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Internet Oracularities #904

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904, 904-01, 904-02, 904-03, 904-04, 904-05, 904-06, 904-07, 904-08, 904-09, 904-10


Internet Oracularities #904    (122 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 May 1997 00:10:33 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   904
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

904  122 votes htNm5 iEzm7 buMq7 5dsSm bBAsa 9oFtj 5bLFi cqFz8 AApfa 9lzBk
904   3.0 mean  2.7   2.7   2.9   3.6   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.0   2.4   3.3


904-01    (htNm5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Zadoc, I have some questions for you.
>
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZADD-awk?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZAY-dawk?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "zuh-DAWK?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "WOOD-chuck?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZADD-oak?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "ZAY-doak?"
> Is "Zadoc" pronounced "zuh-DOAK?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle here. I've always just pronounced it "worm". If you want
} to know how he pronounces it, try sending him mail at
} zadoc01@miserable.worm.aol.com.
}
} You owe the Oracle Nathan the Prophet's email address.


904-02    (iEzm7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, for which no PGP key is safe, please help me!
>
> I need to go to the bathroom urgently, but my sister is
> doing her make-up and has locked the door.
>
> Please reply ASAP.
>
>              -- Crosslegged.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.. Let's see. There's a backdoor to everything (no pun intended).
} Let's take a look at the door label.
}
} -------------------------
} |  Microsoft Door |
} -------------------------
}
} Ah ha!
}
} <<The Oracle grabs the nearest phone and dials tech support with his
} speed-dialish fingers>>
}
} Hello? Uh.. Hold....
}
} Oh Hi. Uh yes um I've got a door here that's locked, and we have an
} emergency and need it unlocked.
}
} No! I do not want to call a hired 3rd party locksmith and pay $35 per
} incident with Locksmith co, encryption problem or not!
}
} Uh, if we have no key it's an encryption problem and it'll cost us
} more.
}
} <Looks to supplicant> You have a key, right?
}
} <<Suplicant quickly pats his pockets for a key but finds none and
} shrugs>>
}
} <To Supplicant> Great, now it's an encryption problem. Unless...
}
} Oh, uh yeah, we DO have a key, but we can't get it unlocked, now will
} ya help us out here? Oh yes, you can help us. Thank you.
}
} What!? What's the registration number of the door? The doors closed how
} the hell should I know? Oh... I sense the registartion number is
} 797-24523-68345. Sense? Did I say that? I meant see, yeah that's it.
} Hmm..What uninstall an unlocked door? *Sighs* <hangs up phone>
}
} You may go ahead and use my toilet. But only once.
}
} <<The Supplicant enters the Oracle's private bathroom, as he relieves
} himself he notices the extra wide magazine rack overflowing
} with....literature>>
}
} Hey cmon!
}
} Supplicant: I... have to sit down and take care of business. Crept up
} unexpectidly, you know?
}
} Ahh!
} ---
}
} You owe the Oracle an open bathroom door that leads to an unoccupied
} bathroom.


904-03    (buMq7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There is a postcard waiting for you in the Post(card) Office.
> You may claim it at the Pickup Window, which is located at
>
>       http://postcards.www.media.mit.edu/Postcards/
>
> Your claim number is: oracle.3732561
>
> Please have this number available when you claim your postcard.
>
>                               Thank you,
>                               The Postmaster
>
> Messages left unclaimed after 2 weeks may be discarded.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Master?"
}
} "Mm? What is it, Zadoc?"
}
} "I have viewed the postcard for you, Master."
}
} "Oh, that. So what was it?"
}
} "It was the Mona Lisa, Master. The text was `Why?'"
}
} "Why? Just why?"
}
} "Yes, Master. Just why."
}
} "So what you're telling me is that this clown tried to send the Oracle
} off on a two and a half minute download odyssey in order to view one
} of the Nineteen Crappy One Word Questions, with an accompanying Leo
} da V picture to make it look as if the supplicant were thinking?"
}
} "Yes, Master. But..."
}
} "But what?"
}
} "The Supplicant left his email address on the postcard."
}
} "Oh. Oh did he now. Well then. Should we be creative?"
}
} "If you wish it, Master. We still have some of those antimatter packets
} left over from mailbombing the Pauline Hanson site."
}
} "Hmm. No, let's save them. Just do the usual."
}
} "Of course, Master. One MAKE_MONEY_FAST ultra-spam, one death threat
} to godking@oneworldgov.org, one $250 Corvette advertisement in all
} the college papers with a note to call after 3AM, one... um, Master?"
}
} "Yes? What is it now?"
}
} "Um, what if the listed email address isn't really that of the
} Supplicant?"
}
} "A human annoys me, a human gets squished like a bug. Got that, human?"
}
} "Yes, Master."
}
} Wait until peak Net congestion time for your area, then pay your debt
} to the Oracle by viewing the postcard that awaits you at
} http://www.cityearth.com/hategrams/index.shtml.


904-04    (5dsSm dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, whose knowledge of the ways of the
> cosmos is even greater than the gullibility of readers of the
> National Enquirer, I pray that you bestow some small quotient of
> enlightenment upon this, your most unworthy supplicant, by vouchsafing
> your ponderings on this, my humble inquiry:
> Why do women say they mean one thing, like "Yes, I like the way you
> dress" or "Sure, I like the Three Stooges" but mean something totally
> different, like "Your whole wardrobe must go.  We will shop for new
> clothes for you til you puke" or "How can you find the sight of one
> man gouging the eyes of another man funny, while still a third man
> does that stupid finger snap, fist clap sound while going 'Woo woo' "?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't believe it! You mean there are still males out there who don't
} realise that women, like the Japanese, use words purely to make polite
} noises which bear no relation whatsoever to what they really mean to
} say?
}
} *sigh*
}
} Look, supplicant, I haven't got time now to give you a full induction
} into the secret language of the female Homo sapiens. Instead, here is
} Lisa's handy glossary of expressions used by women on dates and what
} they mean. The rest you'l have to figure out yourself.
}
} Go out to dinner with      But, given a choice, I'd rather stay home
} you? I'd love to!          and rip my fingernails out one by one.
}
} Where do you suggest       I suggest you go to Anchorage while I go
} we go?                     to Tasmania.
}
} No, I've never been        I try to avoid food-poisoning, as a rule.
} there.
}
} You'll pick me up at       Oh my God! Haven't they confiscated your
} seven then?                driving license yet? Valium, quick!
}
} Wow! You certainly         But it would have been a different story
} got us here quickly.       if that policeman had managed to keep up
}                            with you.
}
} You remind me of Brad      I've never met him and I wish I could say
} Pitt.                      the same about you.
}
} I never knew you could     The way you do that finger snap, fist clap
} be so entertaining!        sound while going 'Woo woo!'
}
} I'm not very hungry.       You're enough to put anyone off their food.
}
} I'll just have a salad.    And I'll also lean across and eat all your
}                            fries, just to annoy you.
}
} Must watch my figure,      And if you don't stop watching my figure,
} you know.                  I'm going to punch you in the eye any
}                            minute now.
}
} Go back to your place?     But first, let me start on my toenails.
} Swell!
}
} So this is your home.      I thought by 'home' you'd meant mental
}                            institution.
}
} Yes, I will have a         Got any paraquat?
} drink, thank you.
}
} You say it's a             It looks more like the USS Missouri.
} matchstick model of        Or the Eiffel Tower. Or both.
} Rodin's 'The Kiss'?
}
} And you made it            You know, where I come from, we lower
} yourself? How clever       people like you slowly into a giant
} of you!                    tank full of jellyfish.
}
} I'm so sorry, I do find    I make it a rule never to kiss
} you attractive but I       wildebeest on a first date.
} make it a rule never to
} kiss on a first date.
}
} We must do this again      Surely he's not feeble-minded enough to
} some time.                 take *that* at face value?
}
} Next Friday would be       Oh my God, he is!!!
} great.
}
} Goodbye, I've had a        I'm now going home to perform a lobotomy
} lovely evening.            on myself in a vain attempt to expunge it
}                            from my memory.
}
} "Are you done yet, sugar-buns?"
}
} Just about, Lisa my sweet.
}
} "Oh, I think it's wonderful how you are always helping poor lost
} souls with your wise and witty advice."
}
} By that, do you mean 'It's wonderful how I'm always helping poor
} lost souls with my wise and witty advice,' or do you really mean
} 'God, those little losers must be desperate to resort to a pompous,
} nobrained windbag like me?'
}
} "Why, the former of course, apple blossom of my delight!"
}
} I'm glad to hear it. Well, I'm knocking off now. What say we repair
} to the bed chamber?
}
} "Hang on. I think a couple of my toenails have grown back."


904-05    (bBAsa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Wondrous Oracle whose imagination outshines by far that of
> Welles, Orwell, and Dilbert, all rolled into one, tell me, I beg you,
> will a space elevator such as that suggested by Arthur C. Clarke ever
> be built?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It will!  As it turns out, though, moving Sri Lanka to the equator will
} be the more impressive engineering feat.  Even after that is finished a
} month ahead of time (by the soon-to-be-world-renowned contractor, Big
} Billy Bob's Earthmoving and Refrigerator Removal Service), there will
} be significant delays and political foulups.  The most crushing blow to
} the project, though, will come when Microsoft is awarded the software
} contract for the project.  SpaceElevatorOS2025 will be delivered
} (slightly late) on March 15, 2043 with, as Bill Gates, Jr. will put it,
} "a few undocumented features".
}
} One of those undocumented features will cause the code to enter an
} infinite loop the first time the elevator is used.  As a result, the
} braking mechanism will fail to engage, resulting in the payload (a
} useless chunk of silicon -- WASA will inherit caution from its
} forerunner, NASA) hurtling off into space in an uncontrolled fashion.
} Unforunately, it won't quite make escape velocity, and several months
} later will come crashing back to earth in two pieces, obliterating the
} Sundance Film and Holography Festival and Madonna's Retirement Home for
} Pooped Poppers in the process.  Microsoft's stock will surge upward,
} giving the formerly anonymous majority stock holder enough cash to
} leave his Indiana residence and take over the world.
}
} You owe the Oracle all the Microsoft stock in your portfolio.


904-06    (9oFtj dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A E I O U?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An Extremely Impertinent Oracle User
} Approached, Eminently Incapable Of Understanding
} An Eminently Important Observance, Uttered
} An Excrescence, Inquiring Of Us
} Actual Estimation, In Ordinary Units
} An Expeditious Imbursement Of Underdogs.
}
} U O I A E!


904-07    (5bLFi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Wise One,
> Why is it then when you come home and you can hear your phone  ringing
> from far, it stops when you reach out to it? My phone in the office
> does the same.
> Are they on strike? Should they be replaced? Is there a cure?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They are Heisenburg brand Uncertainty phones. You can tell that they
} are ringing, but when you try to figure out exactly why, you are eluded
} since they stop ringing.  You should replace them with Schroedinger
} phones; the phone makes a ringing sound only once. Then, the only way
} to know if the phone is still "ringing" or not is to pick up the phone
} and see if someone is on the line.
}
} You owe the Oracle a refund for his Murphy's phone; it keeps breaking.


904-08    (cqFz8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most splendorous, who could smite me even without the ZOT
> staff, I ask that you explain what has happened to me.  You see, those
> symptoms I mentioned in another supplication (dizzy spells, all rooms
> being lit up as I enter them, and a cutting feeling in my back) had
> nothing to do with an excess of blood.  The symptoms I had now seem to
> have grown.  People started staring at me in awe mere days after you
> sent me your answer.  I have a definite glow around me now and I have
> sprouted sparkling white wings.  People who annoy me now have a
> tendency to keel over in pain and even cry out.  As for those dizzy
> spells, they're more frequent and a bit more severe.
>
> I'm really scared now.  What's going on?  What's happening to me?
>
> <The supplicant starts crying at the Oracle's feet.>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
}         We at Acme Industries are sorry that the side effects from our
} Acme Deification Kit (TM) have proved to be distrubing.  However, if
} you had read the 500 page instruction manual (written in Swahili,
} transcribed into Arabic) you would have noted that such side effects
} are to be expected in a large number of cases.  Once the installation
} phase is complete, the Deification Kit will work perfectly, with no
} side effects.  After all, we at Acme pride ourselves on the quality of
} our product, and our customers agree. One customer, a Mr. Wile E.
} Coyote, has been ordering our products for years.
}
}                                                 Sincerely Yours,
}
}                                                 R. Runner
}                                                 President
}                                                 Acme Industries


904-09    (AApfa dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows who wrote the _Book of Love_,  please tell
> me...
>
> Why can't I remember my question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ummmm..I am sorry..but I can't remember the answer....
} You owe the Oracle...ummm..something.


904-10    (9lzBk dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, keeper of all wisdom and knowledge,
>
> I don't understand Mormonism.  Can you explain it to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't know much about Moronism, either, but let's take a look at this
} fragment from the Book of Moron:
}
} "1.And behold, let there be a select group of twelve youths.  2.They
} shall stand upon the corners of the great streets of the great and holy
} Salt Lake City.  3.Let them munch upon apples and sip the diet beverage
} Tab, and let them raise their voices in praise and in holy song.
} 4.This shall be the most well-known activity of the Morons."
}
} ...this must evidently be a description of the Moron Tab-'n'-Apple
} Choir.
}
} Oh, wait...you asked about *Mormon*ism..........oops.
}
} You owe the Oracle a free religious book or two.


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