903-08 (dnqAe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster
The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
> Oh Oracle, the man with the shovel, we got a problem here...
> Glancing through some old Oracularities a while back, we at the
> Institute found the question of a supplicant who accidentally created a
> bunch of immortal mice. Now, we thought this was absolutely
> preposterous, but we managed to get some of their experimental records,
> and attempted to duplicate the results.
> I don't want to say that we were scared by the results but Todd, our
> janitor, went on strike when Dr. Haislett... well, let's not get into
> that. We tried a few of the tests in the original Oracularity and got
> frustratingly similar results (have you ever seen a mouse eat your
> assistant's engagement ring? It's not pretty). So we decided to try our
> own experiment, based on your advice.
> As you know, the Institute is located on the East Coast, and we had a
> more-than-generous red tide scare over the summer. Consequently, we had
> plenty of paralyzed clams lying around. While the paralytic shellfish
> poisoning appeared to work, we found that these mice had the ability to
> regenerate damage to their nervous systems, a fact we found out much to
> our chagrin when our test subjects attempted to gnaw their way through
> the incinerator door and wound up setting a massive fire in the steam
> plant building.
> We made special arrangements with the Seabrook nuclear power plant in
> New Hampshire to see what happened if we subjected them to nuclear
> radiation. Knowing that they couldn't stomach the taste of cadmium
> (though it wasn't actually toxic to them (nothing is), our observations
> were that it had a tendency to react like chewing on tinfoil in their
> mouths), it was a simple matter to keep them restrained in the fuel
> rods. The end result was less than promising; not only did they
> survive, but it was a simple matter of shaving them to decontaminate
> them. Subsequent tests on the fur obtained indicated almost surreal
> levels of lead, a factor which I can attribute only to Dr. Farmington's
> frequent habit of carrying them in the trunk of her '72 Cadillac. We
> did notice that their restraints were very badly chewed; I was informed
> last week by letter that due to some inexplicable damage to the reactor
> control mechanisms we were to be shot on sight if we ever entered the
> town of Seabrook again. Nothing personal, of course.
> The ever-enterprising Dr. Choe attempted to sell his soul to the devil
> to find out a way to kill these things, but apparently Satan has enough
> scientists for the time being and told him to call back in about twelve
> A contact in New York offered to try some studies in the effects of
> kinetic impact on the mice and wound up denting a few sidewalks when he
> whipped three of them off the antenna of the taller tower of the World
> Trade Center. According to the latest sports pages, his associate, Mr.
> Strawberry, has been placed on the disabled list for several weeks by
> his organization.
> Several colleagues at our satellite campus in Boston attempted to
> subject the mice to a steady diet of Boston radio personality Howie
> Carr. This only succeeded in making the two subjects develop a conquest
> fetish; they were last seen in the vicinity of Fort Knox attempting to
> run off with some gold bars.
> Dr. Colvin was responsible for our most recent effort, in which we
> attempted to freeze them and use them for hockey pucks. I can only
> imagine what the Institute's accounting office will say when they see
> the bill for that one. We're seriously considering writing to the
> French military and asking them to include a few of our mice in their
> next nuclear test.
> Needless to say, we have problems. Now please help me here: how do we
> kill these damn things, and if we can't what possible commercial use
> are they?
} You shouldn't mistake your inability to kill those mice with
} immortality. A small turbulence of your sun producing a
} super-duper-nova would easily cancel your misproducts out of
} existence. So, these mice are clearly mortal. This just to clarify
} Ah - you mean - you want to kill them without destroying the rest of
} your corner of the galaxy, too? You want to do it in the subtle way?
} Ok, I'll help you, but keep it for yourself: in the last level of
} 'Doom' (TM) there is some very secret room (which has only been found
} by a handful of 'Doom' (TM) addicts up to now) where you can find some
} super-hyper-mega weapon with which you can kill any being in a
} fraction of a second.
} Oh - you mean - that's only a game and the weapon is just imaginative
} and therefore of no use? Oh yes, you are right, that won't
} work... Humm, let's see... Yeah, take all the mice put them in a
} time-travel machine and send them some hundred years into the future -
} so they will become a problem of future generations and not yours.
} What? You - you don't have one? Ohh, I forgot that you don't have a
} time travel machine yet. It will only be invented after the next Big
} Bang, so there's still some time to go. Hmmmm, ok, now I finally have
} a simple and reliable idea; you can use the same methods that you
} applied to the mice to generate 'immortal' cats. Well, those will deal
} with the mice. As for the commercial aspect, the chase will certainly
} serve as certain kind of entertainment for the watching of which you
} could try to charge a fee.
} You owe the Oracle a collection of the 'Best of Tom and Jerry'