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Internet Oracularities #89

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89, 89-01, 89-02, 89-03, 89-04, 89-05, 89-06, 89-07, 89-08, 89-09, 89-10


Usenet Oracularities #89    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 1 Jan 90 18:54:36 GMT

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89-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle, worldly and wise
> I bring you a question of curlies and thighs
> Of women with curves enough to stop traffic
> And electric devices of use pornographic
> So help me along on this learning odyssey
> And give me an answer quite net.goddessey
> About what those duracells Lisa snatched meant
> And what's her favorite vibrator attachment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh God, another question in ryme,
} about Lisa, net.goddess sublime,
} To let go unanswered is surly a crime,
} so plug in your vibrator and watch out for slime...
}
} GOD: YOU'RE FORCING IT A BIT ON THAT LAST LINE.
}
} Everyone's a critic. Look, it's near quitting time. Give me a break.
} Arrange for this guy to have a heart attack while masturbating or
} something.
}
} GOD: OK, BUT JUST THIS ONCE.
}
} (The scene shifts to our friend masturbating...)
} (Unnh unnh unnh gaaak [croak]).
}
} Thanks, God.
}
} GOD: YOU OWE ME ONE.
}
} Righto.


89-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Just because my name is Gavin, people think I eat sushi and sing songs
> about wakizashis.  In fact, I live on Guinness, sing Christmas carols,
> and have never even met Crystal Therapy.  What are You going to do to
> ensure that in the coming age my good Scottish name isn't dragged
> throught the mud any further?
>
> Yours worriedly,
>                 Gavin

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your problem is that the name Gavin for some obscure reason has become
} very trendy (I have no idea why; I've always thought "Gavin" was a
} rather stupid name).  Since a lot of the trendy people who do all those
} unspeakable acts you mentioned call their sons Gavin, or even change
} their own names to Gavin, people will, quite naturally, believe you're
} one of that crowd, too.
}
} To counteract this disturbing tendency, I'll start a counter-campaign to
} make cahnge people's associatiosn to your name.  From now on, in all the
} jokes I post to rec.humor (and that's quite a few!), all the really
} stupid, unpleasant or just geeky persons will be called Gavin.  Also,
} I'll substitute "Gavin" for "generic ethnic idiot", like in the
} following story:
}
} "Two Gavins were walking down the street when one of them saw something
} strange on the ground.
}
} Gavin 1: What's that, Gavin?
} Gavin 2: No idea, Gavin. But it sure look like dog shit.
} Gavin 1: Yes, Gavin, it feels like dog shit, too.
} Gavin 2: Yes, and it smells like dog shit, too!
} Gavin 1: It even *tastes* like dog shit!
} Gavin 2: Well, it's a good thing you didn't step on it!"
}
} If this works out, when people hear that your name is Gavin, they'll not
} assume that you're a trendy sushi-eater, but instead that you're a
} stupid jerk.  Which should please you, since that's what you are.
}
} You owe the Oracle your photograph (for use in the world-wide "Make fun
} of Gavin" campaign).


89-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is I really hard playing rock?>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma Birnbaum)
} Subject:  The Oracle is still pondering your question
}
} Dear Sir or Madam:
}
} The question you have submitted requires extra time to parse due to
} improper grammatical structure.  Please bear with us a few moments,
} and the Oracle will address your question as soon as possible.
} Thank you.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Erma Birnbaum
} (Secretary to the Oracle)
}
} ...
} ...
} ...
}
} O.K., I'm done.  My parser routine has come up with four possible
} interpretations of your question:
}
} 1. Is it really hard playing rock 'n' roll music?
} 2. Am I a really a hard rock who likes to play?
} 3. Am I really hard when I play with my rocks?
} 4. Am I really hard when I play rock 'n' roll music?
}
} The responses, in order, are:
}
} 1. In the words of my hero, Bob Geldof:
}    "Maybe get a blister on your little finger,
}     Maybe get a blister on your thumb."
}
} 2. A simple test:  play with a friend by geting him to throw you into
}    the water.  If you sink to the bottom forever without drowning,
}    you're a hard rock who likes to play.
}
} 3. A simple test:  in the privacy of your own room, stroke, lick, or
}    otherwise play with your testicles while using sexual aids to
}    assist you (K-Y, whips, pictures of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona
}    Helmsley).  If you can break the headboard of your bed with your
}    penis, then you're really hard when you play with your rocks.
}
} 4. A simple test:  in the privacy of your own room, bang your skull
}    against a wall while using sexual aids to assist you (Ozzy
}    Osbourne, Van Halen, Led Zepplin, etcetera, and a casette player,
}    phonograph, or CD player).  If you can break the headboard of
}    your bed with your penis, then you're really hard when you play
}    rock 'n' roll music.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rock and a hard place.  Or at least a rock and a
} place to get hard.  Or a place to get hard playing rock music.  Or a
} place where they play hard rock.  Hell, give me all of the above; you
} biffed your own question, not me.


89-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't you read Penthouse Variations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be confusing oracles and orifices.
} I get off on fingering people.


89-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O.K., Oracle, I did what you said.  I tried to earn Lisa's favor by
> posting really neat lusty stories in alt.sex and alt.sex.bondage.
> There's one where this really naughty fourteen year old girl forces a
> ninety year old man to lose his virginity by tying him to his bedpost
> and spanking him into an erection and then she does him, and there's
> another one where this cheerleader nympho makes it with every guy on her
> high school football team in a single night.  I think they're really
> neat.  Now will you fix me up with her will you will you will you oh
> please oh please oh pretty pretty please??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Instead of Lisa I've made a date for you with a bottle of Valium.


89-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there (relatively) many female experimental physicists, but
> almost no female theoretical physicist?  And why are the few that exist
> so ugly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most female physicists are experimentalists for the same reason that
} most male physicists are experimentalists.  Because they're at school
} all the time working, physicists don't get out much to meet other men
} and women.  This leads to extreme sexual frustration.  One successful
} means of venting this frustration is for physicists to play with lab
} toys that are sexually suggestive.  For example, a female solid state
} experimentalist might "slip the high-temperature superconductor in her
} dewar", while a male optics experimentalist might "play with his laser".
} Theorists only get to play with books, pencils and paper, all of which
} sorely lack sexual connotation.  The vast majority of theorists have
} either never had sex and simply don't understand their repression, or
} are independently wealthy and can buy it whenever they want.
}
} As to why all female theorists are ugly, it's quite obvious, silly
} mortal, that you have never heard of Janice, the net.physics.goddess,
} and the sexiest theorist the Oracle has ever met.  She stands five foot
} ten, has dark hair, soft white skin, eyes that bear an elusive shade of
} hazel, the color changing ever so slightly with the phases of the moon,
} and soft supple thighs which are shown off quite well in a short denim
} or leather skirt.  She has bent over on numerous occasions wearing this
} skirt, causing many a heart failure among the older male physicists,
} theoretical and experimental alike.
}
} Janice is so sexy in fact, that several years ago, she was leading in
} the polls for the re-election of net.sex.goddess when a nasty tidbit hit
} the front pages of net.land.  Apparently, she started dating a physics
} frat boy and refused to sleep with him.  When it was discovered that she
} wouldn't put out, Janice's standings in the polls plummeted, and Lisa,
} our current net.sex.goddess was re-elected to the post.  Having already
} attained the status of net.goddess, Janice was forced to find another
} position.  She ran unopposed for the title net.physics.goddess and won
} by a close margin.
}
} If you multiple orgasm at the sight of derivations of Schrodinger's wave
} equation, scattering theory or Ising spin states, then this woman is for
} you.  If you multiple orgasm when you get a blowjob or commit sexually
} perverse acts, it's best just to fantasize about Lisa and get back to
} work.  Your experiment is behind schedule as it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bigger laser.


89-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In rec.humor just now, someone posted a whole bunch of synonym phrases
> for the the word "fuck".  They ended with this:
>
>       ..., varnish one's cane, wet one's wick, wind the clock,
>       and work the hairy oracle.
>
> I'm wondering about that last one.  Is it a reference to you?
> Please explain.  We're all very curious here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that does not refer to me.  While it is true that the All Knowing
} Oracle is rather hairy (It's a tradition for divinely inspired sages
} living in caves to stop shaving) you should realize that someone as
} universally respected and admired as myself would never become an object
} of such ridicule.
}
} The phrase in question, "work the hairy oracle," is actually a
} corruption of the earlier phrase "work the horny airicle," which is how
} the ancient Britons referred to beating the Bishop.  "Airicle" is from
} Greco-Roman mythology, Hercules, or Erecles as he was often called.  The
} Britons, invaded by the Romans, quite naturally used this hero of their
} conquerers as the central symbol in "un-manly" self-gratification.
}
} The moral of the story:  Don't wax your dolphin unless you know its
} origin.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of Julius Ceasre's Guide to the British Isles
} on 10 Pounds of Salt a Day.


89-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> please tell me why are most computer people nerds

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle regrets that he is too busy taping his glasses and watching
} Star Trek to answer your question at this time.  If you would like,
} however, to meet at a gaming convention Real Soon Now to discuss your
} quandry, perhaps over some alcohol, it can be arranged.  Please call my
} voicemail service.
}
} The oracle will require a martini in payment.


89-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oops
> When will I get laid next???When will I get laid net

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In seventeen minutes, you will turn around and a sultry, beautiful sex
} creature will slink into your terminal room.  In about eleven seconds,
} the two of you will be making wonderful orgasmic love on the floor.
} After fourty-six minutes, you will have passed the Entrance Exam, and be
} taken to a secret room in your building where the Perpetual Orgy is in
} progress.  Seventeen wild and fun-filled hours later, you will be given
} a key to the Perpetual Orgy Room, and a map to similar rooms in other
} buildings.  Thirty-one hours after that, they will let you sleep.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photocopy of the map.


89-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't computer scientists have any sexual stamina at all?  Can they
> be helped?
>                 Sincerely, a concerned friend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Their problem is a fear that any repetitive process is actually the
} dreaded infinite loop.  Providing a proof that the usual termination
} condition will still occur should suffice.


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