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Internet Oracularities #897

Goto:
897, 897-01, 897-02, 897-03, 897-04, 897-05, 897-06, 897-07, 897-08, 897-09, 897-10


Internet Oracularities #897    (124 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 7 Apr 1997 09:13:32 -0500 (EST)

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   897
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

897  124 votes 8mRz6 hAGl8 mCIh3 aCBu9 brFve beAFm dFDq5 hsBqg 8tJuc 5vOu8
897   3.0 mean  3.1   2.7   2.5   2.9   3.1   3.4   2.8   3.0   3.1   3.0


897-01    (8mRz6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        O     CH
> H C    ||    | 3
>  3\    C     N
>    \  / \   / \   H
>     \/   \ /   \ /
>     N     C     C
>     |     ||    ||
>     |     ||    ||
> O===C     C-----N
>      \   /
>       \ /
>        N
>        |
>        CH
>          3

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you must know...
}
} *After* being zotted, the molecule will look like this:
}
}         O     CH====N O
}  H C    ||    |      2      C---C
}   4     C     N     /      / \   \
}        /     /     H      /   \   \
}       /     /     /      /     \   C
}      N     C     C      CH      \  |\\
}      |     ||    ||     | 2      \ | \\
}      |     ||    ||     |         \|  \\
} Fe===C     Z     Fo     N H        C===O
}       \   /      \\    / 4
}        \ /        \\  /                        Ct
}         N          \\/                           4
}         |           O          H O     Bg
}         CH                      2        4
}           3
}
} Which of course, as you may have noticed, violates many laws of
} chemistry, as well as a few rules of good taste.  But that is what
} makes it such a great toy^H^H^Hweapon.  Notice in particular the
} cluster of 4 Bogons in the bottom-right, and the nearby cluster of 4
} Computrons.  In the next instant they combine, and then it's all over
} for the supplicant.  No caffeine will help him there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bogon filter for Usenet.


897-02    (hAGl8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most funky, what are the words to Oklahoma!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oklahoma you're so fine!
} You're so fine you blow my mind!
} Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
}
} Hmmm that doesn't seem quite right. Maybe this is it....
}
} Welcome to the hotel Oklahoma
} Such a lovely place....
}
} No, no, that doesn't sound right either. Perhaps....
}
} Oh, now I've forgotten what the question was! Please send the message
} again!


897-03    (mCIh3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most sumptious Oracle, who knows many fine recipes that use both
> tarragon and cinnamon, please tell me:
>
> Should I try to rescue the cream sauce, or should I make a simple roux?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are some things that are too important even for The Oracle; all I
} can tell you is that if you make the wrong choice, you'll roux it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _1001 Lame Cooking Puns_.


897-04    (aCBu9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle read and answer well:
>
> If I were to set the computers in school up into a continuous prime
> number algorithm loop while they were playing the star spangled banner
> over the intercom system, and hard wired the power switches to activate
> police sirens instead of shutting off, and locked the bootstrap and
> interupt 23 (ctrl-break) so they triggered the message "ha ha", and
> were to bolt the power cable to the wall and pour steel reinforced
> cement over it so it was impossible to unplug, and sat two secret
> service agents in the breaker room that shot at will at anything that
> even twitched in the direction of the main power breaker, would my
> teacher give me an A?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow, this all sounds mighty industrious for somebody who is too lazy to
} study. In any case, it won't work, and you will still fail the course.
} Sorry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of you saying, "would you like fries
} with that, sir?"


897-05    (brFve dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is that smell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's called Lysol.  Perhaps a better question is, why is your roommate
} spraying it so liberally in your living quarters.
}
} You owe the oracle a bar of Irish Spring.  Used.


897-06    (beAFm dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracles most wise tell me who i am

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene: The Oracle's Throne Room. . .
} ______________________________________________________________
}
} Zadoc: Okay, most wise and wonderful master, there is only one more
} supplication left for the day.
}
} Oracle: Good.  Read it to me.
}
} Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am."
}
} Oracle: You are Zadoc.
}
} Zadoc: No, master, you misunderstand.  What I--
}
} Oracle (grabbing the staff of ZOT): WHAT WAS THAT?
}
} Zadoc: (trembling) I am eternally remorseful, worshipful Master; I will
} wallow in radioactive pond slime for this grave affront.
}
} Oracle (setting the staff back down): Good. . .but read to me that last
} supplication again.
}
} Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am."
}
} Oracle (slightly irritated): I just told you, you are Zadoc.  Now read
} me that last supplication.
}
} Zadoc: That _was_ the last supplication, O divinely-inspired One.
}
} Oracle: What was?
}
} Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am."
}
} Oracle: What?  Why would anyone care who _you_ are, Zadoc?  (picking up
} the staff of ZOT again, and staring deeply and meaningfully at its
} head) Have you been spreading tall tales of your "many wonderful feats"
} again?
}
} Zadoc: Oh, no, my effluvulent master!  I would never dream of such a
} thing!  I am but the lowest of the low, humble Zadoc, who will never be
} worthy even to launder your money or towels!
}
} Oracle: I'm glad to hear it.
}
} Zadoc: It is the duty of every good Oracular priest to make you glad.
} I am so happy that I have succeeded.  (Lisa enters.)  Lisa!
}
} Oracle: Lisa! (looks at pocketwatch) You're early!  (prances happily
} off towards bedroom.  Lisa turns to follow.)
}
} Zadoc: Wait, Lisa.  One of the supplicants has a question.
}
} Lisa (stopping):  Oh?  What is it?
}
} Zadoc: "Oh oracle. . .most wise, tell me who I am."
}
} Lisa: That's easy.  The supplicant can not deduce his or her own
} identity by themselves implies that they cannot think for themselves.
} Applying Descartes famous rule, there is no proof of the supplicant's
} actual existence.  And the burden of proof is always on the supplicant.
}
} Zadoc: Thank you, Lisa.  I'll tell the supplicant that, right away.
} Sheesh.  I'm glad you came.  I spent fifteen minutes trying to get an
} answer out of the hyperhormonal oaf there.
}
} Lisa: Yeah. (sighs)  Sometimes I don't know why I keep him around.
}
} Oracle (from bedroom): Lisa, are you coming?
}
} Lisa: (to bedroom door) Sure, HotHips; hold your horses.  Just a
} second.  (to Zadoc)  Let's elope.
}
} Zadoc (sparkling with ingenue): Okay.
}
} (They leave, hand in hand.)


897-07    (dFDq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, least wise:
>
> Can you explain Steve Boursy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boursy, Steve:
} Carbon based life form.
} Gender believed to be of the masculine however no evidence provided to
}   date to prove this hypotheses.
} Known to be fond of polyester slacks.
} Often found in state of epiphany when listening to Milli Vanilli.
} Believed to be mostly harmless.  However it is recommended that you
}   avoid approaching the individual on Wednesday afternoons.
} The genealogy of this species is unknown to date, however it has been
}   rumoured that this individual is the product of faulty cloning of
}   "Waldo".
}
} You owe the oracle an apology for the opening insult and a dissertation
} on why you tuck your shirt into your underpants.


897-08    (hsBqg dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I had planned on leaving with the Heaven's Gate group, but some fool
> slipped me unspiked applesauce. I ate a ton of the stuff but instead
> of dying I just got the runs. I'm curious, can I catch Halle-Bopp on
> its return? And what about the runs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, indeed, it's a marvellous day out here at the MCG. The sun is
} shining, the weather bureau is forecasting a clear day, not too hot,
} just nice and comfortable at twenty-five degrees. The Australians won
} the toss, and sent the Martians in to bat; starting off in the
} commentary box is Tim Lane, and Keith Stackpole.
}
} Tim:   Yes, thank you, Orrie; it really is a marvellous day. The
}        Martians have brought in a new batsman, Halle-Bopp, to replace
}        Marvin, who unfortunately came down with a cold. The funeral's
}        in five days, and all the fine young cricketers out there are
}        wearing black armbands to symbolize their distress.
} Keith: The Australians are bringing in their young paceman, Mark.
}        He's shown a lot of promise in the Sheffield Shield competition
}        this year, taking a superb ten wickets in both innings of his
}        last match.  It's a big step up for him, but I think he's ready
}        for it.. let's see how he goes.
} Tim:   Mark walks up to his mark, turns around, and charges in to the
}        crease.  He delivers the ball... Halle-Bopp lets it go through
}        to the keeper, who takes it cleanly. A good delivery first up on
}        this opening day.
} Keith: He's getting a bit of swing out there already, which indicates
}        this will be an interesting contest between a good batsman, and a
}        superb up-and-coming paceman. Mark comes in again, delivers a
}        good outswinger - but Halle-Bopp has picked it, swings lustily;
}        that's going to go all the way... that's six runs! An incredible
}        shot there.
} Tim:   Well, obviously Mark still has to get into his rhythm, but he
}        can't afford too many more loose deliveries like that. The
}        Australians are down one-nil in this three-Test series; they have
}        to win today, and it won't be easy. This Martian team is no
}        pushover.
} Keith: Mark bowls... Halle-Bopp swings at it, but he mistimes it...
}        it's in the air, going back towards Mark, who dives to his left..
}        and that's an INCREDIBLE catch! Halle-Bopp is out, caught and
}        bowled Mark, for six runs.
}
} (commentary fade out.)
}
} There you go. You will catch him on the return; and as for the runs,
} there'll be just six. You'll go on to a fine career in cricket,
} becoming the first Test bowler to take six hundred wickets.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed Don Bradman bat.


897-09    (8tJuc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why, when you're balling your eyes out over a guy or when you fall and
> really hurt yourself, does the person ( probably a friend ) ask, "*are
> you okay?*" ****** i mean, Does it LOOK like you're okay????******

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, the reason for this is buried deep in mankind's genetic
} code.  Given the option between rendering aid silently and asking
} inane questions, your species is hardwired to ask the question
} first, then give the needed aid.  People have a need to speak,
} and do so at every chance even if not appropriate to the situation.
} If this happens in the future, translate this immediately to "how
} can I help you", and answer appropriately.
}
} You owe the Oracle a paper contrasting and comparing the words
} "balling" and "bawling".  The Oracle was quite confused for a moment
} or two.


897-10    (5vOu8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where do I want to go today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       First, scrape last night's pizza off the front of your shirt,
}       comb your hair, finish off the diet cola you started around 3:00
}       a.m. Then, put a quart of oil your 1981 Honda Civic and drive to
}       the Quikpik and get some pecan twirls, a slim jim, and some
}       chocolate milk.
}
}       Next, drop your laundry off at your mom's before heading to the
}       "Comic Connection."  Spend 3 1/2 hours there, then go back to the
}       Quikpik and get a bag of cat litter, four bottles of diet cola,
}       popcorn, and a Stewart's Hot Sandwich (don't nuke it until you
}       get back to your apartment).
}
}       Spend the rest of the day watching Star Trek reruns in your
}       underwear.
}
}       Oh, yes, Have a Nice Day.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a Life.


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