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Internet Oracularities #906

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906, 906-01, 906-02, 906-03, 906-04, 906-05, 906-06, 906-07, 906-08, 906-09, 906-10


Internet Oracularities #906    (106 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 14 May 1997 22:44:11 -0500 (EST)

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   906
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

906  106 votes 9jwzb 4eADd 5lAue axsob LBf70 2jnBp 4xDka azCh6 ckysc 4ovkr
906   3.0 mean  3.2   3.4   3.3   2.9   1.8   3.6   3.0   2.8   3.1   3.4


906-01    (9jwzb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle,
> Not so rhetorical,
> How'd this pick axe
> Appear in my clavicle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A person you know
} to be really quite mental
} did it on purpose
} t'was not axidental


906-02    (4eADd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, ye who dwell amongst the electrons I come seeking
> knowledge.
>
> I'm afraid that I have fallen in love and stolen a good friend's
> girlfriend away from him.
> What am I to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} Important steps to take:
}
} 1)    Has he noticed yet? If not, he may well be a systems analyst, an
} auditor or a trekkie, and after about five months will yawn, scratch
} himself then exclaim "funny - I thought there was someone here... oh
} well". In which case you are in the clear.
}
} 2)    Has she noticed yet? It may have escaped your intellectual fields
} that asking the lady if she will share her packet of jellybeans with
} you does not constitute stealing her away from him, even if she did say
} yes.
}
} 3)    Had he been trying to get rid of her for the last few months
} anyway? Obvious signs will be comments from him like "No, go off and
} have a wonderful time", "Honest, I'm happy for you" and "Whatever you
} do, don't give her my new phone number"
}
} 4)    Had she been trying to escape him for the last little while? In
} which case, Zadoc, you may have bitten off more than you can chew. Lisa
} is more than a handful for me, let alone a mere Priest as yourself.
}
} 5)    Did he have a few to spare in any case? Then don't worry - he
} probably needed the break.
}
} You owe the Oracle a genuine apology, two tickets to "Othello" and your
} sister's phone number. I have it anyway, but I need to test your true
} level of remorse.


906-03    (5lAue dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, who seems to be able to go forever --
>
> Where will it all end ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the King James Version:
}
}     [Rev 21:22]
}     And I saw one evaluate to zero, and the LORD's loop condition was
}     satisfied, and the termination code was processed.
}     [23] And I was returned to the prompt.
}
} There's been a lot of fuss about the Revised Standard Edition, which
} translates it as:
}
}     [Rev 21:22]
}     And the LORD did click on the seal marked Start, and he did
}     select Shut Down and click Yes. And the gates of heaven did
}     duly respond that the system was shutting down, and told the
}     LORD to please wait.
}     [23] And on the screen in orange on black was written "You
}     may safely turn your computer off."
}
} You owe the Oracle a badly #define'd TRUE macro and a revised
} standard hammerdrill.


906-04    (axsob dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is grass green?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because of all the money you throw on it to keep it that way.
}
} You owe the oracle a lifetime supply of Miracle Grow plus an annual
} aeration.


906-05    (LBf70 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I improve my basketball skills?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not exactly sure... I used to think the answer was "Marry
} yourself," but that didn't seem to work.


906-06    (2jnBp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who probably always makes His decisions about
> relationships based purely on logic and rationality, I fell in love
> with a beautiful, charming, and intelligent woman who dumped me to go
> back to an alcoholic looney who she had originally dumped because his
> drinking was making her life miserable.  How could she do such a thing,
> and what can *I* do about it, aside from waiting until his liver gives
> out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, how could she do such a thing?  Simply put, it's part of the
} secret world of women.  They live in world that's similar to but not
} quite identical to yours.  The differences are very small, but they're
} noticeable if you pay attention (or, for that matter, if you're an
} all-powerful omniscient being).  For example, sounds in their world are
} of a slightly different tone.  Colours are a shade off-shade.  You may
} notice that when you're talking to a woman, she will sometimes, for no
} apparent reason, be looking a little bit to the left or right of you:
} that's because they inhabit this other universe that's overlaid -- but
} imperfectly overlaid -- on your own.  (Woman will observe that men
} occasionally glance a foot or so below eye-level while in conversation;
} this is an altogether different phenomenon.)
}
} Unfortunately for you, in this not quite parallel universe,
} conventional logic does not apply.  For a woman, it makes perfect sense
} to dump a nice guy for an alcoholic ex-flame.  Oh, sometimes she'll
} play along and admit that it may be poor judgement, but then she'll
} claim that she can't help herself.  Or, maybe, she'll be the one who
} changes him.  Or even -- who knows? -- it's possible that he'll quit
} drinking, find a cure for cancer, feed the Third World and become the
} perfect boyfriend.  Who are you to judge, buddy?  Why I bet you never
} cared for her anyway.  If you did, you would be more worried about her
} happiness than about criticizing a nice guy who's got enough problems
} of his own to deal with thank you very much.
}
} Sorry, I got carried away.  It's a seductive little universe, theirs.
}
} So, what can you do?  For a start, develop your own personal and
} inter-personal problems.  Not necessarily alcoholism; there are a lot
} of options out there: start knocking over convenience stores, maybe try
} heroin (hell, you might like it), or whatever.  Be creative.  Will you
} win her back?  No.  But you might get some other guy's beautiful,
} charming and intelligent woman.
}
} Since we're on the topic, you might as well know that there are other
} over-laid universes as well, although the others are increasingly
} further removed from your own.  Perhaps the most obvious one is the
} world of cats. Yet another one is -- well, I don't want to scare you.
} Let's just say it's a universe where Windows 95 is the most amazing
} piece of -- no, really, I guess you've had a bad enough day as it is.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dozen long-stemmed roses.  'Cuz hey, you've
} already lost your chick, but I really need those roses for
} you-know-who.  And toss in some chocolates.  No, they're for me.


906-07    (4xDka dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've got a bunch of different pieces of software, and I need to put
> them all together somehow.  What sort of glue should I use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **********************
} *     WELCOME TO     *
} * OMNIPOTENT ORRIE'S *
} * REALM OF ADHESIVE! *
} **********************
}
} Serving your adhesive needs since the Dawn of Man and even earlier.
}
} [A man in khaki slacks and a black golf tee walks up with a name-tag
} that says "Hi! I'm ZADOC"]
}
} Hello there! Feel free to browse our fine selection of sticky and
} non-sticky adhesive products. What's that, you say? Trying to fuse
} software applications together? No problem! Come check out Aisle 7...Ah
} here we are...
}
} Elmer's: Good for consumption when nourishment is not readily available
} and makes neat little balls when you rub it between your hands.
}
} Mucilage: An unknown substance believed to be the secretions from a
} Mephistophelian Devil Bunny (cute, but deadly). Can hold even ex-lovers
} together.
}
} Rubber Cement: This would work great for attaching those program
} manuals together so tightly that when you open the package the pages
} rip right across the words showing the pathname of the temporary
} directory (which gets erased by the program every 2 minutes).
}
} Masking Tape: Usually this is used for simple papering and craft
} projects, but a fact some people don't know is that you can feed it to
} foreign terrorists, tell them it's McDonalds, and they wont know the
} difference!
}
} Duck Tape: Ah yes, our most popular, widely-used item in stock.
} Attaches everything to everything, and rather well. However, I think
} you're going to need something more specialized...
}
} Crazy Glue: For those who want lasting adhesion, this does the trick.
} However, removal of the connected objects usually leaves lasting injury
} and lots of hurt feelings.
}
} Epoxy: As Elwood Blues would say, "Strong stuff..." Necessary only for
} boats, gas pedals, and small woodland creatures.
}
} String: Very versatile, yet not too binding. Tie it around fingers and
} it will attach to your brain cells, around rocks to make them come
} back....but way too weak for your software problem.
}
} Loving Words: I don't recommend this type of adhesive...it usually
} tends to let go easily, causing severe damage to what it was holding
} together...tho while it is working it works remarkably well.
}
} MS-Adhesive: I think this is just what you need. Some big, faceless
} company makes it (along with salsa and oven mitts), but there is
} nothing like it (well, there used to, but they were bought out by said
} faceless company and streamlined).
}
} A remarkable polymer, it binds to the software and changes its atomic
} structure so that no part is compatible with any other software except
} the other programs included in the binding. Perfect way to sell
} packages and punish those who try to get them separately.
}
} Unfortunately we are in a lawsuit with the company because of some
} apparent "bad advertising", but tell you what...you can have this trial
} tube on me. Don't tell anyone.
}
} * Thank you for shopping at Omnipotent Orrie's! -STICK- around again! *
} -----------------
}
} You owe the Oracle some solvent and plenty of bandages.


906-08    (azCh6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose self-help workshop is attended by celebrities
> and politicians, whose 12 step program has helped Madonna become
> a nurturer, whose book "It Takes a Newsgroup" has restored worldwide
> respect upon the value of Usenet, whose educational videos are
> renowned by both evolution theorists and christian scientists,
> and whose line of sneakers are produced by well-paid employees
> and are far superior to the competition's...
>
> Would you share your motivational techniques with me, please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, just send me $49.95, and I'll tell you how you can get motivated,
} and rich, just like me.


906-09    (ckysc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am trying to find a sacrifice worthy of your acceptence. SO,
>       WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All the handguns in the US melted down to make a protective sarcophogus
} for NRA headquarters.  Terawatt space-lasers for The World Court,
} enforcement division. A breeding pair of dodo birds. A "you want fries
} with that" job for Alan Greenspan.  A bunch of them little turtles,
} without the salmonella.  A ban on all efforts to encourage those who
} are disinclined to vote to do so.  A twelve lane skee-ball court in my
} basement. A basement. A wall around Texas.  Mail software with a spell
} checker.  Severe legal penalties for using canned mushrooms on pizza.
} That stegosaurus fossil my sister's boyfriend gave me when I was four.
}
} You owe the Oracle another #$%&ing pair of Isotoner gloves.


906-10    (4ovkr dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the star of the epoch, the hardest working entity in
> supreme-bizness, the guy who needs no introduction (so tough I'll give
> one to you anyway), someone whom without we wouldnt have chucked wood
> and woodchuck flesh to feast upon, let's give it up and a big round of
> applause to the Oracle, who can give me advice to this quirky,
> slaphappy problem in my life:
>
> Why is it that when asked to verify how much soda is in a 20 oz. bottle
> of Surge:
>
> The mathematician will place a section of the bottle on an axis,
> rotate the section of the bottle around the axis and integrate the
> volume of the Surge,
>
> The Chemistry major will take the empirical formula for a mole of
> Surge, divide it into the mass of the Surge (which is the mass of the
> full bottle minus the mass of an empty bottle) and then multiply by the
> molar density to get the volume of the Surge,
>
> A CmpE major will simply grok the Surge and claim, "Surge
> only exists in two states, Surge and absence of Surge, therefore volume
> is irrelevant(out of the scope of the circuit)",
>
> A CS Major would look up from his Sparc terminal in The Pit of Despair
> (pop. 37,235,436) and exclaim, "A product from the land where light
> exists! It is good." and accidentally spill it onto his keyboard
>
> A Management Major would create a department consisting of teams of all
> the above majors then have them file reports which consequently get
> lost in the Red [Tape] Sea?
>
> There's a question in there somewhere, and I defy you to find it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem with you, son, aside from the sheer stupidity of using the
} word "defy" in a message to the Oracle, is that all of your examples
} are from the academic world. You need to consider some real-world
} possibilities:
}
} A bureaucrat in the Food and Drug Administration would draft a
} regulation requiring all 20-ounce bottles of Surge to be opened and the
} contents measured before they could be sold.
}
} A Democratic Senator from California would make it a felony to posess
} any bottle of Surge that could hold more than 10 ounces.
}
} An Australian media mogul would simply buy up all the bottles of Surge.
}
} A Citizen of the Republic of Texas would be convinced that it was a
} conspiracy hatched by the Defacto U.S. Government.
}
} The wife of a casino owner in New Jersey wouldn't get within 100 yards
} of a bottle of Surge -- or anyone who actually drinks the stuff.
}
} The Chinese Government would try to steal the bottle and then donate it
} to the White House.
}
} An agent of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms would shoot the
} bottle and ask questions later.
}
} A mutual fund manager would simply call up the production department at
} the Surge plant and ask them how they maintain quality control.
}
} Got it?
}
} Good. Now you owe the Oracle a 500ml bottle of Wild Turkey.


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