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Internet Oracularities #893

Goto:
893, 893-01, 893-02, 893-03, 893-04, 893-05, 893-06, 893-07, 893-08, 893-09, 893-10


Internet Oracularities #893    (114 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 20 Mar 1997 10:46:42 -0500 (EST)

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893  114 votes nwtn7 eLti6 9przi 7lJx8 6tMla 9kuCh cmHra 6gGAe 78lyI 1auRk
893   3.2 mean  2.6   2.6   3.2   3.1   3.0   3.3   3.0   3.3   3.9   3.7


893-01    (nwtn7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Mighty Oracle, bearer of pretty gosh darn good wisdom, I humbly
> beseech you........please tell me
> .....What gives with the Mentos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, no, not another infestation! I _told_ you not to feed the Tic-Tacs
} after midnight, but you didn't listen, did you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a blender, a microwave and a copy of 'Snow White".


893-02    (eLti6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the eleven secret Microsoft letters between `j' and `k' that
> Gates is planning to introduce on the Microsoft Unnatural Quay Bored
> v. 2.01?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While propriatary agreements prevent the oracle from disclosing the
} appearance of the eleven letters, we may disclose their names and
} pronunciations:
} 1.      pleh (pronounced as a small belch)
} 2.      unggh (an aspirated hiss)
} 3.      vretch (a vr sound as in vroom)
} 4.      wonderment (pronounced microsoft)
} 5.      ague (silent)
} 6.      eeeeel (a high pitched wail)
} 7.      veltek (a brief throat clearing)
} 8.      mine (may only be pronounced by Gates)
} 9.      clavin (pronounced sktkr)
} 10.     gabruk (an elongated throat clearing)
} 11.     v1.1 (usually pronounced like v, occasionally unpronouncable)


893-03    (9przi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who doesn't need to rely on artificial memory,
>
> How can you tell if your RAM is bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't remember ewe.
}
} you owe the Oracle a new diagnostic disk.


893-04    (7lJx8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, for whom the mysteries of space are but chicken
> fodder, I am confused.
>
> I'm still not  sure what's going to happen when the moon is in the
> second house and jupiter aligns with mars. Could you clarify?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the moon is in the second house, he will take only small
} valuable items such as jewellery. This is because the van is
} almost full with the widescreen TV, VCR and Stereo from the
} first house.
}
} When Jupiter aligns with Mars, we will see a leveraged buy-out
} of Saturn with corresponding stock fluctuations. Buy now.
}
} You owe the Oracle 51% of Uranus and a moon alarm.


893-05    (6tMla dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they jam so many pickles into the jar so you have no choice but
> to get soaked with pickle juice while tyring to get them out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now, in addition to the IRS and the Kwik-E Motel bill, I have
} this...  What is this?   -  oh, let's see  -  Hmm, this one's been
} sitting here for a while...  (blows the dust off)  ...Ah yes, from a
} Mister Lindburgh; wonder if he ever found that kid of his?  ...(shuffle
} shuffle)  Well, crud.  I can't seem to find that note from the pickle
} company... Oh, here it is!... no, it's an endorsement request for Lisa
} from the Dura-Lube company...  What would they want with her?
} ...(shuffle shuffle shuffle)  Nope, not here.  Okay, then where'd I
} leave that jar of Vlasics...  Ah!
}
} By gum, they ARE rather packed in there now, aren't they?  Let's just
} have a look at the label here...  Serving Size 1 ounce (about 1
} pickle... imagine that... ), Servings Per Container Usually 13... what
} do they mean Usually?  Ingredients: cucumbers, water, distilled
} vinegar, salt, dehydrated garlic, calcium chloride, polysorbate 80,
} natural flavors (really?) and yellow 5.  Nope, nothing there...
}
} (Suddenly a light switches on; a dim one, to be sure, but a light
} nevertheless!)
}
} Supplicant...  Yes, you.
} It's a simple marketing strategy, you foolish human (now THERE'S a
} redundant phrase!)  If they sprang for a larger jar they'd not only pay
} more for jars, they'd take up more shelf space to sell the same amount
} of product.   As for soaking your fingers, USE A FORK, YOU %&@!# HOMO
} SAPIENS!!  <{crash}>  Damn..
}
} You owe the Oracle a new jar of pickles.
}
} Now where'd I leave that towel...


893-06    (9kuCh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into
> and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs
> are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue
> please answer my question.
> Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel?
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------
> Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
> ---------------------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    "WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?"
}
}                        (a play in one act)
}
} SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES.
}       JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive.  VARIOUS
}       WORKERS hustle back-and-forth.  Suddenly, a crisis occurs
}       (but then again, that's the nature of crises).
}
} JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power!
}
} JACK: What?  Again?  How do they expect us to keep these Sparcservers
}       on line without electricity?  How are we to offer free e-mail
}       if we have to pay for electricity?!?
}
} WORKER: Central office on the line, sir!  They want to know what's
}       with the slow-down.
}
} JOHN: Can't those jerks tell?  Our Egion generator's down to 30%
}       power...
}
} JACK: What did it?  A malicious rumor?  A gaffe on the Great One's
}       part?  Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the
}       Microsoft Network Oracle?
}
} JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels.
}
} JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn?  The Oracle's ego
}       supplies power for systems around the world!  Our entire setup
}       here will fail!  People will have to start PAYING for e-mail
}       services!
}
} VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps)
}
} JOHN: (panicking) You, and you!  Go tell him how white--no,
}       bright!--his toga is.  You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy
}       to floss with his nasal hair!  Do it, do it, do it!
}
} JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late...
}
}                                FIN


893-07    (cmHra dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and cunning Oracle, whose radiance I am not fit to bask in
> (even with SPF 25),
>
> I think I can get away with the birthing stirrups, the latex gloves
> and the scalpels, but any decent excuse is going to have to account
> for the goat, the pentacle, the handcuffs and the stereo blasting
> out "Louie, Louie" (the Iggy Pop version).
>
> Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in response, thus spake the Oracle,
}
} Humble supplicant, who should try a blanket (SPF 2000), the decent
} excuse is...Music Video.  Modern videos not only include, but require
} extraneous objects that are both completely unexpected and completely
} useless.  That is, APPEARANTLY completely useless.  They, of course,
} are necessary for setting the mood.
} However, you have one thing that must be changed.  The song.
} Completely tasteless.  It is guaranteed to cause major complications
} in everything.
}  I (of course) have the perfect solution to your problem.
}
}                       Orrie, Orrie
}                       ----------------
} Chorus:
}   Orrie, Orrie, oh oh
}   We gotta know.
}
} Verse 1:
}   You are so great, and that we know
}   Your answers do your intellect show
}   Your mind is sharp and wit is keen
}   You're the smartest guy I've ever seen
}
} Verse 2:
}   Do your answers come from within?
}   Will you help me on my path of sin?
}   I want to use my goat and cuffs
}   But my partner is a total fluff.
}
} Verse 3:
}   Your wisdom has helped me along
}   And now I can stop singing this song
}   You know, you're bad, and that's a fact
}   And my next question will have more tact.
}
} You owe the Oracle two more verses and a copy of the video.


893-08    (6gGAe dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <whine>
> Do I have to?
> </whine>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, as I'm sure  you heard by now, the only two things you have to do
} are pay taxes and die.  I'm not in charge of collecting taxes, so...
}
} [Picking up the staff of *ZOT*]
}
} No, supplicant, this is too easy...
}
} [Putting down the staff of *ZOT*]
}
} Greetings.  The United States Department of the Treasury, Internal
} Revenue Service requires your presence at an audit to be held in honor
} of your 1995 Federal Income Tax Return (Form 1040).  Report to the IRS
} Western District office in Ogden, Utah at 8:00 AM on March 31, 1997.
} Please bring with you all records relevant to your claims for
} deductions for donations to the charitable organization "Internet
} Oracle."  We are especially interested in knowing how you arrived at
} the estimated value of the roasted woodchucks.  Also make sure you
} bring your copy of the ownership transfer papers for the fifth moon of
} Jupiter.
}
} [smiling]
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  Just watching will be enough.


893-09    (78lyI dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the door on a refrigerator, in the middle of a forest, were to open
> and there was no-one there to see it, would the light come on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  It's not plugged in.


893-10    (1auRk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pray tell me, O grand Oracle, whose infinite wisdom shoots tachyon
> beams where no one knows your name, whose ears have intricate warp
> coils to accelerate your brain beyond any theoretical limit, the
> answer to my confusion.
>
> I am reading a book about Isaac Asimov, where he stated (as quoted
> by his brother Stanley) that although 'Star Trek' was his wife's
> favorite TV show, his own was none other than 'Cheers'!
>
> 'Cheers' is a good show, in my opinion, but *better than Star Trek*?
>
> I am as sure about Asimov's omniscience as I am of yours, but I am
> at a loss.
>
> Pray tell me, Oracle, how is 'Cheers' better than 'Star Trek'?
>
> -Desperate Trekkie looking at Sam Malone pulling out the 'babe kit'-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets compare the two and see if we can't get to the bottom of
} this.
}
} Stereotype         |     Cheers       |   Star Trek
} -------------------+------------------+---------------
} Old but wise leader|     Coach        |   Picard
}                    |                  |
} Hormone-crazed     |     Sam          |   Riker
} Lothario           |                  |
}                    |                  |
} Unattainable Babe  |     Rebecca      |   Deanna Troi
}                    |                  |
} Unmarried Mother   |     Carla        |   Dr Crusher
}                    |                  |
} Eternal Innocent   |     Woody        |   Wesley
}                    |                  |
} Fact-filled Bore   |     Cliff        |   Data
}                    |                  |
} Obligatory person  |     Norm         |   Geordi
} with disability    |                  |
}                    |                  |
} Smart guy who      |     Dr Crane     |   Chief O'Brien
} later appears in   |                  |
} spinoff series     |                  |
}                    |                  |
} Beverage of Choice |     Beer         |   Synthahol
}
} Aha! There we have it!
}
} The good doctor obviously prefers real beer to a
} synthetic substitute.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Mint Copy of "Foundation and Budweiser".


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