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Internet Oracularities #905

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905, 905-01, 905-02, 905-03, 905-04, 905-05, 905-06, 905-07, 905-08, 905-09, 905-10


Internet Oracularities #905    (115 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 12 May 1997 08:55:40 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   905
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

905  115 votes zHv51 78nwJ 1nHF7 coBnj 9rHoc 7gCIa amqCj bsxud 4duFr fIsj9
905   3.1 mean  2.1   3.9   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.3   3.3   3.1   3.6   2.7


905-01    (zHv51 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the capital of Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For large exchanges: David Letterman's ego
} For small change: David Letterman's ratings.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stock Index based on the witty banter of Andy
} Richter, Paul Shaefer and Kevin Eubanks.


905-02    (78nwJ dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Moe,  I fear, will get in here.
> Ray,  His thug already tried.
> Me,   I fear, for myself.
> Far   Away I wish I was.
> Slow  I am to pay my debt.
> Lots  Of money do I owe.
> Thee, For help I humbly beg.
>
>       So how do I pay back Moe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numbers and rackets and kidnapping babies,
} Drug deals and fencing and pimping street ladies,
} Fleecing the fools with extragavant stings,
} These are a few of Moe's favourite things.
}
} Ray runs protection and takes a percentage,
} Takes a bit more and invests in fine vintage,
} Find his accounts and a nark who will sing,
} Take them to Moe and explain the whole thing.
}
} When he hears this; and checks Ray's books;
} And finds out it's truuuuue...
} Ray ends up swimming in big concrete boots,
} And Moe ends up OOOOOOwing you!
}
} You owe the Oracle an edition of "America's Most Wanted"
} exposing the Von Trapp Family.


905-03    (1nHF7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O master, familiar with the consequences of nasty crashes, tell me why
> people use Micro$oft products?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because Microsoft(tm) makes high quality products for home and office!
} Where do you want to go today?
}
} You owe the Oracle stock options.
}
} % mail billg@microsoft.com
} Subject: Got another heretic here
}
} Hello again,
}
} got another supplicant here who seems to know too much about your
} products.  You'd better whack him before he gets the word out.  Give
} him an offer he can't refuse.
}
} I'll expect my usual commission.
}
} - TIO
} send? y
} %
} Whoops, is this thing still on?


905-04    (coBnj dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SUPPLICANT: *
}
} ORACLE: ?!
}
} S: '?!'?
}
} O: '*' -> '?!' !!
}
} S: ...?
}
} O: '...?'? (!!!)
}
} S: :)
}
} O: !!!
}
} S: :(
}
} O: ':('!?
}
} S: ?
}
} O: !
}
} S: '!'?
}
} O: *ZOT*
}
} S: (sizzle)
}
} You owe the Oracle a telegram for Victor Hugo.


905-05    (9rHoc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Send me information about new grange groups.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello!
}
} Thank you for your interest in Grange Groups!
}
} We here at GrangeGroupCo are pleased to organize and present to you on a
} weekly basis all the wonderful and marvelous advantages that our fine
} Grange product can provide for you! You'll be amazed! Your friends will
} admire you! Passersby on the street will instantly recognize you as an
} intelligent, motivated person who has a good head on their shoulders!
} Your mom will make your favorite food for dinner! Dad will hold his head
} a little higher knowing that his offspring has the good sense to
} participate in Grange Groups!
}
} But what exactly can Grange Groups do for you? Here are just a few of
} the many advantages you'll reap from being fully 'Granged':
}
} - 10% discount at all feed and grain stores nationwide!
}
} - Free factory tours of the place where they make that red jelly filling
}   for jelly donuts!
}
} - Full use of the Jacuzzi (except on our one holiday 'Grange-nojacuzzi
}   Day')
}
} - 200 thread count Percale sheets!
}
} - Ability to store many months worth of old Sunday papers in your Magic
}   Bag!
}
} - Your choice of gift: Vegematic or 'Flow-bee' Haircutting system!
}
} - Unlimited supply of Grange's "Special Hygenic Cream"
}
} - You'll be one of a select few who'll know the secret ingredient found
}   in both 'Apple Jacks' and Avon's "Skin So Soft"
}
} - Accordion lessons!
}
} - Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese, Mac and cheese!!!!
}
} But time is limited! The Grange Groups can't just sit around waiting for
} you all day! Get a move on! Go to your local Grange Groups affiliate in
} your hometown (located next to 'Spatula City - For all your flippin'
} needs!')
}
} Tax and title not included. Must accept Group upon down-payment. State
} and federal taxes are the responsibility of applicant. Post no bills.
} Fair to middlin'. Move it or lose it. Never fall in love with Penguins,
} they only love fish. Life is full of choices - I'll have the soup. Don't
} put your lips on that. A half-eaten Zebra or a newspaper. Spaghetti is
} not an effective dentrifice. Open slowly, lest something fall from a
} high shelf and land on your toes-ies. Never chew aluminum foil. Hail a
} taxi and say 'Just browsing, thanks.' Not responsible for lost or
} missing pieces. Sarah McLachlan married Ashe and broke my heart. Two
} wrongs don't make a right, so turn left instead. Not for tournament
} play. Manager does not have keys to safe. Taco sauce only available upon
} request.
}
} You owe the Oracle a viable reason for the Seagate Hard Drive 'Stiction'
} problem and two jelly...hmm.. make that glazed donuts.
}
} ________________________
} The Oracle, as incarnated by
} Gary.Jeleniewski@cbis.com
} 'For all your goofy answer needs!!


905-06    (7gCIa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who knows how many holes are in swiss cheese, and knows the
> phone number of Anna Nicole Smith's bustier designer..
>
> What was up with that girl last night!?  Wasn't that the weirdest blind
> date I've ever gone on?  SHe was a true bonehead.  It's too bad too, she
> was cute, and had nice hoo.. ligans..
>
> So what's next in my realm of dating possibilities??
>
> Thanks O.
>
> P.S. Extra Credit: Any idea what will happen to me and Margy, she is a
> total babe and said she likes me, she even called last night..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The year is 2002.  At the Our Sister Of Serenity Home For The
} Bewildered, a radiant, omniscient figure sits in a barren corner of a
} padded cell.  Twitching and swatting at himself, he bawls softly to
} himself, "Woodchucks, woodchucks, woodchucks..."
}
} Meanwhile, at a workstation in an ivory tower in Bloomington, IN,
} sits Lisa, trying valiantly to manage the deluge of incoming
} questions, so as to keep the news of the Internet Oracle's misfortune
} from the public.
}
} Zadoc drags an enormous mail bag into the room, tugging at it with
} both hands.]
}
} Zadoc:  Well, we're up to May, 1997.  See, we're making a little
}         progress.
}
} Lisa:   *sigh*  It's hopeless, though.  The questions are coming in
}         faster than we can answer them.
}
} Zadoc:  But what choice do we have?  You know he could zot us even
}         from this far away -- the nurses are scared to death of him.
}
} Lisa:   I know, I know.  Read the next question.
}
} Zadoc:  [opens envelope]  Hmm, blah blah blah.  It's a question about
}         Ellen Degeneres coming out.
}
} Lisa:   Ellen who?  *shakes head*  How can I answer a question about
}         people I don't even know?  *I'm* not omniscient.  Hmm, let's
}         see...  "Dear Supplicant, Shortly after Ellen came out, it
}         started raining, so she went back in.  You owe the Oracle a
}         peach."  *sigh*  I just don't have the knack for this, but
}         let's keep going.  Next question.
}
} Zadoc:  Hmm, this guy met a stacked bonehead at a party.  Wants to
}         know who's next.
}
} Lisa:   Gosh, where *do* they come up with these?  Sheesh, here
}         goes.  "Dear Supplicant, Sorry to hear about..."
}
}         Wait!  That e-mail address -- I know him.  He was a total
}         dork, drank cheap beer and wore mismatched socks.
}
} Zadoc:  Well, maybe that's why he had to settle for a blind date.
}
} Lisa:   Hold on a goddamned minute, that was ME he was talking about.
}         He thinks I'm a bonehead?  Where's that zot staff?
}
} Zadoc:  Wait, Lisa, you don't know what you're doing with that!
}
} Lisa:   "Dear Supplicant.  Bonehead, eh?  ..."
}
} [Shortly afterwards, a fire breaks out in the tower.  The rest of
} the May, 1997 questions were destroyed in the blaze and were never
} answered.  Although Zadoc and Lisa were quick to pick up with the
} June, 1997 questions, an inquiry soon followed, and by 2003, the
} American public had learned of the tragic demise of the Internet
} Oracle.]


905-07    (amqCj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most expedient, please apprize me:
>
> When as deemeth thou an equitable time to dismiss the outmoded
> "And in response, thus spake the Oracle:"
> in favor of the more prevalent
> "And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Graunt mercie! Wodst disclaunderen mee, varlet? Douteles ye trow
} it noucht but yow ycomen here and schewyd me how yit sholde bee
} doon! Stap me vitals, but everich bodie be in manere of an critycke
} theese deyes!
}
} Ye han seyd merethan ynough, ywis! This I bihoten yew withouten
} faille, coxcomb - I wold be trewe oracel nicht wer I to permytte
} soch corsednesse tew pass unpunycened. Ney, thys disdeinous mortle
} shal not ysceipe beynge smytten al to gobbets!
}
}                        > > ZOTTE < <
}
} Certes, I heve been at thys geyme tew long - methynks I bee turnynge
} into David Sewylle.


905-08    (bsxud dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORRIE!  Oh how my pathological scar desires to read poems through the
>                      ruddied girth of your soul!
> ORRIE! May you always be as vivid as your hallucinations.
> ORRIE, you have broken my waters. Can I get you a new glass....
>
> Oh darn... This isn't working.
> Dearest omnipotent one, he who could debug all of microsofts work in
> the blink of an eye. As you can see, I have been experimenting with the
> Surreal Compliment Generator at
>
> http://pharmdec.wustl.edu/cgi-bin/jardin_scripts/SCG
>
> I'm sorry about the first 3 compliments, but I had to try it out...
>
> My question is however...
>
> One of the "compliments" that emerged from this web page was blasphmous
> in the extreme... It went....
>
>               "Marmots will stick to you in Delaware."
>
> How far can this w**dchuck fetish that drives some people go?
> And if I do go to delaware, will I be attacked by a pack of w**dchucks
> as predicted in that message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Delaware?"  I mutter.  And in she walks.  So that's how it works,
} thinks my muddled mind, and I try, "Dames, naked, lots of 'em." But
} nothing happens.
}
} "What can I do for you, Delaware?" I say, but without the question
} mark, just to make a point.
}
} "Hey, honey," she murmurs.  "How's kicks?"
}
} Normally I ignore this sort of thing, but she is starting to fade away
} into the colour blue.  Maybe indigo.  Damn, I think, this is the last
} thing I need; ever since the chesterfield incident, the cops have been
} watching this place.  I think quickly and say, maybe a bit too loudly,
} "Violet, I think I can help you after all.  Here hold this glass of --"
}
} Damn.  All that is left of her is an obscure buzzing noise.  "The
} sound of a bird dying?" I guess.  Incorrectly, it turns out; I lose
} 50 points.
}
} Still, this was the only client that had walked in the door all
} day, so I take her case.
}
} To the zoo then, I play a hunch.  Well, that and I don't have
} airfare to the mid-west.  I go to the bird cages.  Suddenly, I spot
} it.  The falcon.  Nope, it's real, and not at all covered with -- wait,
} a minute:  wrong case, wrong client.
}
} Maybe a quick nap.
}
} I wake up to the gnawing sounds of the marmot.  On my other leg,
} marmot mating noises.  I immediately recognize these as the sound that
} Delaware would become, if a Delaware could become -- no, that's
} still wrong.  But I am getting close.  Really close.
}
} Delaware, I think.  Marmots.
}
} At once, it comes flooding into my mind.  Of course, I realize.
} How obvious.  Unfortunately, what with all the flooding, I melt
} into the couch before I can stop the dastardly plot.
}
} The answer to your question, then:  stay the hell out of Delaware.
} And keep away from anything surreal.  No good will come of it.  As
} Milton wrote, "that which purifies us/ is trial, and trial is by what
} is contrary."
}
} You owe the Oracle the sound of one hand clapping.  And, for that
} matter, why IS a mouse when it spins?


905-09    (4duFr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Oh great Oracle, Please tell me,  Why is this day so long, and
>          yet its still morning?  I've been here for only 2 hours, yet
>          it feels like 20.  How can I make my day interesting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... it does seem as if it's been morning for a while. Let me find
} out what's going on.
}
} (picks up phone)
}
} Oracle: Darla, get me Apollo on the phone right away. Darla? Darla!
}         Wake up!
}
} Darla: >yawn< Sorry, Oracle! It seems I've been at work for ages, and
}        I'm really tired. I hope I'm not coming down with something.
}        Apollo? But, he's up in the sky right now.
}
} Oracle: Yes, but he's started carrying a cell phone. Get him on the
}         line.
}
} Darla: >yawn< (dials phone) Mister Apollo, this is Darla Michaels
}        calling on behalf of the Usenet Oracle. Mr. Oracle would like to
}        speak with you.
}
} Apollo: wha..?
}
} Oracle: Apollo, it's me. What's going on? You've been up for dozens of
}         hours and the sundials still say it's only ten o'clock!
}
} Apollo: Um, uh... don't know. My head is killing me. Oh, man...
}
} Oracle: Oh, no, you didn't go and get drunk again, did you? I told you
}         many times, if you can't get up at six every morning, we can
}         find someone else to to your job. Zeus has been asking me to
}         reduce headcount lately. You want to be replaced by a temp??
}         You know, a lot of places are going to monotheism these days,
}         and they have just one god doing your job and plenty others
}         too.
}
} Apollo: Uh, like, sorry.
}
} Oracle: You passed out up there, and now people down here have been at
}         work for twenty hours! If you're not up to the job, the least
}         you can do is call in sick-- we can get someone else up there
}         eventually, and people are a lot happier sleeping late than
}         they are going to work and having to wait twenty hours for a
}         coffee break!
}
} Apollo: So, uh, what do I do now?
}
} Oracle: You ride as fast as you can to the ground, and let people get
}         some sleep!
}
} Apollo: Um, the horses are pretty tired too. They can't go too fast.
}         Would it be OK if we just turned around and went down in the
}         east? That's faster.
}
} Oracle: Do you have any clue how confusing that would be? I think the
}         Brits would start driving on the right or something-- it would
}         be mayhem. No, you've really screwed up and I'll have to take
}         some drastic action here. (hangs up)
}
} <<<<ZOT>>>>
} (suddenly, a bolt of lightning arcs across the sky, shoving the sun
} up to noon and back to sunset within seconds. The Oracle goes to his
} word processor and begins typing:)
}
} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Due to some technical difficulties, today was accidentally lengthened.
} Although the problem has now been corrected, we are very sorry for
} any inconvenience we may have caused. We realize that you have a choice
} of many religions, and we thank you for choosing Olympism and hope you
} will continue to do so in the future.
}
} Please accept our gift of an extra Saturday, redeemable any time this
} month.
}
} Sincerely,
} T. U. Oracle
} Director of Public Relations
} Delphi Branch, Olympus Inc.


905-10    (fIsj9 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities
> and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become
> a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide
> respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are
> renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists,
> and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees
> and are far superior to the competition's...
>
> Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Motivation is fine but competition is for the birds.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Monopoly Board equipped with weighted dice.


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