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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can't fool me, Mr. Hallmark... just go ahead and invent a new one! } } You owe the oracle a "National Woodchuck Defenestration Day" greeting } card.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't my browser find a URL. (Whats a URL?)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do not need to be intimidated by all this techie internet stuff. } Just follow these easy graphical instructions and everything will be } OK. } }  1) } } +---+----------------------------------------------------------------+ } | X | MicroSoft Internet Exploder User Friendly Confirmation Request | } +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ } |                                                                    | } |                           Sufficient amount of URL found           | } |        (DON'T PANIC!)     Are you sure you want to detonate it?    | } |                                                                    | } |       +--------------#                     +--------------+        | } |       |===== OK =====#                     |    Cancel    |        | } |       +=========|\===#                     +--------------+        | } +-----------------|_\------------------------------------------------+ }                    |\ } }  2) } } +---+----------------------------------------------------------------+ } | X | MicroSoft Internet Exploder - The Big Brother is Watching You! | } +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ } |                                                                    | } |                        An illegal operation has been attempted.    | } |          (PANIC!)      The Internet will be shut down.             | } |                                                                    | } |       +--------------#                     +--------------+        | } |       |===== OK =====#                     |    Cancel    |        | } |       +=========|\===#                     +--------------+        | } +-----------------|_\------------------------------------------------+ }                    |\

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who remembers all the legends in minute detail, I > was reading the works of Homer recently, and I came across this guy, > one of the heroes, called Ajax.  Was there, by any chance, another > Greek hero called Comet?  I couldn't find any references to him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good intellect, oh supplicant! Indeed there was a hero called Comet (so } named because, on the night of his birth, a fiery comet lit up the } sky-- an omen from the gods that the child would have a strange } destiny.) Comet (in Greek, of course, but this keyboard seems oddly } sticky and I can't seem to get it to make those wonderful Greek } characters that bring back such memories) was a contemporary and friend } of Ajax. In fact, rather more than friends, in a Greek sort of way, if } you get my drift. (Good friends; as the Franglais might say, _bon ami_) } Ajax was the stronger and more masculine of the two, and performed most } of the heroic deeds; Comet would take care of the paperwork. Together } they were called the Cleansers of Greece, for where they passed, } looting, destroying, and filing change-of-address cards, nothing } remained. } Then one day in their wanderings, Ajax set out to hunt for food, } leaving his comrade and lover behind to do tax returns. Ajax set out } into the sylvan glades, and soon spotted a magnificent antelope. With a } prayer of thanks to Artemis, he raised his bow. The beast saw the } motion, but instead of fleeing, came up like a tame thing to bow its } noble head in respect to the great hero. In awe, Ajax set aside his bow } and stroked the animal. One thing led to another, and Comet came } looking and found them locked in a compromising position. It was clear } that Ajax had no further use for his human lover. } Torn by grief and jealousy, Comet ran from the scene, pleading } with the gods to take pity on him, and restore his position in the } heart of his lover. As was not unusual for the Greek deities, they } solved his problem by turning him into something. He was transformed } into a magificent stag; far more beautiful than any antelope, sure to } win the heart of Ajax. But Ajax did not recognize the deer that was } following him around, and sold him to a stock merchant; the age-old } tradition of "passing the buck". Artemis took pity on the poor animal, } and brought it under her protection; you can see the stag in some of } the friezes with her (sometimes it's dead, but Artemis is a kidder that } way; run 'em to death and then bring them back to life and do it all } over again.) In her declining years, Artemis also "passed the buck", } selling Comet to a fat, bearded gentleman wearing a red and white suit } who was working on building a team of eight. Ajax, the antelope } forgotten in shame over his vanished friend, set out to eliminate } Comet's name from all records, so that none would know the terrible } tale. A hundred poets were slain; when asked why, Ajax would only } reply, "No Comet," and slash with his sword. Soon the stain was } scrubbed from history, and Ajax went on to die gloriously in that big } war with the wooden horse. } } You owe the Oracle a biography of Homer. Be sure to include his } wife Marge, and Bart, Lisa, and Maggie, the kids.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, man, don't have a cow!  What's your beef, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be so bossy!! } }       Sorry, I should switch to de-calf-inated. But people keep oxing } me all these damn questions, heifer minute of the day; if it isn't } one thing, it's anudder. It's just tripe. You'd need the patience of } the Brahman! I can't steer clear of it anymore, and that's no bull. } There's no way I cud.  The steaks are too high. I'm ready to chuck } the whole thing in the trash brisket. Do you understand how I veal!? } No one cares if I liver die. }       I've started drinking again; the Holstein at each gulp. Angus } to top it all off, Zadoc tells me a recent Poll shows my popularity's } falling. That little runt! How dairy!? And as for Lisa? Get that } Galloway from me! She's nothing but trouble; always moo-dy. I'll get } a pet instead. A cattle be more fun. }       Oh, I'm sorry. What a jerky thing to say. She herd me. Come } back, my beauty of the tender loins and round rump...! }       This'll take some work. Burger off, supplicant. I need to } ruminate. } }       You owe the Oracle some sheepish expressions.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can cause more trouble without a single prop than > I ever could at all, what is the most ammusing thing I could do with > two cans of silly string, 144 plastic cockroaches, a small fish, a > frisbee, and a Tesla coil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat them. } } Oh! You meant amusing for YOU.  Well let's see... } } (1.) Try to get someone else to eat them. } } Or if that doesn't work out: } } (2.) Invite a friend over to play frisbee.  Before (s)he arrives, } spray yourself liberally (or conservatively if you're a republican) } with the silly string, then press the plastic cockroaches into the } sticky string material.  When your friend arrives, explain that it's } your frisbee uniform, and use the other can of silly string and the } rest of the cockroaches on him (or her).  Then when (s)he bends down to } pick up the frisbee, force-feed the fish a small magnet, stuff it into } the tesla coil, and drop the coil and fish down your friend's pants. } This works better if you happen to be outside.  Your friend will be } quite the sight leaping around in his/her bizarre costume.  When the } police arrive explain that you are granted the right of religious } freedom by the US constitution and that your friend is about to } get naked.  Later, visit your friend in prison and laugh at him/her. } Remember to say "Don't you wish you had eaten them when I asked?" } each time you visit. } } You owe the Oracle pictures and the police report.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 ty Oracle, who is a true lover of films, an > >                 efused to show letterboxed movies, even tho >                 can I get them to realize that without lett >                 iots probably think that letterboxing doesn >                 still won't show movies in their original w >                 yone really like pan-n-scan? It's such a st >                 ey still insist that people don't want lett >                 rons who think the public wants to see muti >                 how dumb do they think we are, anyway? We k >                 n-scan is a crock. Everyone knows that. But >                 beciles at the networks don't understand En >                 get them to show letterboxed films, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sympathisizes with you.  I have received mail from many } people on both sides of the issue.  Believe it or not, there actually } are many fools out there who don't like letter boxing.  Something about } not liking the blank space on the top and bottom of the screen. } } } } } } } } I admit this may not seem like much at first, but as the saying goes, } it takes all types to make a world.  The Oracle, of course disagrees. } If everyone were as smart as even you supplicants, this world would be } a far better place.  I have a plan in action,  but until then here is a } } } } } } } } suggestion: Simply adjust height of the picture on your screen!  This } way, you will at least be able to pretend the film is in letterbox. } And when that day comes that all videos show films in their actual } length, and not regulate it to special editions, you can adjust it } back to normal. } } } } } } } } You owe the oracle tickets to the movie of my choice.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who often sheepishly clones himself as a clown -- > > If I took a lot of jello, say a bathtub full, and ran a > whole lot of electricity through it, say 220 volts, > would I be able to create life or at least something > like it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. } } In order to create life you need at least 738 Volts. } } The best you can do at 220 Volts is John Tesh. } } You owe the Oracle a John Tesh CD and a sledge hammer.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, yea, thou whose clue is magnificent and powerful, thou whose > intellect baffles the intellect, thou whose buttocks are not flabby -- > > What is the secret hidden meaning of the geographical positioning of > "Waffle House" restaurants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    If we take the locations of Waffle House restaurants in a typical } southern town like, say, Sarasota, Florida, we see the following } pattern: }                        X                      X } }               X   X }                               X     X   X }                      X } }                   X      X    X     X   X     X } } }                             X } }                                      X } } }                             X    X   X } } }                      X                              X } } }                      X                   X          X } }                             X }                    X                X    X        X } }    To the uninitiated eye, this pattern is, of course, meaningless. } However, if we add certain special curved lines to the above set } of positions, the secret message comes forth... } }                 /------\                      / }                /        \                     ! }               /   !     /                     ! }                   !    /  /---!     /   /     ! }                   !  -/  /    !     !   !     ! }                   !      |   /!     !   !     ! }                   !      !__/ !____/!___!_____\___ } } }                             o } }                             /       /! }                             !      / ! }                             !     /  ! }                             !____/  _/ } } }                      /                              / }                      !                              ! }                      !                              ! }                  /---!      !-/      /---!      /---! }                 /    !      !/      /    !     /    ! }                 !    !      /       |   /!     !    ! }                 !--/ !_____/!_______!__/ !_____!--/ ! } }    You owe the Oracle a Waffle House that's not stuck in the 1960's.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and illustrious Oracle, who knows all kinds of stuff, > > I need a new computer, preferably a fast one with lots of goodies. > Where can I get $3000 really quick?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here's the deal. You start selling stock market tips. "But I know } nothing of commodities!" I hear you exclaim. Have no fear -- with the } BRAND NEW (IMPROVED!!) Oracle's Miracle Market Tip Factory (tm) (r) } (tm), you too can earn $3000 in the space of 10 weeks, for the price } of less than 2048000 postage stamps and 2000 Q-Tips! } } This scam really works!! Of course, I myself have never tried it, but } my friend's uncle almost did, and... } } Well, never mind. Let's get down to business. Anyone in their right } mind would gladly pay $3 for GUARANTEED ROCK-SOLID stock-market tips } -- all you have to do is sell tips to 1000 } sucke^H^H^H^H^Hclients. Remember, this is supposed to look legitimate! } } Pick 1024000 prospective suckers, and send each of them a letter } saying how you're going to mail them tips for ten weeks, after which } they'll need to pay $3 to receive further tips. EXPLAIN to them how } THIS IS NOT A SCAM. Make sure to USE CAPITAL LETTERS in your LETTER, } and add a mimeographed signature (not your own, of course) in a } different colour at the bottom of the page. Enclose the first tip: } Half of them (512000) get told IBM will go down this week, the other } half that it will go up. } } The following week, let's say IBM stocks went up. Dump the losers you } told it would go down, and split the 512000 wise investors into two -- } tell each half something different. Make sure to use the term "Price / } Market / Performance / Index" in your letter. } } Continue like this for 10 weeks. At the end, you'll have 1000 suckers } convinced you're omniscient (and you were probably wondering how _I_ } do it. Well, let me tell you something -- That's not how I do it! } Well, not exactly). Ask each for $3 in order to continue sending them } tips. } } If you didn't send them anything, it would be mail fraud. So mail each } one 2 Q-Tips. } } You owe the Oracle bail, set at $2999.95.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                   ORACULAR PERFORMANCE EVALUATION FOR 1996 >                               March 2, 1997 > > I. Purpose > >   The purpose of this Oracular Performance Evaluation is to determine > the effectiveness of the Oracle, an omniscient being created to answer > questions from creatures endowed with sentience and the capability to > ask questions ("supplicants").  If performance is judged to be of very > poor quality, the Oracle program shall be terminated immediately to > avoid further cost. > > II. Method > >   The Oracular Performance Evaluation shall proceed as follows: >    1. Several questions shall be submitted to the Oracle to judge >       timeliness and quality of response >    2. The Oracle's annual budget shall be evaluated and judgement shall >       be made as to the effectiveness of the Oracle's use of the money >       provided to him. >    3. A personal interview with the Oracle shall be conducted to >       determine any areas of additional interest. > > III. Evaluation > >   A. Questions > >   First Question: > > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck > > wood? > > } **ZOT**! > >   As you can see, the Oracle's response to the first question is short, > succinct, and to the point.  It is not, however, helpful.  It consists > entirely of one single zot, the purpose of which is to destroy the > supplicant.  Unless the supplicant has another person ask the question > for he or she, and the supplicant is capable of interpreting the > remains of the victim (as often performed by many ancient shamans, who > would often kill a sacrificial animal and then prophecize based on the > entrails of the previously mentioned animal), this response is > completely ineffective as a means of conveying the Oracle's response. > >   Rating (1 to 10): 1.00 > >   Second Question: > > > > } I told you no more null questions!  **ZOT**! > >   As before, the Oracle's response is short, succinct, and to the > point. Again, it is not helpful.  The supplicant's obvious use of the > null question was completely misunderstood by the Oracle.  The Oracle's > response was once again useless, as, similar to the previous inquiry, > it requires two supplicants, with the second being capable of > interpreting the remains of the victim.  As with the previous failed > supplication, this response is completely ineffective as a means of > conveying the Oracle's answer to the supplicant. > >   Rating (1 to 10): 1.00 > >   Third Question: > > > Do you have a girlfriend?  Can I go on a date with her? > > } Lisa is mine.  **ZOT**! > >   Much like the first two questions, the Oracle's response is short, > succinct, and to the point.  However, unlike the previous two > questions, the Oracle's response may be considered helpful in this > instance because it provides not only the name of his girlfriend (who > shall be checked into as a possible source of money loss) but that the > Oracle considers her his own.  This answers the first question very > well, in that not only is the supplicant given the fact that the Oracle > has a girlfriend, but her name as well.  The second part of the > question, however, has been answered by the zot technique that is > apparently very common, and is onjce again ineffective. > >   Rating (1 to 10): 1.67 > >   Average rating: 1.11 > >   The Oracle's question answering service is extremely ineffective, > giving poor responses in nearly 100% of test cases. > >   B. Budget > > Expenses                                                     Costs > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > Thirty-seven (37) zot staff battery packs.................$3700.00 > Women's lingerie..........................................$1500.00 > See's Candies..............................................$250.00 > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > Total                                                     $5450.00 > >   No items of payment have been collected from supplicants. > >   Total loss: -$6830.00 > >   The budget is a very strange one.  The use of 37 zot battery packs is > excessive; only 1 is budgeted for the current year.  The lingerie and > See's Candies can perhaps be explained by the existance of Lisa, the > Oracle's apparent girlfriend.  These are unacceptable expenses the > value of which must be repaid by the Oracle himself, as the general > fund is not to be used for such purposes. > >   C. Interview > > > What are your current concerns in matters relating to the state of > > your question and answer operation? > > } You didn't grovel.  **ZOT**! > >   The interview went very quickly.  It was totally unproductive, to the > point of the interview being detrimental to Oracular Performance > Evaluation.  It is recommended that this step be removed in the future. > > IV. Conclusion >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... let's go over some of the finer points of this so-called } 'report' shall we... } } > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck } > > wood? } > } > } **ZOT**! } > } >   As you can see, the Oracle's response to the first question is } > short, succinct, and to the point.  It is not, however, helpful.  It } > consists } } Not helpful?  NOT HELPFUL!!?  Obviously you have not studied the } links between woodchuck fetishes and violent crime n the world. } At least 98% of all known violent criminals have a woodchuck fetish. } John Wilkes Booth?  Woodchuck lover.  Ted Bundy?  Kept 'em as pets. } Jeffery Dahmer?  Probably ate a few.  The list goes on (and I won't } mention what is says about Mr. Clinton).  So you see, the number of } Zotted supplicants with woodchuck fetishes has done untold GOOD to this } planet of ours!  Children are safer in the streets now thanks to me. } } >   Second Question: } > } > > } > } > } I told you no more null questions!  **ZOT**! } } Oh yeah, when was the last time I gave such a lame answer to a } null question?  Would you be so kind as to do a little more thorough } research in future?  I mean, do take a look at oracularities 729-02, } 732-05, 733-01, 741-02, 743-06, 746-05, 760-09, 761-04, 764-10, } 765-07, 774-04, 777-07, 778-10, 779-04, 780-09, 783-01, 797-03 .... } well you get the idea.  All Brilliant answers to null questions, } I'll think you'll find. } } >   Third Question: } > } > > Do you have a girlfriend?  Can I go on a date with her? } > } > } Lisa is mine.  **ZOT**! } } Not helpful?  Don't you see my skilful use of diversionary tactics... } for the real story I recommed you look at 736-01. } } The interview, I can understand.  I mean, you really shouldn't } have sent Zadoc as the interviewing officer.  Witness 842-09, and } especially 853-03. } } And so, in conclusion, as the benefit to society I provide is clearly } demonstrable, the loyalty I show to my Significant Other is admirable, } and dog-gone it, people like me, it is course expected that once again } my bidget shall be doubled.  Thank you, yes, just leaves the wads of } cash at the temple door, I'll send someone to collect them shortly. } } You owe the Oracle a private librarian for going through all the } Oracularites of the past two years or so...