} You, humble supplicant, have had the misfortune of having your
} supplication fall upon the ears of a female incarnation. Fortunately,
} we of the gentler gender tend not to be as quick to *ZOT* as some. . .
} Women do beg men for sex. However, they tend only to ask it of worthy
} and attractive men. You obviously are not one of the chosen few. Hmm.
} Perhaps euthan*ZOT*ia would be appropriate in this case.
} But no, I mustn't. Instead, I shall share with you the Oracle's Plan
} (Patent Pending) for Becoming Worthy and Attractive in Just Five Easy
} Steps (OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent)):
} _Step 1_: Women Seldom Make Passes. . .
} First, you must become physically attractive. Hmm. . .I can see this
} is going to take some work. For your case, I recommend a good diet,
} coloured contacts, some hair dye, some minoxidil, perhaps a touch of
} makeup, definitely a good diet, a few dozen sessions of plastic
} surgery, and a few weeks--no, make that a few months--working out at
} the gym. Clearing up that complexion of yours wouldn't hurt, either.
} Nor would some electrolysis on your neck and back. A couple root
} canals, some orthodontia. . .it would be a beginning, at least.
} _Step 2_: Hygiene, Hygiene, Hygiene!
} Believe it or not, women actually prefer men who wash themselves! (Use
} *that* surprising fact in your next round of bar bets!) Soap does
} wonders. Clean clothes and neat hair help, too. Clean under your
} nails, behind your ears. . .I'd recommend you just throw your whole
} body through an automatic car wash.
} _Step 3_: Clothes Make the Man
} Your wardrobe could use some overhauling, especially given your
} new, post-Step 1 (of the OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent),
} that is) physique. *You* *must* *become* *a* *fashion* *maven*. For
} that, you're going to need more personalised help than even I can give
} you. I'd ask your social worker. Any of them.
} _Step 4_: Knowledge is Power
} Women prefer smart, cultured guys. (How do you think Orrie got Lisa?)
} This is another area in which you need lots of work. I'd recommend
} that you start by reading the Complete Works of Shakespeare, doing all
} the problems from Euclid (in the original Ancient Greek, of course),
} learning French fluently, take a couple art appreciation courses
} (enough so that you can distinguish Regence style from Regency and
} Neodadaism from Dada), spend a few seasons at the opera, write some
} poetry, and visit every continent for at least six months each. Once
} you've done that, consult Me again for more info.
} _Step 5_: He's got. . .Personality
} Oh, dear. Where shall we begin?
} I haven't enough time--and I'm immortal. That should give you a clue
} as to what a daunting task this is. I'd recommend you go have a long
} talk with your mother, and actually obey the good woman's injuctions
} for once.
} I guarantee that once you have finished this program, women will throw
} themselves at you constantly.
} You owe the Oracle all your copies of _Hustler_.