3.3   3.0


875-01    (brHjd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most toothy when teasing tarantulas,
>
> tell me: what creative uses have you found for dental floss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lo, many and varied are the uses for dental floss.  Siddown and lemme
} sling a couple atcha.
}
} Make cats-cradles.  Use it as yo-yo string.  Learn to crochet lace
} with it.  Restring your guitar.  Thread a needle with it and sew on
} that wayward button (added benefit: your shirt will smell minty-fresh).
}  Tie a fishhook and lure on the end and go fishing.  Use as kite
} string.  Find a sleeping sunbather and tie him to the beach a la the
} Lilliputians. Practice full-contact macrame.  Make a lovely toupee.
} Barricade the stairs with a giant flossy spiderweb.  Check its tensile
} strength by bungee-jumping.  Dip in wax and VOILA, instant candle.
} Brown paper packages tied up with floss, these are a few of my favorite
} things... Garrotte a dear friend.  Tease a cat.  Cross-stitch a
} snowstorm.  Spelunk. Tie your girlfriend/boyfriend/*friend to the bed.
} Throw it from the balcony during an opera, confusing those in the
} orchestra pit.  Sew together a book binding.  Hang random lengths from
} the ceiling with duct tape (don't even get me started on the many uses
} of duct tape, Supplicant, we could be here all night).  Use it to hold
} up the dragging muffler on your Pinto.  And, if you're really
} desperate, you can use it to remove food particles from between your
} teeth, but that's kinda nasty.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hundred uses for fruitcake.


875-02    (7tzwa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> Is it okay to go into a crowded firehouse and yell "Theatre"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What can I say?  You've already made the joke here.  You don't want
} an answer to this question, you just want something good enough to
} make the Oracluarities so everyone else can see how funny *you* are.
} Well, I'm not going to take this kind of abuse anymore!  Ya hear me!
} I'm not going to play along with you!  If you've got a real question,
} ask it!  If not, get out of my face!  I do this on my own time,
} remember, and ...
}
} Ahhhhhhhhh!
}
} [Lisa removes the syringe from the Oracles neck.]
}
} [The oracle slumps over the keyboard.]
}
} hbnmgfyr45
}
} Ignore that last bit.  The orac ... errr, I was just a little
} stressed.  Of course it's OK to run into a firehouse and yell,
} "Theatre!"  Just remember, firemen have lots and lots of
} high-pressure water hoses that they might use to repel insane
} intruders.
}
} You owe the oracle a refill on his Prozac perscription.


875-03    (iAul8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great inscrutable but no doubt meaningful Oracle, in response to a
> recent question, you wisely replied "GET A FKING LIFE YOU GEEK".  Last
> time I checked, I had a life (and since your response mercifully did
> not include a ZOT, I probably still do).  Further, it seems like it's
> in pretty fair shape, and likely to last for another 40 years anyway.
> Still, I'm sure you know best.  What sort of LIFE would you recommend
> instead?  (I know you said a FKING LIFE, but could you be a little
> more specific?)
>
> Thanks for your help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cinnamon.  It's much better than the original flavor.  Just ask Mikey.
}
} You owe the Oracle some milk, juice, and toast to make this breakfast
} complete.


875-04    (7dEHa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I get some stupid watch this Christmas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course not!  You'll get the finest watch that money can't buy,
} the Oracular Quartz!  Solar-powered, self-winding, shows day, date,
} physical location relative to Earth and four major hubs of galactic
} trade, seven dimensional coordinates, current artist, track, and disc
} in its internal space-folding CD player, 74-function 9E7-variable
} calculator, voice-recognition system, night-lamp, auto-pilot,
} micro-Cray, Unix-based Win95/NT-emulating, 7-GB of internal random
} access storage -- but the included system that passed the Turing
} test 10 years ago guarantees that it's the smartest watch in all of
} existance, and then some!
}
} Unfortunately, it doesn't show the time.
}
} You owe the Oracle an authentic Rolex bought from a NY street vendor.


875-05    (6eEAh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,where is the woman of my life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The woman of your life, eh?  Let me peer into my Crystal Orb Of
} Matchmaking and see what I spy.
}
} Hmm, it's very foggy in here -- the orb is taking a long time with
} this.  Wanna hear a joke while I wait?  Well, okay -- a jackal and
} a yak walk into this bar, and the jackal says to the bartender, "My
} yak friend's having a really bad day.  Give him whatever he wants,
} and put it on my tab."  And the bartender says, --
}
} -- oh wait, here comes something now.  The clouds are clearing.  I see
} a partially erected mall in Provo, UT.  There's a crane shovelling
} dirt.  A woman is sitting in the operator's seat.  She's about 5'2,
} built kinda like OJ but with bigger legs, and she's got 1/4" buzzed
} black hair.  Hmm, I didn't think women got bald spots like that. . .
}
} Anyway, there's a bumblebee flying around her face.  She's grabbing
} the bumblebee between her fingers and squashes it.  Now she's wiping
} her fingers on her shorts.  Her arms are pretty tan, but her legs
} are white as a sheet.
}
} Hmm, her lunchbox is on the floor of the crane.  Bologna and cheese
} on white, heavy mayo, and a whole bag of Oreo's.
}
} Wait, she's saying something to one of the guys on the ground.
} "Watch where yer goin', asswipe."  She flips him the bird and spits.
} As she waits for the guy to get out of her way, she grabs the Weekly
} World Tabloid next to her and browses through the personals.  She scans
} through a couple of ads and then circles a phone number with her neon
} peach lipstick.  "Mistah, dis is yo lucky day", she says.
}
} Her name is Colossa.  She'll be phoning you when she gets off work
} at 5:30.  I'd be waiting by the phone when she calls -- women like
} her are one in a million, you know.


875-06    (9vJn5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Chuckie, how many marshmallows might a mongoose mash if a
> mongoose meant to mash marshmallows?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah supplicant, your question is of many parts.  First we must ask what
} sort of marshmallows are we dealing with here?  A mongoose might easily
} be overmatched if it purchased the extra-large campfire type, but might
} have more luck with the hot cocoa variety.
}
} Further, suppose our mongoose was tempted to eat one?  Could he then
} stop and continue with the mashing?  Have YOU ever eaten just ONE
} marshmallow?!   Neither has the Oracle...and I am omnipotent!
}
} Now, what sort of mashing are we envisioning?  Is the mongoose bouncing
} up and down like a jackhammer on a bag of Stay-Puft, or is he taking
} one at a time, placing it between his paws and slowly squashing the
} offensive white goo, enjoying its texture and consistency?
}
} The question here, then, is not just of how many marshmallows, but of
} the motivation behind the act.  Do mongeese (mongooses?) pray to the
} God of Campfires who demands a sacrifice, but has grown tired of
} children in uniform singing stupid songs?  Or perhaps this particular
} mongoose has suffered greatly in a recent battle with something less
} dangerous, an African Cobra perhaps, and seeks to affirm his savegry by
} attacking what we all know is its archenemy in the wilderness.
}
} A detailed analysis is, therefore, required to answer this question,
} but fortunately, you have contacted the Oracle who is faster than the
} fastest computer (I can do 1,000,000,000,001 calculations per
} second...eat THAT Intel!).
}
} So, clearly, the answer to your ponderous, but intriguing question is
} 3165.02 marshmallows after which the mongoose will die from intestinal
} blockage caused by only mashing one out of every 16 marshmallows and
} eating the rest.
}
} Oh, and don't call me "Chuckie"...that life is gone for me now.
}
} You owe the Oracle a campfire, a bag of dried fruit and a nametag.


875-07    (27pJy dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Janis Joplin is dead, Jim Morrison is dead, WHY Engelbert is alive ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, Engelbert. I believe this extract from the
} minutes of a recent Universe Board Meeting will prove
} enlightening:
} ...
} God  : You take him.
} Satan: No, you take him.
} God  : NO, YOU take him.
} Satan: I've got to take Jackson.
} God  : Well, I've got to take the Osmonds, but you don't
}        see me complaining.
} Allah: <snicker>
} God  : And you can pipe down or we'll pull another Cat
}        Stevens on you.
} Allah: You wouldn't dare.
} God  : Would you care to step outside and say that?
} ...
}
} So you can see your problem is receiving attention at
} the very highest level, but until it's resolved he can't
} be allowed to die.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cd of 'Engelbert Humperdinck calls
} the Faithful to Prayer'.


875-08    (3nwqt dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Oracle, in the sky,
> Answer my question, or surely I'll die,
> Please oh Please oh Please tell me why,
> A fly can't bird but a bird can fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh silly old supplicant, stuck in the mud,
} How the heck do you find time to think up this crud?
} But bound by my office, I'll answer your question
} as much as this meter does foul my digestion:
}
} Well a fox ain't a lady, but some ladies are foxy,
} And a horse can be a mister if that horse has got moxy,
} Yet though my pants have flies, dang, no flies wear pants,
} Could I have so thoroughly confused you cringing sycophants?
}
} While you say "tomato", and I say "tomawto",
} You could stuff all your questions if I won the lotto,
} But the next time a house fly is in your house, flying, you see,
} shoot him with a telephoto lens most carefully.
}
} Then print the results, enlarged to the max,
} and prepare to bear witness to the incredible facts.
} You will see the little fly, and swallow your word,
} Plainly shown snickering at you, and flipping the bird.


875-09    (blkFk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle so perfect in so many ways, what ever happen to COBAL?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was replaced with a language with a better spell-checker.


875-10    (eqsxc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      what is ISO9000 really?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to my procedure (Blue-book 3, section 2, sub-section 34,
} paragraph 12), I'm required to *ZOT* the askers of questions without a
} grovel.
}
} *ZOT*
}
} I'm now supposed to demand a gift, even though I *ZOT*ted you
} (Yellow-book 18, section 43, sub-section 21, paragraph 3).
}
} You owe a the Oracle a management craze in which the managers just
} leave employees alone to actually get work done.


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