[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:25:07 GMT

Internet Oracularities #887

Goto:
887, 887-01, 887-02, 887-03, 887-04, 887-05, 887-06, 887-07, 887-08, 887-09, 887-10


Internet Oracularities #887    (143 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Feb 1997 09:47:53 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   887
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

887  143 votes jIDy7 aCIFa aGYt2 ctGGi 5aqOQ 8kAQr 9nDvF 6gFIA *mea9 dtCEn
887   3.1 mean  2.8   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.9   3.5   3.5   3.6   1.8   3.2


887-01    (jIDy7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O humor-endowed Oracle, whose every utterance makes me laugh (er, but
> only when that's your intention of course), who knows how to kill 'em
> in Kukamonga, please tell me:
>
> I have an idea for a movie about the Marx Brothers, only it would be
> set in Germany in 1939 and they would be the "Karl Marx Brothers," and
> instead of being named "Harpo" the guy who never talked would be called
> "Gestapo" and he would play the glockenspiel.
>
> What do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've identified a genre of film that few people know existed, but
} that's been around for many years.  No one knows about it mainly
} because most of the films are so bad that they aren't worth the ink
} printed on the tickets to go into the theater.
}
} The "Karl Marx Brothers" has been done, back in the spring of '62.  The
} other rolls were: Zeppo played Goebbles, Chico played Goering, and in a
} strange bit of casting, Hitler was played by Mrs. Dumont.  Groucho
} played Rudolf Hess, mainly because he had the eyebrows.
}
} Other movies of this type include the latest: "Gone with the Wind",
} starring Bill Clinton as Scarlet O'Hara, Hillary Rodham as Rhett
} Butler, Al Gore as Ashley Grey, and Vince Foster as all the wounded
} from the battle of Atlanta.
}
} The British version of "The Wizard of Oz" starred Charles as Dorothy
} (he insisted on the role....hmmmm.), Philip as the cowardly lion, Diana
} as the scarecrow, Princess Margeret as the tin-man (typecasting, I
} say), and Sarah as Toto.
}
} There were the remakes of the "On the Road..." movies, starring
} Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat in the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby roles,
} with Henry Kissinger as Dorothy Lamour.
}
} So, as you can see, this type of movie is well known, though not very
} well done (take my word for it!)
}
} You owe the Oracle an Autographed still from the "Three Stooges" short
} starring Lenin as Moe, Trotsky as Larry, and Stalin as Curly.


887-02    (aCIFa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How am I supposed to concentrate on my work when people in the next
> cubicle are discussing some other project - sometimes in English with
> an Indian accent, and sometimes in Chinese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm not supposed to do this, but I'll let you in on a little
} secret:  You're *not* supposed to concentrate on your work.  This is
} all part of a psychological experiment to determine what kind of
} effects constant distraction will have on a human being.
}
} I mean, put it together:  The sterile, clinical environment pulsing
} with flourescent light.  The lack of appropraite personal space.  The
} placement of furniture in your chamber so that your back is always to
} the door, and the fact that there's no ceiling above you--an
} arrangement that allows Them to monitor you throughout the day without
} attracting your attention. The carefully choreographed
} distractions--phones ringing, incomprehensible voices, etc.  That
} little machine with the keyboard and the screen, that you're expected
} to tap away at, day in and day out, performing tasks which,
} conveniently, can easily be recorded and measured and quantified,
} allowing Them to determine your progress from day to day.  The fact
} that you have to negotiate that maze--"cubicle walls", as you call
} them--several times a day to reach the free food and coffee.
}
} Yes, it's true:  You're basically a lab rat to Them.  But don't feel
} bad; your contributions to science have been invaluable.  By learning
} what kinds of depredations you, and others like you, are willing to put
} up with, and what you'll reject, They've made great strides in Their
} understanding of human behavior.  In another few years, They will have
} refined Their management techniques to the point that They can finally
} make Their move, enslaving the entire planet, bringing an end to our
} strife, and ushering in a glorious new era.  We will live as one vast,
} happy herd, serving our Masters in peace and productivity.  You should
} be very proud.


887-03    (aGYt2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderous Oracle, whose words of wisdom are the butter on
> the popcorn of mortals' lives, please enlighten this ever-curious
> supplicant:
>
> What is your favorite movie, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are my top 10 movie favourites of all time:
}
}     Title (year)              Reason
}     ------------              ------
}
} 10. The Oracle (1985)         Cool Title.
}
}  9. The Oracle (1993)         Cool Title.
}
}  8. Omens and Oracles (1913)  Cool Title.
}
}  7. The Horse's Mouth         Cool Title before those weasles in
}     (AKA The Oracle) (1953)   Marketing changed it.
}
}  6. Hallelujah Train (1965)   Stunningly sensitive performance by
}                               Donald Pleasance as "Oracle" Jones.
}
}  5. Zadoc et le bonheur (1994)  There's just something about it...
}
}  4. Tom, Dick and Harry (1941)  Dorothy Lloyd as the Gypsy Oracle.
}                               Rrrrrrrroww!!
}
}  3. Sorority Babes in the     Featuring Michelle Bauer as Lisa.
}     Slimeball Bowl-a-rama
}     (1988)
}
}  2. Little Buddha (1993)      Starring Rinzin Dakpa as the Oracle.
}                               (with Keanu Reeves, Bridget Fonda
}                               and Chris Isaak in minor supporting
}                               roles)
}
}  1. It's a Wonderful Life     Because I'm just a big, omniscienct
}     (1946)                    softy sometimes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a laserdisc player, a subscription to Film Comment,
} and some tissue for the next time I watch #1.


887-04    (ctGGi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why does coffee taste bad when it's been stewed
> for a couple of hours?  (I'm interested in specific chemical reactions
> here, not just generalities like "it's burnt".)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not a strictly chemical process.  It's quantum-mechanical.
} The fluid you call "coffee" is composed of water into which free javons
} have been suspended.  Javons, according to Oscar, Aster, and Rufo, can
} exist in one of five descending energy states: Coffee, Java, Jamoke,
} Joe, and Carbon Remover.  The addition of excess heat causes the javon
} to emit bogons and lose energy, dropping into a lower energy state.
}
} Javons, of course, should not be confused with javicles, the
} fundamental particles of Web hype.
}
} You owe the Oracle a javicle-to-javon converter.  If I had a cup of
} really good coffee for every Info World article about that bogus and
} largely useless language, I'd be a much happier deity.


887-05    (5aqOQ dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and all seeing Oracle, answer me my question and I'll
> humbly and gratefully serve you for the rest of my natural life.
>
> I'm a Taurus - whats my prospects for 1997?
>
> Cheers!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'll be traded in for an Escort.


887-06    (8kAQr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oracle most wise, tell me
>
>    what is the  most powerful computer in the world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The laptop that Melvin Schmedling has in his backpack as he
} currently enjoys the tour of the Lackawanna Anthracite Mine,
} 400 feet under the surface.
}
} > No, no, I didn't mean *in* the world, I meant
}
} Then it would have to be one of those old vacuum tube monsters,
} maybe the ENIAC; you couldn't afford the electric bill.
}
} > Wait, don't hang up, that's not what I meant.
}
} The Powerbook? A larger percentage of its case is taken up by the
} PowerPC chip than any other
}
} > Hey! No! You misinterpr
}
} Power to affect all our lives? There's a PDP/8 in the Pentagon that
} controls all the ICBMs
}
} > *mumble*
}
} Okay, you must mean power to affect the world of computing, so you
} want the one on the chairman's desk, although right now he's just
} using it to -- Hey Bill! Red eight on the black nine!
}
} > *argh*! Listen to me! I meant
}
} I'll bet you mean the one the Oracle uses to interpret your
} ambiguous questions and give you an answer that sounds like it's
} really him talking!
}
} > That's more like it, but does that mean you aren't
}
} You owe the Oracle a shiny lump of coal.
} You owe the Oracle a vacuum.
} You owe the Oracle a power supply.
} You owe the Oracle a frozen turd.
} You owe the Oracle a Consolidated Edison substation.
} You owe the Oracle subscript out of range protection violation
} core dumped.
} #
}
} > Hello?


887-07    (9nDvF dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, whose onomastic is onomatopaeic,
>
> I went down to the velodrome to ride my bike,
> took a wrong turn and wound up at the palindrome instead.
> What can I say? I got turned around.
>
> As I was trying to find a way out, I wondered,
>
> Why is "monosyllabic" such a sesquipedalian word?
> And why is there no anagram of "anagram"?
> Why isn't "palindrome" the same spelled backwards?
> And why, Oh why, isn't "telephony" defined as remote falsehood?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SCENE -- a dingy warehouse down on the docks. Crates from exotic lands,
}          full of contraband, are stacked floor-to-ceiling. Several
}          tough looking individuals, complete with tatoos and
}          shoulder-holsters, are sitting at desks hunched over thick
}          books. A man (WEBSTER) sits at a computer set up on an ancient
}          card table.
}
} WEBSTER: (reading) "The jig is up, boys, they're on to us!"
}
} The gang jumps up from the tables. Some draw their guns and start
} looking around. Others beging to pack up the books and equipment.
}
} OXFORD: (nervously) "How many times did I tell you you should have made
}         an anagram for 'anagram'!? But Nooooooo, you couldn't listen to
}         me!"
}
} WEBSTER: Bitch-slaps Oxford. "Shaddap."
}
} ROGET: Anne, I vote more cards race Rome to Vienna!
}
} WEBSTER: (are you crazy?) "What?"
}
} ROGET: Marge lets Norah see Sharon's telegram.
}
} WEBSTER: "Well, that may very well be, but..."
}
} WITTGENSTEIN: "So, who wants to play a game?"
}
} Suddenly the huge main doors of the warehouse burst open. Dozens of
} police pour through, engaging in a running gun battle with the armed
} thugs, led by the SUPPLICANT.
}
} SUPPLICANT: "Feculent interlocutors! Your contemptable impedence to
}             efficacious communication is at an end!"
}
} OXFORD: "Oh crap."
}
} SUPPLICANT: "From now on the word for a phrase that's the same forwards
}             and backwards will be 'palinilap' or 'emordrome'..."
}
} WEBSTER: (sneeting, to Oxford) "Look who discovered
} retroreduplication!"
}
} By now the thugs, masterminds, and cops are all staring at the
} supplicant, engrossed in a triumphant mania.
}
} SUPPLICANT: (unheeding) "...From now on all words will be autological!
}             And by law 'mana rag' must be a usable phrase! Now that
}             we've found out your demonomanic scheme, your collective
}             asses are grasses (or some such)."
}
} WITTGENSTEIN: "Look, you gibbering mass of linguistic crapulence. I
}               find your procrustean attitude intolerable!"
}
} SUPPLICANT: "Huh?"
}
} WITTGENSTEIN: "Words are the way they are for a reason. You can't go
}               around expecting an evolving, dynamic system to make
}               sense or follow rules. Just learn to go with the flow
}               dude."
}
} Supplicant considers, becomes unutterably downcast. Supplicant shuffles
} back out, followed slowly by cops. Webster, Roget, Oxford, Wittgenstein
} and henchmen are pefectly still watching them leave.
}
} As last cop rounds the corner, all burst out laughing
}
} WITTGENSTEIN: "I *cannot* believe he *fell* for that!"
}
} OXFORD: "You're still the king, boss!"
}
} WITTGENSTEIN: (hardened) "OK, enough bull! We've still got a lot of
}               work to do! I want ten new heterologic words by the end
}               of the night!"
}
} ROGET: "You owe the Oracle the meaning of the phrase 'esarh peht fog
}         Nina aem eh tel car oehtew ouoy'!"


887-08    (6gFIA dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Minimalism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed.


887-09    (*mea9 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Promiscuous Oracle, who lies with statistics (when Lisa's not
> watching),
>
> There used to be, from time to time, a really awful unfunny item in
> the Digest that would get a score of 2.2 or 1.9 or lower; these
> days, I never see that kind of score.
>
> I wonder if the selection is really better or if the voters just
> give higher scores. I suppose the only way to find out is for one of
> your Priests to choose a really lame one, that isn't funny at all,
> and see what kind of score it gets.
>
> Is this sufficiently unfunny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Probably.
}
} Voters, please give this Oracularity a vote of 1 (or lower if you
} can trick the software into accepting it) [don't bother trying -ed]
} and let's see if an all-time record can be set here and now.  It'll be
} really double-plus-unfunny if that happens.  Trust me.
}
} Supplicant, if by chance you end up with a 1.2 average or higher,
} here are some further ideas you can try, to reduce future humor
} content and make sure the priests say "t'ain't funny, McGee."
}
} 10) Lines from any recent Chevy Chase movie.
} 9)  Lines from just about any teary country & western song about trucks
}       that won't run, or pet dogs that died, or spouses that left.
} 8)  C-SPAN.
} 7)  E-spam.
} 6)  Veal.
} 5)  Your next pay raise.
} 4)  Your next tax bill.
} 3)  There is no number 3.  (*giggle*  Oops, better skip that one,
}       lame as it now may be, some might still find it faintly risible.)
} 2)  Ten thousand nuns and orphans, all eaten by RATS.
} 1)  A Letterman style top ten list.
}
} Supplicant, you owe the Oracle a recording of Chevy Chase performing
} his greatest country hits.


887-10    (dtCEn dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Mark McCafferty" <markm@dogfish.brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I tell if I lost the right sock or the left sock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have one sock, right?  Put it on, right?  The other one is left,
} right?


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org