} An extract from The Book of Words;
} Herr. Prof. Dr. Hans Von Tafelmusik writes:-
} .............lifestyle of the Common Paper Clip or to use it's
} systematic name, Forceps Papyri, is as yet not completely understood.
} Forceps P. is a very secretive creature that has always been wary of
} exposing its "true" lifestyle to the public gaze. Indeed some experts
} in the field believe that the true aim of Forceps P. is only yet coming
} into focus in its widest sense. The exposures of Area 51 sheds more
} and more light on this theory; I will deal with this material later.
} Nota Bene:
} The Class Forceps Papyri consists of two Sub-Classes; Forceps Dexterus
} Papyri and Forceps Sinistrus Papyri; However since these are mirror
} images of each other and have, as yet, not been shown to have any
} behavioural differences -a paper by Brigstock and DuMerg, J. For.
} Pap. 1975,VII,316, has been shown to be based on largely subjective
} evidencI shall apply the name Forceps P. to include both sub-classes
} and normally use in this article 'paperclips'. It should be noted
} however, that the observed proportion of Forceps Dexterus P. to
} Forceps Sinistrus P. is very large, with only minute quantities of
} "Sinistrus" ever being found. One notable paper -Dunstock, Sharma
} and Toffler, For. Pap. Letts. 1993, B, 46- has suggested, however,
} that this may be due to their better genetic selection; they may be
} better at hiding; and this possibility is being pursued by a group
} under Prof. Hoogslandre at MIT -Private Communication- and the author's
} own work in looking at a detailed aspect of this problem, is soon to
} be published in Forceps! entitled "An Underview: The Desk and it's
} Denizens" for which I would like to thank my sponsors Maglite(tm).
} Birth and Fruition
} From its underground burrow, the ore which is to form Forceps P.
} exerts it's considerable telepathic power -which it has only recently
} been proven to possess, -Calendren, Eeggloblon, Hai and Liftshaft,
} Nurture 1997, XXXI, 764- to call servants to extract and clean it,
} ready for the first of many transformations that it will undergo
} in the course of a long and complex lifetime. After the ore has
} been refined to produce what looks like "Simple Iron", but is
} in fact a complex molecular substrate capable of undergoing the
} most extreme conditions, it is then shaped to make the ordinary,
} everyday shape that we are so used to seeing, and so often using.
} These vary in size, but are commonly 20-30mm. long and 8-10mm. wide.
} Larger varieties exist, the author has an inert(so far) specimen that
} is 170mm by 46mm, but reports of ones ca. 1000mm long -Arrnie, Chaudri,
} Hrrglon, Mirklondo and Saqnoosem, Nat. Geographic 1937, April- have
} never been substantiated. They then go into a hibernation phase which
} consists of resting in small cardboard cocoons for an indeterminate
} period until they awake refreshed and again call forth servants to
} assist in their worldwide dissemination.
} In this phase they 'may' show their most pernicious and damaging
} effects to our world: rarely are these recognised as such: Who,
} for instance, would assume that "Office Managers driven to fury" had
} been forced to such by the demands -telepathic or otherwise- of their
} paperclip stockpile? It is also here that the "play" aspect of their
} development is apparent. Surely it is incredible that middle-rank
} executives (whatever those are) would, of their own free will, spend
} hours -or even days- constructing large paperclip structures -Pobble,
} Smock, Zablonsky and Zymerg, J. Adv. For. Pap. III, 447, 6- which
} have no understandable role or form. It is therefore not entirely
} surprising that many of the 'paperclips' are, at this stage, culled
} unwittingly by the servants to perform the minor-but not negligible-
} task of lulling them(the servants) into a belief that all things to do
} with the 'paperclips' are a manifestation of their will. Indeed this
} may be a form of genetic selection inherent within this species.
} Those 'paperclips' still unconstrained will now go about the business
} of confusion; they will form paperclip chains, paperclip flowers,
} paperclip Olazabals, paperclip Buckminster-fullerenes, anything to
} distract attention away from themselves and towards the persons who
} are supposedly controlling them. This should not distract us from
} the fact that in these endeavours they are still testing and learning
} the limits of their powers, powers of which the limits are to us as
} yet unknown. The final phase of the adolescent period ends with a
} display of power involving (usually)one of three options:
} (1)the "Host" leaves the nest(firm) and moves to another, taking the
} strong-willed 'paperclips' with them
} (2)the "Host" is deemed unfit and the 'paperclips' call for another
} candidate, in this case the "Host" may simply be sacked, but this is
} uncommon, usually they are either promoted or are moved aside.
} (3)the 'paperclips' may choose to engage in a kind of guerrilla
} warfare, in which they roam and create any kind of disturbance open
} to them. These tactics are known to all of us; the 'paperclip' in the
} photocopier jamming the feed; the 'paperclip' in the keyboard likewise,
} even the 'paperclip' on the chair; causing untold pain and suffering.
} This phase of life is, perhaps, the least understood of all, although
} some attempts have been made to follow the cycle through. The most
} comprehensive study of recent years has been Georg Somnolents work,
} 'A long stroll in the coils of Forceps P.' Pergamoon Press 1984, but
} even this is flawed in its short term view of the life of Forceps
} P., where Georg deals in decades, all current evidence leads us to
} believe we MUST think in centuries if not millennia if we are to
} even attempt to evaluate the threat/promise of the entity that is
} Forceps P. Other than this, regrettably negligent, monograph, the most
} recent literature with any long-term view on Forceps P. is the last
} paper of that fine scholar, Davide Dalessio -who died in a bizarre
} gardening accident- "Is it the end for all of us?", J. For. P. Theo.
} Pred, DCLXVI, XIII ,VII .He posits that the possibilities that array
} themselves are manyfold, with the aggregation of the smallscale Forceps
} P. into a larger and more aggressive form utmost in the threats, all
} the while the intuitive thrust towards domination cannot be curbed
} within any known bounds. He points out that the expansion of Forceps
} P. throughout the globe has been observed with no real comment,
} but that in many ways it is too late to stop it's worldwide growth.
} Time for mere observation is surely past, he declares and warns all
} to engage in the coming struggle. His was a minority view, but his
} untimely death came just as he was about to engage in an exhaustive
} programme of research which, he believed, would provide proof to even
} the most sceptical in the field. Let us hope it was pure coincidence
} that several Forceps Sinistrus Papyri were found close to the last
} sighting of Davide. The growth period is characterised by periods
} of apparent inactivity interspersed with short bursts of violent
} expansion. sometimes involving telepathic images of power great enough
} to cause the host to suddenly -and for no apparent reason- broadcast
} the entire contents of a cocoon all over the room they are occupying;
} thus allowing them free range to burrow into all those unfound places
} to rest, and plan the next move.
} It has been difficult to define that moment when maturity, in Forceps
} Papyri terms, is achieved, many researchers -Collon et al. For. Pap.
} Rev. B. 1987 June 317-498 is the most recent comprehensive review
} article- have attempted the task but dispute continues. The long term
} nature of the problem is self-evident but it is made more difficult
} because of the telepathic nature of Forceps P., while their known
} ability to control -or at least manipulate- the "Host" is demonstrable
} -Calendren et al. as above- the possibility has been raised that
} Forceps P. also possesses mind-reading capabilities -Setter, Wimblon
} and Wimblon, For. Pap. Letts. 1997, 1, 35- if this is the case, and
} the preliminary findings seem to suggest a strong possibility, then
} all current research will have to be reevaluted and reinterpreted.
} The consequences could reverberate around the globe for many centuries.
} What do we know of the "mature" Forceps P.? The literature is large but
} not entirely persuasive -Hagbloom and Jonput, For. Pap. Comms. 1976,
} 37, 23- suggest that the mature phase is characterised by complete
} inactivity but this would be incompatible with other observations.
} It may be that we are simply unable to perceive the changes that are
} occurring since they are over such a long timeframe. It might be that
} we are telepathically guided into thinking nothing is happening,
} if this is so it is difficult to know how to proceed! What can be
} gleaned is the fact that Forceps P. appears and disappears with great
} irregularity possibly pursuing it's role in life, which is .....What?
} Addendum: There have recently been categorised -Bialystock and
} Bloom, J. For. Pap. Tax. Digests 1996, Dec, 784- some "mutant"
} forms of Forceps P. The most common ones to have been found are:-
} Forceps Papyri Curvata, an additionally bent version, it does not
} appear to be larger but may be malformed. Forceps Papyri Elongata,
} a straightened out version which again is no larger. It has been
} proposed that this is an ordinary Forceps Papyri which has uncoiled
} to get through a small orifice, but this seems implausible unless one
} assumes that it, perhaps, just got stuck. Forceps Papyri Repleta, a
} 'paperclip' full of papers. This astonishing mutant has been reported
} only once in the field, but the sighting has been accepted by the
} Forceps Papyri Taxonomy Advisory Board and this is likely to go into
} the Field Guide to Forceps Papyri. Soon to be republished, -Forceps
} Papyri Society 706, Canary Wharf, London E6 price UKPounds700 pp24
} Who knows what the ultimate aim of Forceps P. is? We can however
} propose a few possibilities:-
} 1)What every species strives for -Expansion of Habitat
} 2)What all species aim for -Control of Environment
} 3)What many species attempt -Mastery of Fate
} 4)What few species achieve -Freedom from Predation
} 5)What no species has yet won -Supremacy over All
} With it's capability for telepathic communication, the likelihood that
} Forceps P. has BEEN in communication with other species is appearing
} certain, what will come of this is not yet apparent but the possibility
} of strife is not impossible. Whether we would be Forceps P's allies
} against the threat from another galaxy, or their prey is not yet
} known, and may be unknowable. We should not discount the theory
} proposed recently that Forceps P. either is an extra-terrestrial
} species or was influenced -even brought to full consciousness- by
} an extra-terrestrial species. This evidence is detailed (for those
} who can wade through the verbose prose) in Von Donkon's "seminal"
} paperback "They are all from somewhere else, and those that are not
} should be",Loominous Press 1996. The evidence is persuasive, the
} great 'paperclip' edifices that are built by the middle management
} executives are, even with the large magnets used, clearly unstable,
} and unusable for any constructions viable under Earth gravity. Here the
} 'paperclips' demonstrate their extra-terrestrial origins, that although
} they may have been formed on Earth there is a distinct inheritance from
} 'out theresomewhere' -Hoyle F. (many)-.These constructs made, under
} direction, by these poor dupes are good demonstrations of their lack of
} complete understanding of full Earth gravity in their adolescent phase.
} The probability that somewhere out there is a complete planet full of
} Forceps P. farming their animals whilst living out along and pleasant
} life is a thought to ponder, perhaps this is already that planet?
} or ONE of them? Not a scenario to be treasured.
} The possibilities are endless. The likelihood that we are controlled
} by Forceps Papyri is not -as yet- established perhaps if we act now, we
} will be able to do something about this threat, if not, I fear that we
} may all doomed. Indeed, the information now coming from Area 51 sheds
} a great deal of light on this matter, so I shall now paraphrase this
} new data. The most interesting information is on the strange silvery
} material found and never completely explained. This now seems to show
} many similarities to the complex molecular substrate that Forceps
} Papyri becomes on fruition. Further astonishing data coming to light
} seems to suggest that not only has much of the information has been
} known in high places but that some members of covert organisations
} have been attempting to contact Forceps P. to engage in dialogue.
} The fact that the monitored consumption of Forceps Papyri has been
} increasing exponentially while, as we all know, we are approaching
} a paperless office seems to suggest some kind of cusp. Only the
} other day, for instance, I had to go and buy a new pack of 'Jumbo'
} Forceps Papyri, I made sure that they were inert first of course,
} but I did wonder why I had bought them. Finally the last, and most
} damning piece of evidence is that of sworn testimony from a person
} who would only agree to be named as BG who admits that he is a constru