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Internet Oracularities #883

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883, 883-01, 883-02, 883-03, 883-04, 883-05, 883-06, 883-07, 883-08, 883-09, 883-10


Internet Oracularities #883    (121 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Feb 1997 17:36:46 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   883
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

883  121 votes ivvub 8nDEb 4fHAn hIzk5 8eLwk dlBms 8vKjh gCvt7 5vIx8 8dovJ
883   3.1 mean  2.9   3.2   3.5   2.6   3.3   3.3   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.8


883-01    (ivvub dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who is a wizard at all forms of communication, I
> know the OSI protocol stack contains the following layers, but I'm not
> so clear about the difference between them.  Could you explain them in
> layman's terms, please?
>
> Layer 1 - Physical
> Layer 2 - Data Link
> Layer 3 - Network
> Layer 4 - Transport
> Layer 5 - Session
> Layer 6 - Presentation
> Layer 7 - Application
> Layer 8 - Financial
> Layer 9 - Political

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure!
}
}  Layer 1 - Physical - Grabs tits.
}
}  Layer 2 - Data Link - Downloads!  er.. um.. data!
}
}  Layer 3 - Network - Cuddles afterwards.
}
}  Layer 4 - Transport - Drives her home.
}
}  Layer 5 - Session - Gets nagged for not cuddling longer
}
}  Layer 6 - Presentation - Tries in vain to defend oneself
}
}  Layer 7 - Application - Begs for another chance
}
}  Layer 8 - Financial - Has to blow another hundred bucks on the next
}                        date
}
}  Layer 9 - Political - You just can't win!
}
} Hope this helps!


883-02    (8nDEb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most suprajefronized, how come I have to study stuff written by
> dead people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat it.  And,
} considering they're dead, they obviously did SOMETHING wrong.
}
} You owe the Oracle the location of the fountain of youth.


883-03    (4fHAn dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...Oh, I know, this is like Jeopardy, you've given me the
} answer and I should give you the question? Ok, how's this...
}
}  1.> What is the sound of one hand clapping?
}
}  2.> List the constructive achievements of the U.S.
}      Congress in 1996?
}
}  3.> Give the names of every person who looks up to Bill Gates
}      as a moralistic idol.
}
}  4.> What are the nutritional values of a Twinkee?
}
}  5.> What is a man thining about when women ask "What are you
}      thinking about?"
}
}  6.> Who was that on the phone?
}
}  7.> What are some of the advantages of Windows 95 over UNIX?
}
}  8.> List the items of clothing that the oracle likes to see
}      most on Lisa.
}
} There are probably more, but I don't want to take all of your
} fun away. I'm sure I hit the one you were looking for.
}
} You owe the oracle                             .


883-04    (hIzk5 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise, wondrous and woolen Oracle of our tell me please what is the
> email equivalent of heavy breathing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  AAACCKKK!!! Wool!!! <pant, pant, pant>  Zadoc, bring me <pant,
} pant> my          inhaler.  Pronto!! <pant, pant>
}
} Zadoc:   Yes Master. Here you are.
}
} Oracle:  <pant, pant> <inhale>
}
} <stopwatch> 15 seconds later.... </stopwatch>
}
} Oracle:  Whew!  That's better.
}
} You owe the Oracle the more hypo-allergenic Golden Fleece.


883-05    (8eLwk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle of Usenet, who knows all news that's fit to post..
>
> So I'm sitting on the bench in the student lounge when this brunette
> goddess dressed in all black clip-clops across the dull grey linoleum
> floor before me, causing me to look up from my book, at which point she
> makes eye contact with me, and smiles, mouthing "hi" to me!  I was
> stunned, cause babes like that never look at computer geeks like me
> (sigh)
>
> What happened?  Should I have gone up to her or something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all, of course, depends on the goddess.
}
} From _Goddess Spotting_ by T.U. Oracle.  (Indiana U. Press, 1994)
}
} Aphrodite: Ask her for some tips.
}
} Bast: Feed her cream from silver bowls.
}
} Diana: Stay away.  Stay far away.  Unless you yourself happen to be
}        female.
}
} Eris: Say, "23 skidoo.  Rubba-dubba-dub.  Yo, Fairest!"  Don't worry.
}       She'll understand.
}
} Freya: Tell her just how much you adore everything Swedish.  Except the
}        Swedish Chef.  Tell her all about the last Ingmar Bergman film
}        that you seen.  If you haven't seen one, make one up.
}
} Hariti: Stay far away from Hannibal Lecter jokes.  Or dead baby jokes.
}
} Juno: Don't mention how much Rome has fallen.
}
} Ningal: Don't mention Trent Reznor.  She won't go for it.  Thank her
}         for how much her son has brightened your day.
}
} Tetzcatlipoca: Say, "Hey!  Isn't that your son over there?"  When she
}                looks the other way,run.  If that doesn't work, and if
}                she promises the 'best seat in the house' for the
}                sun-worship ceremony, worry.  Worry a lot.
}
} Urania: Ask, "What's up?"
}
} And finally --
}
} Lisa: Say 'hello' and treat her with the utmost respect.  Especially if
}       she's carrying the Wand of Zot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _Bullfinch's Mythology_.  Oh, yes... and a
} new myth about the Mayan bat-god of the caves.  He appears in a lot of
} creation myths.


883-06    (dlBms dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and ominous oracle, I have but one question that lingers in my
> mind.  How do seedless grapes reproduce?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Artificial fermentation.
}
} You owe the Oracle a turkey baster, a dirty movie and a plastic cup.


883-07    (8vKjh dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohhh thou wise old man, tell me why is mondays so long?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mondays are not always this long, only in February. You see, a long,
} long, interminably long time ago, We Immortals allowed man to choose
} how he would like to arrange his year. You would also have expected him
} to chop the total time of one revolution around the sun into a number
} of even bits, wouldn't you? But no way, not him!
}
} After brooding over the question for centuries, man came back with this
} funny arrangement where only every second month is the same, and to
} confuse things, February has this funny pattern that even I cannot
} always remember - which is why calendars had to be invented, because
} not even man could remember the annual fluctuations of time.
}
} Needless to say, this left Us with the problem of how to even things
} out despite this silliness (We have to do this a lot where man is
} concerned). So you have inadvertently stumbled onto our solution. All
} the months are exactly the same lenghth and to make it fit the calendar
} We just stretch out Mondays. Because February is such a short month, We
} have to stretch Mondays a little more, which is why you noticed it.
}
} Happy Mondays!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Rolex.


883-08    (gCvt7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya Oracle..how's it going most awesome dude?
>
> I have a zinger of a question for you..
>
> I have heard so many people talking about "cool beans" so
> I decided to, you know, go to the grocery store and check
> them out for myself.
>
> Well, I checked all the shelves and could not find one can
> of "cool beans".  Can you help me, like, find some??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They aren't in cans.  They're in the freezer section.
}
} You owe the Oracle some cold cuts.


883-09    (5vIx8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you have a written Policy Manual?  Where can I get a copy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are a number of helpful publications, all available at no charge
} from the Department of Usenet Denizens.  Titles include:
}
} "When a dustbuster just won't do: How to clean up a *ZOT* victim."
}
} "CyberSex in the 90s:  How To Avoid Looking Really, Really Silly."
}
} "Spam: Capitalism or the Spawn of Satan?"
}
} "'Hoi, Zadoc!':  The Oracle's guide to corporate politics."
}
} "Your Lucky Numbers: Win the lottery TODAY!"
}
} "The Oracle's Do It Yourself Guide to Gene-splicing."
}
} "Life with Orrie: the authorized biography."
}
} and of course,
} "The Oracle's Favorite Woodchuck Recipes."
}
} But no, there isn't exactly a "Policy Manual."  Any policies are pretty
} much on a whim.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new inside joke.  Really.


883-10    (8dovJ dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The wisest, most intelligent oracle sir, could you please tell me what
> I can do with year old tuna.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                       101 Uses for Year-Old Tuna
}                         by The Internet Oracle
}
}    1. Kindergarten art projects.
}    2. Extract the mercury, make a tiny thermometer.
}    3. A newsgroup: alt.year-old-tuna
}    4. Your cats will love it!
}    5. Go-cart wheels.
}    6. Makes a good core to wind old bits of string around.
}    7. Glue a can onto the ceiling of the Astrodome.
}    8. Stack up 87 cases, call it art, make Christo jealous.
}    9. Feed it to Windows 95 programmers. They'll never notice.
}   10. Beads on a giant abacus.
}   11. Fish oil is flammable. Make candles. Your cats will love it!
}   12. Rent a helicopter and drop year-old tuna on your enemies.
}   13. Skeet shooting.
}   14. Sneak it back onto your grocer's shelves.
}   15. It's fun to watch cans roll down steep hills.
}   16. Leave one can every day in the library book drop.
}   17. Spray paint the cans with fun colors and play shuffleboard.
}   18. See whether Dr. Kevorkian can use them.
}   19. Melt them to get the metal. This will make an odor. (Get it?)
}   20. Aw, c'mon. That's a three-way pun. Give it another chance.
}   21. Use them in a commando raid upon your neighbors' houses.
}   22. Visit Mount Rushmore and hide the cans in Teddy's nose.
}   23. Keep the tuna for fifty years, then call it an antique.
}   24. Makes a great hockey puck.
}   25. Paint a can blue, leave it on your coffee table.
}   26. Leave the cans in your toilet tank to conserve water.
}   27. Get Newt to accept year-old tuna as a donation.
}   28. Rub year-old tuna upon your torso. Your cats will love it!
}   29. Keep a can in your trunk for emergencies.
}   30. Mail it to your friends in Iceland.
}   31. Give a can to your ex. Laugh maniacally and take it back.
}   32. Drop it in the bay, then place a lost and found ad.
}   33. Make bar bets that you can fit a whole can in your mouth.
}   34. Pass electricity through it until it glows.
}   35. Leave a can in a new car during a test drive.
}   36. Use cans as percussion instruments in your band, "Outer Tuna".
}   37. 'Year-old tuna' anagrams to 'Yoda Renault'.
}   38. Paint a symbol on a can and sell it as a new-age power-token.
}   39. Make year-old tuna sandwiches.
}   40. Build a radio inside the can. Call it the "Tuna-tin 2".
}   41. Makes a fun hat. Your cats will love it!
}   42. Good for making dolphins upset. ("So long!")
}   43. Good for making dolphin-lovers upset.
}   44. Make the Secret Service nervous. Give it to Socks Clinton.
}   45. Take a can to church, ask that it be blessed.
}   46. Make two cans into "tuna goggles".
}   47. With enough postage, you can mail a can without a box.
}   48. Hide three cans under your car seat, confess it at Customs.
}   49. Calculate how many cans could fill Lake Erie.
}   50. Return a can to the video store.
}   51. Give year-old tuna to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day.
}   52. Use an empty can as a rain gauge.
}   53. Ballast.
}   54. Meditate upon the bar code.
}   55. Polish the lid until you can see yourself in it.
}   56. Microwave it until it explodes.
}   57. Build a tiny city inside the can. Intimidate the inhabitants.
}   58. Use fish oil in your metronome. Your cats will love it!
}   59. Leave a can to your nephew in your will.
}   60. Paint the cans bright orange. Claim they were left by aliens.
}   61. String them into a necklace.
}   62. Cast its star chart, find out whether it's a Pisces.
}   63. Rub it on your car. Your cats will love it!
}   64. Ask a taxidermist to mount it.
}   65. Hide cans instead of eggs for Easter.
}   66. 6-1/8 ounce shot put.
}   67. Wait a while, get it into the Guinness Book of World Records.
}   68. Paint the cans red and black. Use them as checkers.
}   69. Invent a time machine, and send the tuna to the dinosaurs.
}   70. File the cans under F for fish.
}   71. Decode the numbers stamped into the can. (Hint: 3=R.)
}   72. Recycle each can into five bracelets.
}   73. Make year-old tuna melt. It's not a bad as it sounds.
}   74. C'mon. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
}   75. Through a small hole, clean the can and build a watch inside.
}   76. Use it in the laundry. Your cats will love it!
}   77. Paint the cans yellow, call them "Solar Tuna".
}   78. Give a can to your date. Ask for a kiss in return.
}   79. Drop it from the third-floor, shouting "It's raining tuna!"
}   80. Name the cans "George," "Jerry," "Elaine," and "Kramer."
}   81. If you have a fifth can, call it "Newman."
}   82. Make a year-old tuna screen saver.
}   83. Use the cans for bodybuilding. Pump tuna.
}   84. Pray to Charlie Tuna. Sacrifice your tuna to him.
}   85. Use the labels as a mod headband.
}   86. Carry a can wherever you go. Don't explain, don't apologize.
}   87. Hammer the cans flat, re-roof your home.
}   88. Give it out on Halloween. Call it "Tuna from the Crypt."
}   89. Decorate the cans with glitter, make Martha Stuart jealous.
}   90. Use the cans to plumb Crater Lake.
}   91. Ask your favorite sushi chef to make it into dinner.
}   92. Put it in a pyramid, wait 4000 years, see if it's fresh.
}   93. Rub it on your furnace filters. Your cats will love it!
}   94. Leave a can at your photo shop for developing.
}   95. Put a parachute onto each can. Drop them over Bermuda.
}   96. Shake a can to hear a fun squishy sound.
}   97. Put a can in your piano. Call it your "piano tuna."
}   98. Send year-old tuna to Internet spammers.
}   99. Start the new craze: year-old tuna-flavored espresso.
}  100. Invent a tuna-disk drive and make a fortune.
}  101. Make a replica of the "Venus de Milo." Your cats will love it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a year's supply of sushi.


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