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Internet Oracularities #890

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890, 890-01, 890-02, 890-03, 890-04, 890-05, 890-06, 890-07, 890-08, 890-09, 890-10


Internet Oracularities #890    (117 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Mar 1997 17:17:58 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   890
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

890  117 votes bpuBe 8uIpa aqLnb dnCsf foAtd 8qEud bqvvi 1pyBk eJDf4 2kGwl
890   3.1 mean  3.2   3.0   3.0   3.1   3.0   3.1   3.2   3.4   2.6   3.4


890-01    (bpuBe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, please tell me, oh Great, Wise, Wonderful, and
> Superbly imperturbable Oracle, why do my hands hurt all
> the time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Never mind that. Where's the porcupine milk I asked for?


890-02    (8uIpa dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Meow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant..
}
} While you were at work today, your cat sent me another
} e-mail.  He also:
}
}   Erased all your adult JPEGs
}
}   Re-arranged your refrigerator
}
}   Called your mom in Pheonix
}
}   Drooled on your keyboard (which I am sure you have
}   discovered by this time)
}
}   Created his own web page
}
}   Used your credit card to order 3 tons of Purena Cat Chow
}
} Have you given thought to changing over to a hamster?
}
} You owe the Oracle the URL to your cat's website.


890-03    (aqLnb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh drunken and debauched Oracle, what in the world is a "macro-brew?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a set of keystrokes or high-level commands which implement the
} process of creating mass-produced beer. Here are a few examples of
} macro-brews in several macro languages:
}
} DOS       copy barley.txt+malt.txt+hops.txt+dishwater.txt schlitz.txt
} Excel     =beer(A1+A2+sewage+A4,heineken)
} UNIX      cat hops.txt yeast.txt barley.txt chum.txt | coors
} C++       #define BEER(miller) ((*miller++)=(int)(yeast+barley+pus))
} HTML      http://www.corona.com/cgi-bin/brew?i=barley+malt+hops+urine
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-line macro that prints every verse of "99
} Bottles of Beer on the Wall."


890-04    (dnCsf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, <sniff> whose boots I am not worthy to lick, <sniff>
> who's favorite TV shows never get cancelled, <snifflesniff> I've just
> heard the most awful news.  <sniff>
>
> I heard that the BBC is <sniff> being <sniff> sued over <sniff> "Doctor
> Who."  <bawls>
>
> <gets back under control>
>
> I have to ask this question: how will this lawsuit affect the future of
> "Doctor Who?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O: Zadoc, get over here!  I need your help.  It's another one of those
} questions about British stuff that just baffle me.  As if us omniscent
} ones can be bothered with such drivel.
}
} Z: Yes, oh brilliant one with much better things to do than track
} British culture.  How can I help you today?
}
} O: Tell me what you know about Dr. Who.
}
} Z: Who?
}
} O: Yes, exactly.
}
} Z: What?
}
} O: No, who.
}
} Z: Oh wise one, i hate to say this to you, but it isn't nice to fool
} with me like this.  Aren't we friends?  Friends are very important to
} me.
}
} O: Not Friends thats American.....who is British!!!!
}
} Z: Prince Charles?
}
} O: No, you idiot!
}
} Z: I'm pretty certain he is.
}
} O: Ugh.  So hard to find good help these days.  I'll ask you
} again....tell me about Dr. Who.
}
} Z: That's what I need to know, Dr. Who?
}
} O: YES!
}
} Z: Maybe you need a vacation.
}
} O: I don't need a vacation!!!  <<<<<ZOT>>>>> <<<<<ZOT>>>>>
} <<<<<ZOT>>>>>>
}
} Z: Ow! What'd you do that for?
}
} You owe the oracle (incarnated as cgastald@haverford.edu and interested
} in knowing what you think of my answer) a new assistant and a set of
} Abbot and Costello videos.


890-05    (foAtd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jeez.  Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What are you asking ME for?  Figure it out YOURSELF!


890-06    (8qEud dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Still going. Nothing outlasts the annoying supplicant. It keeps
> going and going and...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle was glad to get outside. Zadoc kept the cave clean, and the
} geothermal tap installed by a grateful Thomas Edison kept it warm and
} well lit. Sometimes, though, even an immortal being got a bit of cabin
} fever.
}
} The Gulfstream II that had been the fee from a confused Marc Andressen
} (he wasn't sure what to call his new browser) had taken the Oracle
} across the waater to where the NSA, as Tony Lake's fee for "losing"
} some of those raw FBI files, had tracked town the Perpetual Annoying
} Supplicant.
}
} The Oracle situated himself in a blind specially constructed for him by
} Martha Stewart. It was worth his recipe for lamb nuggets in ambrosia
} sauce, he thought. He picked up the Holland & Holland .375 Magnum
} rifle, a gift of a grateful Ernest Hemingway, and loaded a finger-sized
} round.
}
} He waited. The small DAT player by his knee (a fee from Matsushita-san)
} played the variations on "In A Gadda Da Vida" by Yo-Yo Ma and Eric
} Clapton sent to him by a no-longer-perplexed David Geffen. The Oracle
} was glad he had been able to help him with that whole Nirvana thing --
} Geffen had thought they shold wear matching suits.
}
} Waiting came easily to the Oracle. When you're immortal, a few days
} waiting in a blind is nothing, especially when it's as tastefully
} decorated as this one was.
}
} In the end, it was almost anticlimactic. The Perpetual Annoying
} Supplicant finally got out of school early enough (parent-teacher
} conferences) to get home and log onto AOL before his older brother got
} home from high school and started playing Quake.
}
} The Oracle aimed, his target rock-steady in the crosshairs of the scope
} he had gotten from Ernst Zeiss, the "inventor" of crosshairs. There was
} a reason Zeiss was bald.
}
} The Oracle squeezed the trigger, and the great gun boomed. The
} Perpetual Annoying Supplicant's Packar-Bell exploded in a great gout of
} plastic, metal and *ZOT*-tipped bear round.
}
} As the Oracle got into the limousine (his fee from Bob Eaton -- that
} Grand Cherokee thing was selling pretty well), he glanced back at the
} supplicant's house.
}
} "Fill *my* queue with trash, will you? Next time, I won't aim for the
} computer."
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.


890-07    (bqvvi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What`s the difference between a cat and a match?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Cats burn longer and make more noise.
}
}  -You owe the oracle a fiery feline. (Suitable for kicking.)
}
}  DISCLAIMER: Settle down all you bleeding hearts. No cats were maimed
} or killed in the creation of this answer. The Oracle is a
} equal-opportunity ZOTTER. Lease rate is 589.00 per month for 240 years.
} Not valid with any other offer.


890-08    (1pyBk dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Bremner <bremner@cs.mcgill.ca>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle so wise and prompt,
>
> Please tell my why I've run out of clever, or even trivial
> questions.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the reason you've run out of questions is because you don't have
} the handy dandy Oracle Question Generator.  Well, now, for a limited
} time only, you can get it here!  So, using the following selection
} mechanisms, just choose one phrase from each column, and you'll never
} have a lack for questions again!
}
} ---ORACLE-QUESTION-GENERATOR--------------------------------------------
}
} Column 1:  -  the grovel
} ---------
} 1) Dear wise and merciful Oracle,
} 2) Oh Oracle most wise,
} 3) Oracle, most patient, all knowing, and all seeing,
} 4) Oh most magical and amazing of all being great and small,
} 5) Orrie,
} 6) Yo, O-man,
} 7) Oh wise one, the most brilliant and amazing and perfect and
}    wonderful thing in the entire universe, who is so much better and
}    more perfect then I could ever hope to be in a million years,
} 8) Hey you,
}
} Column 2 - the plea for help
} --------
} 1) please answer my humblest of questions.
} 2) I beg of you to placate my unworthy needs.
} 3) tell me the answer to my question.
} 4) listen up, big boy.
} 5) what's up with this?
} 6) tell me like it is.
} 7) hear my pathetic plea for answers and find it in your all-knowing
}    self to answer them.
} 8) Tell Me.
}
} Column 3                     Column 4
} --------                     --------
} 1) What do                   1) turtles
} 2) Why is it that            2) box carts
} 3) How much                  3) wood
} 4) How come                  4) quarks
} 5) How many                  5) salesmen
} 6) Where are                 6) the houses of the Boobaloo
} 7) What the heck is up with  7) all these Seinfeld episodes
} 8) Explain to me why         8) small woodland creatues
}
} Column 5                     Column 6
} --------                     --------
} 1) eat                       1) when their under water?
} 2) roll so fast              2) down hills?
} 3) could a woodchuck chuck   3) if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
} 4) are so quirky             4) and quarky?
} 5) does it take              5) to screw in a lightbulb?
} 6) when the moon             6) is aligned with Venus?
} 7) where Seinfeld says       7) what's up with that?
} 8) are so humorous           8) to brainless supplicants?
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Look at some of these brilliant questions generated with the Oracle
} Question Generator:
}
} >Oh Oracle most wise, tell me like it is.  Why is it that salesmen roll
} >so fast and quarky?
}
} >Orrie, whats up with this?  Where are box carts when the moon down
} >hills?
}
} >Yo, O-man, hear my pathetic plea for answers and find it in your
} >all-knowing self to answer them.  Explain to me why all these Seinfeld
} >episodes eat if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} >Hey you, tell me.  How much small woodland creatures are so quirky is
} >aligned with Venus?
}
} See how brilliant you can be!  And with little to no effort!  I hope
} you enjoy your Oracle Question Generator.  Use it to make lots of
} intelligent sounding questions!
}
} You owe the Oracle $19.95 plus shipping and handling.


890-09    (eJDf4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> Who will win this year's NCAA men's basketball tournament?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vito, my bookie^H^H^H^H^H associate, tells me that the officials
} have not yet determined which team will be allowed to win. It really
} depends, you see, on which college offers the league the best incentive
} package. The bidding is still going on, however. Wait another week
} or so, and the final winner should be selected.


890-10    (2kGwl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, some time ago I asked you how I could get
> beautiful women to notice me, and you suggested that I cover my naked
> body with horse manure and parade through the streets.  Well I tried
> this, and it worked, but not exactly the way I had hoped.  A very
> beautiful policewoman noticed me, and invited me to her place of
> employment.  But I guess she didn't like me, because she just left me
> there, in the company of some rather unpleasant characters.
>
> The next morning when they let me out, I realized that had I asked you
> the wrong question.  It was very clever of you to make me figure this
> out on my own.  Thank you for the lesson.
>
> I think the question I really meant to ask was:  how can I get
> beautiful women to look upon me favorably?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to achieve the desired result, you must do something that is
} utterly unthinkable to all who consider themselves to be Real Men(tm).
}
} You will feel as though you have betrayed your gender; other men will
} shun you and hold you up as an example of abomination, to be reviled
} unto the end of your days and beyond.  With Benedict Arnold and Judas
} Iscariot shall your name keep company, as a traitor most foul.
}
} You will feel overwhelming guilt and humiliation for renouncing
} masculine values and ideals; the only thing that will keep you going
} will be your feeble hope that the goal will be adequate compensation
} for your shameful, loathsome state.
}
} If this bleak view of your future does not dissuade you, then read on
} but if your heart is faint, stop now.
}
} -- To get beautiful women to look upon you favorably, there is but one
} thing you must do:
}
}                Put the toilet seat down when you're through.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty ells of rope, a cord of wood, a box of
} "strike anywhere" matches, and a life-sized effigy of yourself.


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