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Internet Oracularities #88

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88, 88-01, 88-02, 88-03, 88-04, 88-05, 88-06, 88-07, 88-08, 88-09, 88-10


Usenet Oracularities #88
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 31 Dec 89 18:07:12 GMT

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Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!


88-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I can only talk to women when I have $1,000,000 worth of
> computer hardware to mediate our conversations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Better user-interface.


88-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I believe in You when I don't believe in Santa Clause!  Or the
> Easter Bunny!  Or the Tooth Fairy!  Or anything else!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ever send mail to santa@rudolph.npole.geo?
}
}    I answer *my* mail.
}
} You owe the Oracle a miniature sleigh.


88-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-do-wop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first bop is of the neuter variety, having not yet chosen its sex.
} The second bop is of course a female bop, as can be determined by the
} use of the "she-" prefix.  Current scientific speculation is that the
} pair is currently searching for a third bop of the male gender, thus
} leading to the triplet "bop-she-bop-he-bop-do-wop", at which point the
} appropriate number of bops will be present and they can "do wop" - an
} activity roughly approximating that among sexually active human beings.
} At this point of course, a "bop-do-wop" would be produced and after
} combining with appropriate bops from the results of other wops the cycle
} would repeat.
}
} See also:  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?


88-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, don't you have anything better to do than sit around answering
> questions all day?  Goddess, the answers are coming within minutes!
> Don't you have family to visit or something?  Xmas toys to break?  A Mr
> or Mrs Oracle to entertain?  Hmmmm???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Mrs.  Oracle...  MRS.  ORACLE!  Great Goddess, I forgot about the
} wife!  I, the great Oracle, will have to answer your question in the
} true depth it deserves at a later time.  I missed the Solstice with the
} wife...
}
}     (...I don't think she's ever going to forgive me THIS time...)


88-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I sending this letter to you?  You should know the answer, you
> are indeed THE Oracle......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, actually, I'm not.  THE Oracle is away for the holidays, and I'm
} just the janitor.  I usually answer the questions pretty well, at least
} the Oracle thinks so, but I can't handle them all, especially the ones
} that presume omniscience.  However, I've had a lot of practice at this
} stuff (once the great Oracle discovered how good a substitute I was, the
} Oracle's vacation schedule lengthened considerably, the lazy bum), so
} I'll give it the old college try:
}
} Call her up this minute and tell her you're sorry.  You are an absolute
} fool if you think you can get away with being such an inconsiderate
} louse.  Seriously consider sensitivity training or reading a few
} feminist textbooks so you'll understand why she thinks you are such a
} pig.
}
} You owe the Oracle's janitor ten cases of paper towels, industrial
} strength.


88-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do the plum consulting jobs appear the very week after i take a
> regular job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Student: I want a plum, but I only have an apple.
}       Keido:   Then let go of the plum.
}       Student: How can I do that?
}       Keido:   Take a bite of the apple.
}
} Desires are inexhaustible; I vow to put an end to them.
} -------


88-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Usenet Oracles does it take to change a light bulb?  And does
> this have anything to do with enlightenment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Six.
}
} One to complain about it being a meaningless question.
} One to ask that the lightbulb be changed.
} One to make a strange comment about Lisa screwing lightbulbs.
} One to telnet to Hell and get all kinds of shit from their Division of
}    Light Bulbs.
} One to write a stupid little poem about it.
} One to detoxify the Martian molasses reference books.
}
}
} This has the very much to do with enlightenment.  As the Good Book says,
} "When you're feeling something special, make a call to someone to share
} your thoughts." Or perhaps it is "When you're feeling something special
} about someone, make a call to share your thoughts." Or maybe it was
} "When you're feeling someone special, make a call to something to share
} your thoughts." Or "When you thought you were feeling someone special,
} make a call to George Bush to share your political ambitions." I don't
} really care.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new 124.32764-Watt lightbulb and a free hour on
} MCI.


88-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of the wise,
> Please answer me this:
>
>       Why is IBM often referred to as 'Big Blue' ?
>
> when they really should be
>
>       'Big, Bad, and Ugly?'

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unknown to most mortals (but blatantly obvious to omniscient Oracles),
} `Big Blue' was not originally IBM's nickname.  Like many men through the
} ages, Thomas Watson treated his sexual organ as a separate entity - even
} to the point of secretly naming it.
}
} This secret was kept for twenty years until a jilted stenographer
} spilled the beans to the typing pool at the annual Christmas party.  The
} legend of `Big Blue' quickly spread throughout the company.  Customers
} and suppliers began to hear phrases like `Big Blue is angry today' and
} the rest is history.
}
} You owe the Oracle either a copy of `Oxford's Dictionary of Etymology'
} or `Grey's Anatomy'.


88-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is the woman of my dreams hiding???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She's hiding on Level 48, in a maze of twisty little passages, all
} alike, surrounded by all kinds of monsters.
}
} The 9 in the center room is the woman of your dreams.  You are a
} computer nerd and can't possibly aspire to a 10.
}
} +------------------------+
} |   -   -333- - -    -   |
} | ----- -3--- - - ------ |
} | -  $-T-^- l -U- -    - |
} | - --- - -'--- - ----$- |
} | -     - - -   -      - |
} | -----$- ---{{{{{{ ---- |
} |  s    -   H{----{    - |
} | ---------- {-d9-{ ---- |
} | -   /   ^- {----{ - L  |
} | -------- -D{{{{{{ ----)|
} | -    $ N -   e-  P   - |
} | -------- ------ ------ |
} |    -Y    -    ' -'  <  |
} +------------------------+
}
} You owe the Oracle a high-score at NetHack.


88-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard a news flash on UPI that said that the Oracle was spotted
> on vacation in Aruba with Lisa and Diane and Barbara, gambling and
> drinking and throwing (1) up, (2) darts, and (3) coins at poor natives
> who have to catch them between their teeth to buy barely enough
> poor-quality rice to feed their huge families.  Is this true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To exist is one thing, to be percieved is another.
}
} The Oracle requires that you leave one yak.


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