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Internet Oracularities #895

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895, 895-01, 895-02, 895-03, 895-04, 895-05, 895-06, 895-07, 895-08, 895-09, 895-10


Internet Oracularities #895    (123 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 12:23:04 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

895  123 votes iDGi6 fnsAl 9kvKh drzBb 6jyHl 6atAG bqtCj eBwnh kJxg9 7gAyu
895   3.2 mean  2.6   3.2   3.3   3.0   3.4   3.8   3.2   2.9   2.6   3.5


895-01    (iDGi6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle:
>
> Lather, rinse, repeat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Regrettably, in The Oracle's case it's more like "spray, polish, buff".
}
} You owe the Oracle a tub of Sex Wax. It may not be intended for
} heads, but it sounds like good stuff.


895-02    (fnsAl dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When can we expect the Object-oriented Java-based (with Just-In-Time
> native compilation, of course) client/server distributed Web-based GUI
> Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
}
} Mountain View, CA -- Workstation giant Sun Microsystems announced today
} the pre-alpha version of its new Internet Oracle server, dubbed "Insert
} Lame Coffee Pun".
}
} "We spent many sleepless afternoons trying to think of yet another
} coffee reference," said Sun's Marketing weasel Alan Smithee. "Finally,
} we decided to let the customer think up their own. It's hip, it's
} postmodern, it's 'Gen-X'. In short, it embodies the spirit of the
} Internet Oracle."
}
} The new version of the Oracle is enhanced to conform with today's
} exacting buzzword requirements. Smithee guarentees that the phrases
} "Just In Time", "Java", "Internet", "Client/Server", "Cross-platform"
} and "Web-based" will appear in all materials associated with the
} product at least 14 times each. "We're really pushing the edge of the
} envelope with this one; we're putting in more buzzwords more often than
} any of our competitors are even attempting!"
}
} Beyond the buzzword innovation, Sun's new product is one of the first
} major software releases to implement the formal CAMEL (Combined
} Association for the Mutilation of the English Language) specifications.
} This industry consortium, building on 20 years of work in the computer
} science and engineering fields, has produced a set of tools and
} guidelines for the over-use of non-words such as "architected",
} "positioned", "solutions" and "utilize".
}
} Smithee acknowledges that Sun is opening itself up to criticism in
} releasing a product that does not, in fact, exist. "Frankly, we can't
} concern ourselves with what the so-called 'experts' say. Our customers
} want true cross-platform solutions, and our new Oracle server doesn't
} run equally well on all platforms it doesn't support."
}
} Utilizing new Just-in-Time technology solutions architected by the
} original Java team, the new Internet Oracle implements a Web-based
} client/server model at a speed previously unheard of in the Java world.
} "Right now the server is running at a speed comparable to an
} underclocked Timex-Sinclair ZX-80 programmed in BASIC, and we're
} confident that with additional development, we can speed that up by a
} factor of almost 1.5!"
}
} Smithee thinks Sun is positioned in a key market sector. "We expect the
} Internet Oracle to continue its phenomenal logarithmic growth. It's
} definitely one of the most exciting products on the market today."
}
} ##


895-03    (9kvKh dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I don't see my reflection in the mirror.
>
> Should I start worrying or is this normal at my age?
>
> I am human.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've heard this one before. The denial in your deceptively simple "I am
} human" is screamingly clear. I know this is going to sound harsh,
} Supplicant, but you are one of the undead. I do not judge you for this.
} I do not condemn you. Instead, I celebrate the diversity which you
} represent. Be glad you're finding out early instead of after having
} made your first kill out of desperation. This way, you can find your
} victims with care and attention instead of taking the first back-alley
} fling that comes along. I also strongly suggest that you find a good
} therapist who is qualified in dealing with issues surrounding coming
} out as undead and who can point you toward a support group of kindred
} damned souls so you won't have to go through the transition period
} alone. Your parents may not take it very well. Your friends may abandon
} you out of fear you may see them as food. This will be the hardest
} thing you have ever done, but you will be a better person for it. Live
} your truth. Live your heart, even if it has stopped beating.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vampire pride flag.


895-04    (drzBb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The beauty of this piece is the ambiguity of statement that it is
} making (or not making). The suggestions that immediately occur when
} viewing the piece are those of beginnings, endings, increases and
} decreases, but such readings of a piece are of course suggested by our
} social upbringing, and not by our inner emotions.
}
} The only real statement that this piece makes is that of ">" ness, and
} inevitably, this piece, reiterations of it and other such gems will
} be the cause of Oracular debate for years to come.
}
} You owe the Oracle a readable book of Art Criticism and a question.


895-05    (6jyHl dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't Windows 3.1 manage to terminate a DOS prompt
> when you shut it down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some people think of Windows 3.1 as an operating system, much like Unix
} or DOS, but let's face it: it's just an application that runs under
} DOS.  DOS has a pretty strong will to live (as evidenced by its
} survival after countless attempts to kill it), so when DOS (the
} operating system) notices that Windows 3.1 is trying to terminate DOS
} (the window), it (DOS the operating system) reminds it (Windows 3.1)
} who is really in charge by firmly grasping it (Windows) by the
} [censored] and squeezing ever so lightly until it (Windows) cries for
} mercy by displaying that wimpy little window that says, "I can't shut
} down DOS; I admit it.  Now please, Please, PLEASE let go!"  If Windows
} were smart enough, it would remember the next time and not try to shut
} down a DOS prompt, but then, if Windows were smart enough, a lot of
} things would be different, wouldn't they?
}
} You owe the Oracle an upgrade to Windows NT 4.0 which can shut down a
} DOS prompt with the click of a mouse.  Oh, yes, and 32 Meg of RAM.


895-06    (6atAG dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
> It is to our great sorrow we must announce that we no longer have room
> for your services. While we have great respect for the work you've done
> (and are willing to offer a more-than-generous severance package to
> prove it), we have decided that it is nonessential to our company
> mission, and have been forced to sell the Oracularities division to
> Apple. Please accept our condolences; we wish you well in the future
> and will gladly come calling if your services are ever needed again.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Backbone Cabal

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sir,
}
}     Thank you for your communication of the 21st inst. My Master,
} the Oracle, has asked me to respond to your letter as he believes
} that dabbling in snailmail is somewhat beneath his dignity.
}
}     My Master would like me to inform you he is fully sympathetic to
} the fact that (and I quote) a shabbily-run Mickey Mouse outfit like
} yours will inevitably have to divest itself of some of its divisions
} from time to time to prevent the share price from plunging completely
} out of sight, and he looks forward to the opportunities offered by
} his move to Apple. He has even promised me my own Mac. This is so
} typical of my Master's boundless concern and generosity: he'd
} obviously noticed how wet I'd gotten coming in through the rain
} this morning.
}
}     To show that there's no hard feelings, my Master has even asked
} me to convey to you a glimpse of the near future, as a parting
} gesture of good faith:
}
} June 1997: Apple starts up a Radical New Ventures Division, headed
}     by my Master. This Division will initially concentrate on three
}     new product lines.
}
} October 1997: Apple launches the wholly revamped New Lisa Personal
}     Computer. There are riots by testosterone-crazed geeks outside
}     computer stores as stocks of the laptop model run out. Morality
}     groups are up in arms, and questions are asked in Congress.
}
} December 1997: The second product of Apple's Radical New Ventures
}     Division hits the high street: WebSmacker. This is an application
}     that sits on a person's PC and identifies the true sender of any
}     junk email, spam or flames. It then automatically contacts the
}     most muscular Oracular priest living near the sender, who goes
}     around to his house and breaks his kneecaps. Apple is named
}     Company of the Year.
}
} January 1998: An alliance is announced between Apple, Oracle (that's
}     not my Master, you understand), IBM, DEC, Hewlett-Packard, Netscape
}     Communications and Cindy Crawford Industries to produce the new
}     Ultra-Thin Client. This is a palmtop Network Computer which
}     connects the user directly to my Master who tells him everything
}     he needs to know or do. The value of Apple shares overtakes that
}     of Microsoft shares when newspapers reveal that Bill Gates spends
}     every night with his New Lisa. Steve Jobs is initiated into the
}     Oracular priesthood.
}
} March 1998: With the colossal revenues generated by the new product
}     lines, Apple goes on a take-over spree. Amongst the companies
}     bought are Unisys, Cisco, Adobe, AT&T, Rubbermaid and the Backbone
}     Cabal.
}
} April 1998: At his own request, my Master transfers from the Radical
}     New Ventures Division to head up the newly acquired Backbone Cabal.
}     One of his first actions as chief executive is to have his
}     predecessor strung up by his genitals.
}
}     Under the circumstances, my Master would like to add that, much
} as he appreciates the gesture, the golden parachute you so graciously
} offered him will not be required. He'll help himself to anything he
} needs next April. See you soon!
}
} Yours faithfully,
}
} Zadoc
} Oracular Priest


895-07    (bqtCj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oraculum Oraculorum,
>
> Why did the road cross the chicken?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He fell asleep in front of the paving machine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bucket of asphalt fried chicken


895-08    (eBwnh dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't they ever have live goldfish at the sushi bar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because they won't stay in those tight little rolls.


895-09    (kJxg9 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it impossible to kill spam?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was like being in a nightmare.  I was trying to get to the school, I
} knew that if I didn't hurry I was going to be late so I HAD TO GET TO
} THE SCHOOL... but every road I took was blocked by policemen and
} soldiers with their guns ready, or Comrades building barracades.  First
} I tried Jabulani Street, then i turned into Kwaza Road and than Lamini
} Street... and then I gave up and just wandered around aimlessly,
} helplessly, watching my world go mad and set itself on fire.
} Everywhere I went... broken windows, bodies, demolished SPAM cans,
} government offices.... everything burning and the children dancing
} around with matches and shouting "WE LOVE SPAM, WE LOVE SPAM."... and
} then running for their lives when the police armored  cars appeared.
} They were everywhere, crawling around in the smoke like giant dung
} beetles looking for SPAM to eat.
}
} I ended up on the corner where Mrs. Makatini always sits selling
} betkoek and prickly pears to people waiting for the bus.  The only
} person there was little Sipho Fondini from 6th grade writing on the
} wall: "SPAM First, then Education."  He saw me and called out: "Is the
} spelling right Teacher?"  And he meant it!  The young eyes in that
} smoke-stained face were terribly serious.
} Somewhere else a police van reaced past me crowded with children who
} should have also been in their desks in school.  Their hands waved
} desperately through the bars, their voices called out: "Teacher!
} Teacher! Help us!  Tell our mothers.  Tell our fathers."  "No Anela," I
} told myself.  "This is too much now.  Just stand here and close your
} eyes and wait until you wake up and find your world the way it was,
} SPAM or no." But that didn't happen.  A police car came around the
} corner and suddenly there were children everywhere throwing stones and
} tear-gas bombs falling all around.  I knew I wasn't dreaming, that I
} was coughing and choking and hanging on to a lamppost in the real
} world.  No! No!
} Do something Anela.  Do something.  Stop the madness! Stop the madness.
} ___________________
}
} No foolish supplicant.  The riddance of the accursed SPAM from this
} world just wouldn't be worth the struggle.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of "My Children!  My Africa!" by Athol
} Fugard.


895-10    (7gAyu dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wholly Oracle, please tell me ...
>
> Tell me something you have never told ANYBODY before!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are a fine, upstanding, well mannered supplicant, and it is a
} pleasure to answer your questions. I have no intentions of ZOTting you,
} please write again, even if your next question involves woodchucks.
}
} Now I *know* I've never said that to anyone else before.


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