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Internet Oracularities #892

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892, 892-01, 892-02, 892-03, 892-04, 892-05, 892-06, 892-07, 892-08, 892-09, 892-10


Internet Oracularities #892    (108 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 15 Mar 1997 18:55:58 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   892
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

892  108 votes cszna jyye7 axHg6 8lpvn cdKod 5nyrj kjjrn exAl4 azEh6 7dvBk
892   3.0 mean  2.9   2.6   2.8   3.4   3.1   3.3   3.1   2.7   2.8   3.5


892-01    (cszna dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, will your answer be a bomb?
> Orrie, will your answer be a song?
> Orrie, will you put me in the zotting line?
> Oooooooh. Or will you be a friend of mine?
>
> Orrie, how much would a woodchuck chuck?
> Orrie, why do your answers suck?
> Orrie, where can I meet babes on the net?
> Oooooooh. Can you help me win a bet?
>
> Orrie, will Lisa go out with me?
> Orrie, will I make the Oracularities?
> Orrie, will you answer this question with no?
> Oooooooh. Down how many roads must I go?
>
> Orrie, will you tell me "Who are you?"
> Orrie, tell my why the sky is blue?
> Orrie, why'd the chicken cross the road?
> Oooooooh. What'cha do with the stuff you're owed?
>
> . . . . Orrie should I build The Wall?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, your questions I have pondered,
} they seem at times to make no sense at all.
} I look at you and all the time you've squandered,
} concocting stuff about some mythic wall.
}
} I cannot help but be a bit disgusted,
} for none of this is seemingly unique
} at least the dreaded null question, so rusted
} seems to have escaped that mental leak
}
} (tellme, askme, rate me, ZOT me...
}  tellme, askme, rate me, ZOT me...)
}
} But since you ask, I've no choice but to answer,
} and Lisa will confirm each word I say,
} The chance of her agreeing to go date you,
} is that of William Clinton turning gay.
}
} the woodchucks are verbotten here, you know this,
} they're chucking beer not plywood anyway.
} and I would worry 'bout the roads that you've missed
} more than the ones that have not come to play.
}
} (tellme, askme, rate me, ZOT me...
}  tellme, askme, rate me, ZOT me...)
}
} For Babe online I'd surely call up lycos,
} and look up "pigs" and "films" and "oversweet"
} My answers are a function of their input,
} and make a lovely garden mixed with peat.
}
} Go to the mirror, boy...
} Go to the mirror, boy.
}
} The sky is blue, for it reflects the ocean,
} I am your lord and master, never doubt,
} the chick who crossed to see her uncle Bernie
} got hit by Colonel Sanders' run-about.
}
} When I get gifts, it is infrequent,
} when I do not, I pop my cork.
} I keep a warehouse full of payments
} from diamond bracelets down to sporks
}
} Right behind you, I see a tow truck
} too bad, he has no brakes now,
} At least, you'll die contented
} That your dear Orrie never fakes, now!
}
} Your next of kin owes the oracle a copy of "The Who: Studies in Pink."


892-02    (jyye7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, Master of Omphaloskepsis, please tell me:
>
> Why is 15. ... QxQPch such a bad move?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, obviously, 16 KxQ.  You seem to be intending a followup of
} 16...NxBP, followed by 17...QxP++,  but you forget that your KN is
} pinned by my KNP.  if 16...NxBP then 17 P-KN8(advances)++.
}
} Never neglect passed pawns, my boy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the unexpurgated version of Battlechess.


892-03    (axHg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and wonderous Oracle
>
> So I have been noticing the word "wench" a lot recently, often in
> self descriptions in .signature files. Eg:
>
> --
> Victoria FFFFFFFFFF     O-  |  Praise to Eris and her Apple
> Xxxxx Support Wench         |  We tend her Chao who's nicely dappled
> Work-stuff: aa@Xxxxx.com    |  As we sit here chugging Snapple
> Other-stuff: tttt@Xxxxx.com |  Discord's good enough for me!
>
> Is this a new golden age for wenchdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean it went _out_ of fashion? Damn! No wonder I haven't
} successfully picked up a barmaid since 1781!
}
} I have to start keeping up with popular culture.
}
} As to why it's back in fashion now, uhhh... It's a backlash against
} the overly aggressive feminism of the late '80's. Yeah, that's the
} ticket.
}
} You owe the Oracle a quick rundown on what's cool this century.
} Just to bring me up to speed.


892-04    (8lpvn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Great Oracle tell me why the Earth is not FLAT ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me answer you with one phrase, which has been used for aeons:
}
}         "Mother Earth."
}
} Now, would you want her to be flat?


892-05    (cdKod dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's HTML?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you did not honor the Oracle with a humbling greeting, I will
} reply to you as if you were the ultimate idiot...
}
} The HTML Song
} -------------
}
} H is for Hyper, in honor of caffiene,
} T is for Text, for reading of the obscene.
} M is for Markup, the price we must pay,
} L is bad Language, $#!@$ been surfing all day.
}
} The web is for you, the web is for me,
} The web is now being censored, it's no longer free.
}
} Uncle Sam is just waiting to read every bit,
} Encryption is TOP SECRET.  Don't you dare try to use it.
}
} So when gazing upon this "Bill of Rights" hell,
} Just think of what helped flame it:  HTML.
}
} You owe the Oracle a much longer acronym.


892-06    (5nyrj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My Orrie lies over the ocean,
> My Orrie lies over the sea,
> My Orrie lies over the ocean,
> Oh bring back my Orrie to me!
>
> Bring back, bring back
> Oh, bring back my Orrie to me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle leans over his keyboard....
}
} "Hmmm... that's not how _I_ heard it..."  Scratching his beard, he
} remembers a song from long ago, in the days when he sat around the
} campfire, roasting marshmallows and singing songs with the rest of
} Oracle Scout Troup 001.
}
} Taking a deep breath, he begins to sing loudly:
}
} "My one skin hangs down to my two skin,
}  My two skin hangs down to my three,
}  My three skin hangs down to my..."
}
} "ORRIE!!!!!!!!!!!!", exclaims Lisa, "What's the matter with
} you!!!!!!!!  Don't you know there are CHILDREN reading this????"
}
} You owe the Oracle a naughty version of "Michael, row the boat ashore"
} and a copy of the Communications Decency Act.


892-07    (kjjrn dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who probably never gets put on hold, when you call
> customer service at America Online, or Microsoft, or any such similar
> company, and you are made to wait on hold for hours and hours, and you
> keep getting that message about how "All of our customer services
> representatives are still working with other customers," what are those
> people *really* doing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple
} of really important execs on board into Sea-Tac airport.  The fog is
} so thick that the visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.
} He circles looking for a landmark, and after an hour he is low on fuel
} and his passengers are very nervous.  At last, through a small opening
} in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the
} fifth floor.
}
} Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window:
} "Hi, where am I?"
} The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."
} The pilot then executes a swift 275 degree turn and performs
} a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway twenty-five
} miles away.  Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and
} die from lack of fuel.  The stunned passengers ask the pilot
} how he did it. "Simple," replied the pilot.
} "I asked the guy in that building a simple question.
}  The answer he gave me was 100% correct, but absolutely useless;
}  therefore, that must be Micro$oft's support office and from
}  there the airport is thirteen minutes away
}  on a course of 187 degrees."
}
}
} Got the picture?


892-08    (exAl4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello!
> Hi! Hi! Hi!
> I'm crazy, i'm crazy! Becouse i love your work!
> You makes me crazy over you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, wacky Supplicant.  Glad to see that you're crazy for my work...
}
} *thud*
}
} Wait a minute, what was that?  Who's out there?  Hello?  YOU!  Leave me
} alone!  What are doing with that sledge hammer?  NOOOOOOOOOO!
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of crutches and a copy of Stephen King's
} "Misery."


892-09    (azEh6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me oh great and wise one
> how can i learn to play the accordion

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
}
} The best way to learn how to play the accordion
} is to do the following. IMPORTANT: do not mix up
} the instructions. If you even change one instruction,
} you will have learned how to play the bagpipe instead.
}
} Buy a silly red hat with a feather.
} Eat seven brownies while humming "Stairway to Heaven".
} Break 4 fingers on your left hand. (Any four, as long
}   as you leave out the thumb)
} Hold your monitor in your right hand, and extend your
}   arm so that the monitor is 34.23 centimeters from
}   your nose.
}
} Ok. Now you have the outfit, the musical ability, the
} manual dexterity, and the physical strenth required
} for a beginning accordion player.
}
} Now buy an accortion. Play it. Now that wasn't hard, was it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a very sharp C (careful!)


892-10    (7dvBk dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, what exactly is the origin of the phrase
> "urban legend"?  (I understand the legend part, it's urban I'm
> wondering about.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fat candles in their bronze sconces flickered as the tavern door
} swung open. Two dozen pairs of eyes, and Tobar the half-orc's single
} glowing pupil, slid across to see what was to be seen.
}
} The newcomer cut an imposing figure. A finely-chiseled face, slighly
} lined around the eyes but without a scar. Jet black hair, with a touch
} of grey at the temples. A matte black leather cloak over a lightly
} embroidered beige waistcoat, with trousers finely tooled from the
} silk-like suede of Banarian fire-lizards. The newcomer's sword hung,
} barely noticeable, in the folds of the cloak. The bartender, and a
} couple of the more experienced regulars, were the only ones that saw it
} was there, and only Tobar spotted it as the work of Walther, finest
} bladesmith of the Black Reaches.
}
} The newcomer stepped up to the bar.
}
} "Troll's blood."
}
} The bartender started. Could such a dandy really want to drink the most
} powerful beverage known? A drink that could lay a dwarven deep-boat
} deckhand out before he could put the mug back down? A substance which,
} were it not so difficult to wring out of the trolls, would be in common
} use for cleaning years of accumulated tobacco-phlegm out of spittoons?
}
} The newcomer, though, hadn't finished.
}
} "Shaken. Not stirred."
}
} He slammed the half-pint of bubbling goo back in one, and calmly slid
} the mug over to the barkeep for a refill.
}
} And thus was born - the Urbane Legend.
}
} (Uh - sir?)
}
} [Go away, Zadoc. I was just finishing the answer for this supplicant.]
}
} (Uh - he wanted to know about URBAN legends, not the URBANE Legend.)
}
} [What? You mean he could have just gone to www.urbanlegends.com, but
} instead bothered me?]
}
} (Uh - yes, Lord.)
}
} [Well. The hell with him, then. What do you say we get some of those
} giant sewer goldfish to jump up through his toilet later today?]
}
} (An excellent idea, as always, m'lord.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a fresh outbreak of the one about the murderous gang
} that drives around with their headlights off.


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