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Internet Oracularities #880

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880, 880-01, 880-02, 880-03, 880-04, 880-05, 880-06, 880-07, 880-08, 880-09, 880-10


Internet Oracularities #880    (103 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 1997 18:48:13 -0500 (EST)

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880  103 votes 4vBs3 6mszc 4gyCb 1cspB lonob 9wzo3 5jtvj 6wrsa 5xnwa 8jkym
880   3.2 mean  3.0   3.2   3.3   3.8   2.8   2.8   3.4   3.0   3.1   3.4


880-01    (4vBs3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh tall and mature Oracle, whose life experience would make a good
> made-for-tv movie...
>
> Why are old people so boring?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Weeell, when I was your age we didn't even _have_ old people so we had
} to be boring all by ourselves.  Every other day we just sat and stared
} at each other and it was sooo boring that people began to die from
} sheer boredness!  I tell you, back then it was not as easy to live as
} these days when you have machines to do everything.  The other day I
} read in the Ancients' Magazine that the spoiled brats of today use
} _machines_ to inspect their potato peels!  The end of the world must be
} behind the next corner right now.
}
} The kids don't even bother to think that they should respect and adore
} old people.  I mean if there were no old people around who would be
} boring then?  Huh?  You would end up being boring alone and I bet you
} couldn't do even that properly.  So next time you complain on boring
} old people, just remember what I told you, count from one to three
} hundred and tell us how great it is that you are free to be spoiled
} brats as often as you want when somebody _responsible_ is doing the
} boring parts.
}
} Now have I told you how we planned the invasion of Rome with Hannibal?
} Those were the times when there was adventure in life and real men had
} no pants.  So, we had this brilliant idea, we'd ship reindeers from
} North Pole to get over the Alps to surprise the enemy yadda yadda yadda
} yadda Oh you are still awake?  Then we grabbed the spoons and thrust
} towards the walls of Jericho but Caesar was more cunning than we
} expected, he had free beer for our soldiers and we couldn't even offer
} a pay rise under those new regulations King Herod had made up and...
}
} [Huh, this one was stubborn.  Now, who wants to
}  play old-timer basketball?  I'll get the table. ]


880-02    (6mszc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of even the most primitive technology,
>
> I've got this odd device here that someone told me is called a
> "slide-rule". What is it, and how do I use it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to get the maximum benefit out of that wondrous device, you
} must first make certain preparations.  Construct an altar of marbles.
} (No, I didn't say marble, I really meant the plural.  Hint:  use
} superglue.)  The chamber must be lit about with candles of all shapes,
} sizes, and colors.  A large gold basin and a silver dagger are to be
} placed on the altar.
}
} Next, you must sacrifice a goat to the great god PI, and a chicken to
} the lesser god e.  (Hint:  remember the basin and dagger?)  Then, with
} the greatest of reverence, remove the slide rule from its holy leather
} case, and hold it up to the four corners of the compass, chanting all
} the while, "Oh great forces of Light and Mathemagics, bless this, thy
} tool, that it may do thy bidding."  Move ye then the inner slide of the
} slide rule, so that the digit "2" of the slide lineth up with the digit
} "1" on the other part, yea, verily the leftmost digit thereof.  Next
} shalt thou carefully position the cursor of the most revered slide
} rule, such that the fine crosshair therein lieth directly above the
} digit "2" on the slide rule; not that digit which lineth up with the
} digit "1", but lo!  seekest thou the other digit "2", which thou
} findest a little to the right and slightly above the first.  Next shalt
} thou chant the sacred invocation:  "O Powers That Be!  Reveal to me thy
} secrets," but beest thou most certain to chant the words in the correct
} time and meter, the meter so well known to all lumberjacks, the sacred
} Logger Rhythm, blessed be its name.
}
} And behold!  The little god e, in all his glory, shall show thee that
} twice two is no more and no less than four, give or take a hundredth
} part.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 3-digit log table, and a spell checker that can
} catch those nostalgic little lapses into obsolescent forms of speech.


880-03    (4gyCb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Who's afraid of the big, bad *ZOT*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mildred Krupke of Urbana Illinois. She lives every day in mortal fear
} that the Internet Oracle will take umbrage at her behaviour and will
} *ZOT* her. Therefore, she devotes her every hour to singing the praises
} of the Internet Oracle, answering questions for him, maintaining the
} eight shrines she keeps in her house. Much of her time is taken up
} fulfulling the "You Owe Me's" in the answers she receives from the
} Oracle. (She is currently scouring the earth for a solution to the
} halting problem and 200 more gallons of soy sauce. If you can help,
} drop her a line).
}
} Every time her computer beeps with a new email, a little part of her
} dies inside, and she wonders if this is The One. And each time she
} reads the mail and discovers that I have spared her life once again,
} she redoubles her efforts on my behalf, hoping I will continue to be
} appeased.
}
} Little does she realize that today's the day.
}
} If you'll excuse me now, I've got work to do...
}
} :send
}
} % zot --extra-crispy | mail mkrupke@aol.com -s 'Re:Your tiresome
} toadying'
}
} Megadestructive killer email sent to mkrupke@aol.com
}
} % _
}
} You owe the Oracle your unquestioning devotion.


880-04    (1cspB dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most melifluous oracle, whose toenails I'm not worthy to paint...
>
> Does television advertising really work?  I mean, do you buy Cocoa
> Pebbles just because Barny outwits Fred every time?  Do you feel
> compelled to buy Mentos just because it seems to help in stressful
> situations?  Do you buy Energizer batteries just because that silly
> rabbit tricks are for kids go cuckoo just for the taste of it's the
> right one, baby you're the greatest...
>
> Argh!  Somebody help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle, it can't be beat!
} Wisdom and Knowledge as a tasty treat!
} The Internet Oracle will show you the way!
} Write your Internet Oracle today!
}
}      [An announcer floods the sound sphere.]
}
} Yes, the internet Oracle!  It slices, it dices, it cuts this tin can in
} half and is still sharp enough to slice this tomato!  How much would
} you expect to pay for this remarkable portal to the unending reaches of
} knowledge and time? WAIT!  Don't answer yet!  It comes with this handy
} opening line:
}
} The Oracle has pondered your question deeply...
}
} It will tell you to give him things that you can't possibly deliver:
}
} You owe the Oracle Uraguay.
}
} It sounds a very special alarm at unwanted intruders:
}
} *ZOT*     [Screams of agony in the background.]
}
} And it even comes ASCII ready for convient storage in your hard drive
} (not included.)
}
} So what would you pay?  $50?  $100?  maybe even $300!
}
} Well, what if I told you that the Oracle comes with wacky antics?!
} Yes, that's right!  Laugh as the Oracle *ZOT*s his best buddy Zadoc.
} Chuckle as the Oracle overcomes his latest problem with Lisa!  Roar
} with laughter as the allegedly omnisient Oracle can't even spell
} important words correctly!
}
} NOW, how much would you pay?  $500, maybe even One-Thousand-Dollars?!?
}
} Let's review!  You get...
}     * Infinite knowledge ans wisdom...
}     * in a handy ASCII english-based format...
}     * prefaced with a computer generated opening line,...
}     * which also serves as an unwanted intruder alarm!
}        PLUS:
}     * Zadoc, Lisa, and all the hillarity that comes with them,
}        AND
}     * The feeling that life has become clear to you once you hear the
}       sage advice...
}     * All for simple demands that you don't need to follow through on!
}
} And this, once available only to business at the cost of $10,000 !!!
} can now be yours for the low, low price of $29.95!
}
}      [Boos and Hisses of audience.]
}
} What!  That's still too much!  How about $24.95!
}
}      [Audience continues, only lounder.]
}
} I can't believe I'm doing this!  What the hell...
}
}                    $ NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE !!!!
}
}      [Audience roars with approval!]
}
} So call now and get in on the action!  You know what comes now...
}
} You owe the Oracle $19.95.


880-05    (lonob dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@sdd.hp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just sent you a note with "Don't Ask Me" as a subject
> and I STILL got a question.  Don't you even read your
> mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm writing this to see if you even read your mail.
} Note the subject "Don't Ask Me" above.  DON'T give
} me a question.


880-06    (9wzo3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long is it going to take?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see.  Catching the hedgehog usually takes about an hour, but
} leave two if you don't have much experience.  Then there's waiting for
} all the hair gel to arrive, which usually takes 3-5 business days.
} Finally you'll need to find a long enough piece of sheet metal, which
} is a little easier if there are a lot of construction supply warehouses
} in your area.  Leave a day or so for that.  The whole process should be
} complete in about a week, or perhaps two since your question did not
} include a grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle instructions in English, French, Japanese, Albanian,
} and Minbari.


880-07    (5jtvj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who probably never gets cavities,  why isn't there
> such a thing as *boy*-scout cookies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact that the boy scouts did attempt to sell
} cookies door to door in the early 1950s.  The reason this isn't
} widely known is that the boy scouts decided to try out a trial
} market first to test the popularity and profitibility of cookie
} sales.  What happened has been covered up but here at Oracle Press
} International we know all.  Here's the story:
}
} Minneapolis, MN (OPI) - In an incident that has the snack food world
} in an uproar the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) have announced a
} cessation to all cookie sales.  This on the eve of talks to end the
} brutal turf war that has waged for two weeks between the girl scouts
} and the boy scouts.  With this announcement virtually all
} hostilities have ceased with some minor border skirmishes still
} taking place between isolated groups of Brownies and Webeloes.
}
} "We tried to stretch our resources too thin and couldn't hold the
} territory we'd already gained," was the report coming from BSA
} commander in cookies, Warren Jeffries.  "We thought we could hold on
} to some of the suburbs where we had numerical superiority, but we
} didn't count on the attrition tactics employed by the Greenies
} (Greenies being slang term for girl scouts derived from the battle
} garment worn in field).  "They had no regard for human life and we
} couldn't stand under the assault.  It was either withdraw or face a
} slaughter.  We look at it (the withdrawal) as the humanitarian thing
} to do," quoted the previously unknown battle commander.  The girl
} scouts saw it differently.
}
} "Thrifty, brave, and reverant my ass!" were the words from girl
} scout leader Angela Freedy.  "Those little shits came at us with an
} air of cockiness sure that they could defeat 'the defenseless little
} girls'. They had a couple of early victories and were laughing it up
} while piling up the war crimes.  They weren't laughing anymore after
} we showed them how a real soldier handles a firearm.  We cleaned
} their clocks from Fridley to Chaska and we'll do it again if needed.
} As for their 'humanitarian' withdrawal, the only thing humanitarian
} about it was our not blasting their badged heinies into oblivion,"
} was the opinion of Ms. Freedy.  "The cookies are now, and forever
} will be, the sole territory of the girl scouts."
}
} While the city is relieved that the battles are over, now comes the
} task of counting the cost in dollars and lives.  "This tragedy won't
} soon be forgotten," said Mayor Quimby.  "We have paid a heavy toll
} to see who would have the right to sell Thin Mints from door to
} door.  Hopefully we've learned a lesson here that will keep tragedy
} like this from happening again."


880-08    (6wrsa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, so firm and fully packed...
> The answer given to me was: a plate of spaghetti, white-wall
> tires, and a case of influenza.  Pray tell, what was the
> question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, so supple and empty...
}
} The question that you seek is: "Name three things that Cher likes
} better than Sonny"
}
} You owe the Oracle a tattoo on the tush.


880-09    (5xnwa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mystical Oracle whose fender I am not worthy to Simonize, please
> tell me:
>
> Why do used car salesmen always where load sports jackets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My Child,
}
}  Gracious, you've given me a puzzler my young friend. The Oracle will
} make a guess that you didn't type your question correctly and you
} "meant" to ask why used car salesmen wear >loud< jackets. It's part of
} their religion. They must identify themselves to each other so that a
} used car salesman will not try to milk another used car salesman dry
} upon a chance meeting. It's also nature's way of telling you that the
} being you are approaching should be regarded with caution. Here's a
} friendly example.
}
}  Scenario: You are walking along in the Gobi Desert when you encounter
} a cobra with it's hood flared. You do which of the following ...
}
}  A) Run up to it and say, "I can't find my ass with both hands, but I
} need a used car. Can you help me?"
}
}  B) Run up to it and say, "Hey, why do you guys always have that hood
} thing behind your head?"
}
}  C) Immediately move to Indiana.
}
}  Here is what nature's child, the cobra, will do in each of the
} situations you responded to.
}
}  A) Bite you on the ass and sell you a cheap used car, but at a
} reasonable price.
}
}  B) Bite you on the ass and sell you a loud plaid jacket.
}
}  C) Take a day trip to Indiana, bite you on the ass and sell you a
} reasonably priced spell checking program with a one year warranty and
} a rust proofing option.
}
}  If, on the other hand, you did indeed mean >load< you should be
} corrected by the most holy Oracle and be reminded that used car
} salesmen load their pants, not their jackets.
}
}  You owe the Oracle an X-rated fake picture of Hillary Clinton and The
} Tick, and one copy of Mavis Beakon's Typing Tutor.


880-10    (8jkym dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose answers are deeper than the Marianas Trench, who
> never tries to compare apples and oranges, who always experiences
> pleasant weather, and who tolerates sentences which are so long that
> they could almost be termed run-on, especially when they consist
> mostly of groveling,
> *pauses to catch breath*
> I have heard a rumor that Lisa is really Eliza in disguise.  Is this
> rumor true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa!  Have a look at this, should I ZOT this idiot extra hot or
} special?
}
} Why do you say that?
}
} Don't you see?  He's flaming you!  Oh the arrogance of some people!
}
} What makes you believe the arrogance of some people?
}
} Darling, I am not an idiot.  Well, he did grovel quite well but I
} simply can't stand people questioning your intelligence.
}
} Is it because you simply cannot stand people questioning my
} intelligence that you came to me?
}
} All right, all right, I'll just send him some lame reply and demand an
} apology.  But I still think he deserves a ZOT.
}
} Does it bother you that you still think he deserves a zot?
}
} Not at all, dear.  Damn, you are so cute I could eat you right now!
}
} I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!
}
} How am I supposed to do that?  I can barely see my nose.
}
} Maybe your plans have something to do with this.
}
} Yeah, let's forget this and have some fun for a change...
}
} I don't understand.
}
} Never mind, now where did you put the defibrillator?
}
} Earlier you said you simply cannot stand people questioning my
} intelligence?
}
} Aww, come on Lisa, it wasn't anything.
}
} Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?
}
} Oops, I forgot to turn off the terminal.  Just a moment, dear! <click>


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