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Internet Oracularities #909

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Internet Oracularities #909    (97 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 8 Jun 1997 09:21:25 -0500 (EST)

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909   97 votes 7vxo2 4aoqx btAh4 5izng 3nAs7 57Gpi 7DAc3 eumq5 3mux9 hvtj1
909   3.0 mean  2.8   3.8   2.7   3.3   3.1   3.5   2.6   2.8   3.2   2.5


909-01    (7vxo2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, whose inane ramblings on a morning after are more
> lucid than the writings of the finest philosopher known to man, please
> help this humble supplicant:
>
> When I put a CD into my CD player, I can hear a symphony, Bruce
> Springstien or a myriad of other stuff.  How do they clone all these
> people and fit them on these tiny discs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's funny you should mention that philosopher.  Most philosophers
} spent their time wondering if they can get the last article they need
} for tenure out of such questions as "How can an omnipotent God be
} reconciled with the existance of Evil?" or "How many angels can dance
} on the head of a pin?" or "Why was Socrates such an annoying old
} bugger?"  The reason they're struggling so hard is that they're asking
} the wrong questions.  For example, how many angels can dance on the
} head of a pin is a meaningless question, because angels don't dance on
} pins -- they dance on CDs, and what your CD player does is amplify the
} music they make so that you can hear it.
}
} Thus, the answer to the philosophers' question is "About 72 mintues
} worth."  The answer to your question is "They don't."
}
} You owe the Oracle a comprehensible translation of Derrida.


909-02    (4aoqx dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O well balanced Oracle, in touch with your inner feelings,
>
> How can I please my inner child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Eat your toys.


909-03    (btAh4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle
> Thank you for having offered me top 10 newsgroup address,
> I am a novice, would you please tell me more about how to subscribe and
> unsubscribe these newsgroup via E-mail? I 'd like to know what should I
> write in address , Subject, and text region.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Write anything you want in those sections, but be sure to use a black
} magic marker with permanent ink (preferably a "Sharpie").
}
} You owe the Oracle a monitor you haven't scribbled on.


909-04    (5izng dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson_Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle, most poetic, who bestows wisdom upon the humble supplicant,
> but who will roast eternally those who dare the forbidden question
> [over flames fed with wood chucked in by the monaxi of perdition] tell
> me:
>
> I saw this poem, is it worthy? or but a zot upon the infrequently
> washed face of the earth?
>
> Woodchuck, woodchuck burning bright
> 'Neath the zottage of the night
> what infernal hand or eye
> formed thy strange assymetri?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        In what distant deeps or skies
}        Burnt the zot in thine eyes?
}        On what wings dare you aspire?
}        What question, dare seize the fire?
}
}        And what grovel, & what art,
}        Could twist the sinews of my heart?
}        And when my heart began to beat,
}        What dread hand? & what dread feet?
}
}        What the supplicant? what the priest?
}        In what furnace was the beast?
}        What the zot? what dread gasp
}        Dare its deadly terrors rasp?
}
}        When the oracle was young in years,
}        And water'd heaven with his tears,
}        Did he smile at them to see?
}        He who made woodchuck make thee.
}
}        Supplicant Supplicant! burning bright
}        In the zottage of my might,
}        My immortal hand and eye
}        Dare zot thy fearful symmetry?
}
} You owe William Blake a sincere apology.


909-05    (3nAs7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>        Wonderous all-knowing all-seeing all-wise Oracle
>
>        To whom the number of stars in the sky is just another
>        statistic,
>
>        He's single.
>
>        He and I were sharing the office. I took a phone call.
>
>        The line I used after I hung up was "Bummer - tonight's date has
>        cancelled, and I've already made sure I had nothing else on. Now
>        what am I going to do on this cold and wet Saturday night."
>
>        He said nothing.
>
>        Is he really that thick, or is he just not interested?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He's just another statistic.  He may be single, but he's a cold
} fish.  When you took that phone call, he was perched on the edge
} of his seat because he'd been NAILED THERE.
}
} He's been dead for two weeks.  Really, you gotta work on this
} attraction you have to unavailable men.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stiff drink.  Make it a zombie.


909-06    (57Gpi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dreyaldumar <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: zadoc@cs.indiana.edu
> From: billg@microsoft.com
> Subject: Work commensurate to your ability!
>
> Zadoc:
>
>   As you may be aware, MicroSoft is planning to expand into the
> oracular business, by moving staff from our customer support lines to
> provide Answers from our valued customers.
>
>   In the fine tradition of MicroSoft, I am proud to offer you this
> chance to become the MS-Oracle.  Your duties will include:
>
>  o Answering of MS-Questions;
>  o Managing a large number of MS-Priests, whose task will be to feed
>    your brilliance, and improve our service;
>  o Weilding the Staff of ZOT^H^H^HZappity-Zap.
>
>   Of course, our renumeration package is second to none, and there is
> significant opportunity for career advancement within the new
> MS-Oracle.  (Though I can't think where to---after all, you would be
> _the MS-Oracle_.)
>
>   Yours,
>
>   Bill Gates.
>   ``Linux was invented by foreign terrorists to take money away from
>     good American companies like MicroSoft.''

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mr. Gates:
}
} While I am greatly impressed by your offer, after weighing the pros and
} cons of it, I find that I must respectfully decline.  So that you may
} understand my position, I've provided this list of comparison points:
}
} THE USENET ORACLE                    MICROSOFT
} -----------------                    ---------
} * Omnipotent, bad-tempered           * Extremely wealthy, bad-tempered
}   immortal being is head               mortal being is head honcho
}   honcho
}
} * Located on campus of Indiana U     * Located on Microsoft campus
}
} * Receive scorn of millions for      * Receive scorn of millions for
}   lame one-line answers                browser security holes
}
} * Receive praise of millions for     * Receive praise for Windows NT
}   clever answers like #638-08          after spending millions to bribe
}                                        journalists
}
} * IDIOTS WHO SEND QUESTIONS IN       * MSN
}   ALL CAPS
}
} * Woodchucks                         * Windows 95
}
} So, as you can see, although the potential benefits are tempting, I
} find that the actual work involved would be a good deal more stressful.
}  In the hopes that you can find a more suitable candidate, I remain,
}
} Zadoc,
} Oracular Assistant,
} Indiana University.
}
}   "Microsoft was invented by domestic terrorists.  Remember, it's
}    no longer an import industry."


909-07    (7DAc3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and all seeing oracle................... why didn't Dorothy
> take the socks along with the shoes from the wicked witch in the W of
> O?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} you obviously don't know how she came by the name "wicked"
}
} the name came from her wicked smelling feet - which is why she was
} wearing socks and slippers together (not a fetching look).
}
} if you had been within a couple of metres of the witch's feet, you
} would understand wholly why the socks were left exactly where they were
}
} you owe the oracle some noseplugs and a copy of W of O in smellovision


909-08    (eumq5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shoot me now!  Shoot me now!
>
> I demand that you shoot me now!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, Daffy, it's rabbit season.
}
} You owe the Oracle a basketball with a "Wizard" feature


909-09    (3mux9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dreyaldumar <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and omniscient Oracle, who really does know how many licks it
> takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop-
>
> How well equipped are you for the new millenium? I've been reading
> countless horror stories predicting that world finance, communications,
> and transportation will be brought to its knees on New Year's Day 2000
> because some morons 30 years ago couldn't foresee the need to express
> years in four digits instead of two.
>
> Are your operations prepared for the year 2000? If not, what do you
> suppose would happen if you don't upgrade, and let the Millenium Bug
> run its course?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, there is a much more urgent problem.
}
} When Oracularities Digest #1000 comes out in June 1998, the
} repercussions will be felt worldwide.  At that moment, the Internet
} Oracle will cease to exist as you currently know him.  In his place,
} the AntiOracle will appear, ready to torment Supplicants for a thousand
} thousands of years with such witty retorts as "U 5UCK, U L0053R!!!1!!".
}  Incarnations will be similarly stricken; the Chinese water torture is
} nothing in comparison to a woodchuck question each and every minute of
} the day.  The Computer Science department at Indiana University
} will be consumed in a gigantic fireball, as the Oracle's server
} attempts to fit the Oracle's entire wisdom into the void created by
} Digest 000.  The web pages at pcnet will explode in a more cybernetic
} fashion, causing packets to be sent in a worldwide shock wave,
} overpowering the backbone and bringing the entire Internet to its
} knees.
}
} I could go on, but there's no time to lose.  You owe the Oracle a nice
} coffin.  I want it made of hand-carved rosewood, with a royal blue
} velvet interior, and decorated with rhinestones.  You'd better get
} started building it now.


909-10    (hvtj1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty sage wise Oracle,
>
> On registering for a lot of services on the Net I've tried to use
> "Ender" as my id, but in almost all cases this was already in use by
> another user.
> Why is Ender always in use as a user id when I want to use it myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Drat!  He's on to me!


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