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Internet Oracularities #878

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878, 878-01, 878-02, 878-03, 878-04, 878-05, 878-06, 878-07, 878-08, 878-09, 878-10


Internet Oracularities #878    (116 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 1997 00:10:35 -0500 (EST)

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878  116 votes cABjc boFrd asBoh fHCi2 76yBw lCtk8 9qxzd bvGkc cvwub dBHe9
878   3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   3.1   2.6   3.7   2.6   3.1   2.9   3.0   2.7


878-01    (cABjc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, in whos feculance I am unworthy to wallow,
> please answer your wretched supplicant's most humble question:
> If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So long as you have a valid tourist-hunting license, o Supplicant,
} there is no reason that you can't shoot 'em.  Of course, the laws in
} some locales vary...and I see that YOUR particular town prohibits
} hunting w/projectile weapons in populated areas (a reasonable safety
} precaution, actually).
}
} You owe the Oracle a tourist-skin jacket.


878-02    (boFrd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Theres this guy down the street.  He has a MC-202, 2 SH-101s, a digital
> FX box, and a 4 track portastudio, and he's coming up with some of the
> coolest electronica a la Jean Michel Jarre I've ever heard.  Why did I
> buy all this crap gear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have been cursed by Olufsen, God of Audio Equipment. In a
} past life, you were Roland Moogson, itinerant instrument maker,
} and you made a mandolin so sublime that you claimed it was
} better than those of the gods themselves. This is never a good
} idea, as many throughout history will testify, and Olufsen
} punished you for your hubris by dropping a harpsichord on you.
}
} But this wasn't enough; and so he punished you by ensuring
} that your next ten reincarnations would not only be incapable
} of _making_ instruments, but would also be unable to buy any
} decent audio equipment. This explains your 8-track cartridge
} system, the stylophone and the Bontempi.
}
} But, cheer up! This is the last incarnation under the curse. In
} your next life, you will design the ultimate instrument capable
} of converting brainwaves into a full orchestra sound. Just
} remember not to go on about how good it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle some betamax videos and a laserdisc. Truly
} the gods are fickle.


878-03    (asBoh dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This fall, I ended a three-year relationship with a man who for the
> past year did nothing but take me on That Great Train Ride through
> Disfunction Junction.  And so I ask, what *do* men want, anyway???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A three-foot high woman with handles for ears and a head flat enough to
} rest a beer can upon.
}
} It's an old joke, but sadly accurate.  Men are shallow; women joke
} about this, men admit to this, but no one wants to believe it.
}
} If you want commitment, get a dog.  For those things for which dogs
} aren't appropriate, battery-operated appliances will do.
}
} For betraying his gender, you owe the Oracle sanctuary.


878-04    (fHCi2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any more rain or snow coming any time soon, Oracle?
> Last week wasn't much fun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sympathize, Bill.  Your high-technology fun DOES get disrupted when
} all the power lines are buried under several feet of snow and fallen
} trees. But don't worry, Puget Power is on the case.
}
} And just think, only $20 million more until you finish your house!
}
} You owe the Oracle one honkin' big generator.


878-05    (76yBw dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows all and tells most, why do people blame a deity for
> their own stupidity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} God only knows.


878-06    (lCtk8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How much fish could a fishchuck chuck if a fishchuck could chuck
> fish (and indeed, existed)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About a cod an hour.


878-07    (9qxzd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and all-purpose Oracle, being of sound mind and body: what
> happens when a cemetery runs out of space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Landfill manager's answer: No problem. Turn it in to a park.
}
} Programmer's answer: No problem. malloc() another 10K.
}
} EMACS programmer's answer: No problem. malloc() another megabyte!
}
} Flight Attendant's answer: No problem. Would you like this
} complimentary packet of peanuts?
}
} Astronaut's answer: No problem. Space is infinite!
}
} Physician's answer: No problem. And stop blaming me!
}
} Politician's answer: No problem. We'll form a task force to look into
} the situation and report to sub-committee in eight to twelve months.
}
} Telephone operator's answer: No problem. Try again in a few minutes.
}
} Police officer's answer: No problem. Nothing to see here. Move along.
}
} Martha Stewart's answer: No problem. Do you see this lovely embroidered
} tombstone cozy I've made? It's certain to make the old boneyard a
} warmer place.
}
} Ross Perot's answer: No problem. I'll buy it for $120,000.
}
} Supermodel's answer: No problem. I didn't understand the question.
}
} You owe the Oracle a little Lebensraum.


878-08    (bvGkc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sagacious,
>
> What's the story on those new Energizer battery commercials where a
> few chaps are out looking for that damn rabbit but instead have a
> mistaken sighting and are heard to utter, "It's only a woodchuck"?
> Is someone just trying to tee you off?
>
> A concerned supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *SIGH*
}
} Why are these Woodchuck questions still going, and going, and going?
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of the Energizer bunny.


878-09    (cvwub dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise Oracle why must we be suspicious of all politicians and
> men in yellow rain coats?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't ASK questions like that....
}
} Don't you know they're out there... Watching... Listening....
} WAITING!!!!
}
} They have access to every computer system in the world so even this
} transmission is being bugged...
}
} Run, run while you can!!
}
} They will catch you in the end, but every minute you're free is a
} bonus....
}
} And hurry, they're pu%$ &^*)
}
} [connection closed by foreign host]


878-10    (dBHe9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, liturgically literate, libaciously libidinous --
>
> I've heard people talk about 'poetic licence'. Where
> can I get one, too???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First you have to apply for form PL1034A321 with form PL1034B312.
}
} You can get form PL1034B312 from your nearest post office, or send off
} for it by writing to Poetic Licence Board
}                  PO BOX PL103
}                  John'O'Groats
}                  Scotland
}
} Enclosing $400 or 100 Pounds Sterling.
} In Cash.
}
} After filling in the form, which requires 3 recent photos of you and 4
} pieces of poetry written by you (which must be verified by 5
} unconnected lawyers and one librarian.)
}
} After waiting for about 2 months, you *SHOULD* receive form PL1034A321,
} which should be filled out in triplicate by a one eyed author called
} Brian.
}
} Once this has been filled in, your poetry will be graded, and the grade
} will be included on your licence.
}
} You will only be able to use the licence for that SPECIFIC grade,
} unless you require an extention, in which case you need form
} PL104D653/EXT1.
}
} You owe the Oracle completed forms OR432Q23 and OR5492Z334 in order for
} him to answer your next question.


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