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Internet Oracularities #899

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899, 899-01, 899-02, 899-03, 899-04, 899-05, 899-06, 899-07, 899-08, 899-09, 899-10


Internet Oracularities #899    (103 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 16 Apr 1997 10:08:49 -0500 (EST)

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   899
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

899  103 votes jvBf1 2buBn 5izwd 5jzvd 4ivyg cvAl3 3izzc 9mzod 9gozj 6phwn
899   3.2 mean  2.5   3.7   3.3   3.3   3.4   2.7   3.3   3.1   3.4   3.4


899-01    (jvBf1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, mega-wise and situationally aware, please answer me this.
>
> Whither thou goest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... and three and four and *Stretch*. <Whewww> I really worked up a
} sweat on that! I guess I'd better go take a shower, since it's almost
} time for Lisa to get back.
}
} [Zadoc shuffles in on his knees]
}
} Zadoc: Master, a thousand pardons for intruding during your most
} deserved and most becoming exercise.
}
} Oracle: Yes Zadoc, what is it?
}
} Zadoc: Your greatness, a supplicant has a question and humbly needs an
} answer that only one so royal, so brilliant, so ..
}
} Oracle: Enough! Enough already! Get to the point. What's the question?
}
} Zadoc: Oh, most lofty one, who's shoes I am not worthy to lick, the
} supplicant asks, "Whither thou goest?".
}
} Oracle: I was just going to take a shower.
}
} Zadoc: Very good, most esteemed and adored master. Shall I reply that
} the great Internet Oracle is going to take a shower?
}
} Oracle: Works for me.
}
} [Zadoc begins shuffling out.]
}
} Oracle: Oh, Zadoc!
}
} [Zadoc performs a swift shuffling turn. He then bows.]
}
} Zadoc: You called me, oh great keeper of all great knowledge and
} wisdom?
}
} Oracle: Also tell the supplicant that he owes me a year's worth of
} visits from a masseuse.
}
} Zadoc: I will do this at once, my supreme ruler and most incredible and
} gracious one.
}
} [Zadoc again shuffles out]


899-02    (2buBn dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help me, oh great Oracle:
> should I go out with this (kinda nice) girl Christine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very well.  Let us examine the possibilities:
}
} 24% chance -- She won't be interested.
} 24% chance -- She will be interested.  You'll date for a few months,
}       then break up relatively peacefully.
} 17% chance -- She's taken and hasn't told you about it.
} 10% chance -- Lesbian.
} 6% chance -- She will be interested.  You'll date for a few months,
}       lose interest, and she will stalk you for a year.
} 4% chance -- She has a boyfriend who already hates you.  If you go near
}       her, you will lick asphalt.
} 4% chance -- She has seventeen net.boyfriends (and three
}       net.girlfriends).  She'll go out with you, but she has to be back
}       by 11 to meet them all on IRC.
} 3% chance -- Date.  Love.  Engaged.  Married.  Kids.  Midlife crisis.
}       Affair.  Lawsuit.  Tabloid fiasco.  Kids on Oprah.
} 2% chance -- Date.  Lust.  Grope.  Sex.  Kids.  Shotgun marriage.
}       Working at McD's for the rest of your natural life.
} 2% chance -- Date.  Lust.  Grope.  Lawsuit.
} 1% chance -- Date.  Broccoli in teeth.  No more dates.
} 1% chance -- Date.  Spilled coffee.  Lawsuit.
} 0.6% chance -- Date.  Alien abduction.  Sex.  Dissection.
} 0.5% chance -- Date.  Spontaneous human combustion.
} 0.35% chance -- Date.  Love.  Engaged.  Married.  Radiation accident.
}       Kids with three eyes and too many toes.
} 0.3% chance -- Date.  Drive-by shooting.
} 0.249% chance -- She's a he, Jim.
} 0.001% chance -- "Happily ever after."
}
} Now you know your chances.  Good luck, and have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle the probability that Lisa will come back from her
} elopement with Zadoc -- I'm getting horny and the ZOT staff is getting
} warm.


899-03    (5izwd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, why do such a lot of dweebs ask you about the Oracle software
> program? Are they idiots not to read your FAQ, or is there a darker
> meaning...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, there is a tacit, unwritten rule that people shouldn't read
} the Frequently Asked Questions.  The reason is that if people read the
} Frequently Asked Questions, they'd stop asking the Frequently Asked
} Questions, which would make the Frequently Asked Questions no longer
} frequently asked, which would make the compilers of the Frequently
} Asked Questions look foolish, and we can't have the compilers of the
} Frequent Asked Questions looking foolish, now can we?
}
} You owe the Oracle a Frequently Asked Question.


899-04    (5jzvd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Dear Oracle--
>
>      I've been thinking of starting my own business spinning straw into
>      gold.  I was wondering if you might suggest a good straw to use
>      and where I might find a supplier.
>
>      --Anonymous Princess

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear A.P., [1]
}
} My quick reference manual on straw to gold states that the best straw
} to use is ********[2]. Although if you can't find it, try using
} ******.
}
} As to suppliers, that is kind of tricky. Try these people:
}
} Straw 4 U
} **** ******** Street
} ********, ** *****   USA
}
} or:
}
} Straws R Us
} *** ********* Boulevard
} ******, ** ***** USA
}
} I hope this helps!
}
} You owe the Oracle some Golden lingerie for Lisa. ;)
}
} Sincerely,
} The Internet Oracle
}
} --------------
} Editors Notes:
} [1] You must know that no one is anonymous from the Oracle. Your real
} name and address have been forwarded to your government for tax
} purposes. We can't have people evading their taxes.
}
} [2] In the interests of the world economy, this information has been
} removed. Sorry for any inconvenience.
}
} --------------
} Oracle's response to Editor:
}
} Hey! What's the meaning of this? You can't edit my Oracularities like
} this. Put that back.
}
} --------------
} Editor's response to the Oracle's response:
}
} I am quite sorry. The information about turning straw into gold is
} quite restricted. I am afraid we can't just give that out. Remember
} what happened when we told that Midas guy about the lead to gold
} thing? Pretty scary.
}
} --------------
} Oracle's response to Editor's response to the Oacle's response:
}
} So what? I have an obligation here to answer these questions. It's
} right here in my contract: "The Internet Oracle will provide accurate
} and insightful information at all times when proper supplicant
} protocol is observed."
}
} Now put that information back in.
}
} --------------
} Editor's response to the Oracle's response to (You get the idea...)
}
} Ummm.... well.... ummmm... That question didn't follow the approved
} protocol. No grovel. Sorry. No answer.
}
} --------------
} Oracle:
}
} What's your major beef with this answer? Grovels aren't required,
} just strongly advised. She was nice enough. And anyway, she's kinda
} cute.
}
} I think I better do some checking around here.
}
} Ah ha! I knew it! You've been straw into gold yourself! How'd you
} get into my book library?
}
} That's it. You're outta here!
}
} --------------
} Editor:
}
} Hey! What are you doing? Don't point that staff ...
}
}                        <<<<<ZOT>>>>>
}
} --------------
} Oracle:
}
} There we go no more Editor to get in the way. Now back to the
} question. Straw into gold.
}
} The best kind to use....
}
} Well, you know, he was right. You really didn't grovel. And Lisa's
} cuter anyway.
}
}                        <<<<<ZOT>>>>>


899-05    (4ivyg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Howdy O Racle.  You be so groovin, you is so swell..  you be heaven and
> we all's in hell.  (ebonics grovel)
>
> What is up with women?  DO they want us me or what? What for?  Why is
> this such a cruel life!  Is there a planet where women must beg to men
> for sex? How can I get there?  Soon..
>
> Thanky O Boy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, humble supplicant, have had the misfortune of having your
} supplication fall upon the ears of a female incarnation.  Fortunately,
} we of the gentler gender tend not to be as quick to *ZOT* as some. . .
}
} Women do beg men for sex.  However, they tend only to ask it of worthy
} and attractive men.  You obviously are not one of the chosen few.  Hmm.
} Perhaps euthan*ZOT*ia would be appropriate in this case.
}
} But no, I mustn't.  Instead, I shall share with you the Oracle's Plan
} (Patent Pending) for Becoming Worthy and Attractive in Just Five Easy
} Steps (OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent)):
}
} _Step 1_: Women Seldom Make Passes. . .
}
} First, you must become physically attractive.  Hmm. . .I can see this
} is going to take some work.  For your case, I recommend a good diet,
} coloured contacts, some hair dye, some minoxidil, perhaps a touch of
} makeup, definitely a good diet, a few dozen sessions of plastic
} surgery, and a few weeks--no, make that a few months--working out at
} the gym. Clearing up that complexion of yours wouldn't hurt, either.
} Nor would some electrolysis on your neck and back.  A couple root
} canals, some orthodontia. . .it would be a beginning, at least.
}
} _Step 2_: Hygiene, Hygiene, Hygiene!
}
} Believe it or not, women actually prefer men who wash themselves!  (Use
} *that* surprising fact in your next round of bar bets!)  Soap does
} wonders.  Clean clothes and neat hair help, too.  Clean under your
} nails, behind your ears. . .I'd recommend you just throw your whole
} body through an automatic car wash.
}
} _Step 3_: Clothes Make the Man
}
} Your wardrobe could use some overhauling, especially given your
} new, post-Step 1 (of the OP(PP)BKWAJFEZS--(Note: the K is silent),
} that is) physique.  *You* *must* *become* *a* *fashion* *maven*.  For
} that, you're going to need more personalised help than even I can give
} you.  I'd ask your social worker.  Any of them.
}
} _Step 4_: Knowledge is Power
}
} Women prefer smart, cultured guys.  (How do you think Orrie got Lisa?)
} This is another area in which you need lots of work.  I'd recommend
} that you start by reading the Complete Works of Shakespeare, doing all
} the problems from Euclid (in the original Ancient Greek, of course),
} learning French fluently, take a couple art appreciation courses
} (enough so that you can distinguish Regence style from Regency and
} Neodadaism from Dada), spend a few seasons at the opera, write some
} poetry, and visit every continent for at least six months each.  Once
} you've done that, consult Me again for more info.
}
} _Step 5_: He's got. . .Personality
}
} Oh, dear.  Where shall we begin?
}
} I haven't enough time--and I'm immortal.  That should give you a clue
} as to what a daunting task this is.  I'd recommend you go have a long
} talk with your mother, and actually obey the good woman's injuctions
} for once.
}
} I guarantee that once you have finished this program, women will throw
} themselves at you constantly.
}
} You owe the Oracle all your copies of _Hustler_.


899-06    (cvAl3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Oracle, the depths of whose wisdom can barely be plumbed by the
>      most resilient of bathyscaphs, please answer one simple question
>      for this supplicant who has waited his whole life merely to smell
>      your dirty laundry, without ever hoping for more:
>
>      How many calves could have bathed in bathyscaphs if half the
>      calves had bathed in half the bathyscaphs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Such a scathingly brilliant query!
}
} Assuming that a calf is knee high to a bathyscaph, and the half life of
} soap bubbles is T - 1 / n * pi (where T, n, and pi are all random
} numbers, and * is a cool symbol to distract you) then all that remains
} is to guess whether in fact you meant a young bovine or the portion of
} the leg below the knee (see also: "shin, ouch stop kicking me") and if
} the bathyscaphs are indeed heart shaped amd fitted with jacuzzi(R)
} nozzles.
}
} In any event 1/4 of the sampled population (P) of calves (C) will be
} cleaner than those using folger's crystals (F).
}
} References:
}
} [1] C. Dung et al, "Cow chips and all that sh..aving cream", 1996.
}
} [2] L. JaCuzzi, "Soapy soapy soapy, yeah (momma)", 1978.
}
} [3] Jacques Cousteau, "Rub a dub dub, three men in a bathyscaph", 1962.
}
} [4] (Mrs.) Irina Olsen, "Folger's: Mountain Grown Woodchuck Soup",
} 1978.


899-07    (3izzc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get up, step away from the computer.  Go outside.  Feel the wind on
} your face, the sun on your back.  It's a beautiful spring day. (The
} Oracle assumes you're in the northern hemishere.) See that bird flying
} overhead?  Isn't it pretty?  Now wipe off that mess it dropped on your
} face.  That's Life.
}
} You owe the Oracle a clean car, because that *&%$!!! bird got me as
} well.


899-08    (9mzod dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh great and wondrous Oracle, whose knowledge outshines even the
> brightest stars, please tell this humble supplicant:
>
>       Why is it that I get graced with spending 6-7 hours a day talking
> to computer illiterates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because computer illiterates don't know how to use e-mail. *That's* why
} you're talking to them.
}
} You owe The Oracle 16 MB EDO RAM.


899-09    (9gozj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose 28.8 modem always connects at 33.6, please tell
> me how US Robotics can squeeze all those bits of data through my crumby
> voice-grade phone lines at such whistling speed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I called their public relations, and they said simply (quote):
}
} "EEEEEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAA KHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
}
} (endquote)


899-10    (6phwn dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wondrous Oracle whose boots I am unworthy to polish,
> please answer this question which has upset my peace of mind
>
> do cows look at trains?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Marlin Perkins here, for Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.  Today we go
} to the Texas plains to answer the age old question, "do cows look at
} trains?"  But first, a word from our sponsor, Mutual of Omaha.
}
} Do you think you are going to die someday?  Do you have family and
} friends who depend on your income?  Would you like to send us great
} sums of money, knowing that we'll do our best to get out of giving any
} of it back?  Then you should buy a Mutual of Omaha Whole Life policy.
}
} "Why is it called 'Whole Life', Marlin?"
}
} Glad you asked, Jim.  It's called Whole Life because you pay it for
} your whole life, then you die.
}
} "That's great Marlin!  I'll buy one right now."
}
} Great Jim, just put "Marlin Perkins" down where it says beneficiary.
}
} And now back to today's show.
}
} While we're sitting here in the shade with a keg of Coors, Jim has put
} on his train costume, and his walking down the track.  Today he's
} dressed as the Santa Fe Super Chief, which is odd, considering that
} this is a Southern Pacific track, but maybe the cows won't notice.
}
} "Hey cows!  Look at me!  Come on, look at me!  Toot!  Toot!  I said
} TOOT!"
}
} It doesn't appear that the cows are looking at Jim.  But you can look
} out for the needs of your family with a Mutual of Omaha Life insurance
} policy. Just call your Mutual of Omaha agent today.
}
} The cows still don't seem to be looking at Jim.  Uh-oh, here comes the
} 5:15 Southern Pacific Western Emperor, out of Abilene.  Jim!  Look out
} Jim!
}
} "Moo!  What's that Marlin?  Oh s<beep>!  HELP!"  <HOOOT!  HOOOT!
} HOOOT!> <CRUNCH!>
}
} Oh my!  Jim and his Super Chief costume have been completely flattened.
}  And now the cows are gathering around the train track, looking at what
} is left of Jim.  Good thing he bought a Mutual of Omaha Life Insurance
} policy, and made me the beneficiary.
}
} So that answers our question:  cows don't look at trains, but they like
} to look at train wrecks.  This is Marlin Perkins, for Mutual of Omaha's
} Wild Kingdom.  We'll be back next week with another adventure, and
} another Jim.


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