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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:38:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #90

Goto:
90, 90-01, 90-02, 90-03, 90-04, 90-05, 90-06, 90-07, 90-08, 90-09, 90-10


Usenet Oracularities #90
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 3 Jan 90 17:10:35 GMT

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90-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Long long ago, in the old days when You just had started posting Your
> collected Wisdom to rec.humor (i.e.  in October -89), most of Your
> answers ended with a request for some fee ("You owe the Oracle a ...").
> In those days, the fee was almost always a quantity of one of the
> following substances:
>
> Newts' eyes
> Children
> Root beer.
>
> Later, You stopped asking for these, asking instead for various weird
> sexual services.  Now, You hardly ever ask for any fee.
>
> Why is that so?  And why don't You need any root beer any more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Recently at Oracle Inc.  we had a severe budget crisis where my staff
} had some cost overruns in the areas mentioned:
}
}   Newts' eyes are required to feed the managers
}   Children are required to feed the accountants
}   Root beer is required for my marvelous ability to answer questions
}
} In order to make up for this we raised our normal price from one year of
} your life to "one year of your life plus a premium." Since everyone
} knows that every question sent to the oracle removes a single year from
} the sender's life expectancy it's not included in the invoice at the end
} of the message.
}
} After the budget crisis was ended many of the oh-so-clever programmers
} in the messaging department began including invoices for things not
} necessarily required by the company, such as obscure sexual acts and
} trinkets.
}
} These programmers are being terminated and new ones are being hired.
}
} To keep the budget crisis from happening again questions that require
} extra effort or research are given an extra cost, invoiced at the end as
} usual.
}
} You owe the oracle a bean-counter's cookbook.


90-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I owe my loan-shark $7500.  Three ogre-shaped goons came over and told
> me they'd rearrange my cassette tape collection if I didn't pay it.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Number your cassettes before it's too late!


90-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did I have such a lousy time this New Year's Eve?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The First World industrial complex through its lakney dog the media and
} advertising agencies, force the ordinary poletariat to feel inadequate
} unless he/she is living a life accesable only to the privaledged few
} (the first against the wall when the revolution comes brother).  Part of
} the act that common people are forced to strive for is the drunken
} humiliating celebration that accompanies every holiday; when time is
} better spent in quiet contemplation of the virtues of self and others.
}
} Grab your AK-47 comrade, and together we will create the new society!


90-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh my ears and whiskers, what sacrifice is appropriate to appease this
> cough-demon lodged in my throat ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah!  Finally, something interesting!  I was getting really bored of
} annswering all the feckless meanderings of obsequious mortal peasant
} users, especially the low-life morons who merely ask "Why?" and expect a
} complete answer to all the questions that life and the universe will
} ever pose.  Sometimes I abuse them, sometimes I send no answer,
} sometimes I just say "42".
}
} It has been a long time since the Oracle received a question of medical
} nature.
}
} Now, then, let me have a look at you...  hmmmm...  hmmmm....  you appear
} to have a small badger and a credit card receipt stuck in your throat.
} The badger has died and almost completely decomposed, leaving an ugly
} mess on the back of your throat, which has been sealed on by the soggy
} receipt.
}
} I can recommend:  1) Stay away from badgers in the future...  you're
} lucky you got a small one this time; 2) Destroy your credit cards, or
} stop eating the receipts; 3) Drink a shot of Southern Comfort.
}
} If you want a sure-fire, 100% method, then the Oracle requires you to
} sacrifice all of the nerve endings from your collarbone to your mouth.
}
} Furthermore, the Oracle demands eleven pounds of oregano, for the answer
} of your question, and a kilogram of yeast for each of the next three
} (never you mind what I'm making...  it's an Oracular Delicacy that you
} humans could never appreciate).


90-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OK, I've put the dragon on the CD player and rotated the bed so that my
> head is pointing East when I'm asleep, and I checked on all the
> astrological signs and make sure I go to bed at 7:14 or 8:12 each night,
> but I still got sick today.  What did I do wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give up your avoidance of fun,
} And maximum hours in the sun!
}       The source of no good,
}       Might be lack of a hood...
} (Refer Duet. twenty-three, verse one.)


90-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Is there anything you DON'T know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have no clue why my bread tastes flat
} or why my otter is now a cat,
} or where the seashells go at night,
} or what make snowflakes so square and white,
} or why the truth of woodchuck wood
} would do you mortals any good.


90-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
> If I were to ask you the following question:
>
>       Dear Oracle,
>       If I were to ask you the following question:
>
>               Dear Oracle,
>               If I were to ask you the following question:
>
>                       Dear Oracle,
>                       If I were to ask you the following question:
>
> [intervening lines removed to save net.bandwidth, but you get the idea]
>
>                       what would you answer?
>
>               what would you answer?
>
>       what would you answer?
>
> what would you answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get some rest.


90-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> In answer to my last question, you wrote (among other interesting things
> that, however, are irrelevant to this inquiry):
>
> } Since everyone knows that every question sent to the oracle removes a
> } single year from the sender's life expectancy it's not included in the
> } invoice at the end of the message.
>
> Since this is my two hundred and twenty-first question to you, my life
> expectancy should now be about -197 years.  Yet I'm still alive and
> kicking.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're forgetting something important.
}
} Those years are subtracted from all your lives:  past, present, future.
}
} You're on your fourth life and you've got quite a few more to go.  Each
} time you reincarnate, however, you come back as the thing you hate most.
} These years as distributed over the hundred or so lives that you will
} have before you acheive the state of "non-hate."
}
} This insight into the fabric of the universe is gonna cost you, buddy.
}
} You owe the oracle a set of fuzzy dice with air freshener.


90-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my boss paranoid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you self-employed, my son?


90-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I don't know what I want, how will I know when I get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One day, your entire life will seem different.  All the problems that
} loomed at the horizon, dark and menacing, will be reduced to minor
} trifles.  All your feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and unfulfilled
} yearning will be gone.  You'll want to burst out singing, dance in the
} streets and forgive your enemies.  You'll even want to embrace and
} forgive the meter-maids.
}
} When this occurs, you'll know that one of the following has occured:
}
} 1. You have found what you wanted.
} 2. You have fallen in love.
} 3. There was something funny with that last cigarette you smoked.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}
} in case 1: What the Oracle wants.
} in case 2: Your ex-SO.
} in case 3: The rest of those cigarettes.


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