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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh tall and mature Oracle, whose life experience would make a good > made-for-tv movie... > > Why are old people so boring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Weeell, when I was your age we didn't even _have_ old people so we had } to be boring all by ourselves.  Every other day we just sat and stared } at each other and it was sooo boring that people began to die from } sheer boredness!  I tell you, back then it was not as easy to live as } these days when you have machines to do everything.  The other day I } read in the Ancients' Magazine that the spoiled brats of today use } _machines_ to inspect their potato peels!  The end of the world must be } behind the next corner right now. } } The kids don't even bother to think that they should respect and adore } old people.  I mean if there were no old people around who would be } boring then?  Huh?  You would end up being boring alone and I bet you } couldn't do even that properly.  So next time you complain on boring } old people, just remember what I told you, count from one to three } hundred and tell us how great it is that you are free to be spoiled } brats as often as you want when somebody _responsible_ is doing the } boring parts. } } Now have I told you how we planned the invasion of Rome with Hannibal? } Those were the times when there was adventure in life and real men had } no pants.  So, we had this brilliant idea, we'd ship reindeers from } North Pole to get over the Alps to surprise the enemy yadda yadda yadda } yadda Oh you are still awake?  Then we grabbed the spoons and thrust } towards the walls of Jericho but Caesar was more cunning than we } expected, he had free beer for our soldiers and we couldn't even offer } a pay rise under those new regulations King Herod had made up and... } } [Huh, this one was stubborn.  Now, who wants to }  play old-timer basketball?  I'll get the table. ]

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of even the most primitive technology, > > I've got this odd device here that someone told me is called a > "slide-rule". What is it, and how do I use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to get the maximum benefit out of that wondrous device, you } must first make certain preparations.  Construct an altar of marbles. } (No, I didn't say marble, I really meant the plural.  Hint:  use } superglue.)  The chamber must be lit about with candles of all shapes, } sizes, and colors.  A large gold basin and a silver dagger are to be } placed on the altar. } } Next, you must sacrifice a goat to the great god PI, and a chicken to } the lesser god e.  (Hint:  remember the basin and dagger?)  Then, with } the greatest of reverence, remove the slide rule from its holy leather } case, and hold it up to the four corners of the compass, chanting all } the while, "Oh great forces of Light and Mathemagics, bless this, thy } tool, that it may do thy bidding."  Move ye then the inner slide of the } slide rule, so that the digit "2" of the slide lineth up with the digit } "1" on the other part, yea, verily the leftmost digit thereof.  Next } shalt thou carefully position the cursor of the most revered slide } rule, such that the fine crosshair therein lieth directly above the } digit "2" on the slide rule; not that digit which lineth up with the } digit "1", but lo!  seekest thou the other digit "2", which thou } findest a little to the right and slightly above the first.  Next shalt } thou chant the sacred invocation:  "O Powers That Be!  Reveal to me thy } secrets," but beest thou most certain to chant the words in the correct } time and meter, the meter so well known to all lumberjacks, the sacred } Logger Rhythm, blessed be its name. } } And behold!  The little god e, in all his glory, shall show thee that } twice two is no more and no less than four, give or take a hundredth } part. } } You owe the Oracle a 3-digit log table, and a spell checker that can } catch those nostalgic little lapses into obsolescent forms of speech.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Who's afraid of the big, bad *ZOT*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mildred Krupke of Urbana Illinois. She lives every day in mortal fear } that the Internet Oracle will take umbrage at her behaviour and will } *ZOT* her. Therefore, she devotes her every hour to singing the praises } of the Internet Oracle, answering questions for him, maintaining the } eight shrines she keeps in her house. Much of her time is taken up } fulfulling the "You Owe Me's" in the answers she receives from the } Oracle. (She is currently scouring the earth for a solution to the } halting problem and 200 more gallons of soy sauce. If you can help, } drop her a line). } } Every time her computer beeps with a new email, a little part of her } dies inside, and she wonders if this is The One. And each time she } reads the mail and discovers that I have spared her life once again, } she redoubles her efforts on my behalf, hoping I will continue to be } appeased. } } Little does she realize that today's the day. } } If you'll excuse me now, I've got work to do... } } :send } } % zot --extra-crispy | mail mkrupke@aol.com -s 'Re:Your tiresome } toadying' } } Megadestructive killer email sent to mkrupke@aol.com } } % _ } } You owe the Oracle your unquestioning devotion.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most melifluous oracle, whose toenails I'm not worthy to paint... > > Does television advertising really work?  I mean, do you buy Cocoa > Pebbles just because Barny outwits Fred every time?  Do you feel > compelled to buy Mentos just because it seems to help in stressful > situations?  Do you buy Energizer batteries just because that silly > rabbit tricks are for kids go cuckoo just for the taste of it's the > right one, baby you're the greatest... > > Argh!  Somebody help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle, it can't be beat! } Wisdom and Knowledge as a tasty treat! } The Internet Oracle will show you the way! } Write your Internet Oracle today! } }      [An announcer floods the sound sphere.] } } Yes, the internet Oracle!  It slices, it dices, it cuts this tin can in } half and is still sharp enough to slice this tomato!  How much would } you expect to pay for this remarkable portal to the unending reaches of } knowledge and time? WAIT!  Don't answer yet!  It comes with this handy } opening line: } } The Oracle has pondered your question deeply... } } It will tell you to give him things that you can't possibly deliver: } } You owe the Oracle Uraguay. } } It sounds a very special alarm at unwanted intruders: } } *ZOT*     [Screams of agony in the background.] } } And it even comes ASCII ready for convient storage in your hard drive } (not included.) } } So what would you pay?  $50?  $100?  maybe even $300! } } Well, what if I told you that the Oracle comes with wacky antics?! } Yes, that's right!  Laugh as the Oracle *ZOT*s his best buddy Zadoc. } Chuckle as the Oracle overcomes his latest problem with Lisa!  Roar } with laughter as the allegedly omnisient Oracle can't even spell } important words correctly! } } NOW, how much would you pay?  $500, maybe even One-Thousand-Dollars?!? } } Let's review!  You get... }     * Infinite knowledge ans wisdom... }     * in a handy ASCII english-based format... }     * prefaced with a computer generated opening line,... }     * which also serves as an unwanted intruder alarm! }        PLUS: }     * Zadoc, Lisa, and all the hillarity that comes with them, }        AND }     * The feeling that life has become clear to you once you hear the }       sage advice... }     * All for simple demands that you don't need to follow through on! } } And this, once available only to business at the cost of $10,000 !!! } can now be yours for the low, low price of $29.95! } }      [Boos and Hisses of audience.] } } What!  That's still too much!  How about $24.95! } }      [Audience continues, only lounder.] } } I can't believe I'm doing this!  What the hell... } }                    $ NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE !!!! } }      [Audience roars with approval!] } } So call now and get in on the action!  You know what comes now... } } You owe the Oracle $19.95.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just sent you a note with "Don't Ask Me" as a subject > and I STILL got a question.  Don't you even read your > mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm writing this to see if you even read your mail. } Note the subject "Don't Ask Me" above.  DON'T give } me a question.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long is it going to take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.  Catching the hedgehog usually takes about an hour, but } leave two if you don't have much experience.  Then there's waiting for } all the hair gel to arrive, which usually takes 3-5 business days. } Finally you'll need to find a long enough piece of sheet metal, which } is a little easier if there are a lot of construction supply warehouses } in your area.  Leave a day or so for that.  The whole process should be } complete in about a week, or perhaps two since your question did not } include a grovel. } } You owe the Oracle instructions in English, French, Japanese, Albanian, } and Minbari.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who probably never gets cavities,  why isn't there > such a thing as *boy*-scout cookies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact that the boy scouts did attempt to sell } cookies door to door in the early 1950s.  The reason this isn't } widely known is that the boy scouts decided to try out a trial } market first to test the popularity and profitibility of cookie } sales.  What happened has been covered up but here at Oracle Press } International we know all.  Here's the story: } } Minneapolis, MN (OPI) - In an incident that has the snack food world } in an uproar the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have announced a } cessation to all cookie sales.  This on the eve of talks to end the } brutal turf war that has waged for two weeks between the girl scouts } and the boy scouts.  With this announcement virtually all } hostilities have ceased with some minor border skirmishes still } taking place between isolated groups of Brownies and Webeloes. } } "We tried to stretch our resources too thin and couldn't hold the } territory we'd already gained," was the report coming from BSA } commander in cookies, Warren Jeffries.  "We thought we could hold on } to some of the suburbs where we had numerical superiority, but we } didn't count on the attrition tactics employed by the Greenies } (Greenies being slang term for girl scouts derived from the battle } garment worn in field).  "They had no regard for human life and we } couldn't stand under the assault.  It was either withdraw or face a } slaughter.  We look at it (the withdrawal) as the humanitarian thing } to do," quoted the previously unknown battle commander.  The girl } scouts saw it differently. } } "Thrifty, brave, and reverant my ass!" were the words from girl } scout leader Angela Freedy.  "Those little shits came at us with an } air of cockiness sure that they could defeat 'the defenseless little } girls'. They had a couple of early victories and were laughing it up } while piling up the war crimes.  They weren't laughing anymore after } we showed them how a real soldier handles a firearm.  We cleaned } their clocks from Fridley to Chaska and we'll do it again if needed. } As for their 'humanitarian' withdrawal, the only thing humanitarian } about it was our not blasting their badged heinies into oblivion," } was the opinion of Ms. Freedy.  "The cookies are now, and forever } will be, the sole territory of the girl scouts." } } While the city is relieved that the battles are over, now comes the } task of counting the cost in dollars and lives.  "This tragedy won't } soon be forgotten," said Mayor Quimby.  "We have paid a heavy toll } to see who would have the right to sell Thin Mints from door to } door.  Hopefully we've learned a lesson here that will keep tragedy } like this from happening again."

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, so firm and fully packed... > The answer given to me was: a plate of spaghetti, white-wall > tires, and a case of influenza.  Pray tell, what was the > question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, so supple and empty... } } The question that you seek is: "Name three things that Cher likes } better than Sonny" } } You owe the Oracle a tattoo on the tush.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mystical Oracle whose fender I am not worthy to Simonize, please > tell me: > > Why do used car salesmen always where load sports jackets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Child, } }  Gracious, you've given me a puzzler my young friend. The Oracle will } make a guess that you didn't type your question correctly and you } "meant" to ask why used car salesmen wear >loud< jackets. It's part of } their religion. They must identify themselves to each other so that a } used car salesman will not try to milk another used car salesman dry } upon a chance meeting. It's also nature's way of telling you that the } being you are approaching should be regarded with caution. Here's a } friendly example. } }  Scenario: You are walking along in the Gobi Desert when you encounter } a cobra with it's hood flared. You do which of the following ... } }  A) Run up to it and say, "I can't find my ass with both hands, but I } need a used car. Can you help me?" } }  B) Run up to it and say, "Hey, why do you guys always have that hood } thing behind your head?" } }  C) Immediately move to Indiana. } }  Here is what nature's child, the cobra, will do in each of the } situations you responded to. } }  A) Bite you on the ass and sell you a cheap used car, but at a } reasonable price. } }  B) Bite you on the ass and sell you a loud plaid jacket. } }  C) Take a day trip to Indiana, bite you on the ass and sell you a } reasonably priced spell checking program with a one year warranty and } a rust proofing option. } }  If, on the other hand, you did indeed mean >load< you should be } corrected by the most holy Oracle and be reminded that used car } salesmen load their pants, not their jackets. } }  You owe the Oracle an X-rated fake picture of Hillary Clinton and The } Tick, and one copy of Mavis Beakon's Typing Tutor.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose answers are deeper than the Marianas Trench, who > never tries to compare apples and oranges, who always experiences > pleasant weather, and who tolerates sentences which are so long that > they could almost be termed run-on, especially when they consist > mostly of groveling, > *pauses to catch breath* > I have heard a rumor that Lisa is really Eliza in disguise.  Is this > rumor true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa!  Have a look at this, should I ZOT this idiot extra hot or } special? } } Why do you say that? } } Don't you see?  He's flaming you!  Oh the arrogance of some people! } } What makes you believe the arrogance of some people? } } Darling, I am not an idiot.  Well, he did grovel quite well but I } simply can't stand people questioning your intelligence. } } Is it because you simply cannot stand people questioning my } intelligence that you came to me? } } All right, all right, I'll just send him some lame reply and demand an } apology.  But I still think he deserves a ZOT. } } Does it bother you that you still think he deserves a zot? } } Not at all, dear.  Damn, you are so cute I could eat you right now! } } I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue! } } How am I supposed to do that?  I can barely see my nose. } } Maybe your plans have something to do with this. } } Yeah, let's forget this and have some fun for a change... } } I don't understand. } } Never mind, now where did you put the defibrillator? } } Earlier you said you simply cannot stand people questioning my } intelligence? } } Aww, come on Lisa, it wasn't anything. } } Is it because of your life that you are going through all this? } } Oops, I forgot to turn off the terminal.  Just a moment, dear! <click>