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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Mighty Oracle, bearer of pretty gosh darn good wisdom, I humbly > beseech you........please tell me > .....What gives with the Mentos?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, no, not another infestation! I _told_ you not to feed the Tic-Tacs } after midnight, but you didn't listen, did you? } } You owe the Oracle a blender, a microwave and a copy of 'Snow White".

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the eleven secret Microsoft letters between `j' and `k' that > Gates is planning to introduce on the Microsoft Unnatural Quay Bored > v. 2.01?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} While propriatary agreements prevent the oracle from disclosing the } appearance of the eleven letters, we may disclose their names and } pronunciations: } 1.      pleh (pronounced as a small belch) } 2.      unggh (an aspirated hiss) } 3.      vretch (a vr sound as in vroom) } 4.      wonderment (pronounced microsoft) } 5.      ague (silent) } 6.      eeeeel (a high pitched wail) } 7.      veltek (a brief throat clearing) } 8.      mine (may only be pronounced by Gates) } 9.      clavin (pronounced sktkr) } 10.     gabruk (an elongated throat clearing) } 11.     v1.1 (usually pronounced like v, occasionally unpronouncable)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who doesn't need to rely on artificial memory, > > How can you tell if your RAM is bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It doesn't remember ewe. } } you owe the Oracle a new diagnostic disk.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle most wise, for whom the mysteries of space are but chicken > fodder, I am confused. > > I'm still not  sure what's going to happen when the moon is in the > second house and jupiter aligns with mars. Could you clarify?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the moon is in the second house, he will take only small } valuable items such as jewellery. This is because the van is } almost full with the widescreen TV, VCR and Stereo from the } first house. } } When Jupiter aligns with Mars, we will see a leveraged buy-out } of Saturn with corresponding stock fluctuations. Buy now. } } You owe the Oracle 51% of Uranus and a moon alarm.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do they jam so many pickles into the jar so you have no choice but > to get soaked with pickle juice while tyring to get them out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see now, in addition to the IRS and the Kwik-E Motel bill, I have } this...  What is this?   -  oh, let's see  -  Hmm, this one's been } sitting here for a while...  (blows the dust off)  ...Ah yes, from a } Mister Lindburgh; wonder if he ever found that kid of his?  ...(shuffle } shuffle)  Well, crud.  I can't seem to find that note from the pickle } company... Oh, here it is!... no, it's an endorsement request for Lisa } from the Dura-Lube company...  What would they want with her? } ...(shuffle shuffle shuffle)  Nope, not here.  Okay, then where'd I } leave that jar of Vlasics...  Ah! } } By gum, they ARE rather packed in there now, aren't they?  Let's just } have a look at the label here...  Serving Size 1 ounce (about 1 } pickle... imagine that... ), Servings Per Container Usually 13... what } do they mean Usually?  Ingredients: cucumbers, water, distilled } vinegar, salt, dehydrated garlic, calcium chloride, polysorbate 80, } natural flavors (really?) and yellow 5.  Nope, nothing there... } } (Suddenly a light switches on; a dim one, to be sure, but a light } nevertheless!) } } Supplicant...  Yes, you. } It's a simple marketing strategy, you foolish human (now THERE'S a } redundant phrase!)  If they sprang for a larger jar they'd not only pay } more for jars, they'd take up more shelf space to sell the same amount } of product.   As for soaking your fingers, USE A FORK, YOU %&@!# HOMO } SAPIENS!!  <{crash}>  Damn.. } } You owe the Oracle a new jar of pickles. } } Now where'd I leave that towel...

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh strong looking Oracle, he whose nostrils I am unworthy to gaze into > and whose hair I am unworthy to pick through for fleas, whose thighs > are stronger than a legion of warriors, and whose taller than a statue > please answer my question. > Why exactly do all Oracles require people to grovel? > > --------------------------------------------------------- > Get Your *Web-Based* Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com > ---------------------------------------------------------

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                    "WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?" } }                        (a play in one act) } } SCENE: HOTMAIL, INC., a fully-owned subsidiary of ORACUCO INDUSTRIES. }       JOHN, the foreman, is with JACK, a minor executive.  VARIOUS }       WORKERS hustle back-and-forth.  Suddenly, a crisis occurs }       (but then again, that's the nature of crises). } } JOHN: Dammit, we're losing power! } } JACK: What?  Again?  How do they expect us to keep these Sparcservers }       on line without electricity?  How are we to offer free e-mail }       if we have to pay for electricity?!? } } WORKER: Central office on the line, sir!  They want to know what's }       with the slow-down. } } JOHN: Can't those jerks tell?  Our Egion generator's down to 30% }       power... } } JACK: What did it?  A malicious rumor?  A gaffe on the Great One's }       part?  Kinzler threatening to change the name again to the }       Microsoft Network Oracle? } } JOHN: No, looks like attrition from lack of grovels. } } JACK: Dammit, won't those fools ever learn?  The Oracle's ego }       supplies power for systems around the world!  Our entire setup }       here will fail!  People will have to start PAYING for e-mail }       services! } } VARIOUS WORKERS: (Shocked gasps) } } JOHN: (panicking) You, and you!  Go tell him how white--no, }       bright!--his toga is.  You, go tell him that you'd be unworthy }       to floss with his nasal hair!  Do it, do it, do it! } } JACK: (as lights fade) I just hope we're not too late... } }                                FIN

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and cunning Oracle, whose radiance I am not fit to bask in > (even with SPF 25), > > I think I can get away with the birthing stirrups, the latex gloves > and the scalpels, but any decent excuse is going to have to account > for the goat, the pentacle, the handcuffs and the stereo blasting > out "Louie, Louie" (the Iggy Pop version). > > Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And in response, thus spake the Oracle, } } Humble supplicant, who should try a blanket (SPF 2000), the decent } excuse is...Music Video.  Modern videos not only include, but require } extraneous objects that are both completely unexpected and completely } useless.  That is, APPEARANTLY completely useless.  They, of course, } are necessary for setting the mood. } However, you have one thing that must be changed.  The song. } Completely tasteless.  It is guaranteed to cause major complications } in everything. }  I (of course) have the perfect solution to your problem. } }                       Orrie, Orrie }                       ---------------- } Chorus: }   Orrie, Orrie, oh oh }   We gotta know. } } Verse 1: }   You are so great, and that we know }   Your answers do your intellect show }   Your mind is sharp and wit is keen }   You're the smartest guy I've ever seen } } Verse 2: }   Do your answers come from within? }   Will you help me on my path of sin? }   I want to use my goat and cuffs }   But my partner is a total fluff. } } Verse 3: }   Your wisdom has helped me along }   And now I can stop singing this song }   You know, you're bad, and that's a fact }   And my next question will have more tact. } } You owe the Oracle two more verses and a copy of the video.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <whine> > Do I have to? > </whine>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, as I'm sure  you heard by now, the only two things you have to do } are pay taxes and die.  I'm not in charge of collecting taxes, so... } } [Picking up the staff of *ZOT*] } } No, supplicant, this is too easy... } } [Putting down the staff of *ZOT*] } } Greetings.  The United States Department of the Treasury, Internal } Revenue Service requires your presence at an audit to be held in honor } of your 1995 Federal Income Tax Return (Form 1040).  Report to the IRS } Western District office in Ogden, Utah at 8:00 AM on March 31, 1997. } Please bring with you all records relevant to your claims for } deductions for donations to the charitable organization "Internet } Oracle."  We are especially interested in knowing how you arrived at } the estimated value of the roasted woodchucks.  Also make sure you } bring your copy of the ownership transfer papers for the fifth moon of } Jupiter. } } [smiling] } } You owe the Oracle nothing.  Just watching will be enough.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the door on a refrigerator, in the middle of a forest, were to open > and there was no-one there to see it, would the light come on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  It's not plugged in.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pray tell me, O grand Oracle, whose infinite wisdom shoots tachyon > beams where no one knows your name, whose ears have intricate warp > coils to accelerate your brain beyond any theoretical limit, the > answer to my confusion. > > I am reading a book about Isaac Asimov, where he stated (as quoted > by his brother Stanley) that although 'Star Trek' was his wife's > favorite TV show, his own was none other than 'Cheers'! > > 'Cheers' is a good show, in my opinion, but *better than Star Trek*? > > I am as sure about Asimov's omniscience as I am of yours, but I am > at a loss. > > Pray tell me, Oracle, how is 'Cheers' better than 'Star Trek'? > > -Desperate Trekkie looking at Sam Malone pulling out the 'babe kit'-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lets compare the two and see if we can't get to the bottom of } this. } } Stereotype         |     Cheers       |   Star Trek } -------------------+------------------+--------------- } Old but wise leader|     Coach        |   Picard }                    |                  | } Hormone-crazed     |     Sam          |   Riker } Lothario           |                  | }                    |                  | } Unattainable Babe  |     Rebecca      |   Deanna Troi }                    |                  | } Unmarried Mother   |     Carla        |   Dr Crusher }                    |                  | } Eternal Innocent   |     Woody        |   Wesley }                    |                  | } Fact-filled Bore   |     Cliff        |   Data }                    |                  | } Obligatory person  |     Norm         |   Geordi } with disability    |                  | }                    |                  | } Smart guy who      |     Dr Crane     |   Chief O'Brien } later appears in   |                  | } spinoff series     |                  | }                    |                  | } Beverage of Choice |     Beer         |   Synthahol } } Aha! There we have it! } } The good doctor obviously prefers real beer to a } synthetic substitute. } } You owe the Oracle a Mint Copy of "Foundation and Budweiser".