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Internet Oracularities #876

Goto:
876, 876-01, 876-02, 876-03, 876-04, 876-05, 876-06, 876-07, 876-08, 876-09, 876-10


Internet Oracularities #876    (115 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 1997 15:00:28 -0500 (EST)

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   876
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

876  115 votes aCEha 7Itob jrys7 kpDgf mrFi7 8fwCm 7ivzo 8OIc1 3cjyL bdAEf
876   3.1 mean  2.8   2.9   2.8   2.8   2.7   3.4   3.4   2.5   4.0   3.3


876-01    (aCEha dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose superlativeness is such that after you run a
> marathon, your socks smell sweeter than the finest flower grown by man,
> please help this humble supplicant:
>
> Why do my waffles always stick to the waffle iron?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's the trouble, sir. You're using an iron. Here's what you do.
} You sight between the waffle and the hole. Do you see how it breaks
} a bit to the right? You should use this driver. Keep your shoulders
} straight, and remember to follow through.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice tip.


876-02    (7Itob dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cool Oracle, if I want to save the person I call absolutely the MOST
> possible money, what number should I dial?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 9-1-1. The taxpayers will foot the complete bill there. Since you
} should be aware reporting a false emergency subjects you to criminal
} penalties, it may be the better part of wisdom to create an emergency
} first. If hacking off a toe doesn't appeal to you, perhaps you could
} set about attempting to get some candid video for America's Funniest
} Lame Videos- that usually seems to led to the need for urgent medical
} intervention.
}       You owe the Oracle a guest shot. Any guest, at random, they all
} irritate me.


876-03    (jrys7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He-he.  He-he-he.  Sorry.  Bwahahaha! Ha-ha!  Can't help it!  <giggle>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle stares his terminal and sighes.
}
} Oracle:  LISA!!!!!!
}
} Lisa:  Yes, Orrie?
}
} ORACLE: LOOK AT THIS!!!
}
} Lisa gets up and slinks over to the terminal, looks at the question,
} and blushes.
}
} Lisa: Oops! Sorry, Orrie.
}
} Oracle: Dearest, you did promise that you would stop cruising through
} the waiting room in your black teddy any more.
}
} Lisa: I know, but they look so cute with their eyes bugged out and
} their jaws on the floor.
}
} Oracle: Sigh.   ZADOC!!
}
} Zadoc:  Yes, oh omniscient one?
}
} Oracle:  Lisa did the teddy bit, again.  Go get the cure.
}
} Zadoc (grovelling in abject horror):  Please!! Not ME!!! Have mercy!!
}
} Oracle:  Get to it, I have to reply to this.
}
} Dear(ranged) Supplicant,
}
} Your wits are in the garbage can, under Zadoc's 3 week-old Spam
} sandwich. Get them and return to your seat.  Zadoc will be along with
} the cure shortly.
}
} You owe Zadoc the lunch you will lose shortly when Newt Gingrich
} waltzes through the waiting room wearing nothing but a black teddy.


876-04    (kpDgf dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I zapped my PRAM today!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very good. So few people understand the utility of high voltage in
} training squalling little babies to contain their racket and stench.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Barney Unplugged.


876-05    (mrFi7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Hopeless Drunkard Oracle,
>
> Suggest me a mixed drink for next week's New Year's Eve party.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Molotov if you live in Tsjechenia, Yugoslavia, Northern Ireland, Peru,
} Baskcountry, Algeria, Rwanda or East-Timor.
}
} You owe the Oracle live footage on CNN


876-06    (8fwCm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please Orrie, could you tell me why I should never end a sentence
> in a preopsition?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After reading your question, I wrote it down.  I thought it over.  I
} tried to figure it out.  Here is the answer I came up with.
}
} My english teacher said not to.  He said sentences would be messed up.
} Nobody would understand what you're talking about.
}
} A preposition is something you have to be very careful with.  The end
} of the sentence is not where it should go.  An object is what a
} preposition is for. Without an object, the prepostion just hangs out.
}
} You owe the Orrie a Webster's Dictionary with all the prepositions
} taken out.


876-07    (7ivzo dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He never calls. Should I castrate him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes. Hidden in his testicles is a tiny implant which sends bursts of
} low voltage to his frontal lobe every time he thinks of you while
} touching a telephone. It releases similar bursts every time the thought
} "we're lost" is followed by "I should stop and ask directions," and
} "she looks nice tonight" is paired with "I should tell her so." The
} implant was placed by the sinister Masculine Amorality Network when he
} was just a slip of a lad. Do him a favor: slice them off, throw them to
} the ground and stomp on them with golf shoes. He may be upset for a
} moment, but in the long run he'll see the wisdom of what you've done.
}
} You owe Lis -- erm, the Oracle, a plate of Rocky Mountain oysters.


876-08    (8OIc1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Orrie, If you could change the Star and Stripes.
> How would you make it look like ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has always been partial to the Jolly Roger.  There's
} something about a skull and crossbones (which the Oracle has always
} assumed to be a representation, created by grateful pirates, of the
} carcass of a Supplicant) which never fails to cheer the Oracle up.
}
} But, since after all *anyone* can use the Jolly Roger, we'll customize
} it for use as the American flag by putting Sally Jessy Raphael's 800
} number at the bottom of the flag, below the crossbones.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pan of baklava.


876-09    (3cjyL dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what, exactly, must be done for the United States
> to launch atomic missles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...well, I guess I'll assume you're asking this question for purely
} academic reasons, not for malicious intent.  Here goes:
}
} 1. The President consults with his advisors.
}
} 2. Following the meeting, his advisors race to the phone in an effort
} to be first to call in to "Larry King Live" and claim they, personally,
} had absolutely nothing to do with it.
}
} 3. The President asks the Air Force officer who always follows him
} around to open the locked briefcase carrying the authentication codes.
}
} 4. Several moments of consternation when the Air Force officer is
} nowhere to be found.
}
} 5. The Air Force officer returns from the restroom.
}
} 6. The briefcase is opened.
}
} 7. The President picks up the phone and presses the speed-dial button
} for Strategic Air Command headquarters in Nebraska.
}
} 8. The President reads the authentication codes, then repeats them.
}
} 9. The guy at Domino's tells him he pressed the wrong speed-dial button
} again.
}
} 10. Annoyed, the President calls Directory Assistance to get the SAC
} secret phone number.
}
} 11. The Directory Assistance operator tells the President that the part
} of Nebraska that contains SAC headquarters has been split off into
} another area code, so he'll have to call Directory Assistance for that
} area code.
}
} 12. Just as the President is about to call the whole thing off, SAC
} calls him because they were concerned about something they just saw on
} "Larry King Live."
}
} 13. See Step 8.
}
} 14. SAC realizes that the missiles aren't pointing in the right
} direction, and it will take over 2 hours to aim them correctly.
}
} 15. They try to call the President back, but he's busy activating the
} Emergency Broadcast System.
}
} 16. NBC refuses to interrupt "Must See TV" for something as trivial as
} nuclear war.  ABC and CBS also refuse because they need all the ratings
} they can get.  UPN agrees to activate the EBS, but only if the
} President will call back on a night when they actually have some
} programming (Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday).
}
} 17. Finally, the President calls the Home Shopping Network, which
} points out to him that the Emergency Broadcast System was just recently
} replaced by the Emergency Alert System, which has a completely
} different procedure for Presidential activation.
}
} 18. The President throws up his hands and tries to call SAC back to
} cancel the whole thing, but gets a busy signal because SAC is still
} trying to call him.
}
} 19. The President gets very nervous and decides to take off for his
} secret hideout in Virginia.
}
} 20. SAC finally gets through to the Oval Office, and gets the Vice
} President, who becomes enraged at the fact that the President never
} tells him anything.  He tells them to just forget about it.
}
} 21. Larry King chalks the whole thing up to prank phone callers and
} gets on with his hard-hitting interview of Mary Tyler Moore.
}
} 22. Three days later, the President pokes his head out the door of the
} secret hideout.  Finding the world still there, he spends the
} helicopter ride back to the White House thinking up a good excuse to
} tell the First Lady.
}
} 23. The House of Representatives launches an ethics investigation.
}
} There are some who say we must remain forever vigilant to make sure
} this scenario never occurs.  There are others who say this scenario has
} already occurred.  Several times.
}
} You owe the Oracle some iodine pills and a lead-lined jacket.


876-10    (bdAEf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does stamp glue taste so magically delicious??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The glue actually contains a highly addictive drug designed by the post
} office in an attempt to increase sales. Not only does it taste, as you
} put it, magically delicious, it also triggers specific
} neurotransmitters in the brain, called "gruntles". These increased
} gruntle levels tend to promote the desire to lick more stamps.
}
} In advanced cases, stamp lickers may go to extreme lengths to procure
} stamps, often applying for a job as a postal worker. They start by
} steaming a few stamps off of letters they pick up on the route.
} Eventually, they try to steal a roll or two back at the office.
}
} Occasionally, a postal worker will be unable to score even a postcard
} stamp. The neurotransmitter level drops, and "disgruntlement" set in.
} Symptoms of disgruntlement include mood swings, disassociation from
} reality, and a strong desire to purchase firearms.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of John "Cliffy"
} Ratzenberger.


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