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Internet Oracularities #881

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881, 881-01, 881-02, 881-03, 881-04, 881-05, 881-06, 881-07, 881-08, 881-09, 881-10


Internet Oracularities #881    (134 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 24 Jan 1997 16:59:13 -0500 (EST)

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   881
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

881  134 votes pEruc bxzzk 8hQCj 4lOCl 9nzGp 9rWv9 5kGPg adFDv 5mFHn 3sKFg
881   3.3 mean  2.7   3.1   3.3   3.4   3.4   3.0   3.4   3.5   3.4   3.3


881-01    (pEruc dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Oracle!
>
> Can you explain me why equation x^n+y^n=z^n has
> no integer solutions when n>2. I have no doubts
> about your ability to do it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have found a marvelous proof of your proposition, but this terminal
} screen is to narrow to contain a properly formatted version.
} You owe the Oracle a bigger monitor.


881-02    (bxzzk dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can zot the lowest supplicant such as myself at
> will. Who knoweth all, seeth all, and heareth all.  Whose feet I may
> someday by worthy enough to clean with my tongue. Master of all there
> is to know, and knows all there is about master...
>
> I beseech you, oh Great One, to answer my, your humble supplicant's,
> simple question.  Where does that mystery known as 'belly-button lint'
> come from.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, just let me check, Supplicant.
}
} login: oracle
} password: z0tzotz0t
} Last login: Mon Jan 13 18:05:03 from infinity.spc
} Oracle Microsystems Inc.   BellybuttonOS 5.5.1    Surreal Jan 1997
} You have new mail.
}
} ======================================================================
}               There will be NO night oracularity cover
}       Oracularity cover will start at 07:30 and cease at 21:30
} ======================================================================
}
} bellybutton [oracle.bbos5] 1% man lint
}
} lint(1)
}
} NAME
}     bellybutton lint - a ZOT program checker/verifier
}
} SYNOPSIS
}     lint [options] supplicant ...
}
} DESCRIPTION
}     lint attempts to detect features in ZOT setup files that are
}     likely to be dangerous to the user, misdirected or insufficiently
}     messy. It also ensures the fundamental laws of humorous zottage
}     are followed - leaves smoking boots, charred outlines on the wall
}     etc. ZOT problems currently detected include non-lethal ZOTting,
}     undercharged batteries, bad aim and ZOTs which aren't half as fun
}     as dropping a ton of custard on the supplicant.
}
}     Arguments whose names end with .s are assumed to be supplicants.
}     Arguments whose names end with .wc are assumed to be supplicants
}     who've asked yet another woodchuck question. .wc supplicants are
}     treated with the contempt and overkill they deserve.
}
}     lint takes all the .s and .wc supplicants and ZOTs them in their
}     command-line order. By default, ZOT appends the standard grovel
}     criticism (badgrovel.zt) to the end of each ZOT. However, if the
}     -p option is used, the criticism is inserted five minutes before
}     the ZOT, to give the supplicant plenty of time to realise what
}     a foolish mistake they've made.
}
}   Options
}     Any number of lint options can be used, in any order, intermixed
}     with file name arguments.
}         -p     Give supplicant time to think about his sins.
}         -x     Terminate with extreme prejudice - ignore any innocent
}                bystanders the supplicant may attempt to hide behind.
}         -m     Let off a small ZOT to make the supplicant think you
}                missed and he got away with it.
}         -ztype Specify the type of ZOT to be used. The type can be
}                one of the following letters:
}                   s   Standard ANSI ZOT. Bolt of Oracular energy that
}                       disintegrates the supplicant. This option is
}                       currently the default.
}                   d   Deep fry. Leaves supplicant in suitable state
}                       for sale in a small Chinese restaurant.
}                   o   Overkill. Not only ZOTs supplicant, but also
}                       whichever town/city he happens to be in.
}                   l   Lightly done. Give the supplicant a 30% chance
}                       of survival.
}
} WARNINGS
}     lint with the oracle.wc argument has not been tested, and it
}     would probably be a good idea to steer well clear of it. Also,
}     we've been asked to avoid lint with wildcards after that time
}     we wondered what lint -o * would do.
}
} SEE ALSO
}     zot(1), unzot(1), custard(1).
}
}  Usenet Oracle Company            - 4 -   BellybuttonOS 5.5.1: Jan 1997
}
} bellybutton [oracle.bbos5] 2% logout
}
} So there you have it, supplicant. You owe the Oracle an upgrade to
} 5.5.2 beta.


881-03    (8hQCj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I dare you to answer this.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrogant supplicant, though you neglected to include a question in your
} missive to the sagacious and thesauricly empowered Oracle, I will ply
} my extrasensory powers to divine your inner questions from the
} oscillations your persona left on the electrons which formed your
} antiepistolic e-epistle, and answer them.
}
} ANSWER #1: The batteries are in the bottom left drawer under last
} February's issue of Beautiful Bovines.
}
} ANSWER #2: Yes I DO think you should see a doctor about that.
}
} ANSWER #3: It is not for me to say what you should or should not insert
} there, though I would suggest you start with something smaller than
} shillelagh.
}
} ANSWER #4: Yes.
}
} ANSWER #5: Only if the deferred return on capital is more than 3% and
} untaxed.
}
} ANSWER #6: Not on your life.
}
} ANSWER #7: Try bigger undergarments.
}
} ANSWER #8: Try no undergarments.
}
} ANSWER #9: That's not what small furry animals are meant for, why
} don't you try a rag instead?
}
} ANSWER #10: Yes, it IS in poor taste to pick it in public.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better question.


881-04    (4lOCl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most Suessfisticated, please tell your humble supplicant
> the answer to a question most obsequiously presented:
>
> What was the name of the guy who didn't want to eat green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I will not tell you supplicant,
} I shall not say! I shan't! I shan't!
}
} Not on a bus, not on a train, not in a truss, not on a plane,
} Not in a boat, nor with a goat, nor in a grotty boat-goat's tote.
}
} I will not tell you I was taught, that his name was Sam-I'm-Not.  oop!
}
} Now you've done it! I've let it slip!
} You owe me three Dunbinklawhips!


881-05    (9nzGp dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Stage 2 completed.
>
> Proceed to Stage 3 (Y/N)? y
> Confirm Stage 3 (Y/N)? y
> ...
>
> Checking integrity...OK
> Checking systems...OK
> Checking program...OK
> Checking database...OK
>
> Command functions have been locked out.
> Terminal has been locked out.
> Main computer has been locked out.
>
> Engaged.
>
> T-300 seconds and counting. Sequence cannot be aborted at this stage.
> You will receive no more verbal warnings.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Dammit, Zadoc! I told you not to fire up the Windows '95 install
}    program!
}    We're doomed! Red Alert!
}
}    <Orrie taps the badge on his left ala CDR Riker>
}
}    All Priests, This is the Oracle, we have an imminent Win '95
}    installation breach. Prepare to abandon Olympus!
}
}
}    - You owe the oracle a real OS, like UNISYS 2200 EXEC.
}
}      @FIN


881-06    (9rWv9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did the Tropics of Capricorn and Cancer get their names?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In 1598, Frederico Capricorn and Carlos Cancer were two explorers who
} wanted to find a new route to Antarctica.  They set off in three
} ships: the Pinto, the Yugo, and the Santa Claus.  On April 3rd, they
} set off into the unknown waters of the south full of expectation and
} rum.
}
} Unfortunately, trouble started soon after they left.  They were three
} days out to sea when they realized that they neglected to sign on a
} crew.  In fact, the Santa Claus had nobody at all on board, and it
} ended up going due North.  (But that's another story.)  Fred and
} Carl's dismay was tempered by the realization that they would have no
} competition for the rum they had brought along.
}
} Alas, even that advantage wasn't enough to carry them to victory.
} They were just making their way through the Panama Canal when they
} collided with another pair of ships that were headed North.  Those
} ships were piloted by B1ff and B0ff Arctic.  There were no survivors.
}
} However, the brave deeds of these fearless exporers have not been
} forgotten.  When nobody else volunteered to have seemingly random
} lattitudes that nobody ever really understood named after them, Fred,
} Carl, B1ff, and B0ff were seen as naturals.
}
} You owe the Oracle the wooden compass from Wendal Equator's ship.


881-07    (5kGPg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most ouzo drinking and suchlike,
>
> Why is it that although the Oracle comes to us from a Greek
> tradition (the Delphic Oracle, the Oracle of Ammon), you are
> always talking to the Christian God instead of the Olympian
> Pantheon? Is God the only deity to have mastered 'chat' and
> 'write', or did you change employers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't like to say this about the Olympian deities, but they're really
} not very pleasant neighbors.  Don't get me wrong...we DO get along well
} enough in the business world, but they're not exactly the sort that I
} invite into My house.  The last time there was a party, Zeus wanted to
} do the Golden Showers thing on My new silk sofa, Poseidon spilled salt
} water on everything and started an earthquake in my garden.  Athena,
} bless the dear little child, had that damnable owl of hers into
} everything.  Aphrodite and Ares made a total MESS of My den; locked
} themselves in there for hours doing gods-knows-what, Hermes kept
} stealing My silverware.  Since his mother was otherwise occupied, Eros
} was being his usual bratty self, shooting holes in My walls.  About the
} only one of the bunch who was really no trouble at all was Hestia, who
} sat very quietly by the fireplace.
}
} You owe the Oracle many days journey over the wine-dark sea.


881-08    (adFDv dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle more wise than wise; more brillant than brillant
> and more knowing than knowing.  Please answer this supllicant's
> humble question:
>
> When the heck is my management going to do something about this
> ISO 9000 deadline coming up next month.  We have yet to
> document the fact that we are supposed to go to work.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to work?  GO TO?  You're not supposed to do that!  You're supposed
} to be using rigorously structured procedures, involving only
} bifurcation and iteration.  None of this dangerous "go to" stuff.
} Sheesh!  No wonder you're having trouble with ISO 9000.
}
} Here's the *right* way to go about it:
}
} REPEAT
}   IF no work available
}   THEN
}     (PROCEDURE goof-off)
}     IF boss is looking
}     THEN
}       doodle on notepad to look busy
}     ELSE
}       play nethack
}       IF male
}       THEN
}         WHILE no female coworkers present
}           download nude GIFs
}           drool on keyboard
}         ENDWHILE
}       ENDIF
}     ENDIF
}   ELSE
}     IF ahead of schedule
}     THEN
}       CALL PROCEDURE goof-off
}     ELSE
}       IF behind schedule
}       THEN
}         panic
}       ELSE
}         stall
}       ENDIF
}     ENDIF
}   ENDIF
} UNTIL fired OR dead OR better job offer
}
} That'll get you started, at any rate.  Notice there's no "go to work"
} anywhere in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the official ISO 9000 procedure for drooling on
} keyboards.


881-09    (5mFHn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, knower or all, master of the internet, please elucidate:
>
> What is the best way to catch microfiche?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a neural net.
}
} You owe the Oracle some sea monkeys.


881-10    (3sKFg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if I changed the headings in this message to include
> the line:
>
> Reply-To: president@whitehouse.gov
> ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not even I can tell for sure how the government will react to something
} like this, but probability analysis indicates the following chain of
} events:
}
} The CIA will intercept the message and send undercover agents to
} Indiana University, dressed in ripped jeans and "BBedit: It doesn't
} suck." t-shirts.  They will have instructions to infiltrate the
} computer science department and discover the truth behind "Project
} Zot."
}
} Chelsea will discover the Oracle and become addicted to its wiley
} charms, draining the queue on a daily basis.  She will quit doing
} homework, flunk out of school and eventually have to go into rehab.
} "Harmless net geeks - or purveyors of the most dangerous drug since
} crack cocaine?"  Next on Geraldo.
}
} Newt Gingrich will intercept this message and launch a congressional
} investigation regarding a suspected mole in the whitehouse with the
} code name "Oracle."
}
} Hilary will deny knowledge of any security leaks, but then will be
} caught trying to shred floppy disks.
}
} Alan Greenspan will make a comment the next day to a Wall Street
} Journal reporter that the internet is swamped with inane traffic.  The
} DOW industrial will jump 350 points the next day.
}
} And, last but not least, Bill Clinton will take credit for continued
} economic growth, and become the first president since FDR to be elected
} to a third term.
}
} Forget the Oracle, you owe society a benevolent dictatorship.


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