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Internet Oracularities #891

Goto:
891, 891-01, 891-02, 891-03, 891-04, 891-05, 891-06, 891-07, 891-08, 891-09, 891-10


Internet Oracularities #891    (113 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 15:14:20 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   891
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

891  113 votes izxi9 8grvv 1gsxz 8rxyb arIq6 cgzwi 2buzz 6BEl9 8mDz9 kmtrf
891   3.2 mean  2.7   3.5   3.8   3.1   2.9   3.2   3.8   2.9   3.1   3.0


891-01    (izxi9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ohgreatandmighty             oracle
>
> i have been studing the work of thebrilliant <<<<eecummings>>>>
> what
>     do
>       you
> think                                                   of him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} he is           quite
} overr           ated,
} in my           humbl
} e opi           nion.
} all lower case letter
} s lit           tle i
} f any           punct
} uatio           n and
} going           off o
} n tan           gents
} for no visible reason
} hes a           moron
} as an           y hum
} an be           ing c
} an cl           clear
} ly se           e ass
} uming           ,of c
} ourse that they are n
} ot id           iot t
} hemse           lves.
} you o           we th
} e ora           cle a
} book of actual poetry


891-02    (8grvv dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [[The scene: A battlefield. Bill Gates walks up on one side and looks
> at the area.]]
>
> Bill {shouting}: Hey! Show Yourself! Let's finish this once and for
> all!
>
> [[Marc Andressen walks up from the hill on the other side]]
>
> Marc: Going to forfeit today, Bill?
>
> Bill: Never!
>
> Marc: Face the facts. Navigator is the most favored browser around the
> Internet. Microsoft has become the underdog, a situation it's not used
> to. Give up, we got here first.
>
> Bill: My rear-end! You charge great amounts of money for your browser,
> while mine is free.
>
> Marc: The user gets what s/he pays for.
>
> Bill: That's it! Let the battle begin!
>
> Marc: Fine, then!
>
> [[Both men walk turn around and walk off in direction opposite of each
> other. Soon, they return and troops behind them.]]
>
> Both: Attack!
>
> [[The troops run down into the area between the two hills and soon a
> gigantic green lizard blows fire at Bill and his men. Bill and most all
> except a couple of troops jump out of the way. A huge lowercase e behind
> them begins to spin]]
>
> Soilder operating the e: Powering up, sir! Ready to fire!
>
> Bill: Blast them!
>
> [[The e shoots the revolving comets at Marc and Co. The green lizard
> blocks the group from the comets, injuring itself]]
>
> Bill: Oh hey, look! It worked. Fire again!
>
> Soldier operating the e: Sir! We have encountered bugs. We cannot fire
> again until they are fixed.
>
> Bill: Fine then. I'll hold them off a bit. ActiveX control!
>
> [[A block thingy quickly revovles above Bill for a moment, then sends
> itself at part of the Netscape team. A few troops are incinerated by it.
> It goes away in a flash]]
>
> Marc: Hmm.. All they did was program cookies in anyways. Hit
> statistics!
>
> [[To Bill's horror, a odometer style counter appears out of nowhere
> above Marc. The numbers on the counter start spinning rapidly]]
>
> Marc: You see, Bill. Our site gets over eight million visits a day
>
> Bill {thinking}: This needs a more direct attack.
>
> [[Bill puts money into advertising, which attacks the Netscape
> browser]]
>
> Marc: That's it. Now I will have to..
>
> [[Suddently, between the two a flash appears above their heads, and the
> Internet Oracle lowers down with dramatic music and an intresting aura.
> He opens his eyes and takes in the scene]]
>
> Oracle: Wait! There is a way we can all work this out and both of you
> can win!
>
> Marc and Bill: How?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: First, I shall create an idyllic tropical island.
}
} [[With a flash and a bang, the Oracle, Marc, and Bill are hovering over
} a remote spot in the Pacific Ocean.  With a rumble, an island appears
} from the waves, already formed, with palm trees and ukulele background
} music.]]
}
} Marc: Wow.  Is that VRML?
}
} Bill: No, it must be my proprietary extensions to Java.
}
} Oracle: No.  Now, I shall populate it.
}
} [[Several attractive women of various shapes, sizes, and skin and hair
} tones walk out from behind a large palm tree.  Marc and Bill look at
} each other, their aggression pheromones rising.]]
}
} Marc: But there's no way you're getting me to live there.
}
} Bill: Me neither.
}
} Oracle: Oh, of course, how could I forget?
}
} [[A cluster of various kinds of desktop computers, from Pentium Pro
} systems running Windows NT, to NeXT cubes, to Sun workstations, to
} BeBoxen materializes on a table on the beach.  A 100baseT drop box
} sprouts from a palm tree, and a twisted-pair cable snakes over from the
} computer cluster to insert itself in the network outlet.]]
}
} Bill: Ah, much better.  Can I smash the NeXT cube?
}
} Marc: Hey, don't do that.  Just because your software isn't
} compatible...
}
} Bill: [whining] Oh, all right... Now what, Orrie?
}
} Oracle: Bill, you don't get to call me "Orrie."
}
} [[The Oracle takes out a large metal safe with a slot in the top.]]
}
} Oracle: Now, I believe in the capitalist system.  Whoever offers me the
} most money for the island gets to live there forever, never aging.
}
} Marc: That's no fair!  Bill is the richest man in the world!
}
} [[Bill snickers and grins and pulls out a large checkbook.  Marc shrugs
} and follows suit.  Both scribble out checks and drop them in the
} safe.]]
}
} Oracle: And now we'll see who gets the island...
}
} [[The Oracle opens the safe and removes the checks.]]
}
} Oracle: Marc bid a million dollars.  Bill bid ten million.  Bill gets
} the island.
}
} [[Bill disappears from the air and appears on the island below.]]
}
} Bill: Ha!  I win!
}
} [[The Oracle and Marc disappear, and rematerialize in the Oracular
} Temple.]]
}
} Marc: But Mr. Oracle, sir, you didn't give me a fair chance!
}
} Oracle: I don't think you wanted it.  Watch.
}
} [[A terminal screen flickers to life and shows Bill sitting at the
} Windows NT machine, being given a massage by seven of the women.  He
} presses a few keys, and the computer emits a foul sound.  A window
} appears...]]
}
} Computer: That domain is not accessible.  You may use only systems in
} the domain msn.com.
}
} Bill: Aargh!  Any of you ladies know how to crack systems?
}
} [[The terminal screen fades.  The Oracle reaches over to his shiny new
} Power Mac and ejects a Jaz disk.  He writes "Bill Gates" on the label
} and files it away on a shelf.]]
}
} Oracle: Ah, the world is safe again.  Time for a Guinness.  Marc, you
} owe me a mention in an Easter egg in the next version of Netscape.
}
} Marc: Aw, sure.


891-03    (1gsxz dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I seek help on one of lifes most thorniest of problems.
>
> It seems that I have fallen out of love with my Boyfriend,
> and haven't the heart to write the Dear John Letter I should.
> You see He is Canadian and of a tender heart. Anything i say to him
> will crush him.
>
> Can you help me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                           ORACLE INDUSTRIES
}                       Form Letter FLDJFOAD-302-A
}               (Please use this number when re-ordering)
}
} Instructions: Please fill in the blanks as necessary. Submit three
} signed and dated copies to Oracle Industries along with your payment
} of $175.  Your request will be processed in 6 to 8 weeks and you will
} be notified of the outcome (unless the third party decides to take
} some form of action including but not limited to late night phone
} calls, stalking, emotional black mail in which case you should contact
} our legal consulting services.  ORACLE INDUSTRIES PROVIDES THIS LETTER
} "AS IS" AND WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING,
} WITHOUT LIMITATION, THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY AND
} FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE.
}
} 1) Chose one and fill in as necessary:
}     ( ) Dear _________
}     ( ) ______ you rotten bastard
}
} 2) Chose all that applies
}     I am breaking up with you
}         ( ) for reasons I don't feel like discussing
}         ( ) because you are:
}             ( ) a total bastard and manipulate people
}             ( ) a spineless fool and are manipulated
}             ( ) not good in bed
}             ( ) broke
}             ( ) dull
}             ( ) highly annoying
}             ( ) Canadian
}             ( ) other _________________________
}     ( ) I also would like you to know that:
}         ( ) it's not you it's me
}         ( ) I hope you can forgive me
}         ( ) I'll never forgive you
}         ( ) it's because you're Canadian
}         ( ) it's because I am Canadian
}         ( ) we weren't meant for each other
}         ( ) Because of you I'm changing my sexual
}             orientation and
}             ( ) becoming gay/lesbian
}             ( ) becoming straight
}             ( ) having my genitals removed
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) we can always be friends
}         ( ) I faked each and every one of my orgasms
}         ( ) I maintained one or more (number: ____) other
}             relationship(s) while we were together
}         ( ) I hate your
}             ( ) cat
}             ( ) dog
}             ( ) parents
}             ( ) guts
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) I will not be returning your gifts because
}             ( ) I sold them
}             ( ) I couldn't sell that junk so I threw them away
}             ( ) my new (boy)/(girl) friend likes them
}             ( ) just to spite you
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}         ( ) yours is/are the smallest/shortest
}             ( ) penis
}             ( ) breasts
}             ( ) car
}             ( ) apartment
}             ( ) brain
}             ( ) bank account
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}             I have seen, and believe me I have seen many
}         ( ) yours is/are the biggest/longest
}             ( ) mouth
}             ( ) butt
}             ( ) hair
}             ( ) ego
}             ( ) nostrils
}             ( ) feet
}             ( ) criminal record
}             ( ) other ___________________________
}             I have seen, and believe me I have seen many
}     ( ) Even though we broke up, I hope you will
}         ( ) provide emotional support for me in my turbulent
}             love life and listen to stories about my
}             significant other till 3am
}         ( ) lend me money
}         ( ) have sex with me on ocassion
}         ( ) come to Canada with me to meet my parents so
}             they stop bugging me about getting married.
}         ( ) not spread rumors about me or my ___________
}         ( ) continue the treatment
}         ( ) stop pretending we're together
}         ( ) other ___________________________
}     ( ) In closing,
}         ( ) I'm sure you'll make out ok!
}         ( ) I'll see you around
}         ( ) I'll see you next time I'm in Canada
}         ( ) I'll see you in court
}         ( ) I'll see you in hell
}
}             Breaker-up                            Brakee
}
}     Signed ______________________    Signed ______________________
}     Date:  ______________________    Date:  ______________________
}
}           Witneses (if required)        Witneses (if required)
}
}     Signed ______________________    Signed ______________________
}     Date:  ______________________    Date:  ______________________
}
}                      DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE
}       ----------------------------------------------------------
}
} Recommended action for: [ ] Brakee [ ] Braker-up [ ] Both
}     [ ] No action    [ ] Mild Harassment    [ ] Severe Harassment
}     [ ] Hit man      [ ] A Date with Oracle [ ] A Date with Lisa
}     [ ] Other ___________________________
}
} Not Processed because:
}     [ ] Fee missing    [ ] One of the parties killed the other
}     [ ] Reconciled during the 6-8 week period
}     [ ] Other ___________________________


891-04    (8rxyb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most powerful, I'm in a quandry:
>
> Should I, or shouldn't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "All signs point to Yes"
}
} (This job is SO much easier since I got this Magic 8 Ball).
}
} You owe the Oracle some more blue fluid-- this thing is starting to
} leak.


891-05    (arIq6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle ,
>
> Is the meaning of life 42 or is it the recently announced 103, And why.
> Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're both correct, really.
}
} The meaning of life was originally 42, a value which remained
} accurate through the early 1960's.  However, as the complexity
} of life continued to grow it became increasingly difficult to
} ensure backward-compatibility. Enhanced technology-connectivity and
} other upgrades to handle changes to fundamental values required the
} meaning to be revised to 103.  Unfortunately, this resulted in severe
} incompatibilities with earlier versions, as evidenced in today's
} nearly-unbridgeable generation gap.
}
} And you thought you were the only one who couldn't relate to Generation
} X-ers.
}
} You owe the Oracle, like, whatever.


891-06    (cgzwi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,(insert gratuitos grovel here), (insert
> lame supplicant question here), (insert thank you here).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh supplicant so lazy, (insert wise-a$$ answer here).
} (insert well planned and crafted answer here). (insert inside joke
} here).  (insert future supplications up *there*).


891-07    (2buzz dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle,
>
> I am having trouble with my Spanish homework. Could you please help
> me translate the following:
>
> Isabel no me creyo. Las chicas no oyeron el telefono! Me interesa su
> modo de pensar. Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura
> salieron?
>
> Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una
> pelicula. Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado. No, no he hablado con el
> detective!
>
> Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente
> grande!
>
> Aqui vienen los bomberos!
>
> Thanks for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* If I must...
}
} > Isabel no me creyo.
}
} Isabel is not my crayon.
}
} > Las chicas no oyeron el telefono!
}
} The chickens don't order on the telephone.
}
} > Me interesa su modo de pensar.
}
} I'm interested in where the pens are.
}
} > Por que Luis y Ana hablaban cuando Juan y Laura salieron?
}
} Porky Luis and Ana wanna know why Juan and Laura have a sailor on?
}
} > Mis primos y yo fuimos a un estudio donde estaban filmando una
} > pelicula.
}
} Miss Primos and your fumes in a studio don't stab a film of a pelican.
}
} > Voy a hacer el papel del enamorado.
}
} Why is she in love with that Pope?
}
} > No, no he hablado con el detective!
}
} No, no!  He's a detective!
}
} >> Tan chiquito y frente al televisor ya razona lo mismo que la gente
} >> grande!
}
} Tan bananas in front of the television your raisins loaned miss the big
} man!
}
} >> Aqui vienen los bomberos!
}
} Wet wieners lost bombers!
}
} >> Thanks for your time.
}
} Muchas gracias.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better Spanish-English dictionary.


891-08    (6BEl9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose sanity could never be doubted:
>
> How far must a man walk to be declared mad? Is 30 miles enough, or is
> 55 nearer the mark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say 65 in most states, though out west it's closer to 75, and in
} Montana you can go as far as you want and still stay sane, at least
} during the daytime. Ditto in Germany.
}
} You owe the Oracle a psychically attuned radar gun.


891-09    (8mDz9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh spiffy one
>
> Please tell me what the heck is going on here?
>
> Thanks!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure thing.
}
} For starters, you've got the air hose on the wrong nozzle, you're using
} an albino ferret rather than a sable, and the box is made out of HDPE
} plastic rather than LDPE.
}
} Once you've got that all sorted out, I'd recommend cleaning the walls
} before you try it again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ream of Day-Glo orange paper, a clear plastic
} kazoo, and an eggplant.


891-10    (kmtrf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, tell me like it is.  Why is it that salesmen
> roll so fast and quarky?
>
> I have to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunately, for dealing with such questions, the Oracle is in
} possession of an ORACLE-ANSWER-GENERATOR:
}
}  ---ORACLE-ANSWER-GENERATOR--------------------------------------------
}
}  Column 1:  -  the put-down
}  ---------
}  1) Dear naive and vicious little supplicant,
}  2) Poor pathetic supplicant,
}  3) Supplicant of whom the Oracle has seen and known enough and with
}     whom I am losing patience,
}  4) Poetically challenged supplicant,
}  5) Supper,
}  6) Yo,
}  7) Obsequious supplicant,
}  8) Impertinent subcreature,
}
}  Column 2 - appraise the question
}  --------
}  1) your question is indeed a humble one:
}  2) I shall placate your needs:
}  3) the answer to your question is:
}  4) I have listened to your inquiry:
}  5) this is what's up with that:
}  6) this is how it is:
}  7) I will bless you by responding to your blather:
}  8) your request is indeed unworthy:
}
}  Column 3                     Column 4
}  --------                     --------
}  1) Turtles eat               1) in pressurized underwater lounges
}  2) Box carts roll            2) so fast
}  3) You need                  3) to be zotted repeatedly
}  4) Because quarks are        4) both strange and charming
}  5) Just                      5) one
}  6) Houses of Boobaloo are    6) in the low western sky
}  7) What the heck is          7) up with all these questions
}  8) Woodland creatures are    8) so funny to brainless supplicants
}
}  Column 5                     Column 6
}  --------                     --------
}  1) so in fact                1) they don't really eat in an airless
}                                  environment.
}  2) downhill because          2) gravity acts on them.
}  3) so                        3) your head will pop out of your fanny.
}                                  ZOT! ZOT! ZOT!
}  4) at the same time,         4) they seem that way.
}  5) but                       5) it takes a very LARGE lightbulb.
}  6) when                      6) the Moon obscures Venus.
}  7) where the supplicant says 7) what's up with that?
}  8) because                   8) they have similar brain-capacities.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} The answer to your question is:
}
} Supper, your question is indeed a humble one: Because quarks are both
} strange and charming but they have similar brain capacities.
}
} You owe the Oracle a YOU-OWE generator.


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