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25 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:46:02 GMT

Internet Oracularities #896

Goto:
896, 896-01, 896-02, 896-03, 896-04, 896-05, 896-06, 896-07, 896-08, 896-09, 896-10


Internet Oracularities #896    (121 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 09:10:46 -0500 (EST)

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   896
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

896  121 votes EEna8 cqxBd 1ezMn gpwqm bxPm4 78xKr 2kNrn amxzl 3lDEi 7hTwa
896   3.2 mean  2.2   3.1   3.6   3.1   2.8   3.6   3.4   3.3   3.4   3.2


896-01    (EEna8 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@plaza.ds.adp.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me what's time is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Time to buy a watch.


896-02    (cqxBd dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle who is one with the Internet, tell me what is the
> purpose of AOL users?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Target practice.
}
} You owe the Oracle a semi-automatic -> fully-automatic ZOT staff kit.


896-03    (1ezMn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wonderous Oracle, who alone knows what happened to
> Tucumcare, NM in 1927 please tell me...
>
>  If Hale-Bopp has caused the suicide of 39 religious nutters,
> how large a comet, and how many aliens, would be needed to
> remove the entire radical religious right, and would it be a
> Good Thing?
>
>  And where do I go to book another comet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *slightly devious grin*
}
} Well, well, well.
} Such a devious yet clever plan you have in store, oh Supplicant.
} I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but based on some figures in
} recent comet news, you will have to get a very VERY large comet. To
} figure out just HOW big involves very complex math.
}
} If we look at the Comet Halley, and realize that it had an approximate
} size of 16x8x8 km (That's 10x5x5 miles for all you non-metric users out
} there.  Get with the times!), and then look at the size of the
} much larger Hale-Bopp, which is estimated to have a size of 40 km in
} diameter (Hint: 25 miles), and factor in that with a comet that size
} and NO aliens visibly present only killing 39 crazies, I'm sure you can
} see the dilemma. Setting up a quick equation, we get:
}
} 40 km diameter                   X
} --------------  = -----------------------------------
}   39 crazies       6 million religious right members
}
} Now, notice we have to guesstimate just how many religious right
} members there may be. You may substitute in the number of your own
} estimate.
}
} After doing the arithmetic, you can see we must have a comet that is
} approximately 6,153,846 km diameter. Considering the Earth's diameter
} is approximately 12,740 km, I would come to the conclusion, and I would
} assume you would also, having a comet that is over 483 times the size
} of the puny rock you live on speeding towards you at a very high speed
} would be a Bad Thing, regardless of whether Pat Buchanan was killed in
} the process.
}
} Next, for determining the number of visible aliens needed, using the
} equation, we will use the equation:
}
} 0 visible aliens                    X
} -----------------  =  ---------------------------------
}    39 crazies         6 million religious right members
}
} We can see that you will not need a single visible alien! Posting some
} large posters on the telephone poles near some key members of the
} religious right's houses proclaiming the coming of Yoda and Quark to
} their hometown should be sufficient enough for your purposes.
}
} If you still insist, even after my grave warning, on booking a comet to
} come shooting through, I would strongly suggest Comet Time. I hear they
} even have new person-seeking comets available for sale.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large comet-detonator and every single X-Files
} episode on high-quality VHS tape.


896-04    (gpwqm dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Qu'est-ce que c'est?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} . . .L'Oracle, idol d'humanite, strollez into la Cafe D'Azur, awash
} avec hormones d'manly et radiant avec la beauty exquisite par
} excellence.  Le supplicantes, overcome avec awe at L'Oracle's je nis se
} quoi, quietten (pour unce) et beam avec joyeus rapteur at seeing
} L'Oracle.  But L'Oracle sees only l'supplicantes femmes.  L'Oracle
} questez pour l'femme perfecte.
}       At la barre, Lisa sittez, alone.  Aware d'l'quiettude, looks up,
} et sees. . .L'Oracle.  L'Oracle sees Lisa. . .eyes meetez.  _Amore_.
}       L'Oracle ambulez to la barre, et sits besides la femme fatale.
}       "Chablis," sayez L'Oracle, et looks at Lisa.  "Deux Chablis."
}       L'supplicantes rejectes become restlesse.  They beginnez to
}       speak. ZOTTE!  ZOTTE!  ZOTTE!
}       L'supplicantes quietten (pour deuxce).
}       Une moment magique.
}       Pas de deux.


896-05    (bxPm4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh superwise and mega-sweet-smelling Oracle, whose nostril hairs I am
> not fit to pluck, how do I become Pope? Are there classes I should take
> or do I just drop off a resume at the Vatican reception desk? What's
> the procedure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's clear you missed the advert in last week's Vatican Times
} classified section.  Fortunately, the Oracle hasn't yet hauled the
} papers out to the recycle bin.  Hmm...where has Zadoc put them...ah,
} here we go.
}
} "POPE:  Full time opening for pontiff.  The ideal applicant will be
} Catholic, male and have several decades of increasing responsibility
} tending to the faithful.  Fluency in Latin, Greek and Hebrew a must,
} good working knowledge of English and Italian a plus.  Relocation to
} Vatican City required.  Some travel required.  We offer a generous
} compensation package including housing, meals and full medical and
} dental coverage.  Forward resume, salary requirements and references to
} Human Resources Department, College of Cardinals, Vatican City."


896-06    (78xKr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do women get all crabby when they're pregnant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, at least this one is a break from the "why do women get crabby
} when they're Pre-menstrual" questions I've been getting lately.  Not
} that any of you Neanderthals would put it in exactly those terms; "why
} do women get bitchy when they have their periods" is more along your
} lines.
}
} I'll be honest, supplicant, I used to be thoughtless about this
} subject, too.  That was until Lisa put me on the Pregnancy Empathy
} Program, and a more ill-appropriate acronym was never chosen!  For your
} information, here is a copy of the program so you can try it for
} yourself.
}
} Lisa's Pregnancy Empathy Program - Nine Days to Better Understanding
} --------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Introduction:
}
}         This program is designed to make it clearer to men why women
} behave the way they do during pregnancy.  While participating in this
} program, please keep in mind that women go through this for nine
} months.  In order to ensure that more men can and will complete the
} program, we have shortened it to 9 days.
}
} DAY 1
} =====
} Every time you go to the bathroom, save a sample for a test.  Place a
} small piece of blotter paper in your urine sample.  Squint at the paper
} for any sign of a change.  Repeat until you see one.
}
} DAY 2
} =====
} Eat as usual, but immediately after breakfast, take 2 tablespoons of
} syrup of Ipecac.  It is imperative that you NOT give in to the
} temptation to lose your lunch.  If you do, try it again. Repeat this
} step after breakfast on days 3 and 4.
}
} DAY 3
} =====
} Add a 10 mile jog to your fitness regimen today, and repeat each day
} through day 7.
}
} Have large pineapple surgically implanted in your stomach.
}
} Day 4
} =====
} Wear an additional layer of clothing today and tomorrow, even if your
} office is superheated.  Walk into a supermarket and choose two items at
} random from the shelves.  Eat these items - together - and nothing
} else.
}
} Day 5
} =====
} add additional padding to your wardrobe, especially around the chest,
} thighs, and stomach.  Increase this padding daily through end of
} program. Wear it 24 hours a day.  Work in it.  run in it.  Sleep in it
} (if you can).
}
} Day 8
} =====
} set an alarm clock to go off every half hour through the course of the
} night.  Repeat tomorrow.
}
} Day 9
} =====
} Go into hospital and lie in one place until you are able to, without
} surgical assistance, squeeze the pineapple implanted on day 4 out
} through your anus.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Try it - it worked for me....
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of preparation H and a lifetime supply of
} bland foods.


896-07    (2kNrn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT ORACLE, WHO HAS A CAPITAL INTELLIGENCE, PLEASE AID THIS POOR
> USER.  EVERYBODY TELLS ME TO STOP USING UPPER CASE LETTERS, BUT ALL I
> SEE ON MY KEYBOARD ARE CAPS.  HOW CAN I TYPE LOWER CASE LETTERS?
>
> AND HOW DOES EVERYONE KNOW I USE AMERICA ONLINE?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your computer [the thing that consists of your TV-looking square thing,
} the thing you are typing on, and that big square box-ish thing.] is
} apparently not functioning properly, oh capitalistic one. Have you not
} done so already, I would strongly suggest pushing the power button
} [that's the button on the big square thing that has "power" written
} next to it] numerous times successively as a start, to make sure there
} is enough memory [stuff the box stores stuff in] left for all of the
} uppercase letters [big. capital. annoying. bad.] and the lowercase
} letters [small. friendly. good.].
}
} Now, you need to buy some more keyboards [that thing you are typing on,
} remember?]. You need to buy them until you get one that does not have a
} lit "caps lock" lcd [that shiny little green thing] in the corner; this
} may take 2 keyboards, 10, or even 52 keyboards. Don't worry though, it
} is money well spent. Whenever you type something, and want a lowercase
} letter, plug [insert into appropriate socket on back of the box thing]
} in the keyboard that is not lit up [not shining]. When you decide you
} want an uppercase letter, you plug [same as before. atta boy.] the
} keyboard with that has the lit up [shining] caps lock lcd in.
}
} This may seem like a lot of trouble [inconvenient. annoying. something
} you don't like. bad.], but it is worth the extra effort. It should fix
} your problem completely. If not, open up the square box, find the flat
} green thing that your phone cord [that thin grey thing connected to
} your computer from your phone jack] connects to on the back of the box,
} rip it out with a triumphant [happy. gleeful.] roar and jump up and
} down on it until it splinters [turns into many little pieces rather
} than one big one.] all over your floor. This will fix any problem you
} have now for sure, and will ensure you do not have problems such as
} this in the future.
}
} The America Online question, well. If you have to ask, you don't need
} to know. Someday you too will graduate to the big leagues and be able
} to say "You use AOL, you luser!" with no doubt at all.
}
} SO, IF THAT IS ALL, I THINK I WILL GO SEE IF I HAVE ANY MAIL ON MSN.
}
} You owe the Oracle a computer terms dictionary and a "Tech Support for
} Dummies" book.


896-08    (amxzl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ------------54A8718364871
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>
> Exactly what IS the sound of one hand clapping?
>
> ------------54A8718364871
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=us-ascii
>
> <HTML><BODY>
>
> <DT>Exactly what IS the sound of one hand clapping?&nbsp;</DT>
>
> </BODY>
> </HTML>
> ------------54A8718364871--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ---Orresponder2342874251744B----
} Content-receive-decoding: 512bit
} Content-Type: super/omnipitent; charset=world-wscii
}
} <OTML><IMMORTAL BODY>
}
} <FONT +6><STRONG><BIG>Supplicant!!!</BIG></STRONG></FONT +6>
}
} <COMMAND><font +7>Slap yourself in the face!</font +7></COMMAND>
}
} <BLINK>This</BLINK>is the <MIDI>sound</MIDIi>of one hand clapping!
}
} <PAYMENT>You owe the <FONT +3>Oracle</FONT +3> a beer dispensing
} plugin</PAYMENT>
}
} </IMMORTAL BODY>
} </OTML>
}
} ---Orresponder2342874251744B----


896-09    (3lDEi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I climb the tree, will I regret it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This would seem to depend on who you are, on where you are, on what
} the tree is, and why you want to climb it.  In an effort to satisfy
} most of the common possibilities:
}
} * You'll love it!  They send a whole fire engine out for you, and
} then you get to claw the fireman's face all the way down the ladder!
}
} * CLIMB TREE THEN GET EGG.  Go underground and WAIT for the thief.
} GIVE EGG TO THIEF.  When you kill him, you can get the egg back.
}
} * There's no trees in the desert!  Climb the mesa instead.  Be sure
} to bring your Acme Rocket Skates(tm).  That bird will be yours, super
} genius, oh yes, it will be yours.
}
} * You've seen what it does to kites, Charlie Brown.  Don't be a
} blockhead.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shrub.


896-10    (7hTwa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mystic Oracle,
>
> Do I really have to be all I can be? Or can I just be some of it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         That depends. If you're in the Army, Regulation 37 paragraph 3
} line 62 states that you must be at least 98.2% of what you can be at
} all times. This regulation is highly controversial, as it has led to
} many "friendly fire" accidents in wartime; individual soldiers,
} realizing that they are capable of being either enemies or friends,
} have occasionally under battlefield stress attempted to fulfill the
} regulation by being both at once.
}
}         If you're a civilian, it depends on how many different things
} you're capable of being. For example, one person may be capable of
} being either a banker, a chef, or a yak driver. It is generally
} considered an unhealthy strain on the heart to work more than 24 hours
} a day, or to be more than 2.4 people at the same time.
}
} You owe the oracle a recruiting brochure and a yak.


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