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Internet Oracularities #900

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900, 900-01, 900-02, 900-03, 900-04, 900-05, 900-06, 900-07, 900-08, 900-09, 900-10


Internet Oracularities #900    (99 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Apr 1997 11:06:25 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   900
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

900   99 votes apmvb 9zDa6 58gwC 4tzq5 6bott depno 5oOe6 5gIu4 5rorg 9cnrs
900   3.2 mean  3.1   2.7   3.9   3.0   3.6   3.3   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.5


900-01    (apmvb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> T=94m=94 on useassa osassa l=94hetett=94v=94 MIME-muodossa oleva
> viesti.
>
> ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=3DISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>
> how many kilometers is from kokkola to helsinki
> ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00
> Content-Type: text/html; charset=3DISO-8859-1
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
>
> <html><head></head><BODY bgcolor=3D3D"#FFFFFF"><p><font size=3D3D2 =3D
> color=3D3D"#0000FF" face=3D3D"Arial">how many kilometers is from
> kokkola to helsinki</p>
> </font></body></html>
> ------=3D_NextPart_000_01BC4746.875F8C00--

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} how many kilometers is from Kokkola to Helsinki
}
} From Kokkola to Helsinki is a very bumpy ride, When you travel in
} a stagecoach, and you're bundled up inside.  First the cold gets to
} your tootsies, and your ankles turn dark black 'Cause the blood that
} once went round there is a-never coming back Then your fingers lose
} their feeling, and the nails get thick and yellow, And you only get
} to 'sinki if you are a lucky fellow.  As the food runs out or freezes,
} you forgot to bring the matches, So you start to watch the eggs in hope
} that one of them soon hatches.  The water bottle's empty, cause the
} lid began to leak, It's been losing drips of water since the middle
} of last week.  And you're not sure why you're going, or what you're
} going to do Since you left the sweet safe haven of ammattikorkeakoulu
} (Which, for the poor priest reading, to relieve your laryngitis Is
} the Finnish word they use for Polytechnic, to confuse us) But since
} you died of frostbite, I think I've had my fun, The distance from
} Kokkola to Helsinki - 491.
}
} You owe the Oracle a text-based newsreader, a proper email program,
} and a bookmark for http://home.magic.fi/demo/matkat.lpc


900-02    (9zDa6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most capricious,
>
> How many boards could a Mongol Horde hoard if a Mongol Horde got bored?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Horse trampled my yurt,
}     But I did not chuck the wood;
}     It will make fine shelves.
}
} (attributed to Zippy, Genghis's younger brother, ca 1190)
}
} You owe the Oracle a sestina about scissors.


900-03    (58gwC dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Voiceover: You braved a twister.
>
> [two-second clip from the movie of that name]
>
> Voiceover: You endured volcanoes.
>
> [two-second clip of a volcano exploding]
>
> Voiceover: You even survived a direct asteroid hit.
>
> [two-second clip from the NBC movie Asteroid]
>
> Voiceover: Now, get ready for the biggest one of them all.
>
> [shot of the kitchen in a small Midwestern house at dinnertime, with the
> window visible in the shot.  People looking slightly anxious about
> something.  Suddenly lightning flashes and thunder cracks.  Rain begins
> drizzling, then quickly builds into a deluge.  Screams from members of
> the household, with the occasional "Get into the basement!" and "What
> about Grandma?"]
>
> Voiceover: The disaster to end all disasters.
>
> [More mayhem in the small house.  Cut to outside of the house, rain
> pouring down, thunder and lightning crashing.]
>
> Voiceover: Barricade the windows.  Lock and triple-bar the doors.  Hide
> if you dare.
>
> [Gradually fade to black amidst screams.]
>
> Voiceover (during fade): An NBC original event.  World Premiere coming
> May 24th.  You'll never be ready for...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Windows 97.


900-04    (4tzq5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how to destroy linux operating system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lysol (tm) should do the trick.
}
} No, not on the monitor, silly!  Linux infests your hard drive.  You
} need to take the drive apart (I recommend disconnecting the power
} first), spray the surfaces liberally with Lysol, and put it back
} together again.  Don't worry about those leftover screws - they weren't
} very important to begin with. And voila!  No more Linux.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.  He still has a few bugs in his
} programs.


900-05    (6bott dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is my SMTP server up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you're just glad to see me.


900-06    (depno dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORRIE! Ya gotta help me, man! They're outside, scratching at the
> walls! OH NO, they're in! Millions of 'em! GIANT PURPLE WOODCHUCKS!
> Keep away from me, you FIENDS! No! NOT THE EYES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> --------------
>
> Dear Mr Oracle,
>
> The patient, Mr X, is now resting under heavy sedation. This is
> the eighth case of incarnation psychosis syndrome admitted to this
> clinic. It appears that the strain of having to give clever, witty
> responses to moronic questions on your behalf, and then not having
> those responses published in the digests, is too much for most
> people to bear for prolonged periods of time. Mr X performed as an
> incarnation for two and a half years before degenerating into the
> mental wreck he is today.
>
> We are asking you to voluntariy curb your activities and so avoid
> the danger of an epidemic. Otherwise we will be forced to contact
> the Department of Health. We hope it will not come to this.
>
> Your sincerely
> Ignatius Woojub
> Clinical Psychologist

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PROSECUTOR: Good day, O Mighty Oracle! The crown will plainly show
} The prisoner who now stands before you
} Was caught red-handed showing humor;
} Showing humor of a most ... creative nature
} This will not do!
}
} Call the defendant's sysadmin!
}
} SYSADMIN: ! @l\/\/ayz $@!d hE'D c0mE t0 N() Go0d !|\| tHE e!\!d yur
} h0NoR !f th@id lEt !\/|e h@vE mY \/\/@y ! c0uldve $p@m|\/!ed h!|\/|
} !nt0 $h@pe bUtt |\/|y h@ndz \/\/err t!ed
} tHE 0r@Cul@R pReE$tho0d \/\/eNT @nd d!gesTEd h!z hum0uR
} lET mE m@ilb0mb h!m t0d@y
}
} Crazy ...
} Dust in my hard drive, I am
} Crazy ...
} Not surge protected
} They must have taken my P-RAM away!
}
} Call the defendant's girlfriend!
}
} You net.addict, you're in it now,
} I hope they uphold CDA
} You should've talked to me more often than you did, but NO!
} You had your Incarnations
} Have you gotten any digests lately?
} Just five minutes, mighty Oracle,
} Him and me alone!
}
} Call the defendant's mother!
}
} Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby
} alt.cute.pictures.baby, alt.sex.hold.you.in.my.arms
} sci.psych.mother.never.wanted.you,
} rec.fan.rodman.trouble.spank.spank.spank talk.why.ever.leave,
} rec.fan.movies.coming.home
}
} Crazy ...
} AOL user, I am
} Crazy ...
} Canter & Siegel
} There must've been an off switch on this box when I logged in!
}
} The omnipotent Oracle is without the slightest doubt
} There's no need to consult my boundless mind
} In all my years eternal I have never seen before
} Someone more deserving of a dump throughout their core
} The way you incarnated with replies so lowly rated
} Fills me with an urge to vaporize!
} <No! Don't zot him!>
} Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest pain
} I sentence you to be entombed below its grain
} Chuck down the wood!
} Chuck down the wood!
} Chuck down the wood!
} <The chanting continues as a herd of woodchucks bury the supplicant
} alive under a mighty pile of two-by-fours.>
}
} SUPPLICANT: Press any key to continue ...  press any key to continue
}
} SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN <sponging off Supplicant's forehead>: He's coming
} around!
}
} SUPPLICANT: Oh, what a horrible dream.
}
} SUPPLICANT'S GIRLFRIEND: Now, now. We often dream silly things.
}
} SUPPLICANT'S MOTHER: Yes, lie quietly now.
}
} SUPPLICANT: But it was so real! And you, and you ... and you were in it
} too! But it wasn't real, was it?
}
} SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN: n0 W@y, d00D!
}
} SUPPLICANT: What?
}
} SUPPLICANT'S SYSADMIN: I mean, no, of course not.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sequel.


900-07    (5oOe6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and obscure one, please tell me ......
>
> As the century draws to a close there appears to be an undercurrent of
> paranoia within society as a whole.  I realise that time is an abstract
> concept and that from your deified perspective the last few million
> years of human evolution is a mere trip to the toilet (quite
> literally), however I am dragged along with the mob.  I too feel this
> disquieting sense of dread.  Great one, what is going to happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmmm, this one again. Well, if I must.
}
}      The Earth will continue to revolve around the Sun. The Sun will
} continue to orbit the center of the Galaxy, although a certain
} ir-regularity in it's speed of orbit will cause it to leave the spiral
} arm in which it is currently ensconced in a few tens of millions of
} years (it's moving a bit slower than the rest of the arm, due to the
} oddities of it's original creation).
}
}      In 4 billion years or so, the Sun will go Red Giant, expanding to
} fill the current orbit of the Earth, burning your lovely little ball of
} dust into a crisp. Relax, though, your descendants will be cheerily
} sunning what remains of their corporeal selves on a planet several
} light years from there and will probably throw a party timed to
} coincide with the arrival of the burst of light that will be the
} Earth's last whimper.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a space-time continuum in which country songs
} will only play backward.


900-08    (5gIu4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, O Oracle of the nearly 999 Digests, what will be the resolution of
> the Digest 1000 problem?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You have apparently heard the rumors that the Oracle's code was
} written in LOGO and stored Digest Numbers as three digits, and that no
} one worried about this at the time because everyone knew it would all
} be fixed before anyone had to worry about Digest 1000, and now Indiana
} University is scrambling around looking for CS majors who studied LOGO
} in kindergarten, and chain e-mail letters are circulating warning
} supplicants not to ask questions near the time of the changeover, or
} even to use an ATM machine or fly on a plane, because computers all
} over the world will commit hara-kiri in sympathy when the almighty
} Oracle crashes.  Some particularly clueless persons think that the fact
} that Digest 1000 is a leap digest will contribute to this.
}       The Oracle is happy to tell you that there is no problem.  On
} some primitive systems (like yours) the Digest number will roll over to
} 001, but that won't matter, since I'll know which one is which (I know
} everything).  It's no different from rolling over the odometer on your
} car.  However, when it happens you'll be expected to get out and push
} the Oracle a mile.  That's tradition.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a cross-stitch sampler of the
} alt.folklore.computers FAQ.


900-09    (5rorg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who invented the oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A long, long time ago,
} I can still remember how that Kinzler used to quickly type.
} And I knew if I had more bytes
} that I could end these silly fights and maybe
} there'd be world peace, for a while.
} But the endless September made me cranky,
} with every "askme" and no thanky;
} woodchucks and no grovel,
} the Temple seemed a hovel.
} I can't remember all my shock when I
} realized the words were schlock,
} but something gave me writer's block,
} the day I met Zadoc.
} I started singin'
}
} "Tell", "tell", I'm in Oracle Hell,
} Incarnated as a faded overrated dumbbell.
} Them good old priests are picking answers that smell,
} Singin' "They'll adore this Digest so well;
} They'll adore this Digest so well..."


900-10    (9cnrs dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What light from yonder windows breaks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: The Oracles Throne Room
} ------------------------------
}
} Oracle  : Zadoc! Hoi, Zadoc! Oh damn, he's not here any more, is he?
}           Darkmage! DARKMAGE!
}
} Darkmage: You shouted, O Really Clever One?
}
} Oracle  : Somehow it's just not the same. *sigh*  Fetch me the
}           Shakespeare, would you?
}
} Darkmage: Err... The _Shakespeare_?
}
} Oracle  : Yes. I'm going to write a rib-tickling parody of the balcony
}           scene from Romeo and Juliet, with dryly witty barbs at MS
}           Windows.
}
} Darkmage: The _Big_ Shakespeare?
}
} Oracle  : Yes!
}
} Darkmage: The Big, Complete Shakespeare?
}
} Oracle  : YES!
}
} Darkmage: Ahh, mmm, well you see, I... That is to say we... We being
}           the priesthood... All of us together at the same time and not
}           any one individual... You see, there was this incident...
}           more of an accident, really... a freak occurrence, million to
}           one chance... We were in the Library... all of us, it should
}           be made clear, and not anybody on their own, and -
}
} Oracle  : Cut to the chase, Darkmage. Now.
}
} Darkmage: Custard, sir.
}
} Oracle  : Custard?
}
} Darkmage: Lots of it.
}
} Oracle  : How much, exactly?
}
} Darkmage: Mmmm... well, potentially an infinite amount, Your
}           Mercifulness. You see, _someone_ was over by the spellbooks
}           and felt hungry, and _somebody else_ jogged their arm at an
}           important moment, not because anyone was playing tag in the
}           Library or anything, they were just walking past, and -
}
} Oracle  : Alright! How long have we got?
}
} Darkmage: About twenty minutes, sir. If the Library doorseals hold.
}
} Oracle  : And when exactly were you planning on telling me about this
}           little... problem?
}
} Darkmage: In about fifteen minutes, O Benevolent and Forgiving Master.
}
} Oracle  : Terror seems to bring out the groveller in you, Darkmage. I
}           must remember that. Right! I'll need a dried, six-armed
}           starfish; a silver pentagram; a piece of grass from Sunken
}           R'lyeh where Great Cthulhu sleeps and dreams of... well, of
}           Chip'n'Dale actually, but that's not relevant; the blood of a
}           Lummox; and my Incantating Hat.
}
} Darkmage: W-w-where can I find such things, O Terrible and Mysterious
} One?
}
} Oracle  : Check the study. It should all be filed under,
}           "Miscellaneous", except for the hat which is on the hook on
}           the back of the door.
}
} Darkmage: At once, Your Most Puissant One! <scuttles off>
}
} Oracle  : I'm dreadfully sorry, Supplicant, but we're experiencing...
}           ah... a few small technical difficulties. Normal service will
}           be resumed as soon as poss-
}
} <The Oracle disappears under a thundering torrent of bright yellow
} ooze, then reappears, dangling from the chandelier as custard roars
} past beneath>
}
} Oracle: Aaak! DARKMAGE!!!
}
} <Curtain - Fade to black...>
}
} You owe the Oracle a Chief Priest to keep these stooges in line.
} Zadoc, Zadoc, wherefore art thou, Zadoc?


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