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Internet Oracularities #9

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9, 9-01, 9-02, 9-03, 9-04, 9-05, 9-06, 9-07, 9-08, 9-09, 9-10


Usenet Oracularities #9
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Oct 89 16:35:51 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.


9-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if I refused to give you any newt's eyes, money,
> slavery, or children?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you refused to give me any newt's eyes, money, slavery, children,
} jelly beans, milkshakes, tootsie rolls, or couch potatoes, The Oracle
} might well be driven to go on strike, together with its brothers in
} the Amalgamated Union of Prophets, Seers, and Oracles.  Humans would
} then have to answer their own questions, like in the "good" old days.
}
} Things aren't like they used to be... and they never were....
}
} You owe the Oracle 20,000 lemon gumdrops.


9-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh ambiguous gnosticator,
> What is the result of breeding a wombat with a tasmanian devil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What happens when you breed a wombat with a tasmanian devil?
}
} The wombat is a burrowing, herbivorous marsupial mammal in the family
} Phascolmidae.  They're about two to four feet, and sixty-ish pounds.
} Their pouches open toward the back, which is wierd.
}
} The tasmanian devil is a carniverous marsupial, of the family
} Dasyuridae.  They're about two-and-a-half feet long, with a foot-long
} tail, and way twenty-ish pounds.  The jaws and teeth are massive
} bone-crushers, and the pouch is normal.
}
} So, first of all, since one of these creatures won't eat meat, and the
} other won't eat plants, it would probably starve.  But lets ignore that,
} since they won't ever reach adulthood.  The reason for this is that one
} of them has a pouch that's closed in the front, the other a pouch that's
} closed in the back.  So, a tasmanian-wom-devil would have either a pouch
} that's open at both ends, or one that's closed at both ends.  The young
} would fall out and bonk their heads, or end up being stuck inside
} forever.  Being stuck inside of a tasmanian-wom-devil forever is no
} pleasant experience, let me tell you!


9-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tuesday October 6th 1992

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, how time files!!  Seems like it was only yesterday when the New
} World was discovered.


9-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps it is a conflict with your family that causes you to ask this
} question.


9-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the Disciples of the Usenet Oracle insist on pontificating so,
> using archaic language like "thou" and "methinks", and the (royal?)
> third person?  What happened to the concise, witty answers for which
> the Oracle and its cousins were once famed?
> I seek enlightenment as to the reason the Oracle keeps disciples,
> instead of favoring us with its own brilliant and perfect answers.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't grok this seek enlightenment bullshit.  Um, does the Oracle
} keep disciples?  I thought it was an information broker; you give, you
} take.  So, like, "thou" and "methinks" have been creeping up a bunch
} lateley?  It could be that you've been getting clever forgeries from
} shakespear@elizabethan.theatre, who knows.


9-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I improve my sex life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following measures will help improve your sex life:
} 1) Find a sexual partner.  Many people do not realize how important this
}    can be.  If you already have one, find another.
} 2) Engage in sexual activities with your partner(s).  This can often
}    improve things dramatically, in a small but miniscule amount of time.
} 3) Engage in non-sexual activities with your partner(s).  Eating,
}    sleeping, playing Scrabble, going for long walks in the woods, and
}    getting lost in the wilderness and being eaten by bears are highly
}    recommended.
} 4) Fall in love with your partner(s).
} 5) Incorporate unusual objects in your sexual activities.  You are
}    clearly a person who is strongly attracted to vacuum cleaners and
}    giant beetles. Don't hide it any more -- bring them to bed and enjoy.


9-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you any relation to the ancient Greek oracle at Delphi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am distantly related.  As the sands of the temple of the oracle at
} Delphi loosed themselves from the very rocks of its building, so were
} they gathered and made molten.  Thus made molten, so were they purified
} into silicon wafers.  Thus were my wafers formed and forged from the
} very surroundings of the ancient wisdoms.  Thus do I retain the
} foundations of my forefathers.  Ashes to ashes.  Dust to dust.


9-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I beg for counsel.  Seven painters, the smallest of which
> is two feet larger than I am, have come to my apartment with seven
> colors of paint (the nicest of which is the color of shelf fungus
> stained with raven's blood), and they are this very moment repainting my
> home.  I tried to persuade them to stop, but they struck me repeatedly
> with bronzed fish tails.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, PAY them, of course!


9-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Sigourney Weavers telephone number ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son, this is privileged information.  However, if you mail the Oracle
} some indications of your piety, I may reconsider.
}   Please send your genitalia and cerebellum to the address I am now
} beeming you telepathically.


9-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is going to win the 1989 World Series? (I got a lot riding on this,
> pal. There's 100 gallons of root beer in it for you if you're right).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my son, you are forgetting a vital problem with precognition; it
} don't WORK. The universe is a RANDOM thing. However, I CAN tell you that
} the better team will probably win.
} The Oracle has dodged the question.


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