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Internet Oracularities #902

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902, 902-01, 902-02, 902-03, 902-04, 902-05, 902-06, 902-07, 902-08, 902-09, 902-10


Internet Oracularities #902    (115 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 30 Apr 1997 09:22:41 -0500 (EST)

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   902
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

902  115 votes 8erDr dxHo2 3hMvg 1cyIo euygl 8eAwp 6oBtj phqpm cvyt9 9nztj
902   3.2 mean  3.5   2.7   3.3   3.7   3.0   3.5   3.3   3.0   2.9   3.2


902-01    (8erDr dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the answer to life, the universe and everything??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene: A small classroom somewhere in Indiana.
}
} A older man, quite distinguished in appearance and rather well
} dressed, if I do say so myself, enters from a door on the left side
} of the room near the front. He walks over the podium in front of a
} large projection computer monitor.
}
} The Man: Good morning class.
}
} Class <together>: Good morning Oracle!
}
} Oracle: In today's lesson we continue the thread on dealing with
}         repeat questions. Particularly questions in which the
}         supplicant quite obviously expects a specific answer. Take
}         the following example:
}
} <The Oracle reaches under the podium for a brand new radio controlled
} trackball. Hitting a few button, the projection screen comes to life.
} Centered on the screen is a single line of text.>
}
} > What is the answer to life, the universe and everything??
}
} Oracle: Now, who can tell me where this comes from? Yes, John?
}
} John: Douglas Adams _Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy_ trilogy?
}
} Oracle: Correct. I see you have done your required reading. Now, with
}         such an obvious reference, what is the supplicants prupose in
}         asking this question? Yes, Laura?
}
} Laura: The supplicant wants to see if we take the easy way out and
}        just give him the stock answer from the book?
}
} Oracle: Maybe. Anyone else? John again?
}
} John: The supplicant obviously thinks he's being funny. He wants to
}       get in on this Oracle thing but can't muster up the orginality
}       to come up with a truly good question on his own. So he hopes
}       to ride the coattails of popular comtemporary author by simply
}       quoting form one of his most popular works.
}
} Oracle: Very good, John. That's possible, but I really don't think
}         so. One more. Tim?
}
} Tim: Could it be that the supplicant really wants to know?
}
} Oracle: Doubtful. Most supplicants don't have the brain power to
}         really be interested in that kind of thing. Look, class. This
}         supplicant thinks he can outsmart me. He asks some obvious
}         question, which is so overasked as to be lame and boring. In
}         doing so, he hopes that he can get the better of me, hoping
}         I'll just say "42" and be done with it.
}
}         But we can't do that. That would mean he would win. So how do
}         we handle this? How can we turn such a lame question into a
}         truly insightful and humorous response?
}
} Laura: Zot the bastard! He didn't grovel!
}
} <Cheers from the whole room>
}
} Oracle: Very perceptive Luara. A "No grovel" can usually result in an
}         off the cuff Zotting. However, doing so would also make him
}         think he had gotten the better of me. That would be the
}         same as saying that I couldn't think of anything better. You
}         in the back, Heather.
}
} Heather: Give him a Top Ten list? Maybe we could do something like:
}          "From the home office in Heaven..."
}
} <General booing from the whole room. Paper airplanes fly.>
}
} Oracle: Alright, alright, quiet down. Not too bad an idea. Needs a
}         little polish though. In many cases, a top ten list can
}         indeed get you out of a tough spot. But I don't think that
}         really fits the bill here.
}
} John: So what do we do? If we can't Zot him, a top ten list isn't
}       right, and there's no way we can just say: 42, you owe me a
}       towel.
}
} Oracle: In this case, the best approach is to pretend to actually
}         consider the question as real and go from there.
}
} Laura: But how can we do that? The only way to find out the answer
}        to life, the universe and everything is to actually die!
}
} Oracle: Precisely! So here's the response:
} ------------------------------------------
}
} The answer to this question cannot properly be written down. It
} requires one to be fully immersed in the experience of the
} answer. However, that requires one to actually be deceased.
}
} Don't worry, I'll take care of that little part, too.
}
} *****ZOT*****
}
} You owe the Oracle an original question. One that hasn't been asked
} 4,345,782 times.


902-02    (dxHo2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, whose ego is matched only by his hygeine, who invented/first
> articulated the woodchuck blasphemy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *Sigh* how tiresome, 3 of 4 queries this morning involve
} woodchucks, and they're not very imaginative at that.  Ewww.
} The fourth involves Tom Jones.  At least this isn't going to
} take very long.
}
} Sorriest of Supplicants, whose charred bones...wait...
}
}              >>> ZOT <<<
}
} ...whose charred bones lie in a small pile, dull & black in
} the golden sunshine of morning...
}
} ___  Qa14338  ...none.  Groundhogs don't live in log houses,
}               and neither do their mother-in-laws.  And if
}               they tried, we would burn & raze their stinking
}               hovels, so it just DOESN'T MATTER.
}
} _X_  Qa15003  ...the identity of the sad miscreant who first
}               asked the "WC" question has been lost in the ashes
}               of time.  As are the names of countless nameless
}               fools who followed, of which you are the latest.
}               Take heart, in just half a sec you won't be "the
}               latest" anymore.
}
} ___  Qa16684  ...this recipient (oracle@cs.indiana.edu) refuses
}               all mail from your host address (marmo.rodent.edu)
}               as it is regarded as a rogue site; neither a
}               spammer nor a marmot be.  Please change providers,
}               hire a good plastic surgeon, and resubmit your
}               question.
}
} ___  Qa21083  ...we apologize for the inconvenience, but the
}               Oracle has been quite irritable lately (his
}               British Open qualifying round is next week), and
}               he has summarily issued a ZOT on grounds of "no
}               grovel" rather than think about Tom Jones.
}
}               (He did mutter something about "Far better fit
}               for an Alfred E. Neuman impersonator", then
}               shouted "Funk this!" or something quite similar,
}               and disappeared in a cloud of sequins.  Oh sorry,
}               wrong TJ.)
}
} You ALL owe the Oracle a break...and a mulligan.


902-03    (3hMvg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who can make even Genesee Cream Ale drinkable, this unworthy
> has a question...
>
> Why is it that Americans drink such thin, watered-down, bodiless beers,
> (ie. Budwiser, Pabst, Miller, Schlitz) in copious amounts when rich,
> thick, full-bodied beers (ie. Guiness, Labatts, Sam Adams, Becks) are
> available for only $1 more a six-pack?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all goes back over 200 years ago, to the Declaration of
} Independence. Although generally thought to be a manifesto, the
} document is actually a contract between the nascent United States and
} Britan. The little-known final page to the Declaration has been lost in
} the mists of history. But, being omniscient, it's no biggie for me to
} quote some of the highlights:
}
} >In exchange for the above-mentioned freedom, self-representation,
} >life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, etc., the party of the first part
} >(The United States of America) does hereby provide to the party of the
} >second part (Great Britain) the following consideration:
} >
} > - All the good bands
} > - Doc Martens
} > - All rights and use of the accent, although the party of the first
} >   part may still develop derivative accents
} > - Monty Python
} > - "My Word"
} > - All beer and gin, with the exception of beer and gin that sucks
} >   (See section IV, paragraph 3, under the heading "British Food" for
} >   the legal definition of "suck")
} > - The lyrics (but not the music) to "God Save the Queen"
}
} Of course, in these modern times, non-sucky beer is readily available
} at the local grocery store. The tendency to not drink it is considered
} patriotic, and it is in the most patriotic section of America, like the
} rural south, where poor beer is most readily consumed. Attempts to
} create decent beer that appeals to American's patriotism, such as Sam
} Adams, have been met with only marginal success.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Black & Tan


902-04    (1cyIo dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you throw a cat out the window of a moving car, does it become kitty
> litter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, if you try to throw a cat out of the window of a moving
} car, what you will get is a number of very slow healing, deep claw
} marks on your face.  After you wipe the blood out of your eyes and
} swerve suddenly to avoid the very large truck you are about to hit,
} spin around and finally stop dead still in the middle of the road, you
} will look in the back seat and find the cat, perfectly composed,
} absorbed in licking itself clean.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to clear up these hairballs I keep
} getting.


902-05    (euygl dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Rich McGee" <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, sharper than a straight razor,
>
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck before you can call him a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [A warm, humid, dark, cloudy day.  A light but steady rain is falling
} and a moderate wind causes the palm trees to bend to the west.]
}
} "That hurricane is gonna be here in coupla hours.  I'd shore like to
} buy some plywood to board up my winders, but the damn gummint says you
} can't charge more'n the reg'lar price for wood.  All the wood that was
} already here is gone.
}
} [The rain intensifies.  The palm fronds whip around noisily, and an
} occasional sheet of aluminum flies by.]
}
} "I know they's plenty of folks who'd be more'n happy to load up they
} pickup truck up North and brang me some wood.  I'd pay five times the
} regular price.  We cain't do it because the gummint says we cain't.
}
} [The sky darkens.  The rain is now falling in torrents.  The palm trees
} are ripped up by the roots and disappear into the Western sky.  A
} traffic signal on an abandoned street turns from red to green, then
} crashes to the street in a shower of sparks. An occasional mobile home
} flies by.]
}
} "We need some kinda super hero, I guess.  Somebody who'd come down here
} and chuck us a whole mess o' wood.
}
} [The rain is now falling so hard it cannot run off as as it falls.  The
} streets grow deep in warm, muddy water.  The wind whips the surface of
} the streets into a maelstrom of rancid brown foam.]
}
} "Yep, if somebody would come and chuck us a big ole mess o' wood, we
} sure could save a lot of heartache.  He would be a real hero.
}
} [Towering waves rise out of the ocean and crash miles from the shore.
} The once placid landscape becomes a vast lake of mud, broken boats,
} building debris, mangled tree limbs, and drowned livestock.  As the
} storm receeds, the din begins to fade.  The rain wanes to a drizzle,
} the wind to a gentle breeze.  Above the sound of rushing water is heard
} the plaintiff cry of the one human who stayed, hoping beyond hope that
} his prayers would be answered.]
}
} "Damn woodchucks!"
}
} So that's it, supplicant.  The answer, my friend, is ...
}
} (No, not even your Oracle would stoop to a pun that low.)


902-06    (8eAwp dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wonderful Oracle, In who's feculance I am unworthy to wallow,
> Who's cud I am unworthy to chew, who would never feed me a load
> of udder bull...
>
> I'm trying to write "The Big Book of Cow Puns", but I find
> that after about 5, I just can't come up with any moooooooo-re.
> Could you hoof some to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O supplicant who cowtows so bovinely, I'm pleased that you chose to
} milk your grovel for all it was worth... some people tend to be a bit
} bossy (those, I usually zot in the dairy air. They have to be
} wheeled out on a guernsey.).
}
} Anyway, enough stalling. I hate to break this to you, but the time
} for puns is longhorn past. In their hayday, you cud go on for
} heifer, or at least a long whey, on a single topic. But now, the pun
} industry is no longer stable. Most of the punwork is farmed out to
} foreign countries, resulting in puns not fit for manure beast. I'd be
} O'Leary about publishing such a book.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cup of decalf.


902-07    (6oBtj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you learn English ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Post to USENET.  If your knowledge of the Official Language of the Net
} is lacking, you will be rapidly educated by the world's finest writers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a speling checquer.


902-08    (phqpm dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *What* did you just say to me, young Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ooh, Lisa!  I like *this* game!


902-09    (cvyt9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most cool Oracle, who knows what the Babes want & how to give
> it to them, please help this luser supplicant get some too.
>
> I got the Corvair station wagon loaded with camping gear, I'm
> gassed and ready.
>
> Leon Redbone is playing in the 8-track, the chops & beers are
> iced down in the cooler, I gots reservation at the Elk Creek
> Campground in Grand Lake.
>
> What do I hafta do to find a woman to go with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stop being so shy. You've got her number. Give her a call, and she'll
} go with you. Hey, if you don't take your cousin out, somebody else
} will.
}
} You owe the Oracle a genetic screening.


902-10    (9nztj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I were to declare war on New Zealand, would it be legal, under
> international law, for me to use landmimes?
>
> Thank you for answering, oh Oracle whose hair is as thick as spaghetti
> and whose feet are as handsome as Lawrence Ferlinghetti.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. Under the Geneva treaty, you may no longer use any kind of mime
} during warfare. Also forbidden are Zamfir (master of the pan-flute),
} sauerkraut being cooked, life-sized photographs of Michael Jackson, and
} anything having to do with Gallagher.
}
} You owe the Oracle a treaty banning the use of Windows 95. Not just in
} wartime, you understand.


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