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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:58:53 GMT

Internet Oracularities #894

Goto:
894, 894-01, 894-02, 894-03, 894-04, 894-05, 894-06, 894-07, 894-08, 894-09, 894-10


Internet Oracularities #894    (106 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Mar 1997 18:33:08 -0500 (EST)

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   894
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

894  106 votes 8iyrj 57uGm 16zHl 5vzob fqvmc 98kmL 4pDqc eEvf6 8oFna etpqc
894   3.2 mean  3.3   3.7   3.7   3.0   2.9   3.8   3.2   2.6   3.0   2.9


894-01    (8iyrj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, how does "freezer burn" happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I'm so glad someone asked this question.  Freezer burn is a
} burgeoning health crisis of immense proportions for you puny earth
} mortal types.
}
} Freezer burn, quite simply, is a process whereby the skin of the victim
} becomes burned and blistered, and in some instances removed entirely.
} It occurs when one suffers from too much exposure to the harmful
} radiation emitted by the lightbulb within most freezers.
}
} The tragedy, of course, is that this can be easily prevented.
} Take the Oracle's advice:
}
} 1. Spend less than two hours in front of an open freezer.
} 2. If a lengthy amount of time is necessary, use a freezer screen of at
}    least FPF 45.
} 3. Wear hats when deciding on that next frozen entre.
} 4. Don't lick the metal lining inside of a freezer.
} 5. Don't use a freezer to tan.
} 6. Don't take a shower, coat yourself with Wesson oil, and curl up with
}    a good book inside of the freezer.
} 7. Don't have sex in a freezer.
} 8. Just assume that the light goes off, and quit trying to open the
}    door quickly to catch it before it comes on.
} 9. If you must have sex in a freezer, remove the light bulb... from the
}    socket...
} 10. Map the location of everything in your freezer to minimize "open
}     door" time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pop-sicle, a bottle of wesson oil, and a good
} book.


894-02    (57uGm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one whom i worship religiously....
>
> I am a lowly college student having difficulty in my classes.  So much
> of the poetry and literature i read seems, according to the professors,
> to make references to the Bible.  As one who was brought up in the
> grand tradition of Oracle worship, I am not familiar with this text.
> COuld you please give me a summarized or abbreviated version of it???
> I simply don;t have the time to read the whole thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, here's the Cliff's Notes version of the Bible.
}
} A very long time ago, but not nearly as long ago as geologists say, a
} fellow by the name of God created the universe.  It took him six days
} to do this (quite a trick, when you consider that days are measured by
} the rotation of the earth, which hadn't been invented yet).
}
} God also created a man, whom he named Adam.  Adam was okay, but he
} looked as if he needed company, so God made him a couple of wives.
} Adam didn't like them very much, so God took them away and tried to get
} everybody to forget about them.  But the next wife he made (who was
} called Eve) turned out to be acceptable.  Adam and Eve lived in a nice
} place called the Garden of Eden.
}
} Eventually, Adam and Eve discovered that they were naked.  Apparently
} this was very naughty - not being naked, but noticing it - and so they
} got evicted from Eden and had to go and live in the Middle East.
}
} Adam and Eve had some kids.  One of them killed his elder brother, thus
} becoming the first murderer.  The other one got married, but God really
} doesn't want you to know where his wife came from.  One thing led to
} another, and before you knew it, there were thousands of folks roaming
} the countryside.
}
} Eventually people started to get uppity, and God (because he was so
} very kind and loving) decided it was time to get rid of them all.  So
} he decided to drown them, much as one would drown an unwanted litter of
} kittens.
}
} But one man, by the name of Noah, was still well behaved, so God
} decided not to drown this one.  Under God's instruction, Noah built a
} boat big enough to hold himself and perhaps a dozen head of cattle, and
} somehow managed to cram a mated pair of every species of animal in the
} world into this barge.  Except for unicorns - there wasn't enough room
} for them.
}
} So everybody drowned except Noah and his family, and then everything
} started all over again.  There were wars and disasters and repressive
} governments, and lots of people were killed horribly.
}
} Eventually one man started telling people that this wasn't such a
} wonderful idea, and they should all love one another.  This man's name
} was Joshua, but the Romans (who had occupied his country) called him
} Jesus.  The Romans didn't like what Jesus was saying - they didn't want
} to love their enemies; they wanted to kill them in horrible ways - and
} when he revealed that he was the son of God, they scragged him.  (It is
} not mentioned how God is exempt from the law regarding adultery, but
} earlier references in the Greek literature may provide some insight.)
} And people continued killing each other in horrible ways.
}
} Eventually, the world is going to end.  You will know when this happens
} because Very Bad Things will happen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seat in the back pew, closest to the exit.


894-03    (16zHl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> moron?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A subatomic particle (one of the gauge bosons).  Morons are the
} particles which transmit the force of Stupidity, in much the same way
} that gluons transmit the strong force and photons transmit the
} electromagnetic force. For many years, morons were theoretically
} postulated, but it was only in the last few years that morons have
} actually been observed.  The initial discovery of morons was made on
} Usenet, where they accumulate in messages with titles such as
} "MAKE.MONEY.FAST".  Recently, researchers at America On Line have
} succeeded in synthesizing morons.  No commercial use has been found for
} them, however.
}
} You owe the Oracle a single quark.


894-04    (5vzob dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I just got on this Internet thing and I am very worried
> about downloading viruses. I tried to put a condom over the modem
> socket but then it wouldn't plug into the outlet properly :( What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must stretch the condom over the entire computer, not just
} the modem socket.  If your computer is bigger than a "Baby AT"
} or "Minitower", you'll need to use a Magnum (or a comparably sized
} prophylactic of another brand).
}
} Make sure you use a latex condom, not a sheepskin one, because (a)
} the latex ones stretch better, and (b) the sheepskin ones aren't as
} effective against the transmission of viruses.
}
} If your computer has dictation capabilities, such as OS/2 Warp's
} VoiceType, be sure to use a dental dam whenever you talk to your
} computer.
}
} You owe the Oracle the email addresses of five newbies to send "Good
} Times" warnings to.


894-05    (fqvmc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wordy and literate Oracle, who knows that able was I ere I saw
> Elba,  please hear my plea....
>
> Do you know a palindrome referring to a city?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Not New York," Roy went on.


894-06    (98kmL dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and grave Oracle, whose macros I am not fit to debug, what
> are the nominees in tonights Oraculary Awards? Will there be a musical
> number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ANNOUNCER: Live, from the Stephen Kinzler pavilion in Bloomington,
} Indiana, it's the 69th Annual Oraculary Awards!  Brought to you by
} Microsoft: responsible for more Oracle humor than every other software
} manufacturer combined!  By the U.S. Postal Service:  hey, anyone
} remember us?!  And by Oracle:  we're sorry people think
} rec.humor.oracle has something to do with us!  Now, here's your host,
} Billy Crystal!
}
} [Applause turns to laughter as Billy walks out wearing a woodchuck
} suit, holding several logs.]
}
} BILLY:  All right, let's get this decided once and for all!  [Throws a
} log across the stage]  One!  [Throws another log]  Two!
}
} [Uproarious laughter.  Suddenly, fireworks go off loudly.  Billy lies
} prone on the stage.]
}
} BOOMING VOICE:  You have just been zotted.  And you owe the Oracle...a
} great awards show.
}
} [Billy jumps up.]
}
} BILLY:  Oh, is that all?  That's no problem, big guy.  Welcome to the
} 69th Annual Oraculary Awards, where the question on everyone's mind is:
}  Who will win the Orrie?  Ladies and gentlemen, the Oraculary Awards
} Dancers!
}
} [Applause.  Eight hundred ninety-three dancers, each one representing
} an Oracularities Digest, come out and perform a truly amazing dance
} number during the following song.]
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Time for us to ask who will win,
} Who out there will be given the honor?
} It's time to let the show begin!
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Gates!
}
} BILL (solo):  They never stop laughing about me,
} Those incarnations that I adore,
} All those jokes about me just don't matter,
} 'Cause I'm worth a billion or four.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Canter & Siegel!
}
} CANTER:  They must have forgotten about us!
} SIEGEL:  Well, that really wasn't so hard.
} CANTER:  Because we've been kicked off the Internet!
} BOTH:  Anyone need a green card?
}
} [The audience boos.  The song continues.]
}
} ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the Oracle Priests!
}
} ALL:  They locked us in a room with a computer,
} And the modem's always humming,
} They say we can come out
} When the questions run out
} OTIS VILES (solo):  But they just keep on coming!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} It's Oraculary Awards time again,
} Hearts pound and throats are knotted,
} As everyone wonders who will win,
} And wonders who will be zotted.
}
} Who will win?
} Who will win?
} Who...will...win?
}
} [Thunderous applause.  Billy Crystal returns.]
}
} BILLY:  And our first award of the evening is, as always, Best Starring
} Performance in an Oracularity.  To present the award are head Oracle
} priest Zadoc, and head Oracle girlfriend Lisa.
}
} [Applause.  Zadoc and Lisa walk to the podium.]
}
} ZADOC:  You know, Lisa, it's surprising that we're giving this award
} together.
}
} LISA:  How's that, Zadoc?
}
} ZADOC:  Because our relationship with the Oracle is so different.  When
} he calls my name, it's usually for punishment.  But when he calls your
} name, it's usually for pleasure.
}
} LISA:  I wouldn't be too sure about it not being for punishment, Zadoc.
}
} [Laughter.]
}
} ZADOC:  The nominees for Best Starring Performance in an Oracularity
} are:
}
} LISA:  Bill Gates, 861-09!
}
} > That's pretty amazing!  Nobody at the whole company has either sent
} > or received e-mail for the last 20 minutes!
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  John Hallmark, 889-01!
}
} > Oh Oracle most wise, why is there such a long time between holidays?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA:  Zadoc, 883-04!
}
} } Yes Master. Here you are.
}
} [Applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  Lisa, 789-03!
}
} }  Senator Packwood, when are you going to get it through your
} }  skull that 'Cease and desist' is not a term of affection?
}
} [Applause.]
}
} LISA:  And finally, the Internet Oracle, 872-04!
}
} } Oh, well, time to walk the woodchuck.
}
} [Thunderous applause.]
}
} ZADOC:  And the Orrie goes to...[opens envelope]...the Internet Oracle,
} 872-04!
}
} [The band plays "Theme from 872-04."  The audience gives the Oracle a
} standing ovation as he walks slowly up to the stage.  He embraces Lisa
} and completely ignores Zadoc.]
}
} ORACLE:  Oh, yeah!  Hey, what is this, 69 in a row?  Well, that's what
} happens when you know who the voters are and have the power to zot
} them. Anyway, I have a few people I'd like to thank.  First of all, of
} course, the lovely Lisa for standing behind me in every way possible.
} I'm sorry you didn't win, honey, but at least we have this to put on
} the mantel.  And I'd like to thank the Association of Computer Monitor
} Manufacturers for making my words look so good all these years.  And I
} can't forget...
}
} [The band starts playing.  Orrie looks surprised.]
}
} BILLY CRYSTAL:  That's what happens when you go past the
} 7-and-a-half-line limit with your acceptance speech.  Well, folks,
} that's the 69th Annual Oraculary awards.  Congratulations to our
} winner, and...AWK!
}
} [Billy falls over.]
}
} ORACLE:  And this time, it's a real zot, you Shecky Greene wannabe.  As
} I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...
}
} ANNOUNCER:  Costumes provided by Acme Taxidermy of Beverly Hills.  This
} has been an Internet Oracle production, in association with An
} Incarnation With a Lot of Time on His Hands, Incorporated.  Stay tuned
} for...AWK!
}
} [The announcer falls out of his booth.]
}
} ORACLE:  I was going to say, that I can't forget Zadoc, who took on
} many of the production responsibilities for me this year.  But it seems
} that he's done QUITE a poor job.  Start running, Zadoc!
}
} ZADOC [offstage]:  I'm already out the door.........


894-07    (4pDqc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> !toz

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} . . . lamron ot snruter gnihtyreve os dnA
}
}  ***TOZ***
} . . . etartsnomed ot em wollA
} . . . eetTOZ eht era latrom eht ,uoY  .retTOZ eht sa ,gnitTOZ eht seod
} ohw I si tI ?siht si ssendam fo dnik tahW
}
} ,tnacilppuS desufnoC raeD


894-08    (eEvf6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Orrie, knower of all and all around good guy, could you
> please tell me how many peppers peter piper picked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone knows that Peter picked a peck of peppers, what is far less
} well known is that he later filed a suit in superior court charging his
} employer with unfair labor practices. That case, settled out of court
} made Peter a wealthy man. He never picked another pepper.


894-09    (8oFna dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose name I cannot refuse to pronounce, whose
> hatred of woodchucks is shared by all of the unworthy supplicants,
> and whose nostrils I am unworthy of sleeping in, please give me a
> minute piece of knowledge from your vast canister of knowledge.s
> What does it take to become a priest of the mighty Oracle?
> May I attempt to be a Priest of the mighty Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ~~Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!~~
}
} _You_ want to be a Priest of the Order of the Oracle??
} Well, since you asked:
} There is an initiation. And a fee, and so forth...
}
} INITIATION TO THE SECRET ORDER OF THE ORACLE   (ITTSOOTO)
} Choose one of the following:
} 1) Stand on your head and invent palindromes for ten minutes straight.
} 2) Stand on your feet and invent a ten minute palindrome in one minute.
} 3) Stand on my head and say "yasdna aehym nod nats."
} 4) Send fifteen boxtops, a self addressed, stamped envelope and the
} color of the Order Robe Belt (ORB) you desire to:
} Secret Order of the Oracle   (SOO)
} PO box 25
} Paris, TX 72802
} No grovelling accepted. No box tops, no membership.
}
} RULES OF THE ORDER   (ROTO)
} 1) You must never mistype "oral" instead of "oracle."
} 2) You must never mistype "oracle" instead of "oral."
} 3) Never reveal the true meaning of the oracular anagram: B.L.T.
} 4) You may never punch somebody in the nose for calling you a "frater."
} 5) Members who violate the vow of chastity shall be excommunicated.
}
} VOW OF CHASTITY   (VOC)
} 1) (Raise you right hand) "I, ________, of the _________ Chapter of
} the WeBeLoPs (We'll Be Loyal Priests), do solemnly swear, that I would
} rather be a sparrow than a snail, I would rather be a hammer than a
} nail, and I would rather be chased than chaste. If I could, I surely
} would."
}
} You are now a Priest of the Order of the Oracle (POO).
} (You can put down your hand now.)
}
} MEMBERSHIP FEES   (MF)
} Members who are presently living in a fuedal country may pay in sacks
} of grain or salt. Members in collective regimes should pay in black
} market tobacco, wine, or jeans. Members who are joining in chapters
} located in capitalist states or social democracies shall pay in cash,
} US dollars or the equivalent -- pesos,  yearly or monthly , through the
} nose.
}
} DISCLAIMER
} The Order of the Oracle (OO), is not responsible for any loss due to
} theft, swindling, or accidently flushing down the toilet. Anyone who
} believes the PO box above shall be excommunicated _a priori_.
}
} Note:
} Upon reading this statement, whether the supplicant chooses to join
} the odor, I mean order,  or to continue his / her miserable life of
} dull driveling about the difficulty of getting decent oral response, I
} mean oracle response, or not, shall name his / her first born child or
} the next one that comes out with the initials of the secret anagram:
} B.L.T.
}
} (I said you can put your hand down already! Geeez...)


894-10    (etpqc dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Write an essay about Poe, in the style of Poe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nevermore!


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