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Internet Oracularities #889

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889, 889-01, 889-02, 889-03, 889-04, 889-05, 889-06, 889-07, 889-08, 889-09, 889-10


Internet Oracularities #889    (107 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 14:49:11 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   889
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

889  107 votes gyvm4 ctzo7 86uvw 6mors 7qxy7 3yAq8 btEl6 9mAnh 5dzBh 9eBvg
889   3.1 mean  2.7   2.9   3.7   3.5   3.1   3.0   2.8   3.2   3.4   3.3


889-01    (gyvm4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't fool me, Mr. Hallmark... just go ahead and invent a new one!
}
} You owe the oracle a "National Woodchuck Defenestration Day" greeting
} card.


889-02    (ctzo7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't my browser find a URL. (Whats a URL?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do not need to be intimidated by all this techie internet stuff.
} Just follow these easy graphical instructions and everything will be
} OK.
}
}  1)
}
} +---+----------------------------------------------------------------+
} | X | MicroSoft Internet Exploder User Friendly Confirmation Request |
} +--------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |                                                                    |
} |                           Sufficient amount of URL found           |
} |        (DON'T PANIC!)     Are you sure you want to detonate it?    |
} |                                                                    |
} |       +--------------#                     +--------------+        |
} |       |===== OK =====#                     |    Cancel    |        |
} |       +=========|\===#                     +--------------+        |
} +-----------------|_\------------------------------------------------+
}                    |\
}
}  2)
}
} +---+----------------------------------------------------------------+
} | X | MicroSoft Internet Exploder - The Big Brother is Watching You! |
} +--------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |                                                                    |
} |                        An illegal operation has been attempted.    |
} |          (PANIC!)      The Internet will be shut down.             |
} |                                                                    |
} |       +--------------#                     +--------------+        |
} |       |===== OK =====#                     |    Cancel    |        |
} |       +=========|\===#                     +--------------+        |
} +-----------------|_\------------------------------------------------+
}                    |\


889-03    (86uvw dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who remembers all the legends in minute detail, I
> was reading the works of Homer recently, and I came across this guy,
> one of the heroes, called Ajax.  Was there, by any chance, another
> Greek hero called Comet?  I couldn't find any references to him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good intellect, oh supplicant! Indeed there was a hero called Comet (so
} named because, on the night of his birth, a fiery comet lit up the
} sky-- an omen from the gods that the child would have a strange
} destiny.) Comet (in Greek, of course, but this keyboard seems oddly
} sticky and I can't seem to get it to make those wonderful Greek
} characters that bring back such memories) was a contemporary and friend
} of Ajax. In fact, rather more than friends, in a Greek sort of way, if
} you get my drift. (Good friends; as the Franglais might say, _bon ami_)
} Ajax was the stronger and more masculine of the two, and performed most
} of the heroic deeds; Comet would take care of the paperwork. Together
} they were called the Cleansers of Greece, for where they passed,
} looting, destroying, and filing change-of-address cards, nothing
} remained.
} Then one day in their wanderings, Ajax set out to hunt for food,
} leaving his comrade and lover behind to do tax returns. Ajax set out
} into the sylvan glades, and soon spotted a magnificent antelope. With a
} prayer of thanks to Artemis, he raised his bow. The beast saw the
} motion, but instead of fleeing, came up like a tame thing to bow its
} noble head in respect to the great hero. In awe, Ajax set aside his bow
} and stroked the animal. One thing led to another, and Comet came
} looking and found them locked in a compromising position. It was clear
} that Ajax had no further use for his human lover.
} Torn by grief and jealousy, Comet ran from the scene, pleading
} with the gods to take pity on him, and restore his position in the
} heart of his lover. As was not unusual for the Greek deities, they
} solved his problem by turning him into something. He was transformed
} into a magificent stag; far more beautiful than any antelope, sure to
} win the heart of Ajax. But Ajax did not recognize the deer that was
} following him around, and sold him to a stock merchant; the age-old
} tradition of "passing the buck". Artemis took pity on the poor animal,
} and brought it under her protection; you can see the stag in some of
} the friezes with her (sometimes it's dead, but Artemis is a kidder that
} way; run 'em to death and then bring them back to life and do it all
} over again.) In her declining years, Artemis also "passed the buck",
} selling Comet to a fat, bearded gentleman wearing a red and white suit
} who was working on building a team of eight. Ajax, the antelope
} forgotten in shame over his vanished friend, set out to eliminate
} Comet's name from all records, so that none would know the terrible
} tale. A hundred poets were slain; when asked why, Ajax would only
} reply, "No Comet," and slash with his sword. Soon the stain was
} scrubbed from history, and Ajax went on to die gloriously in that big
} war with the wooden horse.
}
} You owe the Oracle a biography of Homer. Be sure to include his
} wife Marge, and Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, the kids.


889-04    (6mors dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, man, don't have a cow!  What's your beef, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be so bossy!!
}
}       Sorry, I should switch to de-calf-inated. But people keep oxing
} me all these damn questions, heifer minute of the day; if it isn't
} one thing, it's anudder. It's just tripe. You'd need the patience of
} the Brahman! I can't steer clear of it anymore, and that's no bull.
} There's no way I cud.  The steaks are too high. I'm ready to chuck
} the whole thing in the trash brisket. Do you understand how I veal!?
} No one cares if I liver die.
}       I've started drinking again; the Holstein at each gulp. Angus
} to top it all off, Zadoc tells me a recent Poll shows my popularity's
} falling. That little runt! How dairy!? And as for Lisa? Get that
} Galloway from me! She's nothing but trouble; always moo-dy. I'll get
} a pet instead. A cattle be more fun.
}       Oh, I'm sorry. What a jerky thing to say. She herd me. Come
} back, my beauty of the tender loins and round rump...!
}       This'll take some work. Burger off, supplicant. I need to
} ruminate.
}
}       You owe the Oracle some sheepish expressions.


889-05    (7qxy7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can cause more trouble without a single prop than
> I ever could at all, what is the most ammusing thing I could do with
> two cans of silly string, 144 plastic cockroaches, a small fish, a
> frisbee, and a Tesla coil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat them.
}
} Oh! You meant amusing for YOU.  Well let's see...
}
} (1.) Try to get someone else to eat them.
}
} Or if that doesn't work out:
}
} (2.) Invite a friend over to play frisbee.  Before (s)he arrives,
} spray yourself liberally (or conservatively if you're a republican)
} with the silly string, then press the plastic cockroaches into the
} sticky string material.  When your friend arrives, explain that it's
} your frisbee uniform, and use the other can of silly string and the
} rest of the cockroaches on him (or her).  Then when (s)he bends down to
} pick up the frisbee, force-feed the fish a small magnet, stuff it into
} the tesla coil, and drop the coil and fish down your friend's pants.
} This works better if you happen to be outside.  Your friend will be
} quite the sight leaping around in his/her bizarre costume.  When the
} police arrive explain that you are granted the right of religious
} freedom by the US constitution and that your friend is about to
} get naked.  Later, visit your friend in prison and laugh at him/her.
} Remember to say "Don't you wish you had eaten them when I asked?"
} each time you visit.
}
} You owe the Oracle pictures and the police report.


889-06    (3yAq8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 ty Oracle, who is a true lover of films, an
>
>                 efused to show letterboxed movies, even tho
>                 can I get them to realize that without lett
>                 iots probably think that letterboxing doesn
>                 still won't show movies in their original w
>                 yone really like pan-n-scan? It's such a st
>                 ey still insist that people don't want lett
>                 rons who think the public wants to see muti
>                 how dumb do they think we are, anyway? We k
>                 n-scan is a crock. Everyone knows that. But
>                 beciles at the networks don't understand En
>                 get them to show letterboxed films, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sympathisizes with you.  I have received mail from many
} people on both sides of the issue.  Believe it or not, there actually
} are many fools out there who don't like letter boxing.  Something about
} not liking the blank space on the top and bottom of the screen.
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} I admit this may not seem like much at first, but as the saying goes,
} it takes all types to make a world.  The Oracle, of course disagrees.
} If everyone were as smart as even you supplicants, this world would be
} a far better place.  I have a plan in action,  but until then here is a
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} suggestion: Simply adjust height of the picture on your screen!  This
} way, you will at least be able to pretend the film is in letterbox.
} And when that day comes that all videos show films in their actual
} length, and not regulate it to special editions, you can adjust it
} back to normal.
}
}
}
}
}
}
}
} You owe the oracle tickets to the movie of my choice.


889-07    (btEl6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who often sheepishly clones himself as a clown --
>
> If I took a lot of jello, say a bathtub full, and ran a
> whole lot of electricity through it, say 220 volts,
> would I be able to create life or at least something
> like it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} In order to create life you need at least 738 Volts.
}
} The best you can do at 220 Volts is John Tesh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a John Tesh CD and a sledge hammer.


889-08    (9mAnh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, yea, thou whose clue is magnificent and powerful, thou whose
> intellect baffles the intellect, thou whose buttocks are not flabby --
>
> What is the secret hidden meaning of the geographical positioning of
> "Waffle House" restaurants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    If we take the locations of Waffle House restaurants in a typical
} southern town like, say, Sarasota, Florida, we see the following
} pattern:
}                        X                      X
}
}               X   X
}                               X     X   X
}                      X
}
}                   X      X    X     X   X     X
}
}
}                             X
}
}                                      X
}
}
}                             X    X   X
}
}
}                      X                              X
}
}
}                      X                   X          X
}
}                             X
}                    X                X    X        X
}
}    To the uninitiated eye, this pattern is, of course, meaningless.
} However, if we add certain special curved lines to the above set
} of positions, the secret message comes forth...
}
}                 /------\                      /
}                /        \                     !
}               /   !     /                     !
}                   !    /  /---!     /   /     !
}                   !  -/  /    !     !   !     !
}                   !      |   /!     !   !     !
}                   !      !__/ !____/!___!_____\___
}
}
}                             o
}
}                             /       /!
}                             !      / !
}                             !     /  !
}                             !____/  _/
}
}
}                      /                              /
}                      !                              !
}                      !                              !
}                  /---!      !-/      /---!      /---!
}                 /    !      !/      /    !     /    !
}                 !    !      /       |   /!     !    !
}                 !--/ !_____/!_______!__/ !_____!--/ !
}
}    You owe the Oracle a Waffle House that's not stuck in the 1960's.


889-09    (5dzBh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and illustrious Oracle, who knows all kinds of stuff,
>
> I need a new computer, preferably a fast one with lots of goodies.
> Where can I get $3000 really quick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here's the deal. You start selling stock market tips. "But I know
} nothing of commodities!" I hear you exclaim. Have no fear -- with the
} BRAND NEW (IMPROVED!!) Oracle's Miracle Market Tip Factory (tm) (r)
} (tm), you too can earn $3000 in the space of 10 weeks, for the price
} of less than 2048000 postage stamps and 2000 Q-Tips!
}
} This scam really works!! Of course, I myself have never tried it, but
} my friend's uncle almost did, and...
}
} Well, never mind. Let's get down to business. Anyone in their right
} mind would gladly pay $3 for GUARANTEED ROCK-SOLID stock-market tips
} -- all you have to do is sell tips to 1000
} sucke^H^H^H^H^Hclients. Remember, this is supposed to look legitimate!
}
} Pick 1024000 prospective suckers, and send each of them a letter
} saying how you're going to mail them tips for ten weeks, after which
} they'll need to pay $3 to receive further tips. EXPLAIN to them how
} THIS IS NOT A SCAM. Make sure to USE CAPITAL LETTERS in your LETTER,
} and add a mimeographed signature (not your own, of course) in a
} different colour at the bottom of the page. Enclose the first tip:
} Half of them (512000) get told IBM will go down this week, the other
} half that it will go up.
}
} The following week, let's say IBM stocks went up. Dump the losers you
} told it would go down, and split the 512000 wise investors into two --
} tell each half something different. Make sure to use the term "Price /
} Market / Performance / Index" in your letter.
}
} Continue like this for 10 weeks. At the end, you'll have 1000 suckers
} convinced you're omniscient (and you were probably wondering how _I_
} do it. Well, let me tell you something -- That's not how I do it!
} Well, not exactly). Ask each for $3 in order to continue sending them
} tips.
}
} If you didn't send them anything, it would be mail fraud. So mail each
} one 2 Q-Tips.
}
} You owe the Oracle bail, set at $2999.95.


889-10    (9eBvg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                   ORACULAR PERFORMANCE EVALUATION FOR 1996
>                               March 2, 1997
>
> I. Purpose
>
>   The purpose of this Oracular Performance Evaluation is to determine
> the effectiveness of the Oracle, an omniscient being created to answer
> questions from creatures endowed with sentience and the capability to
> ask questions ("supplicants").  If performance is judged to be of very
> poor quality, the Oracle program shall be terminated immediately to
> avoid further cost.
>
> II. Method
>
>   The Oracular Performance Evaluation shall proceed as follows:
>    1. Several questions shall be submitted to the Oracle to judge
>       timeliness and quality of response
>    2. The Oracle's annual budget shall be evaluated and judgement shall
>       be made as to the effectiveness of the Oracle's use of the money
>       provided to him.
>    3. A personal interview with the Oracle shall be conducted to
>       determine any areas of additional interest.
>
> III. Evaluation
>
>   A. Questions
>
>   First Question:
>
> > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
> > wood?
>
> } **ZOT**!
>
>   As you can see, the Oracle's response to the first question is short,
> succinct, and to the point.  It is not, however, helpful.  It consists
> entirely of one single zot, the purpose of which is to destroy the
> supplicant.  Unless the supplicant has another person ask the question
> for he or she, and the supplicant is capable of interpreting the
> remains of the victim (as often performed by many ancient shamans, who
> would often kill a sacrificial animal and then prophecize based on the
> entrails of the previously mentioned animal), this response is
> completely ineffective as a means of conveying the Oracle's response.
>
>   Rating (1 to 10): 1.00
>
>   Second Question:
> >
>
> } I told you no more null questions!  **ZOT**!
>
>   As before, the Oracle's response is short, succinct, and to the
> point. Again, it is not helpful.  The supplicant's obvious use of the
> null question was completely misunderstood by the Oracle.  The Oracle's
> response was once again useless, as, similar to the previous inquiry,
> it requires two supplicants, with the second being capable of
> interpreting the remains of the victim.  As with the previous failed
> supplication, this response is completely ineffective as a means of
> conveying the Oracle's answer to the supplicant.
>
>   Rating (1 to 10): 1.00
>
>   Third Question:
>
> > Do you have a girlfriend?  Can I go on a date with her?
>
> } Lisa is mine.  **ZOT**!
>
>   Much like the first two questions, the Oracle's response is short,
> succinct, and to the point.  However, unlike the previous two
> questions, the Oracle's response may be considered helpful in this
> instance because it provides not only the name of his girlfriend (who
> shall be checked into as a possible source of money loss) but that the
> Oracle considers her his own.  This answers the first question very
> well, in that not only is the supplicant given the fact that the Oracle
> has a girlfriend, but her name as well.  The second part of the
> question, however, has been answered by the zot technique that is
> apparently very common, and is onjce again ineffective.
>
>   Rating (1 to 10): 1.67
>
>   Average rating: 1.11
>
>   The Oracle's question answering service is extremely ineffective,
> giving poor responses in nearly 100% of test cases.
>
>   B. Budget
>
> Expenses                                                     Costs
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> Thirty-seven (37) zot staff battery packs.................$3700.00
> Women's lingerie..........................................$1500.00
> See's Candies..............................................$250.00
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> Total                                                     $5450.00
>
>   No items of payment have been collected from supplicants.
>
>   Total loss: -$6830.00
>
>   The budget is a very strange one.  The use of 37 zot battery packs is
> excessive; only 1 is budgeted for the current year.  The lingerie and
> See's Candies can perhaps be explained by the existance of Lisa, the
> Oracle's apparent girlfriend.  These are unacceptable expenses the
> value of which must be repaid by the Oracle himself, as the general
> fund is not to be used for such purposes.
>
>   C. Interview
>
> > What are your current concerns in matters relating to the state of
> > your question and answer operation?
>
> } You didn't grovel.  **ZOT**!
>
>   The interview went very quickly.  It was totally unproductive, to the
> point of the interview being detrimental to Oracular Performance
> Evaluation.  It is recommended that this step be removed in the future.
>
> IV. Conclusion
>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... let's go over some of the finer points of this so-called
} 'report' shall we...
}
} > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
} > > wood?
} >
} > } **ZOT**!
} >
} >   As you can see, the Oracle's response to the first question is
} > short, succinct, and to the point.  It is not, however, helpful.  It
} > consists
}
} Not helpful?  NOT HELPFUL!!?  Obviously you have not studied the
} links between woodchuck fetishes and violent crime n the world.
} At least 98% of all known violent criminals have a woodchuck fetish.
} John Wilkes Booth?  Woodchuck lover.  Ted Bundy?  Kept 'em as pets.
} Jeffery Dahmer?  Probably ate a few.  The list goes on (and I won't
} mention what is says about Mr. Clinton).  So you see, the number of
} Zotted supplicants with woodchuck fetishes has done untold GOOD to this
} planet of ours!  Children are safer in the streets now thanks to me.
}
} >   Second Question:
} >
} > >
} >
} > } I told you no more null questions!  **ZOT**!
}
} Oh yeah, when was the last time I gave such a lame answer to a
} null question?  Would you be so kind as to do a little more thorough
} research in future?  I mean, do take a look at oracularities 729-02,
} 732-05, 733-01, 741-02, 743-06, 746-05, 760-09, 761-04, 764-10,
} 765-07, 774-04, 777-07, 778-10, 779-04, 780-09, 783-01, 797-03 ....
} well you get the idea.  All Brilliant answers to null questions,
} I'll think you'll find.
}
} >   Third Question:
} >
} > > Do you have a girlfriend?  Can I go on a date with her?
} >
} > } Lisa is mine.  **ZOT**!
}
} Not helpful?  Don't you see my skilful use of diversionary tactics...
} for the real story I recommed you look at 736-01.
}
} The interview, I can understand.  I mean, you really shouldn't
} have sent Zadoc as the interviewing officer.  Witness 842-09, and
} especially 853-03.
}
} And so, in conclusion, as the benefit to society I provide is clearly
} demonstrable, the loyalty I show to my Significant Other is admirable,
} and dog-gone it, people like me, it is course expected that once again
} my bidget shall be doubled.  Thank you, yes, just leaves the wads of
} cash at the temple door, I'll send someone to collect them shortly.
}
} You owe the Oracle a private librarian for going through all the
} Oracularites of the past two years or so...


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