} To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
} From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
} Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention
} your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned
} entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any
} litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit
} will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
} This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all
} of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel"
} of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
} o Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
} pits of Hell;
} o No man can be in it's presence for too long without being
} driven into gibbering insanity;
} o A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
} o Those who associate with it for too long develop common
} physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
} eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
} towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
} men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
} in ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien
} o The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
} the world, and force all who dwell their to live in eternal
} As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when
} you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
} things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
} eat them.
} We hope that you will consider these points carefully before
} commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have
} your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short
} lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric
} hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
} gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
} Respectfully yours,
} <unidentifiable squiggle in some sort of ichor>
} pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D