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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:48:15 GMT

Internet Oracularities #884

Goto:
884, 884-01, 884-02, 884-03, 884-04, 884-05, 884-06, 884-07, 884-08, 884-09, 884-10


Internet Oracularities #884    (126 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   884
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

884  126 votes aooFr drKua hBHl8 dnAvn 4jGBo iuDpe 9pHvi 3oGst 4cIAu ARq83
884   3.1 mean  3.4   3.0   2.7   3.2   3.5   2.9   3.2   3.4   3.6   2.1


884-01    (aooFr dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose hate for the woodchuck is unmatched even by the
> Emporer's hate of Luke Skywalker:
>
> To what degree would a grizzled thickset marmot of the northeastern US
> and Canada be able to toss lumber, if was assumed that a grizzled
> thickset marmot of the northeastern US and Canada was able to toss
> lumber?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "What? Are you trying to confuse the Oracle? How dare you!"
}
} <The Oracular temple grows huge>
}
} Outside where the other supplicants are waiting..
}
} Supplicant 1: Where did they go?
} Supplicant 2: In that small moon, I think.
}
} Inside...
}
} The Oracle and the supplicant take out their lightsabers and start
} circling each other.
}
} Supplicant: When we last encountered, you were answering my questions,
} but now I am the supplicant!
}
} Oracle: Yeah so? <heavy breathing>
}
} The supplicant notices his verbal mistakes and whines a little.
}
} Oracle: Face it question boy, you cannot resist the power of the askme
} side of the script.
}
} Supplicant: The tellme side shall always win.
}
} The Oracle reaches out and attempts to crush the supplicant's keyboard.
} The supplicant catches the Oracle offguard with the lightsaber. Soon a
} saber fight begins with lots of *Pow* and *Bang* as the sabers hit.
}
} A W2 droid starts replaying it's message like crazy: "How much wood
} could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" The Oracle
} smashes it. The fight continues.
}
} The Emperor (played by the REAL, Oracle, not the incarnation) enters,
} clapping his hands. He then uses the script to capture the supplicant's
} saber and puts it beside him free for the grabbing. The Emperor then
} sits on his throne.
}
} Emperor: Very good. I can see the hatred within. Come on, shoot the
} incarnation with a null question, grab the saber, and slice me up by
} draining my queue. I feel your stress level rising. The askme is
} showing within you.
}
} Supplicant: I will never join you!
}
} Emperor: Fine then!
}
} The Emperor Oracle sticks out his hand and starts shooting the
} supplicant with an ongoing barrage of zots. The supplicant is wriggling
} around on the ground like a worm.
}
} Incarnation Oracle: . o O ( If he kills the supplicant, the supplicant
} will be dead and therefore won't owe me anything! )
}
} The incarnation picks up the Emperor and tosses him into the Death
} Temple's pit of /dev/null.
}
} Oracle: Done. <<Leans over the pit and yells>> You owe the Oracle some
} helmet shine!
}
} And YOU, nerf herder, owe the Oracle some Unixtroopers.


884-02    (drKua dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
} % 745435DSDGdfgxyzzy985:<199702040816.DAA14484@sunos.cs.indiana.edu>(2)
} %
} % MESSAGE NON-RECEIPT UNCONFIRMATION USER COPY
} %
} % THIS MESSAGE IS AUTOMATICALLY GENERATED. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REPLY TO
} % IT. YES, THIS MEANS YOU, DUMBO -- GET YOUR FINGER OFF THAT `R' KEY!
} %
} % WARNING: FATAL ABEND ABNORMAL TERMINATION ERROR (19CFDEE4.34)
} %     IN read.c::get_supplication(UNGROVEL, ...)
} % WHILE PARSING CLIENT SUPPLICATION QUESTION PARAMETERS.
} %
} % ERROR TYPE = 193 (DOUBLE QUESTION SUBMISSION).
} %
} % Due to limitations in the current accounting module, you may only
} % submit one question per supplication. Our software indicates that
} % your question contained 000002 questions, as follows:
} %
} % {45234FDE3H QUESTION DUMP FOLLOWS}
} % BEGIN QUESTION DUMP
} % QUESTION #000001 OF 000002 QUESTION(S):
} % >
} % 00A340H BLANK QUESTION PARSED.
} %
} % QUESTION #000002 OF 000002 QUESTION(S):
} % >
} % 00A340H BLANK QUESTION PARSED.
} % END QUESTION DUMP
} %
} % Please re-supplicate, as indicated on page #000003 of 000003 of your
} % "Supplicating for Dummies: Your Friendly User's Manual for
} % First-Time Users" manual (P/N #897357Z324324O34534T234), making sure
} % to have just 000001 (WORD NUMBER(000001) == ONE) question in each
} % supplication.
} %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
}
} You owe the Oracle a less user-friendly front end.


884-03    (hBHl8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most sagacious, who knows the speed of light in furlongs per
> fortnight to an arbitrary number of digits, please answer this lowly
> and mathematically challenged supplicant's question.
>
> I've been taking classes in France for about four months now, and no
> matter how carefully I plan ahead, I'm always about two minutes late
> for class. Having encountered various confusion regarding the
> difference between kilometers and miles, British pints and American
> pints, any pint and a liter, yards and meters, etc, etc, I wonder if I
> just haven't mastered metric time.  What am I doing wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In Metric time, there are 100 minutes to the hour and 10 hours to the
} day, making a 20-hour day. Then there are 10 days in a month. This
} leads to different dark-light cycles on different days, which causes
} understandable confusion for those of us who are used to the
} old-fashioned calendar.
}
} On the plus side, at 10 of these months per year, you are actually
} quite a bit younger than your calendar age would suggest.
}
} You'll get used to it.


884-04    (dnAvn dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle!  One who's righteous wisdom extends to all who wish
> it! Please favor your devout and loyal subject an answer to a puzzling
> question!
> Why is it that even when girls advance to college, they still insist
> upon spending several hours on creating their "natural" look, which
> consists of applying their makeup with a trusty putty knife and curling
> and blow-drying their hair like madwomen, even when the day ahead calls
> for 70 mph wind gusts and pouring rain?  This bewhilderment also
> extends to why these "high maintanence" females insist upon wearing
> daringly short skirts and high heels in 19 degree winter days?
> Boggles the mind, don't it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...ok one of the Better Grovels We have seen this year...(kicks
} Staff of ZOT under the magazine rack )...err...Lisa?!!!
}
} LISAAA!!!......hooooneeee??
}
} Lisa: (from the next room) Yes Orrie Dear?
}
} Orrie:" Er, could you tell me why you hog the bathroom for 4 hours just
} before we have to either go out, OR go to sleep at night?"
}
} Lisa: " What???"
}
} Orrie: (pitching voice to carry two rooms over) "Aww honey, I just
} wanna know why you spend so much time getting ready to look xtra
} gorgeous ALL the time? Oh yeah, and why you always wear the see-thru,
} tan-thru spandex jumpsuit EVERY time we go skiing?"
}
} "...err I gotta supplicant on the line here..."(dribbling off
} ashamedly)"
}
} Lisa pads barefoot into TV lounge where Orrie sits.  She is wearing one
} of Orrie's old T shirts that says Hard Rock Cafe-Asgard/Mt. Olympus.
} The shirt is smeared with green splatters of a substance that is mashed
} on to her face, making her look like a diminutive version of The
} Incredible Hulk.
}
} Lisa's hair is in rollers, and she is holding a bottle of Generic Brand
} Xtra Strength Creme Hair Bleach.  She is wearing faded pink leggings
} that are pushed up to her knees, and the calves of her legs are covered
} in shaving cream.
}
} Upon seeing his lady love thus arrayed, The Great Oracle temporarily
} forgets where he is, pushes his armchair as far away from the
} apparition as it will roll, stands, and snatches up the Staff of ZOT.
} Its familiar fingergrips and the smell of slightly charred suppplicant
} bring The Great Oracle back to himself.
}
} Lisa: (scowling, so the green face mask cracks in several most
} unattractive places)
}
}  "You mean LIKE THIS???"  It takes me 2 hours just to get this crud ON
} and another 2 hours to chisel it off....and YOU're asking me WHY I do
} it???
} AND, You're going to tell a SUPPLICANT my (no, take that back) MY
} personal BEAUTY secrets??  You've got a LOT of NERVE!
} Maybe, just maybe I shouldn't bother to take this crud OFF next time we
} go on a date.  THAT way, YOU can have an extra 2 hours in the bathroom
} instead of me!!!!!!!"
}
} Lisa pushes her furious, mud-bedaubed face up to The Great Oracle.  She
} grabs the Staff of ZOT from his nerveless fingers with one hand, and
} uses the other hand (sporting four inch nails painted black) to shove
} The Great Oracle back into his armchair.
}
} Lisa aims the Staff at The Great Oracle and pushes the first button her
} fingers land on.
}
} ********zotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzot*******
} ********zotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzotzot*******
}
} Orrie: "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!NOT the Rapid Fire Mode!!!!  LISA!!!"
}
} The Great Oracle manages to cower behind his armchair, temporarily out
} of range of the blinding flares of the Staff's discharges.  Not
} surprisingly, Zadoc apologetically moves over to make room for him.
}
} Zadoc: "Master, if Thou Wishes, I can absorb the Punishment that she is
} dishing out, IF you cut me a break next time around..???"
}
} The Great Oracle is too absorbed in examining his shredded clothing and
} scorched areas of his persona and doesn't hear Zadoc's whiny offering.
}
} Lisa drops the Staff of ZOT, kicks it under the TV, and folds her arms.
} Most of her curlers have come unrolled and slimy strands of long,
} bleached ash blond hair, its color hardly visible under blue sticky
} gunk, is smearing blue tattoos on to the back of the T Shirt, obscuring
} the "Bullfinches Not Served Here" logo.
}
} Lisa: "And, I thought you LIKED it when I got a full body tan in
} winter...you never think that I might be freezing to death in those
} outfits....(squeezes out a sob)...I just wanted to be PERFECT for
} youuuuuuuuu..."
}
} On this final wailing note, Lisa runs from the room.  The sound of two
} or three doors slamming echoes her progress.
}
} The Great Oracle and Zadoc look at each other.
}
} Zadoc: "Master....I offer my humble self to be ZOTTed in retribution for
} the indignity heaped upon Your Wondrous Person...."
}
} The Great Oracle: "Okay, put yourself down for a double portion of ZOT,
} next time the opportunity presents itself.  I'm a little ragged right
} now."
} " ..errm.... hope you don't mind?"
}
} Zadoc: (relieved) "Don't mention it"
}
} You owe The Great Oracle the following items:
}
} Body armor
} A second bathroom
} The Avon Lady
} A separate armchair for Zadoc to cower behind next time
} A new Staff of ZOT with a single user license, and individual password.


884-05    (4jGBo dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Greatest (hrmph!) of the (gakkkk!) Great minds in the world
> (hmhmhmph!!!!), Mr. Oracle, please help (mmmmbbbb!!!!!) me!!  I am not
> (glurb!) allowed to (gaaahhhh!) laugh at work, and I just (urp!) read
> something (gasp) really funny.  I think I'm about (hrrrrhphhhh!!!)
> to burst a blood (grrrph!) vessel!  Help!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?  You're coming to me for something to STOP you from laughing?
} Well that's a new one.  Bless you, my son.  It's so nice to have a
} change from the regular humdrum everyday existence.  Well, let me see.
} Things that you can't laugh at...
}
}      There's a comet out there heading straight for the earth.  It'll
}      collide with the planet in 27 months.  Humankind is doomed.
}
} Is that a snicker I hear trying to escape your lips?  Well, I'll have
} to try some stronger stuff.
}
}      Senator Jesse Helms will win the next presidential election.
}
} Still can't stop smiling, eh?  Right.  Heavy duty action is called for.
}
}      Bill Gates is a father.
}
} You owe the Oracle a scream of horror.


884-06    (iuDpe dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     _      __________ _______      _      __________ _______      _
>  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\
>  \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /
> |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|
>  / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \
>  \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/
>  __________ _______     _      __________ _______     _     __________
> |___  / __ \__   __| /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __| /\| |/\ |___  / __ \
>    / / |  | | | |    \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |    \ ` ' /    / / |  | |
>   / /| |  | | | |   |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |   |_     _|  / /| |  | |
>  / /_| |__| | | |    / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |    / , . \  / /_| |__| |
> /_____\____/  |_|    \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|    \/|_|\/ /_____\____/
>     _      __________ _______      _      __________ _______      _
>  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\
>  \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /
> |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|
>  / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \
>  \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/
>  __________ _______     _      __________ _______     _     __________
> |___  / __ \__   __| /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __| /\| |/\ |___  / __ \
>    / / |  | | | |    \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |    \ ` ' /    / / |  | |
>   / /| |  | | | |   |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |   |_     _|  / /| |  | |
>  / /_| |__| | | |    / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |    / , . \  / /_| |__| |
> /_____\____/  |_|    \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|    \/|_|\/ /_____\____/
>     _      __________ _______      _      __________ _______      _
>  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\  |___  / __ \__   __|  /\| |/\
>  \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /     / / |  | | | |     \ ` ' /
> |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|   / /| |  | | | |    |_     _|
>  / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \   / /_| |__| | | |     / , . \
>  \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/  /_____\____/  |_|     \/|_|\/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Windows 95 Boot screen.
}
} You owe Oracle Patch file


884-07    (9pHvi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > What is recursion?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> } Your question was:
>
> } > What is recursion?
>
> } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> } } Your question was:
>
> } } > What is recursion?
>
> } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} } } } The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} } } } Your question was:
}
} } } } > What is recursion?
}
} } } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} <Sigh>
} ^C
}
} ***BREAK
} scm> (pp supplicate)
}
} (lambda ()
}   (let ((question-text '(The Internet Oracle has pondered your question
}                        deeply. Your question was:))
}       (answer-text '(And in response, thus spake the Oracle:))
}       (question '(What is recursion?)))
}     (cons (list question-text question answer-text) (supplicate))))
}
} scm> (define (supplicate acc)
}        (let ((question-text '(The Internet Oracle has pondered your
}                             question deeply. Your question was:))
}              (answer-text '(And in response, thus spake the Oracle:))
}              (question '(What is recursion?)))
}          (supplicate (cons (list question-text question answer-text)
}                            acc))))
}
} scm> (supplicate '())
}
} There, now it runs in constant space. When I get a result, I'll tell
} you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of The Little Lisper.


884-08    (3oGst dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've received about 5 Oracularities in just 3 days!  Why, oh Great One,
> why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And the Oracle said unto Kinzler "geez, man, you look like hell. Go
} somewhere during the holidays!". And Kinzler did listen to the Oracle,
} and the Oracle saw that he did vacation, and it was good.
}
} And it came to pass that the Priests did work variously during the
} holiday decreed by the ancients. Some did continue to choose
} oracularies for digestion, some did devote their time to more earthly
} pursuits, and yea some did even vacation as Kinzler vacationed.
}
} And lo, the priests rendered unto the server many oraculary picks, and
} the Oracle saw that the picks were many and the digests few, and he
} said unto Lisa "What the hell? I guess letting Kinzler go on vacation
} wasn't such a hot idea after all."
}
} And the Oracle sent a message that was carried by the birds of the air
} and the beasts of the ground and the fishes of the sea and the insects
} and crawly things of the earth and the microbes and the viruses and the
} fruitbats. And the message was without form, being written in longhand
} and having no real point or organizing structure, more of a memo
} really.
}
} And the message said to him "Vacation cancelled. Get back to work!" And
} the message was delivered unto Kinzler, and Kinzler was pissed off, yea
} though he was righteous and filled with love.
}
} And Kinzler made the Journey back to the Holy Campus, and resumed his
} labours. And the Oracle saw the labours of Kinzler, and was pleased,
} and said unto man: "Look upon this man, and know that he is chosen by
} me".
}
} And Kinzler was not moved, for he knew that his Priestly labours were
} not made less difficult by praise, but only by free beer and paid
} overtime.
}
} And it came to pass that, lo though his displeasure was great, Kinzler
} completed the great Labour before him, and dispelled the backlog.
}
} And the Priests and the supplicants and the beasts of the air and the
} ground and the earth and the seas and the malls looked upon the digests
} and were joyful, for the digests were good, except for 878 which pretty
} much sucked.
}
} Lo, and the Oracle looked down upon the scene, and saw it was good.


884-09    (4cIAu dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise:
>
> Why do some of my M&M's have W's on them?
>
> Your humble supplicant awaits your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oops.  Apparently there was a mix-up at the factory.  You see, there
} are two assembly lines for M&Ms:  one for the northern hemisphere and
} one for the southern hemisphere.  The southern ones have the M printed
} upside down, because of course the people down there are upside down.
} But obviously somebody got careless, and shuffled all the M&Ms together
} indiscriminately.
}
} You owe the Oracle some 3&3s.


884-10    (ARq83 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why was hair invented?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Galt MacDermot needed the money.
}
} You owe the Oracle a part in the nude scene.


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