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Internet Oracularities #901

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901, 901-01, 901-02, 901-03, 901-04, 901-05, 901-06, 901-07, 901-08, 901-09, 901-10


Internet Oracularities #901    (106 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 1997 07:46:30 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   901
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

901  106 votes eqAm8 iDye1 jqukb 5sqxe 6lvye 4giFr 2ctFm 6oDpc fHBa1 3lBve
901   3.1 mean  2.8   2.4   2.8   3.2   3.3   3.7   3.7   3.1   2.4   3.3


901-01    (eqAm8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will someone ask the oracle a question about ice skating?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, since Tonya Harding took my suggestion literally, without
} any sense of humor at all, the World Skating Federation has asked
} that I honor a self-imposed ban on ice skating questions.
}
} Therefore, I can't even answer your question.  Enjoy the queue!


901-02    (iDye1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> just a hint, that's all, I can guess the rest:
>
> How many ways are there of becoming a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well if you want just a hint,
}
} a random generated number, a cucumber, a penis, a wild monkey.


901-03    (jqukb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between Tom Lehrer and
> Gilbert and Sullivan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surprisingly little, really. McNeil & Lehrer together wrote some of the
} greatest musicals in television history. For example, there is this
} song from "The Pirates of PBS"
}
} LEHRER: Yes, yes, I am a t.v. personality!
} SAMUEL: For he is t.v. personality!
} ALL:    He is! Hurrah for the t.v. personality!
} LEHRER: And it is, it is a glorious thing
}         To be a t.v. personality!
} ALL:    It is! Hurrah for the t.v. personality!
}         Hurrah for the t.v. personality!
}
} SONG
}         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality,
}         I've information vegetable, animal, and political,
}         I know the Leader of the Senate and I quote him quite
}         liberally, With biased views and quotes taken out of
}         contextual;
}         I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters scientifical,
}         I understand global warming, even when it's unsupportable,
}         About ozone thinning, and rain forest loss deplorable,
}         With many cheerful facts from Al Gore unsupportable.
}
} ALL:    With many cheerful facts, etc.
}
} LEHRER: I'm very good at reporting events in Bosnia,
}         I know the names of every State Department fella,
}         In sort, in matters vegetable, animal and politically,
}         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality.
}
} ALL:    In short, in matters vegetable, animal and poitically,
}         He is the very model of a modern t.v. personality.
}
} LEHRER: I know that Clinton's lying, but I believe his personality,
}         I ignore the facts and treat him very liberally.
}         I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Newt and his cronies,
}         And ignore the White House full of criminals and phonies
}
}         I can't tell the difference between a Mauser and a javelin,
}         But Sarah Brady's welcome to come on and start slaverin'
}         But still, in matters vegetable, animal and politically,
}         I am the very model of a modern t.v. personality.
}
} ALL:    But still, in matters vegetable, animal and politically,
}         He is the very model of a modern t.v. personality.
}
} LEHRER: And now that I have introduced myself, I should like to have
}         some idea of what's going on.
}
} You owe the Oracle the libretto to McNeil & Lehrer's musical
} "Arkansas!"


901-04    (5sqxe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, he of the ShockWave Antidefamation League, tell me...
>
> Why is it that you're a Mac user? Don't you know that Apple's going out
> of business, a fast Mac can't beat a slow PC in anything except a
> dropping contest, and Bill Gates is the second coming of Beavis Christ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Response Error
} Abort, Cancel, Retry?


901-05    (6lvye dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mathematically magnificant Oracle, if you could but answer this one
> question this supplicant whose brain is merely a festering pimple on
> the inside of his skull, worth less than the imaginary number i, then
> all three of his functioning brain cells would be overcome with
> gratitude...
>
> If a train left Chicago at 5:30 pm central standard time and headed
> east at 60 mph, and another train left Boston heading west at 100 kph
> at 7:45pm daylight saving time on the same day... would the socialist
> revolution have succeeded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but only if the trains are from Amtrak.
}
} Amtrak created easy, cheap cross country travel.
} Cheap travel led to business trips away from home.
} Working away from home led to telecommuting.
} Telecommuting led to frequent computer use.
} Frequent computer usage led to carpal tunnel syndrome.
} CTS leads to higher insurance premiums.
} High insurance premiums led to a lack of quality health care.
} A lack of good health care leads to socialized medicine.
} Socialized medicine leads to other programs.
} Too many socialized programs leads to a Socialist Revolution.
}
} For the good of your country, please take a car!
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Travel Scrabble.


901-06    (4giFr dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> fresh water! whay can be better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is very impressive, Jesus. Now turn it back into wine
} before the guests arrive.
}
} You owe the Oracle the ability to heal water and walk on the sick.


901-07    (2ctFm dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.lucent.com (Scott Forbes)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supercalifragiliciousexpialligocious Oracle, who is so brilliant
> that he probably can tell me how to correctly spell that word,
>
> While reading Digest 898, I couldn't help but notice, embedded inside
> #898-09, the following:
>
> [Steve: the
>
> Just two insignifigant words. However, they speak volumes, don't they?
> I can make an educated guess that "Steve" is probably Oracular Priest
> Kinzler. Now, who would make a request to Steve Kinzler and then get
> cut off after typing only two words? More importantly, why did this
> aborted message show up in #898-09?
>
> I believe I can form a hypothesis. A supplicant had angered you. It
> doesn't matter what he did (although I do have an interesting guess.
> See below.) In retaliation, you embedded him forever inside Question
> #898-09! Apparently his crime was quite heinous. Instead of mercifully
> ZOTing him, you forced him to read a question (about, of all things,
> null questions) for eternity! (Maybe the subject matter of #898-09 had
> something to the supplicant's crime? An ironic punishment like this one
> seems somehow fitting, if the supplicant in question did indeed bombard
> you with endless null questions!)
>
> However, the supplicant, the tortuous walls of Question #898-09 closing
> in around him, was able to cry for help. Apparently believing that
> Kinzler would help him, he attempted to send Priest Kinzler a message.
> Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately,) he had hardly gotten two words
> out when the walls of Question #898-09 snapped shut forever, and he
> was forced to live for all eternity with a question asked by one of
> the poor supplicants who recieved one of his null questions! A fitting
> end!
>
> Then again, it might have been a typo. What do I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's what you know:
}
} 1. The corn flakes are in the cabinet above the refrigerator.
} 2. The car keys are hanging on a hook next to the front door.
} 3. Get in the left lane as soon as possible after the Oak Street
}    intersection.
} 4. Advance the rubber date three days if today is Monday, one day
}    otherwise.
} 5. The illustration showing which way to insert the dollar bill into the
}    vending machine is upside down.
} 6. Lite FM always plays that annoying Celine Dion song at 3:06 PM, so
}    that's a good time to take a coffee break.
} 7. Check the order twice after leaving the McDonald's drive-thru window.
} 8. Over-the-air channel 13 is cable channel 14.
} 9. Garbage goes out to the curb Monday and Thursday nights.
} 10. Don't swallow the Listerine.
} 11. Check to make sure the alarm is set before going to sleep.
}
} A short list, true, but enough to get you through the day.
}
} [Steve: the supplicants I've trapped in the questions are going to have
} to be watched more closely.  And make sure this supplicant gets trapped
} in 906-04, please.]


901-08    (6oDpc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle,
> Most Wise--
> Triumphant--
> Tell me, I Beseech Thee:
>
> What is Virtue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I love the old questions.
}
} Well, actually, that's not strictly true. I used to love the old
} questions. A long time ago. A long, long time ago.
}
} Aw, the heck with it, I'll just z-
}
} - ORACLE! STAY YOUR HAND!
}
} Eh?
}
} OK, you have my attention.
}
} - WOULD YOU CRUSH AN INNOCENT SEEKER OF KNOWLEDGE? ONE WHO WISHES
} ONLY TO FIND THE _WAY_? ONE WHO GROVELLED RATHER WELL?
}
} Well, yes, actually. I mean, we don't KNOW he wants to identify Virtue
} in order to pursue it. Maybe he wants to avoid it, along with the
} rest of these contrary little monkey-men.
}
} - UM.
}
} And heck, he could have just looked it up at
} http://www.m-w.com/netdict.htm.
}
} - YOU HAVE A POINT.
}
} Hey, I tell you what. You can zot the little pipsqueak.
}
} - COOL. I HAVEN'T DONE THIS SINCE THE OLD TESTAMENT!


901-09    (fHBa1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what can you say about my voice? Did you like it?
>
>                                               Mary.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Typhoid (if you'll permit me to use your first name), you had
} a sensuous and distracting voice, hence your wartime popularity.
} However, I believe it's time you got on with your life.  Geez, it's
} been 50 years...
}
} You owe the Oracle some other obscure WWII reference.


901-10    (3lBve dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that Canada is planning an invasion?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Planning? No...
}
} Executing? Yes...
}
} The Canadian invasion started over 30 years ago, when Lorne Greene
} snuck his way onto a television lot, and picked up the role of Pa on
} Bonanza.
}
} Following in his footsteps, was Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, William
} Shatner, started the initial attack. It was silent, stealthy, and no
} one saw it coming. The onslaught continued with Anne Murray, Tom
} Cochrane, Alanis Morissette, Shania Twain, Barenaked Ladies, Sloan, and
} the Crash Test Dummies stormed the border, bagpipes a-wailing, striking
} fear in the hearts of Americans (and Grammy judges)
}
} The latest attack has been the hardest... Superspies Jim Carrey and
} Pamela Anderson have made there way into the U.S.A's wallet, tapping
} them for millions of dollars for each appearance...
}
} So, face it... the war has been lost, the U.S. has already been taken
} over by Canadians... and you never new it, because they look just like
} you... eh?
}
} You owe the Oracle two liters of maple syrup, a stubby bottle of beer,
} and a kilo of back bacon.


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