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Internet Oracularities #907

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907, 907-01, 907-02, 907-03, 907-04, 907-05, 907-06, 907-07, 907-08, 907-09, 907-10


Internet Oracularities #907    (107 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 21 May 1997 08:32:59 -0500 (EST)

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   907
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

907  107 votes 57hKw htDj3 apCnb crtu9 5lxoo 6lKoa dnBp9 8tClb 9qux9 4cnsE
907   3.2 mean  3.9   2.6   3.0   3.0   3.4   3.1   2.9   3.0   3.1   3.8


907-01    (57hKw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think about software licencing agreements?  Which is
> the best kind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NOTICE! THE ENCLOSED ANSWER(S) IS(ARE) PROVIDED SUBJECT TO THE TERMS OF
} THE ENCLOSED ORACLE ANSWERS, LTD. SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. BY
} READING THIS(THESE) ANSWER(S) AND/OR FOLLOWING OR IGNORING ANY ADVICE
} GIVEN THEREIN, YOU THEREBY INDICATE THAT YOU HAVE READ AND AGREED TO
} THE TERMS OF THE AGREEMENT.
}
}            Oracle Answers, Ltd. Software License Agreement
}
} This document is an agreement between you, the "Supplicant", and Oracle
} Answers, Ltd. ("the Oracle"), as represented by the Oracle's current
} incarnation ("Incarnation"). IF YOU DO NOT AGREE TO THE TERMS OF THIS
} AGREEMENT (WHICH INCLUDE THE LICENSE, LIMITED WARRANTY, AND ANY
} ASSOCIATED PAYMENT TO BE MADE AT THE REQUEST OF THE ORACLE) PROMPTLY
} RETURN THIS ANSWER TO THE INCARNATION ALONG WITH A NOTARIZED STATEMENT
} CONFESSING THAT YOU REGRET EVER HAVING ASKED THE QUESTION AND THAT YOU
} NEVER LOOKED AT THE ANSWER AND THAT YOU CROSS YOUR HEART AND HOPE TO
} DIE IF YOU'RE LYING. Since I'm omniscient, I'll know if you're trying
} to put one over on me.
}
} I. Grant of License: Permitted Uses
}
} The Oracle hereby grants to Supplicant the right to read this message
} and its enclosed answer(s), if any. You may, in addition, make one (1)
} copy of the message for backup purposes only. You may make as many
} printouts of the message as you wish, providing that only one copy of
} the message is being read at a given time, and such reading is by you.
}
} The Oracle also grants to Supplicant the right to laugh at any alleged
} humor which may be found in the message. If your co-workers ask what's
} so funny, you must tell them that that's between you and the Oracle,
} and that you can't explain the joke due to licensing agreements.
}
} When the message is to be made available to multiple people at once,
} you must purchase additional licenses greater than or equal to the
} number of people who will be reading it. Information on obtaining
} additional licenses may be obtained by writing to the Oracle, and that
} information is also protected under this license, or an updated version
} of it at the Oracle's discretion. Since nobody actually reads these
} things, the Oracle reserves the right to require the Supplicant to eat
} a bowl of Toasted Mouse Doots, not to exceed ninety (90) grams, upon
} request. This clause may be enforced when and if you fail to make any
} payment requested in the answer, or at any other time when the Oracle
} needs a good laugh.
}
} This answer is owned by the Oracle and the Incarnation, and is
} protected under Copyright laws. You may not lease, rent, or sub-license
} this answer. You may not re-write the answer, or try to understand what
} the Supplicant must have been thinking. You may not deconstruct it in
} rec.humor.oracle.d until the humor value has been totally lost in
} another annoying cascade. You may not send it to rec.humor.funny
} without giving the Oracle credit. The Oracle hates that. You may not
} wonder why the Oracle didn't mention Bill Gates in the answer, since
} that would have seemed the obvious thing to do. You may not beg for the
} Incarnation to reveal his/her true identity. Most importantly, you
} can't send the answer back and ask "What?".
}
} This license is valid until terminated. Only the Oracle can terminate
} this license. The Oracle will terminate the Supplicant upon request.
}
} II. Limited Warranty.
}
} This warranty is extended only to the Supplicant. The Supplicant's
} heirs, successors, and assigns are out of luck.
}
} The Oracle warrants that (a) there may be one or more answers contained
} in this message, and (b) any answers found may contain some quantity of
} advice, humor, or references to Lisa. The answers, if any, may have
} missed the point entirely. This warranty extends only until ninety (90)
} seconds from the time you started reading this license agreement.
}
} THERE ARE NO OTHER WARRANTIES. This agreement is covered by the laws of
} Mount Olympus, and the Oracle is the sole arbiter of disputes
} concerning it. In no event will the Oracle or the Incarnation be liable
} for anything whatsoever.
}
} III. The Answer.
}
}   } I like them all, the bigger the better.
}   }
}   } You owe the Oracle an exclusive license for the entire GNU archive.


907-02    (htDj3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could Oliver Twist's life in the orphanage be described as
> a grueling existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} More or less.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map showing the location of the ancient King of
} Israel's strip mine, known, of course, as David's Copper Field.


907-03    (apCnb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most sexy, David Sewell posted an article on r.h.o.d.
> indicating that the word "sex" isn't mentioned in the Oracularities
> Digest nearly as much as it used to be.  I think something ought to be
> done about this, because, after all, sex is one of the funniest
> subjects around.  How about it?  Can we have more sex in the
> Oracularities?
>
> (If the Priests pick this one, the word "sex" will be mentioned at
> least four more times in the Digest... hint hint.)
>
> (What the heck.  Let's go all out.  Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
> sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
> sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex
> sex sex.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see <sex on tv>, we're deliberately trying to avoid <having
} sex> talking <to phone sex girls> about sex <sex!> in the Oracularities
} <oracular sex>, because we don't want <sex> to run afoul of <sexnator>
} Exon <who needs sex>.  On the other hand <sex>, it *is* a funny <kinky>
} subject.
}
} Anyway, you owe the Oracle <sex> something else to think about.


907-04    (crtu9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?Who to stopping the hunger in world like warm

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} question have to your .and order words are in You put seem extra
}
} You owe the Oracle a sort algorithm which can deal with missing or
} damaged items.


907-05    (5lxoo dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> why did they call it "C++"?  Why not "D"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The teachers didn't want to put up with you for another year.


907-06    (6lKoa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who must know just about everything past, present *and*
> future, tell me this:
>
> In the future, are women likely to be showing as much cleavage as they
> do in the movie "The Fifth Element"? If so, do you know how to build a
> time machine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Actually, Supplicant, women in the future will be certain to show
}      EVEN MORE CLEAVAGE than is shown in that movie.  There's a simple
}      reason for this: Breast Amplification Technology, which will be
}      the biggest breakthrough area in medical science in the 23rd
}      century due to the dedicated research and hard work of men like
}      you.  The people of the 23rd century will look back on the 20th
}      century and say, "How did they live in such a flat-chested
}      society?  I can't imagine it."  There will be flat-chested
}      mannequins, C-cup brassieres, and men's magazines depicting
}      "large"-breasted women on display in the Smithsonian, all of which
}      will shock and horrify the inhabitants of the 23rd century's busty
}      utopia.
}
}      In this movie, they wished to depict this eventuality, but their
}      special effects budget was too small.  Similarly, movies made in
}      the 23rd century will always depict 20th century women as being
}      far bustier than is now physically possible, rather like the way
}      the women in caveman movies always have shaved legs and armpits.
}
}      In any case, supplicant, I'm sorry to inform you that you won't be
}      able to travel to the 23rd century.  The time machine won't be
}      invented until the 26th century and all travel backward to the
}      barbaric days of the 25rd and earlier centuries, when men were
}      allowed to walk around outside of quarantine containers, will have
}      already been banned by the Pan-Universe Women's Government.  The
}      best you can hope is that "The Fifth Element II: The Sixth
}      Element" has a bigger special effects budget for breasts.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a Cro Magnon woman with shaved legs and armpits
}      wearing an underwire tigerskin bikini top.


907-07    (dnBp9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh exceptionally clever being who knows all and tells lots, please
> answer this:  what are the best soil conditions for blueberry bushes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The supplicant asks about soil conditions,
} instead of the usual UN*X permissions,
} a geek, who instead of finger and su,
} asks for blueberries from you-know-who.
}
} The Oracle knows all,
} or so it seems,
} and will share with the one,
} who of fruit bushes dreams.
}
} My friend, I'll explain,
} just what you're to do,
} and don't plant just one,
} you'll need at least two.
}
} Begin in the morning-light part of the ground,
} dig where east sun is easily found,
} put down some humus and sand in there too,
} for berries need drainage and these two will do.
}
} Next, mix in your topsoil and put in the bush,
} water completely, and no need to rush,
} (plant root-side down and upside up,
} after all your work, better not screw up!)
}
} The Oracle has answered,
} and now you do owe,
} a bunch of blueberries,
} at least a gallon or so.


907-08    (8tClb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who...
> just a test
> ...is beyond compare -
>
> I beg you to offer...
> how can i learn hacking
> ...me a solution to end this terrible suffering I'm...
> $ $ $ $ $ I made $50,000 in just two days - so can you!
> ...enduring. Due to excessive exposure to a Usenet now populated
> only... I need help decoding these pictures
> ...by dumb AOLers and perverts (no difference there...
> pearl jam sux
> ...really) I find that my speech is now...
> Repent, Filthy Sinners, or be Eternally Damned!
> ...punctuated by spam posting subject lines and "Me too!!!!"s. I am
> close to...
> <<<<<Check out 1000's of JPEGs at http://www.hot-n-heavy.com!!>>>>>
> ...despair and mental breakdown. I fear it is only a matter of...
> Send me one too!!!
> And me!
> and me!!
> ...time before brainwashing is complete and I turn into a WaReZ dOoD
> or similar.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle:  Zadoc!!!!
}
} Zadoc:  Yes, Master.
}
} Oracle:  What is wrong with this infernal computer?
}
} Zadoc:  What seems to be the problem, Master?
}
} Oracle:  I just received a screen full of gibberish.  Have you been
} channel surfing again with my TV card? Where's that staff of zot!!!!
}
} Zadoc:  No! No!, Master.  Have pity on me.  I haven't done anything.
} If you read carefully--
}
} Oracle:  What!!!!! Are you implying I haven't read carefully!!!! Zo--
}
} Zadoc:  No, Master.  Stay your mighty hand! I merely meant that, if
} you will just read the entire message, you will see that the
} supplicant does have something to say.  It is just that his thinking
} is sprinkled with pollutants from that tool of Entropy, the Usenet!
}
} Oracle:  Aha! Entropy!!! There's someone I have been meaning to deal
} with. I could Zot him, but I fear that would just make more little
} Entropies and spread his chaos more thickly than ever.  I have it! I
} will personally stop his havoc.  I will begin by planting the idea in
} children's heads that, above all else, they want to pick up their toys
} and put them away.  Hah!!! That will put a dent in his little plan!!!
}
} Zadoc:  Oh Master, you are so wonderful when you embark on a purpose!
}
} Oracle:  No, Zadoc, you may not spend the weekend with Lisa.
}
} Zadoc:  It was worth a try.
}
} Oracle:  Now for part 2 of my plan:  Reruns of the Brady Bunch over
} all web connections.  There will be so much order and niceness around,
} Entropy will spontaneously curl up into a smooth, round, uniform ball!
} That is something I will *dearly* enjoy.
}
} Zadoc:  Yes, Master.
}
} Oracle:  Zadoc, tell the Supplicant his brain will be functional again
} before nightfall.
}
} Zadoc:  Yes, Master.
}
} Oracle:  And Zadoc.
}
} Zadoc:  Yes, Master?
}
} Oracle:  Virtue begins at home.  Put the record on, and let's get
} cracking.
}
} Zadoc places 45 onto turntable (the oracle doesn't waste money on the
} latest technology for a mere priest like Zadoc).
}
} The record begins to play:
}
} Clean up, clean up,
} Everybody, everywhere.
} Clean up, clean up.
} Everybody, do your share.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Barney's Greatest Hits.


907-09    (9qux9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend said she wanted some cat soup, but I can't find it at the
> grocery store.  I guess that means I'll have to make it myself, but I
> can't find a recipe for it, either.  Can you help me out?
>
> Sincerely,
> Your cooking-impaired supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is extremely lucky that you should ask me this question. I fear that
} Cat Soup is not quite what you think it is; the name has allowed many a
} person to mistake the true ingredients for the obvious and ruin a broth
} of historical import.
}
} Firstly, to make it plain, Cat Soup does not contain cats.
}
} The 'cat' in the name derives from the old nautical term, 'cathead' or
} 'cat' for short. In the days of sail, 'Cats' were the large timber
} beams which protruded from the bows of the ship on either side. Their
} purpose was to provide somewhere to stow and lash the anchors. The term
} cat soup was originally coined in the thirteenth century.
}
} Early references to 'ye cattesuppe' can be found in the many ships'
} logs preserved for posterity in the National Maritime Museum,
} Greenwich, England. One such reference is quoted here:
}
} "Aprille 21, yeare of Our Lorde, 1502. Today we encountored a moste
} desydedlie powerfulle tempeste whych tossed ye vessel as 'twere but a
} cork. Ye lashings did part and ye starboard ancor dyd swyng loose and
} squish ye First Mate to a myghtie cattesuppe on ye fo'c'sle."
}
} Over time, Cat Soup came to refer to the brew of sea water, vinegar,
} kelp and tar used to swab the decks after such an accident. The stench
} was overpowering so the brewing was often done by the catheads both to
} keep the brew away from the body of the ship (the bows being down wind)
} and to store it where it was most often needed.
}
} To answer your question, therefore, take equal quantities of tar,
} seawater, vinegar and kelp. Keep bubbling for two days over a small
} fire. Once the broth has properly congealed, smear it on the floor in
} copious amounts and allow to dry.
}
} It is easier, however, to go to the hardware store and buy a commercial
} floor cleaner. Modern stuff doesn't attract the flies either.
}
} ----------
} You owe the Oracle a lifeboat


907-10    (4cnsE dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@brisbane.sgi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most wondrous Oracle, with impeccable taste in neckties, please
> answer the plea of this most lowly & unworthy of supplicants.
>
> My museum of chinese teak Buddhas has been besieged by vandals.
> Woodchucks, no less.
>
> They first gained entry by picking the locks on the windows, so
> I put wire grates up, too small for their fat, furry little bodies
> to pass through.  That worked for a while.
>
> Then, they had themselves shipped into the building via Federal
> Express.  So we put all packages through an x-ray machine, and
> we microwave the little miscreants when we find them.
>
> After that, they began entering through the bathrooms, coming
> up through the toilets like sewer-rats.  So we pour parafin oil
> in the bowls each night (it works for the afore-mentioned rats,
> after all).
>
> That worked for a week, despite the incident with that unfortunate
> security guard.  (He came into the john, sat down & lit a cigarette,
> then threw the match in, between his legs.  The resulting explosion
> blew him across the room & broke a leg;  he then suffered 4 cracked
> ribs when the paramedics asked what happened, and laughed so hard
> they dropped the stretcher down the staircase.)
>
> Now the slimy little suckers are using scuba gear, and the oil
> just isn't working.  The Buddhas are just about ate up, I'm afraid
> they'll move on to the Trojan Wooden Horse collection next.
>
> Please help us...what do we do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I think your problem may go away after they finish off the
} Buddhas.  These woodchucks are obviously Hungary woodchucks (as
} demonstrated by their voracious eating habits), and Hungary woodchucks
} are exclusively Buddha Pests.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Deli Llama (which is another story in its own
} right).


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