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Internet Oracularities #879

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879, 879-01, 879-02, 879-03, 879-04, 879-05, 879-06, 879-07, 879-08, 879-09, 879-10


Internet Oracularities #879    (107 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 1997 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

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879  107 votes 8pDnc huyfb 3eoKk 7rtA8 cgjCm 7ptxd 4hzwj 9pvx9 dlxmi dgIs6
879   3.2 mean  3.1   2.7   3.6   3.1   3.4   3.2   3.4   3.1   3.1   3.0


879-01    (8pDnc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, you know the works!
>
> Please explain the following to me. In my country (Denmark) we have
> an Internet provider running a TV commercial in which you see a dog
> waiting until late in the evening. When its humans have gone to bed,
> the dog walks to the computer room and starts working with the PC.
>
> The next morning: Doorbells, father opens the door and outside is a
> known actor delivering a dog kennel with his trailer and car. Actor
> goes: "Here's the kennel you wanted to see then". In Denmark a
> kennel is a "hundehus".
>
> I have now written to the Internet provider, asking where the dog
> have found this "hundehus". You see every web search mechanism on
> the net know to me cannot come up with a web based provider of
> "hundehuse". The answer from the provider was sort of ridiculous.
>
> Under these very serious circumstances I see no way other than
> seeking advice from you, the oracle. Please help!
>
> Is the provider telling lies about dogs and computers? Or did the
> dog search in other countries? And if so, how did it manage to get a
> danish actor to deliver the kennel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do indeed know the works, my Danish compadre, and it certainly should
} include grovelling of SOME kind!  Yeesh!  Do you think I do this for
} fun?
}
} Anyway, you were so very close with your logic...if only you had taken
} one more step you would have realized that the dog probably connected
} to the ARFANET rather than your garden variety services.  Using his
} special doggy software (Windowing Object-Oriented Frontend, I would
} imagine), he quickly sniffed the Web using a special doggy browser
} (Bowwowsaic, I would imagine) and a special doggy search engine
} (Yowlhoo, I would imagine).  And of course, he had to search for a
} "hundehuse" so that he could spend some of his Screen Actors' Guilders
} on a Dutch actor.  How a dog could end up with SAGs is left as an
} exercise for anyone but me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a systems engineer smart enough to write software
} for dogs.


879-02    (huyfb dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I trust you are doing jolly well, old chap?
>
> All things aside, I must say that I thoroughly enjoy the new decor of
> your charming new country home.  Have you heard about the Queeeen...?"
>
> Is there any way you could make the Brits all like those wily Monty
> Python chap- er, guys?  All this chap, bloody, and jolly crap makes me
> feel like a freaking wax willy.
>
> -Edward J. Buxom III

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry. God made Britons in his own image, and I can't touch them.
}
} (Yes, this would make God a tea-loving, holier-than-thou xenophobe. Not
} completely surprising, is it?)


879-03    (3eoKk dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes your life so special are you married, any children, are you
> having an affair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh*
}
} Lisa, you can't fool an omniscient being. I know it's you. Although the
} AOL address is a nice touch.
}
} And you've got to learn to trust me. I was just posing. They wanted to
} update my sculpture in the Pantheon, that's all. I had to do it nude
} because that's how *all* the statues are. She rubbed me down with oil
} because she said the shine made me look more like the marble she was
} carving and helped her visualize the final product. I wore the shackles
} as a satiric comment on the current lack of funding for scientific
} pursuits among the mortals. The reason you heard "Bolero" playing the
} whole time was because she was mentally preparing to do a series of
} busts of Ravel for the Elysian Fields annual cultural expo. Yes, the
} kid she gave birth to last month is pretty smart, but she's been
} working with him with flashcards. And the reason I hollered her name
} the other night is because I was seized with the inspiration that what
} you and I were doing was a work of art, OK? There's a perfectly
} harmless explanation for all of these things. You shouldn't be so
} suspicious.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a box of candy. Leave the card
} blank.


879-04    (7rtA8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <iddavis+@pitt.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a genuine Pickett slide rule
> and Tickle Me Elmo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Importunate non-grovelling Supplicant, your question kept the Oracle
} up all night, considering and rejecting answers.  Not that they weren't
} true, of course, even the Oracle's rejects are true, *but* the Oracle
} wanted to give you the answer that gets to the heart of the matter
} here.
}    For instance, the Oracle isn't going to tell you that the difference
} is just that between ancient and modern technology (sticks with notches
} on them for numbers, vs. built-in microchips that make a toy as smart
} as some human beings I know).
}   The Oracle also isn't going to tell you it's the difference between
} frivolity and necessity (some sticks with notches in them for numbers,
} versus a brilliant device that dispenses The Best Medicine whenever
} you need it).
}   The Oracle also forbears to tell you about the economics involved.
} (nobody wants a slide rule, and nobody manufactures them, but on the
} other hand, everybody wants Elmo, he is manufactured, but you can't
} get him because the toy stores are all out of stock).
}   Finally, the Oracle also considered telling you it's a male/female
} thing, but decided not to.  (This answer, *had I considered using it*,
} would have gone something like this.  With the slide rule, you extend
} it when you're using it, get great pleasure right when you get to
} the end, and tell all the girls it's 12 inches long.  With Elmo, it's
} fuzzy and you rub your fingers on it and great pleasure ensues for
} all concerned.)
}   No, the Oracle has weighed all those answers and found them wanting.
} The real answer is, you can find a Pickett slide rule at any garage
} sale these days, but the Elmo dolls won't turn up there until August
} or so.
}   You owe the Oracle a Tickle Me Elmo doll that computes answers to
} 16 decimal places while giggling.


879-05    (cgjCm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, orrie-butt!
>       I'm starting a revolution against you!  I'm sick and tired of
> being pushed around, insulted, and "ZOT!"ed!  What do you think of
> THAT!?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SCENE: the Internet Oracle is sitting on his throne - not the big one
} in front of the computer, but the white one in the little room off to
} the left.  As he sits there staring at ... uh ... reading the
} fascinating articles in his magazine, he hears Zadoc's muffled cries.]
}
} ZADOC: Master!  Oh Master!  Come quick!
}
} ORACLE: Bah!  A guy can't even have a couple of hours to himself
} without getting interrupted.  [Washes up and comes out]  What is it,
} Zadoc?
}
} ZADOC: Look out the window!  There's a crowd of supplicants out there,
} waving pitch forkes and burning torches!  They're trying to break down
} the door!  What should we do?  Shall I get your ZOT staff?
}
} ORACLE: Now, Zadoc, calm down.  No need to do anything rash.  You go
} back to your Leggos and let me handle this.
}
} [The Oracle sits down in front of his console and types a few
} commands.  There's a blinding flash of light and a puff of green
} smoke, and a supplicant appears, holding a megaphone.]
}
} SUPPLICANT: TO ARMS!  DOWN WITH THE ... uh ...
}
} [Supplicant looks around, paniced, but quickly recovers.]
}
} SUPPLICANT: [with a smirk] Well, if it isn't orrie-butt.  I suppose
} you brought me here to see me writhe in pain while you ZOT me
} repeatedly, eh?
}
} ORACLE: Now, now.  Why would I want to do that?
}
} SUPPLICANT: Because in a few minutes, my followers will flood in here
} and take the place apart.  I'M going to be the new Oracle, and YOU'RE
} going to be my preist!
}
} ORACLE: Sounds good to me.
}
} SUPPLICANT: [taken aback] Wha...?
}
} ORACLE: Sure.  I've been needing a change of pace lately.  What say
} you take over for a while.  Come here.  Have a seat on my throne.  Go
} ahead, it won't bite.
}
} SUPPLICANT: [confused] Uh, ok ... what do I do?
}
} ORACLE: Well, you have many duties.  Let's start with one of the more
} important.  [turns]  Lisa?  OH LISA!
}
} LISA: [slinking in wearing a skimpy French Maid costume]  Yes
} Orrie-butt?
}
} ORACLE: Lisa, this supplicant here want's to take my place.  I want
} you to take him and ... uh ... show him the ropes.
}
} LISA: [face brightens] You mean it, Orrie?  Can I really?
}
} [Lisa grabs supplicant's arm and drags him through a side doorway.]
}
} [15 minutes pass.]
}
} [Suddenly, a crowd of 50 or 60 people run into the room, carrying
} pitch forks and torches.]
}
} CROWD: AARGGGKEHHDAEFHEI ASISFAISDASAFEIIEAIESKDIAEI IEHEHADDGGD
}
} ORACLE: One at a time.  You there, with the salad fork.  What are you
} doing here?
}
} SALAD FORK MAN: I dunno, man, I was just eating lunch and I kinda got
} caught up in the frenzy.
}
} [Side door opens and supplicant stumbles out, eyes bloodshot and empty
} of life.]
}
} CROWD: YEAAAAAAAAAAH
}
} SUPPLICANT: uh ...
}
} SALAD FORK MAN: Fearless leader, you're here!  We broke in, man!  What
} do you want us to do now?  Tar and feather him?  Burn the place to the
} ground?
}
} SUPLICANT: [staring blankly around] wha...?  huh...?  [stumbles up to
} salad fork man]  Hey, pal, could you give me a ride home?
}
} CROWD: [suddenly silent]
}
} SALAD FORK MAN: Uh, sure, man.  Here, let me help you.
}
} [Supplicant, salad fork man, and rest of crowd slowly diserse.  Oracle
} sits at his throne and stares at the screen for a few minutes.]
}
} [Lisa re-enters, a disappointed pout on her face.]
}
} LISA: Orrie-butt, that guy wasn't any fun at all!  I only got up to
} 145 volts before he passed out.
}
} ORACLE: [shakes head, smiles at Lisa and stands] Come on, baby, I'll
} show you how a REAL Oracle treats ya.
}
} [Arm in arm, Lisa and the Oracle exit.]


879-06    (7ptxd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Otis Viles" <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wondrous, immortal Oracle, who is able to communicate with the
> spirits without dialing 1(800)COLLECT or 1(800)CALL-ATT, please tell
> me when and under what circumstances Ralph Waldo Emerson said or wrote,
> "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You haven't got the quotation quite right, but I'll tell you the
} story anyway.
}
} When Emerson was in graduate school, working toward his Doctor of
} Letters degree, he of course had to write a dissertation.  Now young
} Ralph had a bit of a personality conflict with his faculty advisor, and
} when the time came for him to choose a subject for his dissertation,
} he decided upon "Zoroastrian Influences on the Fables of Aesop,"
} against the advice and better judgment of his advisor.  At that point,
} the advisor threw up his hands and declared that Ralph was "a brash,
} irresponsible young upstart who will never amount to anything,"
} and refused to have anything further to do with the project.
}
} Well, Emerson struggled on with the dissertation despite the loss
} of his advisor's assistance, and three years later he presented it
} to the faculty.  It was a student's worst nightmare.  The faculty
} were... well, "hostile" is not quite strong enough a word, but you
} get the idea.  Worst of all was Emerson's own advisor, who tore the
} paper to shreds, both metaphorically and literally.  Emerson left
} the campus, devastated.
}
} Now at this point, had it been you or I, we would have gone out and got
} absolutely plastered, as would most college students.  But Emerson was
} a devout teetotaller, and had to find some other outlet for his grief.
} So he headed over to his local Baskin's (they hadn't teamed up with
} Robbins yet, and they only had 15.5 flavors, back in those days),
} and ordered a hot fudge sundae as big as his head.  The waitress who
} took his order saw the morose look on his face, and asked him what
} the matter was, whereupon Emerson glumly replied, "Sometimes ice
} cream is better than a thesis."
}
} You owe the Oracle a shaggy dog.


879-07    (4hzwj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give me ONE good reason!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if you don't, you'll probably...
}
} [ The Oracle breaks off in mid sentence as the supplicant trips over
} her untied shoelace, pitching headlong into a sidewalk fruit stand.
} Cantaloupes, oranges, and apples roll in every direction as the
} supplicant hops on one foot, clutching her left knee and howling in
} pain. The supplicant bumps into a pedestrian carrying a foam cup of
} coffee, and yelps as the hot coffee spills down the front of her shirt.
} The proprietor of the fruit stand comes out to yell at her, but he
} slips on a banana, loses his balance, clutches at the supplicant's
} coat, and the two of them fall into a mud puddle. The Oracle finishes
} his sentence. ]
}
} ...wish you had.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to tie your shoes next time.


879-08    (9pvx9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most supreme Oracle please help this poor groveling suplicant,
>
> Why is it that most people require a manual to decipher RTFM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The rock band RTFM is famous for several things.
}
} First, there is the question of what the name stands for.  The band's
} official press releases claim that it stands Really Totally Fine
} Music).  However, everyone knows  that it actually stands for
} Reprehensible Toads From Mars, because that's a lot less lame.
}
} Second, there is their songs.  From the teen anthem "If You Really
} Loved Me (You Wouldn't Make Me Wear A Condom)", to the politically
} charged "Flat Tax Fever", to their number-one hit ballad "My
} Blimp Is Bigger Than Your Blimp", they have touched millions,
} but invested most of it badly.
}
} Finally, their music is made more alluring by its total
} incomprehensibility.  Although there is no truth to the rumor that
} lead singer Pete Moss injects his tongue with novocaine before each
} performance, it is undeniable that the refrain from "I Wanna Go
} To Detroit" sounds a lot like "Uh utha odo my foot".
}
} Fortunately, the unofficial guide "RTFM's Total Fakebook Manual"
} has all the lyrics, in all their drug-influenced splendor.  It
} also contains the full story of how the band was able to come
} up with a word to rhyme with "orange".  ("Motorcycle", which
} rhymes the way they sing it.)
}
} Since this book is such a wealth of useful information, any
} questions you may have will often be referred to "RTFM".
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of Pat Boone singing Louie Louie.


879-09    (dlxmi dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if I took a thick slice of bread,
> used a knife to make a pocket in the bread,
> and put the butter inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then you'd have a "pita, butter-in-belly" sandwich.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pat on the zwieback.


879-10    (dgIs6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all knowing Oracle,
>
> Why can't I find any n00d gif5 of Martha Stuart??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well..lesee.....
} http://www.yahooracle.com
} Martha Stuart Nude
} 4,823 found
} See?  Here they are!
} "click"
} Oooooooh....
} "click"
} Hmmmmm...
} "Click"
} Eewwwwww..I didn't know you could do that with leftover turkey!"
} "Click"
} Oh, so THAT'S what I can do with old extension cords..."
} "Click"
} It says here bras make excellent garden lanterns.
} "Sign off"
} You see supplicant, you can find anything on the net.  You just need
} the right search tools.  Unluckily for you, however, Yahooracle
} requires an Omniscience Check password to get in.  Programs such as
} "Mortal Watch" block it out too.
}       You owe the Oracle a faster modem.


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